[Cantstopthis] My story. A journey into my mind

I was introduced to M at age four. As long as i can remember i have used it to sleep ,to make me feel better. In my teen year’s thing’s got worse it went from this thing that helped me sleep to this very sexual thing and it was everywhere i couldn’t stop looking at women on street,in pictures it got to point i could get off in public, in front of people without anyone knowing. Then i got my first relationship and because i was already deep masterbation i couldn’t control myself i kept trying to push the limts and even tho we didn’t have sex it was close and caused the end of the relationship. But that didn’t stop me i still saw nothing wrong at that time and continued. Few years later i got involved in my next relationship only this one was complete opposite of the last one. Within a few weeks of knowing each other we were having sex and living together i was 17. This relationship went on for almost ten years and introduced to me to whole new world like toys,bondage,roly play,video’s and more i loved it wasn’t anything I didn’t want to try and most of it i enjoyed more then i ever wanted to admit it. But then it quickly turned into this horrible fix i couldn’t seem to fill and at that point in my life I was addicted to drugs so i turned to prostitution to fill both my habits for years. Thing’s changed in my life where I wasn’t living that life anymore i had moved away, cut ties with everyone and hoped I’d start fresh but I struggled and took me two years to realize if i was really going to stop doing M i had to look away when a women came into view,i had to be careful of what i watched and listened to,I had to turn away from massive temptations around me after alot of fighting i got a year free of it and had just gotten married. But I didn’t never told him how bad this really was or how deep i had really gotten into it and I didn’t know that the person i had just married also struggled with PMO. Finding out all the secrets and lies crushed me i replased hard but after few months of struggling I choose to learn everything i possibly could about this epidemic we’re facing so that i could better fight it and stay on track. But my spouse wasn’t ready to stop and didn’t know how to tell me that so for year lied and continued behind my back. Every time I found out about a lie or got caught in lie i relapsed for year i fought and struggled to get just 30 days. Then three months ago i found out it was alot bigger then i knew about and we separated. After that I threw my recovery out the window and dove pretty deep into a binge. Month ago my spouse and I had a really good talk agreed 30 days clean and that would go to counselling. I struggled sex is something that i think about all the time and I’m triggered everywhere i go or look. I started having huge amounts of anger and other withdrawl symptoms that i just couldn’t control like how instantly wet I’d be if girl was in view or something reminded me of a video I’d watched but couldn’t seem to keep my eye’s away and even tho was doing good all day would then find myself doing M in my sleep all thing’s i never went thro any of the other times i went M. Thro many battles of my thoughts i had 30 days free and it just happened that was first day we had counselling. i was thinking whole time oh we’re going to go in here air everything out and walk away closer able to have sex i couldn’t get it outta my mind i wanted so badly to just give into my strong sexual urges. But we didn’t walk out of there closer if anything further apart and i was crushed all that positive brain talk and retraining of my mind evaporated. All i could think was the negative like wow i really am disgusting and that i could never truly be free of this, that i desreve to pay/hurt for struggling with this, that it’s wrong and not normal for a women to struggle with this like this,its not normal for a Christian women to struggle with this, i wondered if people would be better off without me, i wondered why i was so hard to talk to, i wondered why loved the internet when i could be kinkyer in real life,feeling likemy marraige was over because he hasnt reached rock bottom yet, feeling like it was all just pointless. more i thought and felt the worse it got and before knew it fell into deep binge. Haven’t been able to stop doing M, haven’t been to stop thinking about sex yet i cant fill this urge so not sure why I keep trying. It all feels out of control and withdrawls are ten times worse. I can’t live like this anymore but don’t know how to break the control it has over my life when sex is so hugely ingrained in me and my mind for 26 years. I am trying to stop but need to try harder and from what I’m told part of that is getting stuff outta my head instead of letting it roll around up there,cant fight this alone,Also part of that is being careful what watch and listen to. But I’m still struggling to get just one day where I’m not edging or doing M. So i am going to step outta this silence and isolation by sharing the ramblings of my mind as i walk this journey to being free from this.
Today is day one

Wow, I wish you a lot of strength… Sounds like it’s really a hardcore case. You really need a clean year, but you can’t have the proper motivation because you don’t know how life can look like… So just keep in mind that what you can reach is so amazing that you even can’t imagine the ephemeral amazingness of the heaven that is open to you. You know all about NoFap now and you are here in this community, so all you got to do is to walk the path now.

P. S. What really helped me in the beginning struggles was to constantly read the motivational quotes on the front site of the app under the counter. Sometimes I just sat for an hour just constantly clicking it. After a while those messages get ingrained in your subconscious and you get a deeper understanding what this path is about. You can achieve so much.

Good luck.

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Day one is so hard after a binge the temptations are everywhere i look. I’m Fighting to redirect my mind,eye’s and hands. While fighting exhaustion, nausea, whole body shaking, inability to dry if mind or eye’s wander, shame, guilt, anger, inability to focus. With so much temptation around me and so much to fight against be so much easier to just give in. But I am choosing to fight against the mountains in front of me so that i may gain freedom from chains that keep in silence and isolation

So i have it to day two. I do feel little better then yesterday the shaking has kinda lessened but the thoughts are so very loud. They tell me I’m worthless nobody’s ever wanted me and nobody will so why not, they everyone’s giving in and noone cares what your doing or not doing, they tell me my marraige is over and I’ll be alone so might as well, they tell me I’ll never be free of PMO it’ll just forever be ingrained in me, they remind me of how my spouse is still using and lieing so its okay,they tell me if i just did everything inside me wouldnt hurt so bad,they tell me might as well watch it its all women good for,they tell me i desreve this and all pain,they tell me I’ll make you feel like death like you just want to kill yourself but i won’t kill you and so much more. But God says i am forgiven i have Been made new, that he choose me,wants me so i am no long these lies my mind says and if i choose he will fight with me, for me which must be i got more power in my pocket then i realized to be able to fight this. So i am going to be glad proud im on day two and be greateful for lil thing’s as take this one step at a time