Some thoughts of this past week
I relapsed on Sunday night - I can’t remember what led to that, my actions, thoughts & feelings.
I could dig them up, but will start elsewhere.
Today has been a good day, I’ve been diligently working into the evening.
And been playing my new guitar, my first acoustic, bought with some early birthday dosh.
I relapsed lastnight but decided to shrug it off
Sunday night relapse - I also didn’t get all worked up and down after, And I just shrugged it off
The week has been fairly good,
I concentrated on being generous with my energy - thoughts, words and actions, regular Mass, Tai Chi, choir and few things. I was active and confident.
I got some money to spend on myself this week,
It wasn’t a motivator like it can be,
I was tempted to pay to have…
I didn’t, but instead bought the guitar and a couple of small things.
I cleaned out my laptop again of any hidden images. I’m going away soon without Internet, so I don’t want to have the temptation to seek images.
I don’t work on my laptop much, unless when I’m away
I saw a few pics, let my thoughts play, surfed and so on…
And did the same but went all the way, without saying “NO!” /or “no” with peace.
*I did smoke a little bit of weed for the first time in ages But it’s not the reason for falling.
I could have stopped, but carried on,
because I thought/felt…
“Oh, I’ve looked a few times already”…
“my body probably needs that release now”…
The latter could be true.
But I shouldn’t need to,
or put myself in that danger.
P and M are always a sin regardless
Good things happen in being charitable
Good are; wisdom, humility and grace
When I look at porn I’m not being charitable.
When I look at porn I’m hiding, desiring and choosing/judging people
What else led to it?
Because I got a bit too confident? Relaxed?
That’s what I initially thought.
I was bit too sure of myself
Besides the obvious - don’t think, don’t look, don’t touch, don’t fap, and all truths.
I should be more cautious about my laptop and phone.
I’ve got one piece of scripture and it works for me - actually two.
*Matthew 5 27-30
*Seek first the kingdom of God…
The second gives strength, even for non religious people that see/seek the benefits of NoFap or Rewire.
I feel - the lightened up attitude is good, and breaking free of unhealthy mental associations.
I think - the adversary, the devil is not just in pmo, but also in the self loathing we do to ourselves.
I also think, like “when you fast, you should…”
The same should be for after a fall.
I did - fall, but I didn’t - succumb to wretched feelings.
I had - some moments of an idle mind, using boredom as an excuse and a label.
There’s always something to do - even sitting and breathing is something. I could make a huge list.
So I wasn’t cautious with my laptop and phone.
I need to be. They aren’t the reason, but the tools.
And I need - to keep concentrating on using my energy generously and for the good. Amen.
I’m going to confession tomorrow morning.
Sunday, I’m going to be busy.
Monday, I’m going away for 2 weeks.