Dane‘s Journey out of Darkness

I try gonna set my alarm clock :alarm_clock: :slightly_smiling_face:

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I got some pics from exact sunrise for you. It was surprising how quickly it became bright within a minute. 20210317_062412 20210317_062436 20210317_062444 20210317_062533

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You have great free view to the sun :sunny:
Looks nice. Can I ask where you from?

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Wednesday 17.03.2021

Day 2

Today is very emotional, sadness and depression took control over me, exact 17 days ago she blocked me on WhatsApp, yes i know why talking about this thematic again? Cuz Iam hurt :disappointed: I can’t accept how this Story goes or Ends? Who knows I don’t have any answers from her jet. And today I sended her my seconds message, to correct atleast my first one, which I wrote while being angry about the block. I really wanted to correct this what I said there because it wasn’t true it was a pure rage reaction and not what I really feel.

So I told her it wasn’t meant to be what I said right after the block and That she is important for me.

I made clear that iam interessed to work on this relationship if we get the chance to this by talking about it. I know I should wait till she maybe text me first and all that stuff but I couldn’t live with what I said to her right after Disput it wasn’t correct from my side. I had a bit time to think about it does Days and I came to the result mistakes has been made on both sides.

Me forgetting her birthday date after 4 years knowing each other. Huge minus point for me , then I overreacted because she was angry about that, which is a normal reaction tbh. And on the Top I say to her stop pissing me off with this disputes all the time.

For now I can image how she feeld on that Day. I think I gave her enough reasons to block me on that Day.

Anyways I really hope that she read my message somehow and atleast give me any information what’s going on.

I won’t pressure her or anything, it was also the last Message she will become from me to this topic because I don’t beg , for me it was very important to correct my first text! That I can live with my lost if it’s over.

Sounds stupid but now I feel better in my hearth, I won’t search any other contact to her, if she has feelings left for me she will contact me, if not I may never understand what’s so complicated to speak out - I don’t want anymore it’s over. Cuz a block via WhatsApp is no telling the other Person - it’s over.

Anyways I try preparing myself that I could lost her, and never hear smth from her again. But deep in my Soul I don’t think she is that Typ of Human. I give her Time as much as she wants from now on. I will take care of myself right now , it doesn’t work jet good but it will work with time being.

I think God gave me a sign today , a inner feeling that I will succeed even if it looks bad for now, it feeld like he told me keep going and you will earn Happyness. I Strongly believe in that it was a good feeling!

We will succeed, may takes days , months, years but we will earn true happiness because we fight together.

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Pines :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

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I have been through exactly something like this. This is a stupid question but il still gonna ask you. Do u love this woman with all your heart mate?

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I thought I told you about that earlier, but guess I forgot :sweat_smile:. I’m from India, bro.
I hope I don’t offend you bro, but I feel that you are having difficulties accepting what happened. You are feeling that its all your fault. And I must tell you, that its the most obvious way one would feel about this. I read this story somewhere, that there once lived a very hardworking man who used to love his wife a lot. One day, he found out that his wife was cheating on him, despite all the love that he showered on him. This led him into believing that there was something wrong within himself that led her to cheat on her. He began to hate his wife and more importantly, himself. They divorced, and he became an alcoholic as he was having hard time accepting things. He stayed that way for years, until one day he came across a happy man with a similar story. For years, this man was living with the mentality that it was all his fault, it was all him that separated him from the woman he loved, but that day he got to learn a very simple fact if life - “we cannot control the acts of others. The only person that we can control is ourselves. So, irrespective of how others treat you, you will always be a man in your own and accepting that will help you.” That guy got to learn that he gave his wife everything that he could to express his love for her, he did nothing wrong. The only thing was that his wife did not act like he was expecting, and that was obviously because one person cannot control the acts of other person, no matter how much they love them. If they do something that separates you from them, you’ll have to learn to accept that with the mindset that they are gone and maybe they were never meant for you.Maybe they weren’t deserving of your love.
Accepting that its not your fault is the hardest part, so try to learn that as soon as possible. Because, I honestly don’t think that she is gonna come back to you now. Its good that you have figured out your mistakes, but none of that accounted to the extent that she’d disrespect you and worse, even block you. Accept it bro. Forgive yourself and move ahead.

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Yes , I believe in Soulmates / Dualsouls and the way I meet her wasn’t a normal way you fall in love with a someone plus on that Time I wasn’t interested at all in having a Girlfriend no matter how pretty the Girl looked and so on. But then I saw her and it was totally different like all other Relationships I had before. And not to forget she was married while I meet her, that was always a nogo for me with Woman’s but we couldn’t stop. It’s a longer Story thought, but I can tell She isn’t that type of Cheating Girl we usually find. But ye it’s obvious that I need to let her go , I went tru so much Pain to be with her you know , and now that was for nothing ? Can’t believe that.

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Always be honest with me brother I need to hear it, otherwise I stuck in my own world and that may make it harder.

It’s very difficult to accept this lost, I remember conversations with her from the past disputes , she said more then once that it’s hard for her to make differences between me and her old husband because there is no time gab. And she want to make it right, jumping from old marriage into a new Relationship without dealing with the old Stuff won’t work.

That was her words and is logic to me aswell now. Sure it’s possible aswell that I was good for her to break free from the old marriage but she isn’t able to live a life with me now cuz old wounds are not healed. That was more then once thematic when we talked about it why we have so much Disput.

So ye @PrDr you right with most things you said that I need to go ahead and forgive myself, and it’s not correct how she treats me, but for me as knowing her exact backstory it’s understandable reaction from her. But what I can 100% say she isn’t that Woman who Cheats me. If it’s over from her site then to deal with old wounds first before jumping into any Relationship no matter if with me or someone else.

That’s hard to accept for me since I went to so much Pain and Time to be with her , also we desided together if we break up and wait till her old marriage stuff is fixed or we stick together while that’s on progress. As you see that was the biggest mistake we could make, it’s not working no matter how much love is in the game.

Anyways I hope I could make things a bit clearer, maybe I meet her somehow later on when everybody has build his own life , so nothing stands between, and only then it can work in my opinion, that’s what I learned from all this.

Now I take care of myself, this will be Hard for me since I learned Over the years to take care for others more then myself. But I will change with Gods help.

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Yeah bro, you really need to look after yourselves for now. Look, I don’t mean anything bad for the lady, I’m certain that she is a nice woman who was very kind and gentle to you. What I wanna tell you is to accept that sometimes, things just don’t work like how you’d want them to be. In such situations, you can only speak for your own actions and behaviour, and as tough as it sounds, the other person may not behave the way you’d expect them to be. In some instances, it gets so bad that two people part away for the rest of their lives, but you’ll have to learn and accept that its not the fault of one person. When people claim to be in love, they should be able to love the imperfections of their lovers just like their perfections.
If you really miss her so much and there’s any way that you can actually go and meet her, then do so. Face-to-face onversations always help clear up a lot of thing in such circumatances and sometimes even strengthens the relationship. If she ever really loved you, she will understand you just like you are able to understand her problems. Till then, don’t beat yourself over this.

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Gonna follow your advice brother, it is what it is for now, I sended the text I wanted to send and on 27. I send her a birthday card. And I promised to myself if after the birthday card comes zero reaction from her side, then I can fully accept that we done for. Face to face talking was always the best reaction to solve any problems iam totally by your side with that, but ye that works only if both agree.

Anyways text is out , card will go out aswell , after that I won’t do anything more, no calls, no going to her place , nothing , even if iam broke I have a soul and I don’t wanna act like a weirdo. I can fully accept the lost then, untill that I have more then enough to work on myself , getting healthy, working, put myself into the position I deserve. That’s what iam working for now! God give me strength.

And thanks very much for all the advice and general talking, it means the world for me honestly! This forum is a wonderful place full of wonderful humans I didn’t exspected that, to get this much help here on all kind of problems not just pmo.

God saves you all :heart:

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Thursday 18.03.2021

Day 3

Hello brothers today I got the information that my Sister will visit me soon, The lockdown is over so it’s possible for her to come for a weekend.
I will tell her about my situation with gf cuz I bet she is asking about her and always give greetings. Won’t be a easy thing but I don’t wanna lie to my sis. Also bought a nice birthday card today with some mindful quotes on it about luck and Happyness, the Card is my last hope and I want to send a signal with that, that iam not hateful. I wish her the best on her way to find herself.

First step to get myself together is the rehabilitation program I want to get, since I never had that before my chances are good to become it. But this may consume time - waiting list and accepting from my health care service.

I really hope this goes fast forward so I can start dealing with my Anxiety, Depression and especially Panic Attacks. This breaks me out so bad right now , any work attempt would fail, I need to therapy this with the program so I can live a normal life again.

My Mum give me also a lot strength, she listen and understand my feelings, also she is always honest and stayed with me no matter what Happens , I love her from the bottom of my heart Hope God always saves her.

I may talk about the same stuff everyday but it helps write :writing_hand: this down. On the end I feel a little bit better and try to build my character with those things I face. Guess there is nothing wrong with being a sensitive Guy, that’s me , and iam ok like I am. :v:t2:

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You are perfectly fine as you are bro. And I am really glad that you have such a loving and caring family. I hope that your sister’s visit will make things much better for you. Your mother must be a really good person that she has children like you and your sister.
All the best with your rehabilitation program bro. I’m certain that it’ll help you a lot. Have a wonderful life ahead bro.
Take care.

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Thank you brother iam glad to learn from your advices, in the first place I didn’t understand all, i was weak , I made myself weak over time, also with pmo i escaped so many emotional Moments. I understand now what’s going on, and I hope my inner pain will fade away too. I don’t wanna fall into old pattern.

Focusing on my streak again also, once I made it to 50 days and I remember that I feeld awesome with that. That’s what makes me attractive to woman, Disziplin, Selflove, Control over my life.
Not sitting at home crying about being blocked, took me time to realize that but with your help I got it the hard and honest way. Thank you brother , iam not jet in the right Position to give you advices but if you need help somehow you can always ask me I’ll be there for you aswell.

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Bro, you are a very good person. You deserve to be happy and healthy. More importantly, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect just like everyone else. You just need to focus on improving yourself bro. Once you do that, then I’m pretty sure you won’t need anything else to be happy. And of course, you’ll get the woman who will love you with all her heart and so will you.
I like talking to you bro. For some reason, I feel connected to you bro, so I always come here to check how you’re doing. I can only tell you what to do bro, but you’re the one who has to do that. So, if you get yourself out of it, treat yourself with something special. :slight_smile:
Take care of yourself bro.

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Friday 19.03.2021

Day 4

My mood was pretty good Today, Also I cut my hair and bring beard in shape, looking fresh I like it.

Was listing to some music :notes: which even put a smile on my face. My body feeld recovered from the relapse, I love when this happens, how to explain? After relapse my body feels so drained and weak, it’s very uncomfortable and breaks me out in any sort of things. I will value now my semen, I hate pmo , it’s Time to get myself back where I once was in life.

This time I don’t wanna fail on my streak , I will stop the relapse loop :repeat: I had after 10 day’s for longer time now.

Overconfidence was my downfall pretty much every time, gonna avoid that with all I have and just trying to enjoy the good mood and use that to bring me forward.

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Saturday 20.03.2021

Day 5

Thinking about my bad sleeping schedule, may need to force myself to stay awake 1 day and fall asleep in the night. In 5 days visiting my Therapist to talk about my general situation and planning with rehabilitation vacation.

Still very unproductive, playing a lot to escape reality and give myself abit fun time from all the sudden.

Iam trying to take care of myself , shower every Day, trim beard.
Just normal hygiene, also trying to avoid sugar and junk food.

Body feels more and more Good Even if my sleeping is a mess.

Also a cool thing I dont overthink anymore , stopped asking the „why“ question in my head, that feels nice :+1:t2:

Urges has been low today control was good. Now sleeping :sleeping_bed:

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Sunday 21.03.2021

Day 6

Making process, much earlier into bed as usually! I CAN do it , and will better myself step by step every Day. Talked with a Friend about the Sun system and Universe , it was very Faszination how complex the whole world is and everything around it. Damn it was really cool talking we totally lost us into that conversation, in a good way of course :nerd_face:.

It feeld good to talk about something interesting and Mindful. Trying to push myself every Day abit more, iam on a good way brothers now sleeping.

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Sunday night 21.03.2021

Day 7

Writing before Monday arrive yeah! Iam proud of myself, I stop playing and went to bed in Time awesome :clap:

Also trying to learn something new , online business. My Disziplin is on Point today, finally I get my lazy ass up!

On 1 week mark and beyond my brain :brain: try’s trick me into pmo, iam honest I had big urges today and my brain baited me with the typical shit, BUT I did nothing ! Fuck pmo it’s Fake and i will feel like shit right after it , all the benefits will be gone and depression will eat me alive! I will not fall into the confidence trap again ! I talked out loud in front of myself - you want to feel shit? Guild? Depressed? No Selflove? Then go ahead ! It worked perfect the urge vanished and I didn’t need to fight the urge cuz I don’t want to pmo! Tired of the loop :repeat: I learned from my mistakes.

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Tuesday 23.03.2021

Day 8

Today was the opposite from yesterday , I played to much and had no Disziplin to go sleep early. So iam far away from being happy about that, also my gf was on my mind what made me sad, iam still blocked btw. Guess i just escaped with gaming from that emotions, doesn’t feel good either. It’s really hard to stop looking for her I admit. Depression was much present for a moment but I also said to myself - why I give her the power to treat me like that ice cold ? Why I care when she obviously give a fuck how I feel with that stupid blocking. All those things should tell me - Man this is not what you exspect from your future wife! There is only 1 answer for this, my Selflove is literally level 0 otherwise all that crap wouldn’t happen to me.

Iam learning every day more about myself especially now when alone. It’s a nice journey to build the character I want to have. A lot to do and maybe one day I can laugh about all that and be a stronger personality!

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