Aoshigreen's - Diary (M 35)


#62

At least you’re admitting your shortcomings. Many don’t believe they have any.


#63

I smoked 4 times this weekend and Monday


#64

I had some crazy intense dreams last night.
I had a crazy intense weekend, some deep feelings, conversations and thoughts.

Last night I was missing someone I’d met and wished I was holding her.
I did that impulsive thing of holding my bedding (not humping) just holding for a very short time.
Part of my dream I was holding and caressing her in a very sexual way, but because she has a strong will, a strong character and discipline, that dream luckily didn’t go anywhere as she wouldn’t allow to - I’m glad.

Another part of my dream, I was being touched by someone I love (which was completely immoral) I was like “what the f***! what are you doing?”

I’m grateful I’ve been practicing cutting things down at the core, that dream could’ve gone somewhere I’d would’ve needed to call a relapse.

Guys, seriously, cut stuff at it’s core, throw it in the fire. Don’t let the succubus in, she can take on all sorts of forms.

I had some other very bizarre dreams involving 2 dimensions in which a race of beings were monitoring us through…ummm… Our emotions or something like that,… I’m not quite sure.
We could only use some kind of secret code to communicate with each other to avoid being detected by them - it’s all a bit weird and confusing.
Most people (in the form of robots) didn’t, or couldn’t deal with it, but just accepted that fate.

There was much more to my dreams than that, and things I can’t fully remember.

There was a part where something wouldn’t allow me to sing a religious chant, and kept choking me from singing the words.
I had to go slowly, with strength to cut through that thing stopping me.

“Lauda Jerusalem Dominum, lauda Deum tuum Sion, hosanna, Hosanna, HOSANNA Filo David!”


#65

The addiction can rob us our capabilities to feel empathy because it’s greedy addiction to satisfy our greedy needs, when you have practiced this type of greedyness for many years like I have then it’s no surprise that our empathy is destroyed, looking back when I was in pmo I was like a walking demon sometimes just did not give a f and not in a good either I was very self centered sometimes but I couldn’t work on it because either I hadn’t realised it’s the insane chronic pmo that was doing this to me or I hadn’t admitted it yet one thing I know for sure that it had done some numbers on me, but that the most high that I discovered this movement, this addiction made me hurt a girl I loved emotionally man


#66

I’m having the weirdest dreams recently.

Last night I dreamt about, and sometimes was this little American kid called Benny - I think he is like 8 or something, and loved metal bands, especially Slayer.

He didn’t really have any friends except some weird insect, that I couldn’t actually see, but was an old lady that he helped and bought/created for her a jacket, so she didn’t have to go to the sewing club anymore, as one of the members was generally a cruel to others.

I vividly remember a scene when Benny, was in a Costa coffee and tried to avoid this horrible kid who was the son of the owner/manager.
The scene turned into a fight of flying cutlery during working hours, with customers still drinking coffee without alarm suffering some of the consequences.
I got hit in the head with a cup, it hurt and left a lump on my forehead and was determined to get the kid back.

I had some other dreams, including being at my Mum’s old house with the persona of an exgf or 2, who was going somewhere with me.
The conversation became awkward and bitter when I mentioned something. I tried to steer it into something lighthearted and forgiving without any luck.
Anyway, that was weird.

I just remembered, the insect who was an old lady Benny had helped: once he’d given her the jacket she needed, she sang some song of gratitude with different words to the tune of “I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders :joy:

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I don’t know why I’m writing all of this, if it’s useful, meaningful or I’ll come back to read it in the future.

I haven’t pmo for almost 18 days, though it’s only been a few days since I smoked a cigarette/roll up, and 10 days since I provoked a wet dream by having a comforting tug one night when I struggled to sleep.


#67

Worked, meeting, dogs walked, social meeting about upcoming event, argument with friend/colleague about plans/work flow/priorities and apology/change of heart.

Made decisions and had to put external things on hold.
Watched a hammer horror film with friend/colleague.

Chatted more with friends that I had to cancel plans with, assured them I’m fine, gave and got support.
Been thinking about someone wonderful I’d met over the weekend, haven’t made plans to meet as nothing has explicitly been said - as she lives far away, but something is definitely there.

I’m a little annoyed I can’t go to morning Masses this week because of new work.

After chatting with friends, lying in bed, just want to chat with her as I’m yearning.

Alone, typed a word into Google, one image lead to another, looked at sites that give a guaranteed high, enjoyable images, old and many new, curiosity, little spikes in dopamine, started to feel the rush, “no, no, no, what am I doing” closed turned away.

Yes of course I’m going to get high! I don’t need it!
Of course I’ll always enjoy it,
Of course we can argue,
“come on, what’s the harm, it won’t kill me”

NO!!! I’m not going to give up and let my brain go back to old ways.

I made this decision and sticking to it.
I’m not going to fight my natural desire.

That desire is good and I’m saving it for something special.

I’m REWIRING

That succubus is NOT going to get me in my sleep.
“I’m going to slap the door in your face if you try and persuade me”

I’m not going to contribute to that menace.

I’d love to save the world, but I can only save myself and cut evil at it’s core.

I choose to turn away it,
I choose to be awesome,
I choose to save my soul with the help of my foundation.
I choose to have Faith this is the RIGHT decision.
I choose to follow Christ even when it feels hard or when the world says “lightened up”
I choose to be counter cultural.
I’m choosing Christ
There is no one else worthy of giving worthship to
There is no one else I’d bow down to

Succubus, you are nothing but an obstacle from standing in my way to see what is Beautiful and Good!

Succubus, you Always lead me into darkness, you Always make me love the dark over the light - lies, hidden in the dark, false happiness, yearning, gnashing of teeth and selfish hunger.

I AM CHOOSING TO LIVE IN THE LIGHT!
I AM CHOOSING CHRIST AT ALL TIMES!
Christ alone, is King Of Kings!

I will sing Psalms to the Lord.

I will delight in him who Truly sets me free.

The Lord is my shepherd,
There is nothing I shall want!

He is my rock, my stronghold and my saving help.
I will anoint myself, not letting my face be abashed!
And I will curse you Succubus, spit in your face, and throw you to the fire.

My Passion, My Emotion is for something great than to be abused and kept in the dark like a slave.
My Passion, My Emotion is to be used for Good things, brought into the Light and to be set free, like water bursting through a dam.

It is not for you, but for myself and humanity, giving Glory to what is Good


#68

Went to sleep around 1:30am.

Dog barking, annoyed at him, woke 3 times.

4:30am lusted,
Back to that same images, without will not to.
Let go and pmo’d.
Lost what was 19 day streak.

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Lord forgive me, I am a sinner.
My words, my ideas, my affirmations won’t save me. I feel I’ve taken your name in vain.
I don’t know what to say, I just know I need
Your Grace, Your Help, Your Mercy to sustain me, to help me grow and keep me free from sin.

Please give me, And all those who seek you,
Your saving help.

The last few weeks have been amazing

So much good has come my way,
I’m sorry for not persisting when it got a tough.
Make me stronger and wiser to face any challenges ahead.


#69

I woke today at 7:30, fell back asleep, had bizarre dreams, became aware it was just a dream and woke again at 8:30.

Last night (the early hours) I was fretting, being scrupulous (please search the word as it may help you to recognise it and why it’s bad)
Worrying, feel I lost what was good, wanting redemption and forgiveness, struggling to feel something.

Today, all I can do, and what I should do, is dust myself down, not letting myself feel pity or sad.

I should be glad I’m here and have made the decision to quit. I had quit. I did make that choice.
Of course I can’t sanctify or anoint myself, that is for God alone.
But I can ask for forgiveness and prayers, from on high, from The Saints and you my brothers and sisters. Please pray for me, I am a sinner.

I’m not going to be caught in misery.
I’m going to clean myself up, the best I can,
Work hard, be kind to others, smile, and most importantly go to confession tomorrow.

Purposefully looking at sexy images is straying from the path of goodness.

I’m not going to look or masturbate, nor orgasm.

I’m not a wanker nor a smoker.

I’m going to start work on stop vaping - I know it’s a choice, but first I must meditate, prayer and ask for help to create a firm foundation to quit that too.
I know what the words could sound like, but I HAVE to mean it for it to be real, and not just an idea.

Again I ask please pray for me, I am a sinner and can’t anoint myself, only bless myself along the way and keep evil away


#70

Don’t be too hard on yourself man. 19 days is a pretty good streak.

Also I think you don’t need any prayers. You are strong enough all by yourself :+1:


#71

Thanks, 19 days is nice, but never enough.
Your support is a prayer. Thank you for that most of all.

Any support is prayer, whether it takes on forms of kindness or arse kicking :pray:


#72

Hey @Aoshigreen long time! 19 days is a good streak, I haven’t even reach that long. Anyway, I think that you’re improving! I know how you feel given the scruples which I also experience sometimes. I’m sure that your next streak will be longer than 19 days. Good luck! :slight_smile:


#73

Just keeping fighting!

I agree 19 days streak is high.
Just go back to basic, re-evaluate everything and keep reminding yourself about your goals. (You could also try this, :Recite your goals everyday when waking up and before going to sleep, our crazy brain needs training to always remember our goals they seems to forget our goals when tough time or lazy time arrives)

What really matter is you still keep standing up and keep fighting.


#74

Fighting today.

After a relapse it’s easy to have a dull mind.
an idle mind is the devil’s playground

Not today!


#75

Have clarity in your mind about porn. Learn from your experience. Falling again and again is not okay.


#76

Thank you my friend, so true. You’ve prompted me :pray:


#77

“what a difference a day makes”

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Thought I was in the wrong church today, because the priest was rushin :sweat_smile:

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#78

It’s easy to look without imagination past the individual experience.
I even did it to myself after cringing over my journal, forgetting where I was on my journey, all the unsaid things and happenings.

You know what, I am alright and can already die happy if it came to it.

Your journey is always unfolding.
Nobody has the answers to your life except you.


#79

Some insightful explanations at the end.
Matthew 25:14-30 (ESV)

The Parable of the Talents:

For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property.

To one he gave five talents, to another two,
to another one, to each according to his ability

Then he went away.

He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them and he made five talents more.

So also he who had the two talents made two talents more.

But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money.

Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them.

And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying;
‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more’

His master said to him,
‘Well done, good and faithful servant.
You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master’

And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying;
‘Master, you delivered to me two talents;
here, I have made two talents more’

His master said to him,
‘Well done, good and faithful servant.
You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master’

He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying;
‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, So I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours’

But his master answered him,
‘You wicked and slothful servant!
You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed?
Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest.
So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents.

For to everyone who has will more be given,
and he will have an abundance.

But from the one who has not,
even what he has will be taken away.
And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’

__________________________________________________

This parable unsettled me today and couldn’t fully grasp what is meant by it, but I found a very insightful explanation.

Bishop Barron says that the talents in this parable are “a share in the mercy of God,
a participation in the weightiness of the divine love”, rather than personal abilities or wealth.
He utilizes the interpretation of Old Testament professor Robert Schoenstene, who argues that a talent in ancient Jewish times was very weighty thus five talents was extremely heavy.
Such heaviness would remind to the heaviest weight of all, the kabod (lit. heaviness) of God in the Temple of Jerusalem, accordingly the most heavy of all is the mercy of God.

Similarly, a reflection in the Carmelites website defines the talents as “love, service, sharing”, the “money of the master”

In other words, Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis says,
"Our greatest talent and treasure is our ability to love, and in this enterprise the champion is the greatest risk taker, which means the one most willing to invest himself where the odds appear most against him.

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Be daring, Take some risks, Trust in your abilities,
Don’t sit back - Get Up. Don’t Fear - Conquer.
Don’t say I can’t - But say Yes I can,
Don’t say I’m a loser - But I am a winner.
Don’t give up - But persist!
You are the vessel, You are science experiment!
You are made in the likeness of God,
Have Faith in Yourself and receive!


#80

I don’t need porn in my life.
I look for dopamine elsewhere.
I make new neural connections.
And Good things have come my way.

I make new friends, am good company, friendlier,
more confident, attractive, intelligent, kind,
funny, clear, honest, selfless, helpful, and can Love more dearly and sincerely.

I can deal with situations effectively,
I find answers, I’m Zen and at peace!

All these things and more,
Will keep growing and growing.


#81

This journal is a place for me to write my crap out, the good, the bad, the deluded and hopefully sometimes enlightened

After last night’s exhausting dream - stuff is better being simple.