I don’t know, if it matters or not but I’m a girl.
I have to admit, that I have this addiction of masturbation. And I have it for a so long time that it’s seems impossible sometimes to be free from it.
I can remember doing it first when I was 4 years old, but I only got to know what is it at around 13. Now I’m 23. I had some months in the past, when I was completely free (in my mind and heart as well), but I relapsed again and again.
I’ve never watched porn but I read girl’s/women’s magazines, teenager novels etc… it’s the same for girls. So now I have these memories or knowledge that I wish I could delete from my brain. (And I’m really sorry that there was no adults protecting/stopping me from it. Parents can be sooo superficial and naive.)
It’s even worse that I’m a christian. (And technically a virgin.) Everyone respects me in my community because otherwise I’m not totally evil and I go to medschool, care about people, serve etc… But it’s eating me up. (I was at counseling, confessing my sins so many times, but it didn’t help. /probably shoud try again/) I’m emberrased and so ashamed about that. And even more because of that the fact that I STILL have this problem.
I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months now, who really cares about me and I really do not want to ruin that with my struggles. He’s also a christian and I think there’s a perspective in our relationship to grow into something serious so I would like to protect it from any harmful habits and way of thinking. We’re not there yet, but probably I’m going to talk with him about that.
I don’t know, if it’s important or not but as a observed it in the past months, I tend to fail 2-3 times in a months. My latest record is 21 days.
I guess it’s a little bit different from men’s addiction, because it’s more related to emotions: anxiety, stress, loneliness… Not only to these, visuals matters, too, but when I feel low, it’s more likely that I’m gonna be more open to the other things. And the relapse is done cooking, as it has happened yesterday, again.Today I downloaded this app to get more additional help.
I’m not giving up.
I’d like to add that I truly appreciate all your efforts, guys, to be and I wish you all of you the best!