Casper's Journey

Day 5: completed; almost there…

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Day 6: completed; final day before the week ends :slight_smile:

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Now don’t repeat the same mistake,
and don’t disappoint me.

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Day 7: completed; yay! Time to try again… again!

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Day 11: failed; it seems like I’m having a difficult time with the second week barrier. I’m going to alter my strategy to see what happens. For now, I will skip the seven week period, and try journaling once a week the entire time.

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Day 7: completed; I feel more confident, but I’ll see what happens by next week.

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Day 11: failed; I need to address the root issue if I’m going to get past this barrier. My goal this month (and next) will be that second week mark.

things I notice

  • when it’s night, I have sexual thoughts

  • after the first week, I experience many wet dreams

things I could try

  • sleep with ambients or background music

Background music has been really helpful for studying, staying focused, and completing school work so I should try using it during nights.

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Day 2: failed; I really don’t like the immediate urges after a recent relapse, but I’ll need to try again.

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Day 4: failed; this is more serious than I thought. Compared to last month, I experience more sexual dreams, leading to daydreams and eventually a relapse. Although I like ambients, they aren’t very effective. I’ll try different things to see what works.

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Day 3: failed; It’s time for some introspection!

It’s been about three months since I started journaling on Rewirecompaion, and this might be a convenient time to look inward by examining my actions, environments, and psyche.

Aside from Rewire, I’ve recorded my daily habits for nearly 400 days, such as completed exercises, passion-related activities, and a few mundane tasks. As a result, I’m more productive and self-aware than ever. Even though I struggle to overcome my addiction (loosely defined), I might be able to form a more concrete hypothesis as to why.

For context, I complete my high school classes online, so I don’t have any human connection. In addition, I don’t have a close relationship with my parents, siblings, or friends from middle school. I don’t think I’ve had a relationship where both sides tried to understand each other. Instead, most of my relationships were implied because of my varying circumstances (e.g., school/family dynamic).

Throughout my many experiences, there’s always a glaring detail. I don’t have any close relationships. Most of my urges start with fantasies that involve myself being in a close relationship with a partner. Even my favorite cartoons, animes, and songs contain stories and ideas of romantic connection. It’s clear that I have a strong desire for an intimate relationship, and that’s a really high hurdle for me.

I need to think of how I will address this problem and continue forward. Though it pains me, I don’t plan on giving up.

It looks like I have a long road ahead of me!

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Day 3: failed; I’ve put some thought and created a plan to help.

Immediate:

  • Thinking aloud helps me organize my thoughts and generate ideas more efficiently, but it would be even more helpful if I had someone to listen. So I’ll try using a voice diary, via memo, to record and listen to myself.

Future:

  • I’m not really an extroverted individual, but sometimes I like social spaces. I’m thinking of obtaining a driver’s license as soon as possible and volunteering for community service. By doing so, It’ll be easy for me to meet new people.
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Day 7: completed; I almost forgot to record my progress today

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Day 10: failed; Loneliness is still an issue, but I have better strategies now. I’ve made some changes for the year.

Exercises:

  • I’ve added morning walks and afternoon jogs to my daily routine. I’m doing a pretty good job maintaining my schedule so far.

Bedtime:

  • I have been sleeping somewhat early for the past month, and I’m less sleep deprived now.

Gaming:

  • I mostly played Genshin Impact, but in the last month, I stopped playing. I didn’t play any other game aside from that so I’ve essentially stopped gaming. Playing games didn’t really get in the way of my daily life, but now I can have a more flexible schedule.

Voice diary:

  • I’m still using this strategy; I even made a playlist for it.
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Why?
Why are you doing this man.
Don’t you see that your mind is fooling you!
How many times! How many times you failed at this point. Loneliness is a aftermath. Right now I’m going through it.
You want to change your life, first change yourself. This is what i learnt. If you are not making any change then you are not growing!!
Just tell me what are those fucking strategies that you are working on again and again and again!!
There is no fucking strategy. Just get out you have to face the world.

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I’m having trouble understanding; could you clarify?

I just want to say that you are doing the same mistake.
You always relapse at 2nd week.
And you always tells you have better strategy, you have new ideas.
But nothing works.
Your mind making excuses like relapse and we will find new strategy.
Take a look at your diary.

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  • I don’t think I relapse by mistake. I relapse because I have a strong desire to, which is why I want to change that.

And you always tells you have better strategy, you have new ideas.
But nothing works.

  • To some extent, you’re correct. There are many things I try that don’t work, but if I don’t change anything, then I likely won’t see any change. For reference, it took me a month and a half before I reached the one week mark.

Your mind making excuses like relapse and we will find new strategy. Take a look at your diary.

  • To be fair, most of my strategies aren’t necessarily “new.” They are mostly old strategies that I’ve improved. For example, I used to exercise indoors, but over the past week and a half, I started to walk and jog outside to avoid isolation (a common cause of loneliness).

  • Similarly, I usually make an observation¹ based on past behavior before making a strategy. For instance, I noticed that loneliness was a major problem² in my life while keeping a personal journal, and experiencing a socially inactive lifestyle. As a result, I started making strategies to help change that.

    1. NeutralCasper: “Aside from Rewire, I’ve recorded my daily habits for nearly 400 days…”

    2. NeutralCasper: “Throughout my many experiences, there’s always a glaring detail. I don’t have any close relationships.”

    • In short, it takes days or weeks of self-reflection before making a plan, and sometimes it’s done after relapsing a few times.

Nonetheless, I appreciate the feedback! You helped me think and re-evaluate, but I would like to hear what you think I should be doing instead.

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Whats ur hs?
(20 char)

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Look brother,
socializing is very important.
You have to make friends, enjoy with them. Whenever I meet my friends that day is always gets good one.
Well, where are you from?
And just getting outside and wondering is not very helpful.
2 days ago i relapsed and I’m feeling lovely but as i talk with friends and the people around me i feels good.
Yesterday I didn’t talked to anyone and i almost relapsed but not today, i spent a few time with friends and I’m good.

I won’t say the name, but it’s essentially a self-paced private online high school.