Aoshigreen's - Diary (M 35)


#1

Sharing code - 098993a

Current streak - 0 days
Highest streak - 5 days
Age - 35
Gender - M
Location - UK

I’ve just relapsed and feel crap.
I’ve been trying to quit porn for a while now, and just joined this app.

Recently I keep failing into urges since having my laptop back in my room, and have been really idealogical in my thoughts about how to quit PMO.

I just keep damn edging and having moral fights with myself.

I’m slowly feeling relieved because I’ve had a release and am not edging or failing prey to erotic thoughts,… but it’s shit,… I’ve got so many thoughts and ideas.
I just need to make sure I don’t fall, instead of thinking about.

What do you think?


#2

Hi @Aoshigreen,
Know that you reached 5(!) days, which many are not able to reach (for me for a long time not reachable), and don’t consider it like you failed and restarted, but consider it as simply a pothole in your road to success. You didn’t stop, you just slowed down, and you’re not looking in the back mirror at it, but keeping your eyes ahead on your road.

Keeping my bedroom electronics-free and reading from a book until I fall asleep has done wonders for my bedtime/wakeup urges.
Also, all of us relapse when we are alone, so try to keep your day occupied and be around people as much as possible. Solitude is your enemy. Spend your time in public spaces!

Last time I relapses, I was on my highest streak since some time (8 days) when I gave into the urge that I had for 2 days, and then binged 4x in one day (I’m still trying to find a good way to stop myself from binging)
Currently, I am.at day 6, and since yesterday, the urge is building up and seems to be there always lingering in the back of my mind.

This time, I signed up for the 4/7/10 etc challenge, the step-by-step 10 day challenge, and the communal 1000 day challenge.
This is helping me a little.

Don’t feel bad about relapsing. You are an addict, and breaking an addiction habit is not easy. Just learn from this time, and identify when that itch first started showing, how you feel it, and in what situation you finally gave in to scratching.
You know edging is counter-productive, so what led you to give in? What can you do to avoid?

This reply turned out quite longer than I expected. I hope this helps! :blush:


#3

Thank you for your support @babadu


#4

I know how it feels bro, been there for countless times. What’s important is that you keep on getting up and making the conscious effort to live a porn-free life.

Added you, add me too: 694139f


#5

“Be still my soul, The Lord is at your side”

Saturday night -
At the end of last week I feel into PMO and it was a hard binge, felt ashamed and awful.
(I have my laptop back in my room now)

Monday morning -
At the start of the week I pMO’d,
(p* Youtube/quickly -
Woke up mega early but was lazy!)

Pulled myself together and decided I’d go to Mass in the evening, and had a great day.

Thursday evening -
I just looked at P hard, but turned it off!
I was slothful and feel into the trap of;
“oh I’m gonna lie down for a bit” with a trigger I’d had in my mind today.

I sparked curiosity in the morning, read 2 posts, a triggering thought, and one with a site that I ended up looking at.


#6

@Aoshigreen, laptop in room is for me also a big no-no. I just relapsed, and it was a big trigger.


#7

Sorry to hear that.
You’re right it’s a big temptation,
I start edging again. Even though I didn’t feel guilty or emotional, I knew I was starting to open up those pathways again, so I said “no”… And going to bed, getting up early!


#8

As of today, for me;
Edging (purposefully looking)
is relapsing.

End of story!


#9

I agree! It’s such a slippery slope.
“I’ll just look at some sexy pictures but not porn”
“Porn is almost the same anyway, but I won’t touch myself”
“Now I’m really horny so I’ll edge”
“Ups I came”
:laughing:


#10

That’s so true :joy:

What follows from “looking is a relapse”
“oh I’ve started looking now,
so I might as well go all the way” :expressionless:
:joy:


#11

To give some context
I live and work at the same place.

I showered this morning, drank water,
cold sweet milky coffee,
And a few puffs on my vape.
(I like the idea of quitting smoking, but that’s another story)

So I went back to lay on my bed not really wanting to get up.

I started thinking about a particular girl,
holding my bedding, imagining, getting aroused.

My mind wondered,
thinking about past experiences and getting off on that high. I even looked at a post with a trigger warning.

It’s mental edging,
I’m gonna see it as relapse from now on.

I’m here to rewire -
I don’t need mental edging,
I need to forgive myself,
I need to stay humble,
I’m here to rewire!

From now, Mental edging is relapse for me!
End of story!


#12

Feeling very unmotivated and lethargic today,
but I know nothing has actually happened,
just chemicals /or no chemicals moving around inside me.
Some lazy thinking and indecisiveness.

I want to pmo and reset the clock,…
But then what, another week and the same thing again?

I don’t really want to pmo, it’d just be a good release, distraction, and/or excuse to give myself a slap round the face, and tell myself to “pull your self together”


#13

I know that low all too well. Sadly I relapsed on two days last week. So just wrestle through it, and don’t listen to the whisperings of that Little Devil.
Love your attitude! Keep strong! :smile:


#14

I walk up at 6am today.

The rain woke me up - what a beautiful sound it was.
It kept increasing,
more, more! More!! and M O R E !!!
I thought “is my roof going to come down?”

I feel back asleep and woke up to my alarm at 7:30.
Sun shining and feeling, well, not tired or struggling to get up for a change.

I got up, drank water, showered and went on the long walk to a different church (as my usual covers for two parishes)

On the walk I thought about some of my companions, how we influence each other and the struggles we have.

I want my friends to be well, strong, and happy.
Their happiness is extremely important to me because I know what it feels to be in that other place.

Yesterday, and over the weekend, I hadn’t felt great. I had some social awkwardness, I couldn’t relate to people, and just be fun, easy going and good company - I dwelled on it too much and feel, “the more we spend thinking about the negative and imperfections, Our moods, thoughts and feelings harbour that”

So, I feel like, yesterday, the seeds I’d been sowing came out to say “hi”…
It wasn’t a terrible day, but I didn’t feel 100%, just fluctuating between 10% - 60%

(yes it’d be great to have that bright feeling like we do from consciously no pmo,…
And Yeah, it is totally real, I’ve felt it many times, clear eyes, clear thinking, good things always happening, girls making deep eye contact.
Yep, it is amazing!
It does happen,
and Yes, God really does provide!
Thank you.x

Sometimes we don’t always feel perfect,
Those feelings shouldn’t allow ourselves to give up,
just know, we have to let the storm pass,
And the sun will come out, your eyes and the eyes of another will open again.

It’s another day now,…
I’m turning back my mind to the past week and the positive things that helped me get through it,
ie; keeping calm, breathing, observing my thoughts like a samurai ready to slice through any BS!
I came here to rewire! (there’s tones of things, thoughts floating around etc… I don’t need them right now! They can wait! I trust, have faith, they will be sorted when it is needed.

What! WHAT the important thing RIGHT NOW is, is what I am here to do,
Stick to that ONE principle.
And, as another reminding (something I did)
keep adding more positive routines into our life.
The small things count.
Cleaning the kitchen with a smile,
taking the dogs for a walk with eagerness,
go to Tai Chi classes.
Delight in everything you do, and especially in others!

As for “it” -
Ignore “it” completely as “it” has ignored my soul, and forcably pushed my soul aside like something worthless.
“It” slams the door in the face of all that is Holy and Sacred.

“It” doesn’t care about anything at all, only “it’s” own survival!
So, I’m not even going to put any energy into forcing “it” away,
“it” doesn’t deserve my attention for how my dear sweet soul has been treated.
The damaged, poor thing - broken, bruised and in need of care!
Your well being is what matters, and I’m going to do my best to be there for you from now on.

Yesterday,
I wanted that dopamine,
I looked at a few girls in the street -
I’d say 25% Lust rate.
I didn’t slice down any thinking -
though if I did, it was with a plastic sword.

I didn’t set any goals for the day,
I moaned to myself about being socially awkward.
Moaned & agreed with my friend about how some people are products of the media they watch.

What do I actually know, except MY thoughts?

What am I doing that actually has a positive affect in the world?
What am I doing that is positive and NOT about me?

I’d be embarrassed in front of Saint.

Allow people to be themselves,
Allow them to change,
And keep an open mind for them.

Allow ourselves to change,
And allow others to be skeptical,
Your change - it is about YOU.


#15

Last night,
I went to Tai Chi class last night, good stuff!

I stayed up just that little bit too late,
I smoked some hash (I need to address this)

I woke at 5:30, as if it were God’s alarm clock,
I ignored it, didn’t bother getting up,

Started thinking (wishing) about someone,…
Half awake, suddenly I was dreaming about to kiss someone else,…
My mind was a little scattered,
Luckily a prompt stopped me, and my thoughts or dream world.

The thoughts we put into ourselves really do become us -
the things AT THE FRONT OF OUR MINDS! -
Your mind is a garden.
When was the last time you attended to it?

@Luffychwan post this morning is absolutely spot on!
What I took from it and what has been on my mind the past few days; NoFap can easily turn into a new reason to procrastinate!

I enjoy the philosophy!
And the forming of strength.
(while on a streak, it is useful sharpening up)
*I enjoy slowing killing the beast -
And yep, it’s needed.

*I’ve been seeing girls in the street,
learning to be unemotionally impartial,
And slay the beast, but it IS playing with the fire,
And easy to fall into the trap of emotionally identifying.


#16

Now that I’m NoFapping, I have sooooo much free time, and I’m still wasting it.
I’m still living in dream world, dreams about things I could be doing. What a load of bs


#17

The line on “being emotionally impartial” is the essence of stoicism. Its application to NOFap is pertinent but more importantly its broader application to life is doubly important. It’s THE key to being free, the layman’s I don’t give a fuck attitude"(the good kind). Nothing hurt you. Not words, not people’s opinion. Nothing. Its being mindful of your feelings but never validating it. It boils down to essentially one thing: power control. Examples of how it applies to life:

  1. The moment you argue with trolls on the internet, you’ve lost. You’ve implicitly lost the power control game by playin to their motive: instigating a reaction from you. Best course of action is to never reply as we all know.
    2)When someone cuts you off on the road, most people succumb to pure rage. That’s the classic letting your emotions control you.

Among many other reasons most Nofappers fail is because they let the urge control them. They give in. Again, forfeit of power.

Notice how the nuances of Nofap extends to life in general. Harshly put, if you fail at Nofap, chances are, you’re gonna fail at life.

Life is a mindset game. And control/power is its double edged sword. You can use it in your favor. Or you can let the weapon control you.

All those quotes everyone’s so fond of:

1)Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent of how you react to it.

2)If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.

Differing words but one central point. Mindset and by extension control.

Most people are at war with themselves. They let others dictate how they should feel. Random stranger: Dude you’re ugly and you should feel bad about it
Me: Damn, I’m ugly. I’ma feel bad bout it and mope.

I admire people who know their physically displeasing and yet its never factors into how they run their life. Its amazing. Its self acceptance aka mindset.

Win the mindset game and you’re like 99 percent of the way towards life’s ultimate purpose: happiness


#18

So, it’s day 10 of a lot of solid No’s
That’s nothing compared to 20 years of consenting Yes’

My Poor Soul, like an innocent little dog waiting for it’s Master to come home.

I don’t need pmo, I don’t need sex.


#19

3rd August 2018

Day 11 -
Nope it’s Day 0

I edged last night and this morning.
Relapse / Reset!

What I did wrong?

I didn’t dismiss the thought
I could’ve said No

Opened laptop to look for…
I could’ve said No

I knew what I was doing.
I edged because I gave myself consent to.

Sorry guys.


#20

You were so high, but dont worry myfriend, you will be very high again