Daily Entries: ChristianMan's Diary (16 M)

Diary
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January 8, 2022

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

I didn’t think too much on my relationship last night. I was up until 1 with my brother singing all the parts of Magnificat. I put it all together in audacity. It was nowhere near perfect or publishable, but I had fun. I had to sing soprano, and a high alto lol.

During that whole process I cracked a few innapropriate jokes which I realize was dumb. I later felt God almost saying “You know that was wrong right?” I said yes. I’ll have to work on my jokes.

I’m struggling with jealousy this morning. My girlfriend cuddles up with her brother on the couch. Which is awesome, and I’m glad she has that bond with her brother, but I worry that when we cuddle it would just feel the same because she’s already done it… I don’t like that feeling… Maybe that’s greed too. Idk. That overwhelming feeling from God I had last night was actually related to this.

I still haven’t decided to just go forward with God and let him handle my crazy emotions… What’s still holding me back? Porn, games, my girlfriend, earthly things. All those temporary things that will never fulfill me…

I need to learn more about God. Who He is and why I should follow Him. If anyone has any books of the Bible to recommend that’d be great!

Anyways, I still have a whole day ahead of me, and a lot to learn. I’m going to hang out with my uncle in a few hours so I’m sure I will enjoy that!

Still Day 0

I love you guys

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January 8, 2022 Update #2

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

Day 1

The urges are back now. They’re light, but frustraiting and still oddly compelling to want to relapse.

I hate it. I want a normal life. I want the urges gone.

I’m tired.

I’m an emotional mess…

I haven’t talked to God today… I don’t want to. I have no reason why not to I just don’t feel like it…

I miss my girlfriend today… She’s on her period, and Idk what to do really. We haven’t texted much today. I miss face to face conversation… I just want to give her a hug.

I feel like writing some music actually. I went to my uncle’s house to get my brother’s drums fixed today. I got to listen to some stuff he put together. His studio is my dream! He has some awesome equipment that I could do so much with. It’s times like this where it’s difficult to set aside the Earthly things.

Todays been pretty fun, but inside I’ve been kinda depressed all day…

Love you guys…

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That’s a bummer. Just give her some space over the next couple of days unless she wants to chat.

It’ll be okay, with your urges. Just don’t act on them. You can do it. I believe in you!

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January 8, 2022 Update #3

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

I relapsed. I’m sad. I’ve hit rock bottom. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry… I’m so weak. So, so weak. I’ve gotta start back from the bottom.

I didn’t talk to God. I ignored him. I didn’t let him talk me out of it. Partially because I still don’t believe he’s there… Faith is a difficult thing. I’ve got a long way to go…

I love you guys…

Day 0

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You’re gonna be okay, brother. I’m praying for you. :pray:

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Buddy try the method told in this video to control the urges … Transmutation of this sexual energy is very important to be focussed on your work …

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that is amazing!
how’s the scene now?

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@GradatimFerocitor That was like 2 months ago. We’re dating nowww!! We’ve got to spend so much time together it’s great!

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You should be proud being an American :joy: . In India it only happens when we reach about 25 years of age or at least when we get some sort of financial security from the job we are doing.

Very few Indians are courageous enough to fight for their gf in their early ages

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Monday, January 17, 2022

A starting point

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

From this point forward. I will try my absolute hardest not to relapse with the help of God. I will not be a slave anymore. I will cry out to God at least 3 times today and remind Him that I can’t do it alone. I will check in with either my mother, my brother, or my youth minister when I get urges. I will go outside everyday possible, and will work out every other day if possible. I will do Bible plans each day. I will listen to easypeasy. I will start a new youtube channel that I will not link here, and I will not show my face. I don’t know what I will do on the channel yet, but something fun :). I will also start a Bible podcast, and voice ny opinions there. I will link that here when it’s first released. I will record a video every day of my streaks and direct it to my girlfriend. I will edit it all together when I tell her… I love her even though I don’t know it yet. I will learn to love her. She’s so innocent and lovely, and it makes me feel all the worse when I relapse… Anyways. I’m starting now. Day 0, hour 0. Here we go. Glory to God for this decision. God bless you all!!!

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Great goals. But you need to have a firm foundation, house built on sand will not stand at all once temptations come.

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That’s why I chose God :).

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Thursday, January 20, 2022

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

Hey guys… I’m in a really rough spot… I’ve relapsed so much in the past few days… I’ve wanted to cry for quite some time now, but never enough to make me do so… I made promises that I didn’t keep… People look up to me here, and I know that… But if I’m not actively letting Jesus live through me then I don’t know why you guys ever looked up to me. I’m not doing a whole lot of good things at the moment… I’ve sinned over and over and over again… I relapse, I’m guilty, I’m sad, I relapse again, and the cycle repeats itsself… I have a girlfriend… She’s so innocent… I don’t deserve her… But I guess God put her in my life for a reason… There’s a lot of things I don’t deserve… I don’t deserve God… I don’t deserve His son, and the sacrifice He made… And yet He did it anyways. Why? Why for me? I deserve to rot in the pits of Hell… Where did I go wrong? I can only try at this point. Try to deserve the things given to me even though I never will. I don’t think anyone deserves the good things given honestly… But God so loved the world… I don’t know where I stand right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do from this moment forward. I’m not making any promises to you guys this time… I’ll screw up… Because I’m human. Maybe I won’t commit any sexual sin after this post I wouldn’t know. That’d be great, but that’s a lot of work from God. Even if I stop PMOing I’ll get stuck somewhere else. But God said that’s what humans do. That’s what you will do, but that’s not who you are. So I will keep striving to be a better man for God, my family, my girlfriend, my friends, my school, my church, and this world. So that one day I can go home. And I can’t do it without God. Can I get an Amen? I’m taking a step forward. Will I withdraw my foot? Maybe Idk… I have such a hard time growing with God because I’ve told him no so much, and now there’s no room for him… But I will try… I love you guys. I’m sorry that everyone has to deal with this garbage… God bless you all with the strength to keep going when you’re on the edge! I believe in you guys… If it’s not too much to ask I need your prayers… I need some strength to start this journey. Anyways. That’s all out of me today. Peace Out

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It’s gonna be okay, brother. I know what you’re going through. But you won’t be here forever. You will get out if this. You have reasons to fight and fight in you. It’s been hard the last few weeks, and you’ve been relapsing, but God’s with you. Even if you turn Him down He’ll still seek you out and find you. None of us deserve that kind of grace, or to be given loving friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends, but God gave it to us since that’s what’s best for us. Everything He does for our good. You will get out of this and be stronger than ever. Any day now you will realize what you have to do and be free. Have courage and don’t lose hope. :pray:

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Brother, you’re not alone in this, remember you have people around you that love you alot, I know when you’re facing the temptations to relapse you don’t know who to talk to, or you may give yourself excuses why not to call this person or that (maybe they’re busy…) Well these excuses made by the devil, he wants to isolate you from people that love you, surround yourself with these people, talk to them when you’re feeling down, You said it, God put them in your life, don’t overthink about it, just call them, be with them, talk to them, whenever you feel weak don’t hesitate to go to these people, cause God is in them and with them, go there take the power from there.

Another thing, don’t condemn your self, don’t fight or blame or hate your,

See man, this here , you deserve God, and he loves you, and He decided God decided you deserve him, you deserve to be his son. You blaming your self will lead to sadness and hating your self, that’s the devil’s work, be careful man, it won’t help you. God love you, he knows all, he’s wise, and He choose you, you deserve his sacrifice, you deserve to be happy, to over come this, Jesus’s your friend, when you’re feeling down he will be there for you, no matter how dark things get.

Just remember God sent you people that love you, don’t hesitate to contact them, God is in them and with them, that’s how you can be closer to God and feel him.

God bless you my friend

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Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

Day 1

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

It has successfully been 24 hours since I last relapsed. Even though I’m going to try not to count the days as much it’s only been a day so why care right now. I’m finally back in the green, and I already feel so much better. Especially after a cold shower. I was literally jumping around in the shower lol. Those always wake me up, and my body temperature is always perfect a few minutes after I get out. I’ve started calling my girlfriend and praying with her at night which I’m enjoying, but I keep getting nervous and focus on my presentation rather than the actual prayer. I’m sure I’ll adjust with time, but I’ll work on it.

Here’s what I did today including some things I mentioned above:

  • School 7 hours
  • Played some video games (CODM)
  • Puppet practice for church
  • Wednesday night worship
  • Took very few notes
  • Cold shower
  • Called my girlfriend and prayed with her

That’s all out of me today!

For God, my love, and my life!

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Your on track,keep at it brother.:+1:

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Sunday January 30th, 2022

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

Today I started off strong. I had a pretty good day until the end, I had a very anxious end to my day, but things are all good. I went out to eat with my girlfriend after church this morning. I got to meet her grandparents, and I think it went decently well. I’m bad at meeting people. I also preached tonight. It was rushed, and I was really nervous, but I’m improving. My girlfriend doesn’t care too much about PDA, but I get all nervous when I’m with her in public, and I never know what to do. Anyways, I’ve kind of lost my motives for NoFap tonight. I know I have reasons to stop, and the urges aren’t even strong but I’m just not feeling it rn. Ig I’ll see how it plays out.

For God, my love, and my life

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Keep it up! You can do it.

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Same i feel like I had so much passion months ago and zeal.
I mean i have been anxious a lot lately. But I did pray :pray: to God that in the very act of temptation though it is shameful I still want o call him for help. I found out that when I give in I get tunnel vision and forget I can call on the lord

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