Dairy of my spiritual journey [18M]

Hello,

I am 18 and on this journey for about 3 years now.
Have been addicted for atleast 6 years.

2 mins 40 secs:
I relapsed moments ago, last streak was 1 day and 12 hours. Yesterday was perfect, i had many urges and conqured them all. It felt good but then last night i had a sexual dream. I didnot during the dream but the problem was that it was about a close female friend of mine. We are really good friends for about 3 years now, and we have been talking over text for the last 2 years due to her moving to another country. After I woke up i remembered the dream vividly and felt quite uneasy, so i thought that I should talk to her about it, maybe it will make me feel better but it made the situation only worse as she said that she had a similar experience some weeks ago. After that i relapsed.

I will now be doing this diary, everytime i get an urge or feel uneasy or i think i might relapse i will write here. If i dont get any urges i will still do an update here so that it becomes a habit.
I hope this helps me

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It’s so easy to say “I will never do it again” just after relapse. Prepare yourself, make a plan, stick to it. Prove that your words mean something. Be brave, be great!

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The next 10 years of your life can become a journey of unthinkable epiphanies and experiences beyond any imagination. You are the creator and receiver of infinite reality. Your life force will guide you the way to inner mastery.

Peace

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1day 5 hours 27 mins:
Finally crossed the one day mark. Didnt get any urges but i did get alot of anxiety attacks today, about 4, but i am glad that I didnt turn to PMO so that i could numb myself instead i ploughed through it.

I have started praying regularly too, today i offered 4 prayers out of 5. Gonna get all 5 tomorrow.

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What do you mean by anxiety attacks?

I have anxiety problems, so at times due to some triggers i get anxiety attacks. I start feeling really nervous, anxious, there a knot in my stomach, heavy sweating. I start shaking at times too. And i dont want to do anything just lay down all alone and withdraw my self from everyone. These can go on for hours too. This creates ideal situations for a relapse. These anxiety issues were my main reason for porn addiction, but now i have started to face them head on and will defeat them.

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1day 9 hours 45 minutes:
I was quite surprised when I didnt have any urges the whole day. When I went to bed i couldnt sleep and laid in bed for atleast an hour and a half. The an urge hit me, I tried to ignore it but it slowly grew stronger so i got out of bed, washed my face and drank some water. It didnt help, and i was getting desperate so I opened the interent and looked some stuff, but before I did something I realized what I was doing and shut it off. Then I came here. It was a close encounter and another urge will creep outta nowhere again but this time I am going to be more vigilant and brave.

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0d 0min 0sec

I relapsed.
It was a wet dream but I will take it as a relapse. I was taking a nap but I woke up in the middle of the dream, I should have gone and taken a shower but instead i slept back again and a relapsed occoured.

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Calm down buddy…
It’s ok…
Don’t fight the urge if you have anxiety because anxiety makes it worse…from my experience i say just let go of “mind” when urge hits you, by that I mean stop thinking, I know you would be thinking that it’s not easy to stop “thinking” but trust me it is not as difficult as you think it is.
Then just open this app look at the streak timing or use the “meditate” option or subtly tell yourself that it’s not the time to think anything
just be…
You can try this let let me know if it helps

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Ok I will surely try that out.
Thank you brother

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@getbackclean so i was having a very strong urge right now with vivid flashes of p*rn so i took your advice. I immediately turned the wifi off and put my phone at a safe distance.
I then layed in bed and tried deep breaths. It did calm down the urge but were nerves were still in disarray.
So i sat on the floor cross legged, closed my eyes and meditated. I also recited some praises of my God and recited a prayer of forgiveness over and over until the urge died.
It felt awesome to take down that beast of an urge. I feel amazing now
Thank you for the advice

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Overcoming an urge is the best feeling in the world in my opinion. Good job man!

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@Wannabedervish
I am happy that the technique has worked for you…
You might have to put efforts in the beginning but it will become effortless in the later part of the journey…
I have also noticed that the mind plays tricks with you like… when you are having an urge you automatically assume that now it will difficult for me to get out of this… but if you subtly tell you mind that “controlling the urge doesn’t have to be difficult… it can be effortless…you just have to take a break from whatever you are doing…you just have to pause… pausing can’t be that difficult”
That’s how I control my urges
And if you think about it …
All this anxiety/depression etc. are all tricks that mind play with you and make you believe that you are in a difficult situation but …you can just pause and look at what your mind is trying to do.
Hope it helps you in your future journey…
Wish you all the best buddy…:v:

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Thanks man, you helped me quite a bit, having an urge right now but believing thats its not difficult and i can easily over come it makes it much easier to bear, everything feels lighter and i feel releaxed overall.
This is my greatest streak in over a month

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Let’s grow … @Wannabedervish
Let’s go…:muscle::muscle::muscle:

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I hit 4 days and 7 hours, longest streak in a really long while and made some good progress too.
But made a mistake and relapsed :frowning:

I had a sexual dream again and woke up in the middle of the night. I should have slept back but I thought I will just check my phone and within 15 mins I was deep into P, and after 4 days of abstaining all the pent up tension attacked me and I was defeated in mere seconds.
I have porn blockers installed but being a tech geek I find ways to bypass them sadly.
I should have been updating this journal more regularly, that was my initial goal and I went away from it. Also I need an alternate release for this tension. I used to smoke for that purpose but it was not helping but making it worse so I left that, 4 months clean there. Maybe exercising will help me release this tension. So i am going to workout from tomorrow and I am adding an 8 pm cold shower to my daily routine for clarity of mind and to help stave off any underlying urges that might take root later.

Get back up…!!!
You have to be more aware of the mind…
Recognise when mind tries to play tricks with you…
Once you recognise then let go…or…just be like I said before…
When the mind says “I’ll just check my phone”
You must recognise that something is :fish: y…
I haven’t started exercising so I cannot comment on that… @Wannabedervish
Hope this helps…:v: