I was bro for short time, but it ended again in fighting like always but this time she blocked me. For me this is a breakup , very disrespectful but it is one. Need some sleep now laters
I totally lost control over pretty much everything those days, it was clear that I will relapse soon it is just to much at once right now. Urges hit me hard, sure it’s no excuse to relapse and it won’t help in this situation but ye it is what it is now.
I don’t feel bad at all about it tbh, guess other feelings are overwhelming more at the moment.
I tried to cry today to release some inner emotions that I can deal better with it afterwards. It didn’t work , it feels like we just don’t talk , but everything else will be ok .Weird to explain.
This month her Son and she have birthday at 17.03 and 27.03 . For those who wonder , the Question about which one has on which date birthday was the reason for the dispute we got. She was angry that I Asked her about the dates and how I don’t know that after 4 Years.
I can understand that she finds that Sad, that’s what she answered. My response was - Iam sorry I have problems with remembering numbers correctly that’s why I asked again to be sure. And the last texting was sending stupid smileys , this one → instead of telling the dates. Then I said to her - finally stop fighting against me you destroy everything with that about us and it pisses me off.
After that text I was blocked. It was the first time I told her to stop bullying me everytime when she has a crap day or something. And ye her response was the blocking nothing else.
Oh man 🤦🏼 While writing I realize how annoying I must be to talk every day about this stupid topic, iam sorry about this, it’s annoying for myself already.
My biggest weakness about this is that I just don’t understand it and because of that it’s so hard to handle. I just don’t get why reacting with a blocking when I just said the fights we have piss me off stop that. One day I may understand
The last breakup was 4 weeks no talking , and I gave in on Valentine’s Day , she was clearly missing me! She even said she loves me what she does not say often and I feeled that. We even had sex on the same day. I can remember that I said to her - do you really want that right now ? This was not my plan !
Her words - but it was my plan I want it.
Anyways I think this mind games just weirding my out more and more everyday and I already sended her after the block a sms that I will not come back this time for those childish blocking crap.
Oh men this crap is eating me alife brothers sometimes I wish I could be one of those icecold persons out there who don’t give a fuck about those emotion things but iam not one of those and never will be. When time pass I see what happens pretty much in the end of this month. If nothing happens from her side to this topic anymore , like for example it’s over or let’s talk about it.
Well then I am speakless about my human feeling Knowing Skills.
Anyways it’s a new begin from today aswell on the addiction, and this has been improved a lot past years , I see myself and all brothers free aslong we Never give up and fight, we all will improve and happy in the end✌🏻
While reading your diary, I was expecting a positive turn from this. But I see something didn’t work for you even though you were in right track. I would like you to rise and grow. Many people here suggested very nicely. I love to read your diary and your story. Now time to get up and correct those mistakes.
Thank you brother for the support iam working on it even when it sounds different for the moment. All the best for you aswell and the other brothers.
Yesterday I relapsed again was to ashamed to write about it, but now iam back. Had a good conversation with a friend today about my situation with gf, he has similar experience from the past relationships and could help me out a lot with my questions. He told me that this maybe isn’t the end of the story, a blocking like this is a strong will to build distance. I asked him how he mean that? - her marriage was 15 years and she was trained to don’t show feelings. She never saw something else and lived a conservative lifestyle. She just wants space from me to get over the past first, that could be true because she said a few times that to me, that she wants to make it right this time. I made a misstake by rushing a sms right after she Blocked me, and actually I hope she does not take it serious what I wrote there. Anyways I can’t change it , I can’t change her, she wants and need to deal with her breakup from the old marriage first and then , and only then there is a chance that we can be together but if that happens stands on a different paper.
For now I see it from a other perspective and this took much weight from my Soul , I feel emotional better and starting again to work on my goals and of causes takeing nofap serious again .
With that being said , let’s go brothers time to chaise the 90 day full reboot dream ! Iam coming back
Today Iam earlyer in my bed still way to late but I fairly take it. Depression was on a low level today which gave me some strength I could breath good and did not overthinking my situation. The gears In my mind stopped for a moment so I can finally rest abit from my chaotic life. Also i took half of my meds for depression and panic attacks, I mean they help me but also knocked me out for the whole day which is not to my favor. Starting to go earlyer into bed , step by step till my schedule is normal. I need to take it slow but focused.
So overall iam Still not productive at the moment but that will come I don’t set myself under pressure anymore. I will rise again my body is also still weak from the relapse, on Day 7-8 I feel energetic and will instant start to workout again. Iam really tired of this rollercoster life i live right now, it’s search a waste. But ye we all started somewhere and somehow. Now sleep time take care brothers
Body weakness starts to vanish with more days on my streak, feeling more rested even when sleeptime is a mess right now. Not bathing my brain in unreal amount dopamine feels great.
Nothing new from gf so far , still blocked. While dinner with mum I talked about it, asked her if I should send a sms or what she thinks? Actually I don’t want to do anything about that, but I feel my somewhat rage sms right after the Disput isn’t correct. But ye how to correct this message and especially don’t Sound needy ? I don’t know
Guess I have to stop thinking about it, this misstake can’t be undone. I need and will respect that she wants distance from me.
Going to sleep early doesn’t work so far, I tried today but my friends always come online late and then I end up playing games with them so stupid long👎🏻 Disziplin and Willpower are not my friends does days.
Anyways I keep trying I will make it back to normal for sure. No Urges jet for PMO
So atleast I don’t have to deal with that right now. Made a alarm for my sleeptime now to remember shut pc down may it helps. Laters
Sleep schedule is getting slightly better , it’s still a mess but I go very day sooner to bed and get up earlyer iam happy with that so far
Physically I feel 8 / 10 today, it’s crazy how much Energy is gone after a Session PMO. In my Case body needs round about 7 days to start functioning normal. After Relapse I was like a real zombie ♂ what a waste !!!
Iam still blocked by gf, didn’t called her or send sms. I will send her a birthday card if she not unblock me somehow before that day and I think that’s a good idea to send a signal and not put her under pressure.
Tomorrow I have a important calling with my Job assistant, iam very excited about that and Hope she can help me find a new Job!
Now sleep cu brothers
My phonecall with job assistance was bad, they don’t listen to my wishes and on what kind of Jobs iam interessed to.
Instead they want to put me into a non payed group of ppl with mental illness for 9 months to maybe get a job later when absolved few internships, like what the actual fuck? I asked If that is a joke? Too bad it’s not one. They actual give a shit what you want instead they want to put you into anything just to remove you from statistics!
In the end of this month I speak anyways again with my Therapist, I gonna asked him about rehabilitate Programm for me what I really need to get back on my Feets with those Anxiety and Panic attacks, I can’t work in my actual state, I wouldn’t survive a single day.
Right now absolutely nothing goes in my favor , Relationship fucked up no idea how this ends or if it’s gone already. Jobless and mentally ill. Oh and of cause this stupid pmo addiction bysides that’s Trapp me with the same traps over and over.
Iam honest , I always try to fix my problems but for now iam tired , iam really tired of this life iam living. Asked myself today what’s my purpose on this world, why I need to suffer that much pain? Iam a good Human , when will I see happiness come to my life?
I don’t know what Plans God have with me but I hope to some good things soon in my life. For now I try again to stand up again but Iam very broken.
Bro, its very sad to hear that you are going through such a rough phase. You didn’t deserve it, but probably you are being tested by life, as you know, it only tests strong people. But it doesn’t know that you are much stronger and tougher than this. I’ll stand with you bro. Don’t worry. This phase will pass soon. You just take good care of yourself, and don’t let the words of others affect you. They only know how to put down a person, and when he rises back up they run to take all the credits. Don’t mind those irrelevant frivulous remarks. You are a very strong a tough man, and you can overcome this.
Take care bro.
I try brother, getting overwhelmed with bad things , hope to see a little bit Sunshine under the horizon again soon. Take care aswell nice to have you with me
Can I ask you for something brother? I live very far from you, so I’d want you to take the photo of sunrise and sunset in your place and post it here. I’d like to see if it looks any different from here. If you want, then I’ll post a photo of sunrise and sunset from my place as well.
And ensure that you eo it yourself. I son’t want photos downloaded from internet or some old photos from somewhere else. Take it by yourself tomorrow and post it here.
Sure brother I’ll take a photo from it tomorrow now the sun is gone it’s getting dark.
Yes bro, lets keep it for tomorrow. Atleast it will give us a reason to witness some of the most beautiful moments of life. When you stand there after taking the photo, just try to stand still there for a moment and think about anyone or anything important to you. Think about nothing else. Just 1 minute. Nothing else, and let me know how it makes you feel.
I will do that, sounds interesting Never did that before I’ll tell you tomorrow, let me know your thoughts aswell on that.
Bro, I woke up before sunrise like everyday but then I forgot about it for 15 minutes and within that time, sun was already quite bright. But still, I got the photo of that delayed moment. Hopelly tomorrow, I’ll be able take the photo exactly during sunrise.
That still looks beautiful, bro. Lets try to grab a better photo tomorrow during actual sunrise and sunset.