Broken After Relapsing

Today marks 13 days clean since relapsing on my 40 day streak. I would’ve wrote this on my Journey thread, but I feel like it deserves a whole seperate post because of how crucially important it is for me to remember this. I’ve already written this down on paper, but I want it also on here.

Since relapsing I’ve been the most suicidal I’ve ever been in my life. The most lonely/anti-social I’ve ever been, and anxiety/depression hit me hard again. Also I’ve had terrible insomnia. Idk if I’ll attest all of it to relapsing because I just don’t know if my eyes have opened clearly after relapsing, but it seems to me like it was because of pmo. Before relapsing I was full of joy and hope. After relapsing I’ve felt the most hopeless I’ve ever felt in my life. I swear to you I’ve never really been serious about committing *******, but it was so hard that I actually seriously considered it the past couple of days. Take it from me, going down this hole of pmo to the point where it sucks up all your hope is the last thing you want to do. I’m never doing this again. I’m actually terrified to do it again to the point where I know I never will. I know 1 more time like this and it’s more then likely something will happen to me. Never again, it’s not worth it. It’s never worth it. Thankfully I’m getting slightly better, but still; I never want to forget this. I never want to be back here and I don’t wish this on anybody. This was hell.

If somebodies reading this and going through a hard time whether it be you’ve just relapsed or you’re thinking about relapsing I just want to let you know it’ll get better. Things may seem low now, but things will get better so long as you commit yourself. If you relapsed, okay. Learn from it. What caused you to relapse? Next time fix the cause. And if you’re thinking about doing it, don’t. Your life isn’t worth the false pleasure you get from this horrible addiction. If you’re brains changed enough it’ll literally suck up your hope, goals, motivation etc. It’s not worth it. Take care of yourself & take care of others around you. God bless.

“If I can take back every relapse I’ve ever done, i would. It’s never worth it.”

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This also remembers me of a wise friends metaphor. It relates to why mistakes affect some people more than others. The majority of people faps daily and they don’t experience this, do you ask yourself why?
It has to do with how close we are to God and truth. If someone who doesn’t know makes a mistake, he is easily excused by God. Just like with the innocence of a child. They don’t know better so their mistakes won’t have much consequences, just a learning experience.
But you, you knew exactly what you are doing. You knew exactly what it does to your soul. You knew exactly which forces you are giving in. And this is why you have to take the full extent of consequences by yourself. The closer we come to God, the more responsibility we attain on our actions. So bear this in mind.
Vice versa, if we prove ourself to be reliable and trustworthy, with time and succeeded tests, he reveals more and more aspects of reality to us. This is a major detail of the path. Prove yourself.
Peace

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