Start your day intentionally. Whether it’s by taking a cold shower or knowing exactly what to do once you put your foot off the bed. Use your time wisely, you’ll never get it back.
We must trust the process. We all have phases where abstaining is easier but likewise there are phases where abstaining is difficult. It’s important to know that both phases are part of the process and just like it got more difficult from one day to another, it will also get easier. So: Trust the process and commit to being free.
I’m sure you’ve heard of “focus on building the new instead of fighting the old”. It really boils down to this, eventually. If you are trying to abstain by just fighting the urges, you’ll find yourself in a situation where you are on “idle” mode, maybe sitting in front of the computer, not really doing anything productive. In the end the urge is too strong and you relapse. I’ve been there a couple of times. So instead focus on doing healthy habits, have fun with other people, be social, build connections and move on. Going back to porn to seek “comfort” shouldn’t be an option anymore. Choose freedom.
Under the influence of porn behaviors, guilt, shame and isolation, our minds are crippled. I’ve experienced that once I’ve build a decent streak, my mind becomes more creative. I have more ideas. I remember my dreams when waking up more often. Without abstaining, I have less of that if not even nothing at all. So do yourself a favor and free your mind by making the right decisions today.
What you feed grows and what you starve dies. This is so relevant in NoFap. If you feed the urges, further engage in those thoughts, make the mental edging intensify, then you are feeding your addiction. At one point it’s too much. If you let those thoughts starve, they become weaker and die eventually.
For many of us, guilt and shame play a role in the cycle of porn use and relapsing: Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done. Shame is thinking that at your core, you are a bad person.
Maybe you think that you are not good enough to make it. Maybe you think of yourself as less than others. Those thoughts build shame, you seek to cope with that and use porn. Guilt comes in, then there’s more shame and more porn use.
Shame grows in isolation. Find people to connect with to break that cycle!
Do you remember the movie “127 hours”? When your life is on the line, you might go as far as drinking your own piss and cutting off your own arm.
Remember what’s on the line here: your dignity, your integrity, your relationships and your health. Those things are important. I’m not saying you should cut off your penis so you never relapse again but I’m saying that your reason should be strong enough to keep you off those websites and compulsive behaviors.
I hope you make it to day 90, we are all rooting for you
When obsessive thoughts about porn behavior try to populate my mind I try to gain distance from those thoughts. I think about my goal and about what this shit has already cost me. I also think that there’s no way I can go back, as I want to have a decent and solid streak at some point in my life. So whenever you feel those stupid thoughts come up (e.g. “just one video” or “just one fap”), think of your goal. If you are at day 10 now, think of how you want to reach 100 and if you are at 110, think of how you want to reach 500. There’s only going forward.
Taken from recoveredman’s episode 119
It’s still day 46 but I thought I’d share this piece of information as I relate to it.
Chances are, you can relate to this situation too: you start a week off strong. You are connecting with people, feel motivated, stick to your plan, no edging and you feel like you’ve got it. But then somehow, at the end of the week, you find yourself in front of the computer relapsing once again. Usually we’d look at what happened on Friday and think “next time I’ll do this or that differently, this won’t happen again.”.
However, you’ve got to look at the days in between! Those are the days you must examine. What do you do and NOT do on a normal day? What happens on those days, that’s your recovery baseline, that’s your recovery set point. Whenever you feel like things are going well and you are going strong in recovery, strengthen your commitment and DO MORE! Don’t wait until you’ve got to do something to prevent a relapse! That way, when you are experiencing a “fall”, it won’t get you to the point of a relapse. You will have that extra buffer. So for short: when you are doing well in recovery, invest more and go harder!
Investing more can be helping others, connecting more often with your AP, doing more healthy habits and so on. So use that momentum and the next “down” will be much weaker!
How you treat yourself and others has a strong impact on yourself and thus on the decision whether you turn to porn again or not. There are a couple of indicators:
Respect needs and values of others. Accept a no and act accordingly. Be honest with yourself and your boundaries also.
Engage and be vulnerable. Express your thoughts and emotions. Create a safe environment. You might need to heal yourself.
Make intimacy possible. Give feedback based on actions instead of character. Accept differences in character. Don’t shame others. Think of others as your equals.
Use forgiveness. Let go of painful experiences and focus on the present. Don’t hold grudges because of things that happened in the past.
Focus on your own path. Build yourself. Follow your own healthy habits too. Don’t be overly dependent of others.
Think of your own anxiety, jealousy, insecurities and other negative emotions. Make decisions for yourself. Focus on your own path. You can’t control others, as they don’t play by your rules. You can only control yourself.
Try to communicate clearly. Say yes to what is coherent with yourself. Don’t be passive aggressive and speak up instead.
These have been my cleanest 50 days ever. Building habits each day. Remember: Build the new instead of fighting the old.
The outcome of your actions reveals your true intentions.
When you start seeing not only watching porn as problematic but also edging behavior, you’ll again a lot of awareness and realize how early things can start to go wrong.
Edging can be any pattern that mimics porn behaviors. So it can be doing “research”, go into “click bait”, watch some sexy videos or surf with the intention to find something.
I’ll give you an example:
So recently I noticed a new pattern in my behavior. I would read news more often. I didn’t quite understand it at first but it dawned to me that the underlying reason was me hoping to see maybe some news about an “instagram star” or “celebrity”, whatever could be somewhat “interesting”. At its core, this behavior is basically my brain having the hope to see something, get me closer to porn. This is edging behavior.
In the past…
I would get to maybe a good 130 days streak and slowly engage more in that type of things. I had other means back then. Maybe I’d watch some video on youtube, or do some “research” about a model or something. The urges started to get stronger. Maybe more mistakes pile up, boom, relapse at 150 days.
So, what to do?
I highly recommend taking a couple of minutes at one specific day each week and think about edging behavior patterns you might have. Try to eliminate those. Maybe it’s the best to say goodbye to youtube, if that’s a weak link in your journey. Maybe don’t read the news anymore or only allow yourself news from one source that is safe. By doing this regularly, you’ll get free of obstacles in your recovery and you’ll also get better at anticipating your edging behavior patterns. And the less you have of those, the easier it is to abstain from porn.
I recognize this behaviour so much! I failed because of this even more than from urges. It’s key to recognize the pattern and break free of the cycle.
Thank you for sharing brother!
Next time you see a women at the train station, at the store or on your way to work and your eyes wander to her breasts or her ass, follow these rules to break the habit of objectifying:
1) Don’t look for longer than two seconds.
Or less if you can, of course.
2) Don’t look twice.
You won’t get anything out of looking again.
3) Use the trigger to personify and see what you are not seeing.
Remind yourself that the person you are looking at is someone’s daughter or someone’s mother.
Taken from https://recoveredman.com/17
If you really want to quit, then do this like your life depends on it - because it does.
If you’re having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn’t you, the problem is your system.
How do you improve your system? Set up a recovery plan, connect with your accountability partner and work on healthy habits!
When abstaining, sexual lust and a drive to procreate will build up within you. Remember that when masturbating to porn, you’ve been tricking your brain to think that you’ve had sex with all these different women. From a biological perspective, you’d be doing a good job. Your brain will crave more of that.
So take that energy and put it into healthy habits: go out with people, play music, workout and meditate. Master yourself and use that energy for something useful!
In this very moment, I’m thinking of how great I’m feeling at only 64 days and also how much better I could be feeling if porn wasn’t a part of my life to begin with. In my journey, I’ve experienced times where I missed or craved porn really badly… what a joke, really.
It’s a joke because porn is a product made out of perversity in an industry run by perverts like Hugh Hefner. For whatever reason, people like him are called “stars” and grieved upon their deaths when in reality they are victims of their own uncontrollable perversity. Instead of looking for a healthy way to fix their broken lives, they use their power and position to push men and women so those people give up their dignity, risk their health and ruin their own mental state just to have a bunch of consumers watch porn, jerk off and ruin their lives also. It’s obvious why many “porn stars” commit suicide once the drugs can’t numb the emptiness anymore.
Those people aren’t “stars” either, it’s all fucking abuse. Don’t ever think that anyone could possibly do that kind of stuff willingly. Yes, maybe they have given their “consent”, signed contracts and stuff but look at their environment. Maybe they needed the money badly, maybe they want to find affirmation from other people, because deep inside, they feel the emptiness and brokenness of shitty relationships with others - and those fuckers running the industry make use of that. They abuse them, just to make money by putting those videos out there. Fuck the porn industry, really.
All of us here are breaking that cycle, one day at a time. Your actions count. Every minute you don’t spend watching that trash, is a minute better spent for yourself, towards more compassion and emotional freedom.