Can anyone relate to this thought or feeling while relapsing?

Posted this on r/nofap. Wanted to post the same here. If anyone can give advice it would be helpful.

When I relapse and PMO, especially when I cum, some stupid thought comes into my mind. Right now it is something work related. Before few month’s it used to be a friend or family members names or face. Few years back it used to be an event, close friends name or face. As I cum it just appears out of thin air and ruins my orgasm. It creates a intense sense of guilt and it makes me want to PMO again properly. But this keeps repeating.

Some redundant thought creeps into my mind exactly at the moment of my orgasm. This creates a extremely strong sense of guilt. Afterwards I want to PMO again till I get the perfect orgasm. This never ever happens. This loop repeats for weeks, even months till I somehow find enough willpower to stop PMO.

This feeling of guilt and weirdness that I thought of someone else during my orgasm wants me to do PMO again. If I didn’t get the thought of person’s face during my orgasm, someone else’s face or name appears on my mind.

But this kind of thing never happens when I edge and watch porn without masturbation or orgasm. This leads to hours of edging. I am talking 4-5 hours till I cum. When I edge I am completely focused on the porn.

When I masturbate and orgasm, I can’t focus, my minds thoughts sticks to random people’s faces (mostly men) and gives me intense guilt.

I am not asking for a technique to resolve this thought. I just want to know does anyone else have a similar experience when they cum while watching porn.

It feels like every single thing that is bad about myself shows up right at the moment of my orgasm and ruins it. I am under extreme stress and guilt because of this.

Note that last time it went away was 2 months ago when I had 15 days streak. After relapsing, first few days were good. I was still watching porn and jerking off, but this weird shit did not happen. After 1 or 2 weeks, this kind of thinking starts to happen.

I feel psychotic. I know I need to stop. But the memory of my last orgasm was so bad that I just want to do it one more time properly, even though I know it won’t happen. Still I want to do it.

Does anyone have similar experience such as this? Please comment.

Sorry for a long post. Just want to get it out of my head.

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No brother I haven’t experienced it or heard the same from anyone.
You already working on the solution if you’re doing nofap

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Yeah, I actually really do know what you mean here.
I have also thought to myself, “that wasn’t good enough to be the last time I ever do it, I need to end on a good note”.
It is good that you realize that this good note will never happen :+1:
It is also worth noting that there is probably a reason for this, for it not feeling good: because deep down we know that it is wrong, and hurting us.
Trust the process.
Are you married? I can assure you that marital intimacy does NOT produce these same bad feelings before/during/after.

Do you have the same kind of feelings when you have sex with your partner?