Crusher's Daily Log - Journey Towards Rewiring My Brain [First Goal: 120 Days]

Diary
21

Current Streak: 18 Days 12 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 102

Additional Notes:

  1. I am slowly accepting that pain is a part of me.
  2. Day by day I am becoming calmer, focused and more productive. Obviously, the body and mind keeps improving as soon as one make up his/her mind to abstain from sins.
22

Current Streak: 25 Days 20 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 95

23

Current Streak: 28 Days 11 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 92

Additional Notes:

  1. My skin feels amazing, I had a lot of acne on my arms from my childhood and they are all gone.

  2. Noticing more volume on my hair and beard.

Word of Advice:

If you really want to know what kind of monster ■■■■ can turn you into, I would highly recommend watching these 10 episodes of the TV show Dexter:
Season 5: Episodes 3-12

You will understand what you could be 10 years from now if you keep relapsing.

Warning:

Don’t watch if you can’t stomach violence. After all, this show is about a serial killer who only kills monsters.

24

Current Streak: 30 Days 00 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 90

30-Days-Streak Achieved…(Not a fan of Bollywood, but this GIF seems appropriate to express how I feel):

https://media1.tenor.com/images/34f677074342df4527c99983086476e2/tenor.gif?itemid=10388389

25

@crusher, I’m gonna give this Waterfox a try!

1 Like
26

Current Streak: 36 Days 12 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 84

Additional Notes:

  1. Most probably experiencing flatline. Anger is taking over most of the time, pretty hard to control it. Often feeling nothingness, no thoughts, no focus, nothing.
27

Current Streak: 38 Days 12 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 82

Additional Notes:

  1. Anger is gone, feeling more content. Thankfully, the flatline didn’t last longer than 3 days, most of it came from fever I guess, as it made me weak.

  2. Feeling good, but not great, though, I don’t want to feel great and relapse again (ref: Trigger #2).

  3. Not feeling any fear at all. My skin literally feels amazing.

  4. Not getting any urges at all, I do feel the “Sexual Energy” though, but I immediately identify it and transmute it for good.

  5. I do get flashbacks of various ■■■■ videos, but I literally feel disgusted and ashamed that I saw such BS. I don’t even feel pity to those bustards who make a livelihood from making those videos.

28

Current Streak: 41 Days 12 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 79

Additional Notes:

  1. Guilt is getting the best of me, very hard to meditate now.
  2. Sleep quality became very good. I usually couldn’t sleep for more than 2 hours straight, now I don’t wake up at all in the middle of the night.
29

Current Streak: 47 Days 11 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 73

Leaving this forum. Can’t find any reason to share my life with others.

1 Like
30

Hey @Crusher

I am encouraged by your log, I have started my 90 days hard mode/monk mode, since I am married, I have told this to my wife she agreed to it, but once in a few days I give her hugs and some very light kisses to show my affection to her but not sexually. I have found out that I can express my love for my wife in more than one way! :slight_smile:

1 Like
31

Dont give up bro, am on day 11 and 90 looks way beyond reach, but reading your log I feel I can go for it! I have not gone beyond 12, and today its really tough for me to keep going

1 Like
32

@Nischal Didn’t really give up tbh, I actually kept things to myself for so long, I forgot how to share with others. But if this thread is inspiring someone, I will definitely be keeping this log. Good to know that you have a wife whom you love, I don’t have any plans to get married, the way I am going about my business, I will die as a billionaire but I will die alone.

Current Streak: 49 Days 15 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 71

Additional Notes:

  1. Still feeling disgusted of myself for watching those filthy videos ever in my life.

  2. Suddenly the nightfalls became quite regular, I have no idea why. Am getting started on some medications in a few days which might be helpful in controlling it.

  3. The only challenge so far I faced is the enormous guilt. Once I almost edged because I just couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to relapse, but suddenly I realized I am browsing through all those girl’s pictures but I just couldn’t look at their body, I could only look into their eyes, after trying for half an hour I gave up.

I committed a lot of sins, I can only wish that “The Most Merciful” will be kind enough to forgive me.

1 Like
33

Anyone who repents from his heart, will recieve Repentance, I will not push them away says the Lord.

Thank you @Crusher for it.

I made a mistake of looking at some YouTube video, it wax my mistake. Due to which I think there was a fall. I think I won’t look at videos with any contents as such to provoke me, because what’s in the mind is what we act out.
Using these I find warning and comfort

Even if we look at a woman lustfully we have committed adultery with her. - Matt 5:27,28

…whoever comes to me I will not reject them - John 6:37

1 Like
34

I stay away from Youtube as far as possible, Youtube is full of nudity (so-called singers with body covered in plastic [surgery]) and disgusting time-passers (ref: Logan Paul). Uninstalled it from my phone as well using the method mentioned mentioned in the 4th post of this thread. Google made sure that Youtube and Chrome can’t be uninstalled, thankfully, there’s always a workaround. Don’t keep any browser on your phone as well, Chrome can be uninstalled using the same method.

Though, I have some useful channels bookmarked and only visit those channels via PC, e.g. Keep Productive.

My last relapse was because of Youtube, started on Youtube, and ended on a Porn website.

35

Current Streak: 52 Days 21 Hours

Days Remaining Till First Goal is Achieved: 68