Day 16. Check in.
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Sorry Guys, I again failed. I made same mistake as earlier to watch webseries. I saw some scenes which make me relapsed. Sorry But I will start again with strong will. From now I will not watch any kind of webseries.
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Relapsed again in morning(Chaser effect). Don’t know what is happening with me. Please GOD save me from this. I think I need to rest one day and start again fresh.
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Week 17 - Sun, Jul 13, 2020 - Streak: 0 days
9 days I made it, man I was already feeling so good. But I got stupid, I assumed all would be well and when the urges came I fell. How many times have I made that mistake?
It’s curious to me, after relapsing, I listen to music to escape the pain and guilt from relapsing. And it makes me feel better, feel like I could do good next time. But why? I’m literally just feeding temporary satisfaction, just like I am with the relapse. I’m giving myself that out, the escape, that temporary “you can do it” feel-good stuff. But I’m not actually making any efforts. My time would be better spent figuring out what the hell went wrong.
Which by the way, is clear to me. I didn’t keep in practice my mindfulness habits in the morning (journal and/or learning about the addiction). I stopped doing that. I think what brought me so far this time was having a good start, focusing on my hobbies lately, and getting lucky with urges.
I’m tired of checking in here just for the sake of it though. If I’m not utilizing this forum, then why am I here? There are plenty of people giving good resources, that I don’t use. It’s really true, if you want something, you will get it. Knock and the door will be opened for you so to speak (yes I know, out of context quote).
I’ve been realizing that with my hobbies. For the longest time I hindered myself by saying that “only people who started young can do that”. But that’s so wrong, it’s about the real time and effort you put in. If you really want to learn, if you really want to grow, you will. But it’s all about whether you’re willing to go out of your comfort zone, make the time, and do it.
Enough said. Goodnight 
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Brother, We can start fresh together with new hope and with new habits. Hope Lord will give us strength to do this.
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@Special_Bird
Yes, it can be tiring checking in here sometimes, but please don’t feel bound to it, it’s just a blank canvas.
Things aren’t so black & white.
If we can face both ways, and hold conflicting thoughts without going mad, we’re sound.
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. Shouldn’t we be welcoming it, rather than run from it?
Music helps escape the pain and guilt.
But is that such a bad thing?
The pain and guilt may light a fire under your ass, and feel as though it makes stuff happen, but both guys “the momentary escapist” and “the hardliner” both have the same opportunities.
But I know what you mean, it’d be better to be a hardliner, and to snap out of it. Cold showers everyday 
It was a good day today, thanks be to God,… Well actually it wasn’t great at all, but I had evening Mass, And confession for the first time in ages 
Agh man, its so awesome, I wanted to say “damn awesome” but it doesn’t seem right 
The rational honest accountability without any loftiness with a “professional” 
(no, that doesn’t seem right either) but a confessor is of that nature. A priest/spiritual director has a duty to lead you to God ;v_v; what an absolute blessing. The world is never lost as long as there’s people like that Thanks be to God
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith
Monday 13th Day 13
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Week 18 - Mon, Jul 13, 2020 - Streak: 0 days
@Karan050 Yes brother, we must 
I’m with you in this, let us rise up from this suffering.
@anon67854825 Yes very true man, I definitely agree with you, I think it’s important to be able to speak our mind, to have a place to do that, even if the thoughts contradict each other. There’s something very helpful about writing, and I think writing them out usually dispells the contradiction in our mind once it’s written out.
Ah I guess I just get so frustrated, it’s a lament rather than maybe a complete thought process or mindset. However, there is a huge element to hardlining which I think is important, especially for initial momentum. But flexibility and a learning/open mindset is probably the best.
Thanks for the balance check though bro your input is always appreciated 
As for today, it wasn’t quite what I wanted it to be. Felt slow like walking through mud and couldn’t focus, spent most of my day staring at my computer screen trying to get myself to work. I should have just set a smaller goal for today and done other productive things instead. But oh well, to be expected coming off a bad relapse.
I was reading my old 90 days clean post. Very informative. I realized my inability to recover was because I didn’t learn to manage my emotions with consistency. I also read some posts on another forum, and got a lot of useful information from that. I’m going back over old success strategies, seeing what I’m forgetting and what went wrong. So at the least, I feel good about that.
Well I better get to bed. Goodnight
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Tuesday, July 14
Sorry for not checking-in lately. I know I shouldn’t apologise for not posting but I feel I’m only making my situation worse and doing bad to myself and to you guys, when I stay away from this forum.
In the past couple weeks I relapsed basically every day, usually twice a day, sometimes once, a couple days thrice. I tried to get back on my feet, set the ball rolling again by having some clean days, but always ended up relapsing again.
I really need to find the strength to change again, to work on my life, I have been quite lazy lately, gave up on some of the habits I maintained during my previous streak.
Hoping to find new energy, to get out of this bad cycle!
Don’t relapse guys, it is not worth it, you will regret having lost your streak every single time. It will bring you down, disrupt your mood and your willingness to improve and make something out of yourselves. Deprive you of physical energy. I’m an expert on relapses, trust me, just don’t do it 
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Bless you @Gk-00
And great observations @Special_Bird
“I was reading my old 90 days clean post. Very informative. I realized my inability to recover was because I didn’t learn to manage my emotions with consistency”
me too, me too
@Karan050 I viewed inappropriate stuff this morning
My plan was to skip Mass and do a small job I need to get out of the way, which didn’t happen
A few things have been troubling my mind recently, and I can’t see where to, or how to move forward with clarity. (though at times I do find my way or find inspiration)
Work/career and my non existant Love life.
There’s a lot I could vent.
Its not a perfect streak I’m on since I have viewed a few times,… @Gk-00 you are so right. Relapse really is never worth it for where I am right now.
I am glad I realise this every time.
Knowing I’m on a streak towards 90 days, not perfect, but I’ve retained my semen and come to my senses every time, is good.
I’m thinking of you @Karan050 I know you are strong and much more in charge, but please count your blessings, and see that you’re doing better than you realise.
I’m on an imperfect day 14, but it’s better than day 0 for making some mistakes or being weak … Well, I guess it works both ways,… But I think my point is, hold onto your streaks, find motivation, listen to music, get distracted.
In the recent past, I’ve wasted time on pointless things like hobbies, even church, as there aren’t goals in them. But they have sustained me, and kept me away from the addiction.
Anything that keeps us away is surely good
I’m feeling a bit wrecked at the moment, due to overthinking (slight panic in my words, searching) please wish me good things
I feel finally done with weed. My household is crazy at the moment, but I actually don’t like what weed does to me at all. It’s crazy to fall for that trap, it’s exactly the same as pmo.
I need to get back into exercise, spine stretches and releasing those endorphins.
My dog goes crazy for a deep back, spine rub. Same for me🙏
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Weed means marijuana? If yes then please stay away from this. It is not healthy.
Yeah brother, I am trying to work more. Because in past few days I was very lazy and just surfed internet very much. But now i am learning to focus on my work.
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Day 1. Check in. This chaser effect of this time is really hard for me but I have to constantly think that my thoughts(nofap) are bigger than urges.
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Thank you @Karan050 
I will still sane
I hope you guys are all well, @Gk-00 @Forodwaith @Special_Bird @rowdy_nik @Forerunner
I know Forodwaith has also joined ‘fortify’ - I’m sure he doesn’t mind me mentioning it.
I really admire that you’re taking it seriously, and finding new ways bro it’s a good lesson for all.
Tuesday 14th
It was a good day, a long drive out with my elder friend, and our mate (new work buddy)
I hit a downer later this evening.
It’s sometimes difficult to account for the day,
I either forget, or don’t want to dwell in *negative thoughts. I can’t see what led me to *neggy-vibes, or I do know and would rather not dwell on it.
Does anyone else struggle with anything similar?
Anyway, my low was cut short,… My elderly friend was snoozing, and the door rang, my mate had come back before going home. We went out for a beer and bought some food back home.
His ringing back, was as though God had sent an angel He rang my phone a few times which I missed, but he still came and rang the door, just because he fancied getting some real potato cut chips (fries) after he’d seen a friend.
We had great conversation, and liked that I could enjoy listening to him, I also managed to open up, and go a little deeper into past drama, and why things the way they are now.
I didn’t smoke anything most of the day, and didn’t even realise.
In the evening, after we’d got back from our beer and had eaten, we smoked a bit of weed together. I felt much much more relaxed and carefree about it, it was good to carry on the social vibe with our/my new work mate.
I wasn’t going to avoid it, or get stressed because of it. I smoked, and… M’eh… Nah, I don’t really care for it at all. I don’t need it.
After my mate had decided to finally go home, my friend put his spilff out “I’ve had enough of that”
It was good to see that, Thanks be to God
It’s not for me to take the moral high ground, but do what’s best for me. Amen
It just came to mind,… During confession my priest encouraged me to be a witness. That was that kind of moment.
@Karan050 about that point I made, it was really addressing that idea about escapism.
I don’t think it’s such a bad thing.
It creates some time to relax.
I bought yet another fragrance recently which finally arrived today 
Le 3’ Homme de Caron, by the French niche house, Caron.
It has strong clove and lavender notes in the middle, as well as coriander.
Citruses on top, And vetiver & oakmoss at the base.
Astringent, spicy, bitter, very strong, powerful. I’m still getting used to it, and noticing it’s not linear, but develops nicely.
It’s quite similar to something I’ve smelt before, I’m unsure where it fits in with my collection other than with Yatagan another Caron product, both having some similar DNA and style.
It’s kind of like Lagerfeld Classic which Al Pacino famously doused himself in to get into the role of Scarface.
Classed as a Woody Aromatic, and created in 1985 by Akiko Kamei
I could imagine Tom Selleck might have worn it back in the day, and probably still does
Yep, a great blind buy, a nice treat.
Not massively expensive, just as much as a recent designer frag that’s gone out of fashion.
Most niche frags are just way too ridiculous to even think about testing with the idea of purchasing. This could be a very expensive hobby.
Stay positive and keep on the path
Eyes on God above all things
It was a struggle a few times today, but my streak is going up. I want to get to 90 days, but I feel I’ll want/need more time to fully rewire.
My downers and personal struggles, I can and will get through. I’ve got through them many times. It’s in God that I’m resolved.
My mate unintentionally reminded me of a few things which burst that bubble. I get so wrapped up and warped by what I am doing, I forget about the world - not always a bad thing, but in this instance it’s been like a cage.
Him coming back was a beautiful sign
Taste and see that the Lord is God
Thank you Lord 
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I’m glad you’re back posting. I’ve been struggling a lot lately as well. I’m almost two days into my next reboot and have started fortify which I’m finding really helpful.
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2 weeks
Yes I’m doing well brother, Thanks for checking on. Trying to nab a Work from Home IT job, tough times now. Hope you’re doing well too. Stay Strong 
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Wednesday 15th day 15
Good day, tough day, and some heavy out-pouring this evening. I made it through the day, Thanks be to God. Slowly addressing some important things with myself, nothing too heavy. Staying clean will reveal things naturally - we don’t need to keep picking, but plant the seed and let it grow
Love you guys, thank you again @Taher
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Hi bro day 8 today and my code is gugjm6. Feeling great today… tomorrow had a very bad headache but didn’t lost hope. … Btw my biggest streak is 20 days:+1:
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Day 3. Check in. I Am doing good✌
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