Aoshigreen's - Diary (M 35)


#82

Sometimes you just need to check yourself and say “what’s happening right now?”

“just a bunch of thoughts and ideas”

“Anyway, getting back to life, I’ve showered, ironed my shirt, and it’s time to leave, there’s nothing to ever worry about, just many fun things to do big or small”


#83

Me too. Should’ve lifted weights instead of pointlessly looking at that insane content again. Day 7 wasted for almost nothing because of 2 relapses.


#84

Some introspection into my behaviour.

52 Days I’ve been here.

July
Sat 21 pm - Hard relapse
Mon 23 am - YouTube relapse
Thurs 26 pm - Hard edge

August
Thurs 2 pm - edge
Fri 3 am - relapse
Fri 3 pm - edge relapse

Fri 10 pm - relapse
Sat 11 am - relapse

Sat 18 - provoked wet dream

Wed 29 - novelty relapse

10 eros related resets in 52 days

Before I joined I’d only pmo once a week (rarely twice) and have weekly confession - sometimes just for viewing.

But The AWESOME thing about being here is;
I can see myself in others and feel more open in this journey, not struggling alone.
People’s different actions and beliefs force me to check myself and get out of that rut of trying not to let the side down.
Even though that can that very helpful - for me, it’s prevented me from being truly open and honest with those around me.

Other awesome things about being here;
I get support and sometimes an arse kicking,
I occasionally comment (though that’s slowly diminishing) write this journal, use messaging and have a place exercise my thoughts.

It’s been the first time I’ve not needed to go for confession - only becoming a Christian and a Catholic one in recent years, pulling the plank for much much longer.

I’ve been able to talk about porn, sex and NoFap openly, in a confident, non judgmental way with the people around me, and maybe made some positive impact.
So, Thank You Rewire Companions!


#85

Past few days have been crappy.
Falling into mental traps of reasoning, personal, social etcetera
Lamely using philosophy, or barely even trying, falling into urges to look and stop me looking at novel images.

Words and ideas really don’t suffice at the moment. My head is NOT clear.

All I can do is just STOP and bear any weight that comes my way.

I’m just gonna grim and bear it.

Ciao for now x


#86

Hey brother. I feel your pain at the moment, I’m finding it tough at the moment, been looking at girls for prolonged moments, before I would look away the second I caught a glimpse of a girls shape. Today I caught myself looking for longer than I should have a a girls WhatsApp pic. It’s annoying… I hate the way my mind seems to be slowly losing its determination… arrrrrr I’m on 33 days… I don’t want to relapse.


#87

Thanks bro.

I keep struggling to not look at the same thing I relapsed over, but now glad to say I received some information - as if it were from of On-High :laughing:

I’m always saying “porn is filmed prostitution” but started to doubt it, but came across a fact that some sites use crypto currency - how ever that works.

There’ll probably be some exceptions and actress’/producers and the like, saying, “we just do it for enjoyment” but the phrase does hold very true still, it is prostitution.
Money exchange for sex.

(It being prostitution, I’d rather pay for the real thing as I have done a few times in the past, but it’s not something I consider - I’ll save that little explanation for another time)

I’m not much of a technically minded person, as it’s not my field or have investigated it, but it may also hold true that viewing porn, contributes to its up keep and facilitates the stuff we’d rather ignore - like trafficking and exploitation.

Porn is legal and ‘regulated’ but the dark stuff still happens, so I’m just not taking part in it, not now, not never. We could probably take it a step further than that, having a pop/or boycotting models on YouTube for glamorising fap culture.

Anyway, So I’ve gained some nails to stick in porn’s coffin without much effort and feel quite glad of that awareness, even if it’s slightly shallow.

I’ll use a bit of gaffa tape over it’s mouth if it helps along the way #NoEffort😆
It’s as if God really does provide whether we’re aware or not.

I’m glad to see you’re an Archduke now mate!
Keep up the good work!
When it gets tough it means all the crap is getting squeezed out of you, like toothpaste out of the tube!
Those neural pathways are decreasing more and more!
You’ll be an Emperor in no time!


#88

1am Tuesday 4th September

Since my last relapse I’ve been back and forth with the same images, morally fighting it.

I have however, now got into a very good moral mindset about porn, which I’m extremely grateful for.

I have just relapsed, but actually feel very good and very relieved, as the past few days of NoFap with no thought of Rewiring have left me mentally exhausted.

The best I can do is be honest with myself - and write it in this journal.

Fapping and porn is NEVER ideal,
but neither is guilt, scrupulousity and being miserable.

I’m happy because of where I am, because I know, want and enjoy being on this path of truthfulness and seeking communion with God*

Since my last relapse, I have gone back on some of my words: ‘edging is a relapse’… ‘mental edging is a relapse’… ‘smoking is a relapse’
They were useful at the time, but have become totalitarian, noisy, distorted, lofty ideas.

I’ve smoked a number of times since my previous relapse (which was a roller-coaster of a nose dive) but haven’t been beating myself up about my failings.
Quitting is ideal, but if I am gonna quit smoking it HAS to be the whole shabang, which includes vaping.

I’ve listed in one of the entries above about the positive things about being here, but here’s some of the negatives for me;
I sometimes get a deeper sense of guilt, worrying what others will say or think.
Other’s advise isn’t always helpful.
And I waste too much time on words just so others can see I’m being honest, see my journey, see where I am and find some use in any of it, if there is.

Contrary to what I said before in that entry,
There is a sense NoFap fraternity, and not letting the side down or poo-pooing the path -
But we are already siblings/God’s orphans regardless of NoFap.

Also NoFap is just the otherside of the coin to Fap, and there is a trap of spending energy and time on NoFapping when you could be rewiring by doing productive activities that naturally occur - the effortless tasks that could be rejoiced in.

I still stand by the phrase ‘Rewire’
Because Mental welfare is always paramount!

Like I said in the previous entry,
I’ve gained a lot from being here, but my streaks are actually smaller than before I joined.
But this in mind, I hope this new awareness will do some justice instead of trying to create any lofty ideas.

The beauty of The Sacrament Of Confession
It’s not a place to be told off by the priest,
Nor a place of guilt, hysteria, magic or therapy.
but simply a place to honestly witness to God in the presence of an ordained person whose job it is to lead others to Holiness.

Anyway, rant over. Night x


#89

Very insightful reflection! I can relate to your thoughts since I see some of them also relevant and helpful in my circumstances. Good luck mate!


#90

Thanks my friend, and forgive me,

It’s gone 4:30pm and yet another relapse to the same material.
I’m not so jolly like I was last night - not at all.

it’s a fine line between lightening-up & beating yourself up.

I was passive and not on guard.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Today, I’ve done my washing, only eaten apples,
opened this app a lot, checked WhatsApp, smoked, done a small amount of work,
And worst of all, cleaned my laptop without any disciplined thoughts, thinking
“oh chill out, you’re alright, lighten up man, a bit of porn, so what? meh?” BS!

Confession has always been my real reset button
so I will go to the polish church tonight, as that’s the only place I can get it, and I can’t wait until Friday.

I’m gonna shower, do some work, and spend the evening there and have time in silent prayer.

I love you guys,
I don’t know what to say, except I must stand up and take responsibility NOW!

This is NOT the way to live - pmo!
It is absolute BS. My ideas have been BS.
I’m sorry if I’ve acted as though I’ve got it sorted, because I haven’t - my actions are poor.
I am here to stop pmo,
Rewiring will just have to happen naturally.

I’m fine and very pissed off with myself for so many reasons…

I’m not coming back to this app for at least a week. I’m wishing you all well x


#91

Fri 7th September.

I said “I wouldn’t come back for at least a week” but I don’t have to keep to ideas - what I think is best, is limiting my Internet usage, and persisting in my daily journal without concern, forgiving, free of grudges, especially against myself.

I’m back to my journal - I had a pmo relapse last night, but I’m not getting negative or relaxed about it - just honest.

So I went to confession and Mass this morning.
(the Polish Church wasn’t open that Tuesday evening, after all)

PMO is always a sin, and I’ve experienced it’s effects very strongly this week.
It’s felt extremely long and disordered.
From looking at porn, the curiosity to look, the battle to stop it, And smoking - My memory, relationships and productivity have all suffered.

I am glad to say, I can’t remember when I last smoked any cannabis, and I’ve just thrown all the tobacco I bought down the :toilet:

I love and will get back to - slow walking/talking breathing/thinking, Tai Chi, regular Mass, singing, outside musical activities, confession, meditation, prayer and reflection which keep my mind committed and in order, for myself and others.

I don’t need totalitarian ideas,
but actions based on Love.
Being a contentious person is something I truly Love.
Deep down, People are awesome.x


#92

Indeed people are awesome. In a world filled with Marxist ideologies, I’m glad to hear someone say people are awesome. Stay strong my friend, your courage to continue fighting, and you’re humility to return and continue blogging, which is a service to the people on this app, is a source of strength to me.


#93

Thanks my friend! Deep down people are :smile::pray:


#94

Sunday 9th 23:00 - reset
I fall and get back up, so this isn’t a downward spiral, or an existential crisis.

I do have good friends/job/home/church.
I live humbly with no need for a TV/car or wasting food.
I am generally kind and generous with possessions/time.
But I’m not a saint, I know this is true.

Most of my energy (thoughts, time) recently have been centered on myself, either about self improvement, things I want (in/for relationships and work) and my own personal comfort.

I can be more generous, I can give more time and space for others - what they want (in their thoughts, shared conversation)

I have been more generous today, by more than the routinely given like; conversation and choir singing, but in giving time to others, on three separate occasions to be precise.

Among many reasons pmo is not ideal is,
It fosters disordered self centeredness, when I could be fostering something virtuous, or start attending to something new and wonderful.

I can build on virtue, have an imagination for others, and start doing new things.

I can do more social generous acts like; conversation, watching films and cooking for others etcetera, and I can start spending my alone time on good things like reading, praying & meditating at home, trying new exercises, writing/learning more music and creating a list of fun things I can do to spend time with other people.


#95

Sept '18

Tues 4th - 1am
Tues 4th - 4:30pm
Friday 7th - 1am


Friday 7th - Confession


Sunday 9th - 11pm

Trigger : boredom, lack of will/discipline.


I will confess on Friday, And;
I will not add another pmo, confessing only one.
It will be day 5.


Now I’m going to focus on being generous with my energy.
And I will post again later to update some thoughts


#96

Yesterday I wanted to write about the dream I had that night. The attitude I had after my reset has convinced me of the dark principalities working at keeping us down. The dream was very similar to the cross dimensional dream I’d experienced 14 days ago.


The recent dream, a friend who’d recently died, was present, not brought back to life, but created by man or some unknown organisation.

There was a sense he had been re-created, but was only a vessel for his consciousness to re-enter if he chose to (where ever he might be)

With a friend who was alive and normal - I was glad to see and gave him a hug, Another friend - who in the dream had apparently died - was with us. Not to her liking, I remember jokingly nudging her, laughing whether it was really her or not

‘Friends’ and I were holding a party in a hired venue (which is something we do).

I vividly remember leeping over things (like you do in flying dreams) and returning, going in through the back entrance (like a scruffy looking loading bay) to join everyone.

I was reading a flyer about the program in which my deceased friend(s) had been re-created, noticing it was only a 4 year life span they might have.

I’d walked too far and missed the turning back to where the party was being held, and walked into a room full of nurses and children - which I presumed was actually re-created children.

A nurse was quickly alarmed by my presence,
I apologised for the mistake and hurried out, confused and lost, stepping into a huge modern open air complex, where there were buildings and many people walking to places in this modern city like place.

I wondered if they were all also once the deceased like my friend(s), or parents of some of the re-created children.
A guard spotted me and sounded the evacuation alarm because of my presence.

I really wasn’t supposed to be there.

I was escaping from people, leeping over them, again like in a flying dream - extremely light, agile and weightless.

The guard angrily and threatingly approached me, questioning how I got in, ordering me out.
I was explaining to him my innocence, and how I was only looking to get back to the hired room at the back entrance which according to him didn’t exist. I just presumed the place was so big, and he was novice, not knowing about our arrangement.

I started to think this whole organisation was something evil and abhorrently wrong.

And I had stumbled on something secret that did not want me to be aware of it, just like my past dream.


I very suddenly awoke from the dream as the guard was ordering me out, and was left with a very strange sense of controlling forces / spiritual principalities / a secret governing force at work, that surely didn’t want me to be aware of it.
The whole thing was extremely vivid and quite scary, and still scary during my awaking.


In hindsight, the whole thing was quite exciting, but I’m left with the feeling that we NoPMO’s are at war with something very serious and very great, but not a war of violence against violence, but positivity/possibilities/faith/hope/Love against all that opposes them, and only wants to keep us locked down.


Today I’m going to keep on this streak of being generous with my energy.

There were a few head bangs yesterday, but Love is the greatest virtue as it can bear all things, never counting or holding onto wrong doings.

So again, I can and will be generous with my time and energy.


I had some interesting dreams again last night, but maybe I’ll save that for later.


#97

For a second I thought I was reading an actual novel, but that must have been really scary to have a dream like that, normally when I have dreams, it’s all about the past and people I miss.


#98

@Sparklymango Same thoughts. A very good story. I think it’s a good material to start something with ah ah haha.

I just hate the feeling when you wake up and the feelings still linger. I do hope you will post it.


#99

The past couple of days, I’ve made the classic mistake And looked a few times, turning away.

I went too far tonight and relapsed.
I’m not fed up with myself but know I will beat this.


#100

Some thoughts of this past week


I relapsed on Sunday night - I can’t remember what led to that, my actions, thoughts & feelings.
I could dig them up, but will start elsewhere.


Today has been a good day, I’ve been diligently working into the evening.
And been playing my new guitar, my first acoustic, bought with some early birthday dosh.

I relapsed lastnight but decided to shrug it off :smile:


Sunday night relapse - I also didn’t get all worked up and down after, And I just shrugged it off

The week has been fairly good,
I concentrated on being generous with my energy - thoughts, words and actions, regular Mass, Tai Chi, choir and few things. I was active and confident.


I got some money to spend on myself this week,
It wasn’t a motivator like it can be,
I was tempted to pay to have…
I didn’t, but instead bought the guitar and a couple of small things.


I cleaned out my laptop again of any hidden images. I’m going away soon without Internet, so I don’t want to have the temptation to seek images.
I don’t work on my laptop much, unless when I’m away

I saw a few pics, let my thoughts play, surfed and so on…
And did the same but went all the way, without saying “NO!” /or “no” with peace.

*I did smoke a little bit of weed for the first time in ages But it’s not the reason for falling.

I could have stopped, but carried on,
because I thought/felt…
“Oh, I’ve looked a few times already”…
“my body probably needs that release now”…

The latter could be true.
But I shouldn’t need to,
or put myself in that danger.

P and M are always a sin regardless

Good things happen in being charitable
Good are; wisdom, humility and grace

When I look at porn I’m not being charitable.
When I look at porn I’m hiding, desiring and choosing/judging people


What else led to it?
Because I got a bit too confident? Relaxed?
That’s what I initially thought.
I was bit too sure of myself


Besides the obvious - don’t think, don’t look, don’t touch, don’t fap, and all truths.

I should be more cautious about my laptop and phone.


I’ve got one piece of scripture and it works for me - actually two.
*Matthew 5 27-30
*Seek first the kingdom of God…
The second gives strength, even for non religious people that see/seek the benefits of NoFap or Rewire.


I feel - the lightened up attitude is good, and breaking free of unhealthy mental associations.

I think - the adversary, the devil is not just in pmo, but also in the self loathing we do to ourselves.
I also think, like “when you fast, you should…”
The same should be for after a fall.

I did - fall, but I didn’t - succumb to wretched feelings.

I had - some moments of an idle mind, using boredom as an excuse and a label.
There’s always something to do - even sitting and breathing is something. I could make a huge list.


So I wasn’t cautious with my laptop and phone.
I need to be. They aren’t the reason, but the tools.

And I need - to keep concentrating on using my energy generously and for the good. Amen.

I’m going to confession tomorrow morning.
Sunday, I’m going to be busy.
Monday, I’m going away for 2 weeks.


#101

A quick summary,
I fell down in Caution.
I stood up in Charity.


Today,
I can confess my failings,
I can be charitable,
I can be cautious of things.