ANameThatStartsWithK Diary - road out of this misery

Hello reader,

I am 31 years old turning 32 soon and my nationality is Indian.

I have taken the decision of maintain a streak journal here.

Day 0 today 20 Feb 2020

For today I will write my background a bit.

Please advice me if you think I am wrong in my writings and if I make any harmful assumption in the future me.

I am grateful to Nofap forums and I wish to connect on a deeper and legitimate manner with the forums as I am sure that reading here is balancing my life towards a good value.

Day 0 20 Feb 2020

I first found about nofap in October/November/December 2018. At first I just read the information about the low value effect of porn and how being this low value is seriously keeping the viewer(fapper) from achieving anything of value in day to day life and that it is seriously seriously harming the sexuality and the d of the viewer(dapper). I had noticed that my d was weak in manners and that I was ee’ing(early ejaculation) I used to get solid hard and my d’s muscles would really tighten up however just for about a minute to porn and I would ejaculate and I would watch tiny attractive bits of porn videos and watch a lot of them (pictures and videos bits), I have learned that this is a lot of stimulation in regard to explicit sexual content 10/10 babes of all styles in an extremely explicit manner(the content is proven to be hardcore misogynistic) getting f’d in good quality video audio and me on the other end of the screen masturbating feeling the sensations of the viewing that video (probably death grip fap). This all started at the age of 15 years when I first had dial up internet to my avail, through talks with friends I knew that porn existed before that I would masturbate to cosmopolitan magazines that my mother had, they were kept in my parents bedroom. Since I was sharing my bedroom with my older sibling I didnt have a lot of time to watch the porn content at that age all the porn pictures of cute chicks and later to milfs etc. I was in Hostel since age 17-18 so I had no internet there.When I failed my first year at college (government institute of hotel management) because of lack of attendance(I could never have the motivation to attend any class my attendence was barely 15-20%) I came back to my home - my parents house, where I would share my bed room with my older sibling same thing for a year 10-15 mins of a porn searching frenzy everyday for a year. I enrolled in a small private institution to study Bachelors of computer application(I was not able to complete my course because of lack of attendance each semester each year, I just quit). Next year my family moved into a bigger apartment and I had my own bed room. Here I over did the porn fap thing even though I had a girl friend and we would have sex twice a week or at least once a week. I did the porn FAP thing chicks 18,19 year olds babes l, Asians , milfs , office , teacher etc. Content in between for two years 2016-2018 I moved to a popular beach town in my country because I broke up with my gf for good. There because I didnt have enough money to afford broadband internet I didnt have an internet connection I had a USB internet stick for a few months and there I viewed porn again. My there was drastic improvement in my life there. I was able to make a girl friend there twice at different times and had a relationship. After my second gf broke up with me, My current ex gf I got upset and wanted to do opium power that was available there (its smoked) and I was already smoking Indian shit cheap beggers weed. I smoked a lot for 2/3 months however I didnt have an internet connection then. I became broke and unhealthy and had to go back to live with my parents. There I softened my porn genres I would only fap to sexual pictures of Indian girls/women on google search and nothing more however every now and then I would watch porn vids. It is Here when I found about nofap and read a bit of the forum stories and YouTube videos about nofap. I did a 80-90 days no porn however masturbate allowed streak then I relapsed to chat sites and did dirty Skype chats with a american who told me she was working as a nurse. Once this happened I dived into chat sites and watched porn everyday as well for longer duration that before while waiting to be able to find a video chat patten to climax with if I was lucky because I didnt find much only two, I was pitch broke and explored every sex chat and even broadcast my self on cam sites. I have had a 80 days no pmo streak which I accounted here however since I have been relapsing to soft porn and average porn every week and today I have decided to start my daily diary entry here in the forums for 30+men. Today is day 1 and I hope to write everyday from today onwards and pay great and deep regard to Nofap to help myself from pied and to bring back my sexual tastes to normal and above all to have a little social life for my future and to be able to marry my not yet found life partner in the future.

Thank you for reading and I wish you all very well and I am extremly grateful to be here on the forums.

1 Like

Day 1, 21 Feb 2020.

Yesterdays report day 0, 20 Feb 2020 -

Urge meter - 6/10

Relapse - No

Psubs - none

Productivity - while Idling in my room I listend to 2 audiobooks.

Exercise - none however walked 4200 steps.

Day 1 today 21 Feb 2020.

Morning 10:37am

Urge meter - 6/10

Psub - none just woke up though

Relapse - No

Pfantasy - 1 strong fantasy however I shouted in my mind - NOO

Productivity - Just played an audio book on YouTube - High performance habits ‘how extraordinary people become that way’ by Brendon Burchard.

Exercise - none

I am confident about today however after my relapses in the past where I was pumped up the first two days but replased on the third ![:(]

I want to do:

Cold shower

20-40 push ups

20-30 crunches

And take a nice little walk

Will write again in the afternoon and I am scared about psubs and low low value internet surfing

Relapsed BAD

02:15 pm RELAPSED Bad

Out of nowhere I get this message on what saying Hii amd it turns out to be a person I had Skype dirty(subjective) fap before there was the voice that no I have just started my journal however I ignored it all and said Heyy I can do that.

I Skyped with the person and I am such a fool I didn’t get it why would a hotty message me like that all the time (one today and 3 times in Dec 2018) I think a video recording was being played. I got catfished by some creep and I am so frustrated and feel ashamed. The thing is the creep asked me do some dirty things I never had done before I am paranoid that I have been recorded and I am so ashamed that I relapsed in this yuck manner. I literally think its an extremely expensive loss in my current wellfare. I am so troubled and I feel so filthy and like crap. I messaged the person that I am never going to do that again the person replied maybe you’ll change your mind and started to give me an argument that all the porn is the worse value thing one can do is not actually correct however I said that I am hurt and I don’t want to hurt myself in this manner ever again and said bye.

I am so disgusted at myself I can’t even think that I will be able to feel like I was feeling in the morning ever again. This one is a big bad yuck relapse and bam its crazy. Porn is crazy having filthy taste in sex is yuck crazy (I am aware that novelty make one seek extreme porno and our taste get morphed too when we fap to it) todays relapse is the worst place in this shit hole I’ve been (I mean I have not done anything as dirty as today on can ever) its difficult at the moment however I won’t binge and I promise that I’ll have a long streak from this moment onwards.

21 Feb 2020 Indian time 14:31 afternoon

Day 0 hour 0

Disappointed and feeling great loss from the relapse will write in the evening about day 0 update.

1 Like

Day 3, 24 Feb 2020, 22:12 Indian standard time.

Today was was bad days I let myself down for no reason. I had lied to one of my friend about meeting and talking to his gf and he called me yesterday to ask me why I lied. The reason that I lied is because I lusted his gf a few months back and that was really making me feel guilty that I was not loyal to him or his gf. He introduced me to his gf and showed trust in me as a friend to not obviously do what I had done a few months back. He has definitely shown problematic behavior during his fights with his gf which his gf informed me about when he was out of town and was in his hometown. He was being violent with her and was beating her in anger when they would fight and his excuse was that because he and his gf slept in the first place he now is in the process of divorcing his wife whit whom he had a child ( he cheated on his wife with his now gf) and me on my second good nofap streak thought its a good idea to hit on her since she is showing interest in me by coming over and having conversations and I lusted her aswell then a bit (controlled) later after seeing them together when he was back I felt shame and disloyal to my friends I started to double reinforce any inappropriate thoughts about her and hung out with them as the couples friend obviously my friend’s friend first. I really wanted to give him my piece of mind and wanted to quit his friendship as well because I just can’t be friends with anyone who is violent towards women however I have not confronted him about this and still do hang out with him. So he called yesterday and asked me why and all I said at the moment was that its because they were fighting and I though it would be better if I didnt tell

So today I called to tell him an extra bit of information so that we would be at ‘peace’ that information is also a confession I am going to make here and that is I steal from my parents. I steal from my parents to be able to buy beers etc. In 11 years since School I have just worked 5 months this is how deep I am in this pit.

So I told him this and went to meet him over coffee, cigarettes and a bit of weed there we had a coffee and out of nowhere he said I am watching a movie on Netflix and I am going to continue watching so if you wanna watch here I am playing it and it turns out to American Pie (it is literally p) so my goal of not having to see any psubs failed because just in 3-4 mins of the movie I saw a topless image and a Harlem scene I didnt watch it though I immediately went to the balcony and after like 3 minutes of focusing and thinking I came back and said no I don’t want to watch this movie and I am reading about a new study that is related to lust and thus I don’t watch this. He agreed and stoped I went out to the slums and scored a bit of weed for 2$'s and came back and we smoked two joints then I left.

I came back and really wanted to salvage myself back into the momentum I had for the streak and my motivation I just failed three daily goals no internet usage no psubs and no weed. I started with the success stories and luckily I found a really really inspiring story and new and important information and fact on the same post.

The post is :

The book that the fapstronaut has attached to the post is a great and I am so thankful that I came across this post and the book. I have started reading the book and I feel better the more I read the more informed I will be and be out of the pmo trap like fapstronauts should its a journey and I want to achieve the result that is being pmo free for forever and ever and have a positive and a good life.

Today’s notes

Urge meter - 4/10

Exercise - walked 13032 steps (9.77 kilo meters)

Productivity - read a bit of that book and read and wrote a few word definitions.

Everyday I am writing(typing) here that my productivity is just as much as a a glass of water nothing more and I must take measure or I will crash and be in misery forever.

Goodnight

Day 4 , 26 Feb 2020, 01:08 am
2:30 pm today afternoon I will be on day 5
Have not written a journal today I was not feeling well today however I will write for day 4 and day 5 together and I won’t skip day 4 report and my thoughts I just will have to do it in the morning.

Day 4 report

Urge meter - 4-5/10
Exercise - walked 11,294 step 8.47 kilo meters and did 4 push ups ( I really need to exercise I just need to focus and change my habit of saying no to any sort of exercise)
Productivity - none except I wrote like 2 word definitions and read 4 pages of a book :frowning:

My day 1 and 2 here :
Order day 2 then day 1 : I wont break order again in future posts.

Day 2, 24 Feb 2020, 11:12am (Indian Standard Time)

Yesterday I went to bed at 11:00pm. I dreamt of a dry hump encounter with a woman wearing a bikini, I don’t know how I ended up having this dream however I need to concentrate on 90 days hard mode no pmo so that my neural pathways diminish and that I can be on the road to freedom from this chronic low value habit.

Today I woke up at 10:30 am - Since I am unemployed I am used to sleeping 10-12 hours night to morning which I need to change as it is not healthy and I need to find employment and be on a productive routine.

I have never done anything much of good value in my life and all my life since school I have not even been on a routine at least in school I attended 6 hours formal school and educated myself of the subjects however since then I have not been able to maintain even a 2-3 hour productive routine. I enrolled in university for a computer bachelors program however because of my pmo doings and other low value interests I didnt even attend 10% of the attendance required and eventually had to quit college. After I quit college which I never attended. I moved to a popular beach town which my parents financed because I emotionally harassed them and they had to because of it. There thanks to God I had no internet for 2 years and I was p free however as soon as I got internet I started daily pmo’ing again(once again thank God that I had Internet only for a few months duration) after this I was p free for another 6 months. I by chance was p free however I did not yet realize that p is the factor why my d was not ever healthy nor was my sexual tastes. During all this time I had not done a single thing productive except maybe walking more than my normal and since p was away from my life my idle thoughts were of better value than my normal.

I over did cheap drugs in the last two months there at the beach town and my father because he was concerned about the kind of money I was asking for every week or so came to take me back so I packed my bag and left to stay with my parents. There I got a little weird and I once again harassed them to let me visit another city alone and live in affordable tourist houses for 2-3 months, I was thinking that that town is also populat with tourists and just like the beach town I would be able to score those cheap affordable drugs and enjoy the buzz all day again however I could not find any there and because of this I got so frustrated that I tore apart all my ID cards ,My ATM card and tried to throw away my laptop and during this time I caused self harm to myself because I felt that I am too perverted and out of control because of that. So my father had to come pick me up from the roadsides where I had been sleeping for a week (90% of my time in that city was also p free however I was masturbating almost twice a day most days). I HAD NOT DONE A SINGLE PRODUCTIVE THING IN MY YEARS AND DIDNT DO IT WHEN I VISITED THESE PLACES AS WELL, IT IS NOW 6-7 YEARS SINCE SCHOOL - NO JOB NO NOTHING.

Once back at home my p interests changed to vanilla and I kinda made a promise to myself to only m to google pics of Indian women p. Since I was in this manner my parents decided to put me in rehab for 3 months and there again I was p free for these 3 months.

I am approximating that since school till the age of 31 years my current age - I have been free of pmo for about 3 years to 3 years 6 months. However at the age of 30 my pmo taste escalated because I now started visiting pmo chat sites where the chat language is of escalated tastes like extreme fetishes etc. It is here I had lost the most of my dignity however I was excited and interested in finding myself a partner with whome I can fap can to can with (it never happened though, I could only find like 6 partners out of which 3 were guys) I started playing mobile video games and would always be in lookout of younger girls 20+ age to chat with them and somehow try to convince them to fap with me. I have lost all dignity in doing so in my life.

In a few hours its day 3 :

Day 2, 24 Feb 2020 morning 11:50am

Urge meter - 5-6/10

Internet usage - none except here and rewire companion app

Productivity - None

Exercise - None

Day 1 , 23 Feb 2020. 12:20pm

In 3 hours it will be day 2.

I did not view any Internet and YouTube yesterday whole day and it had been really great I am was feeling energetic and motivated the whole day yesterday, I ate all three meals and enjoyed them Aswell and I didn’t hesitate to sleep on time and I went to bed 10:00 pm sharp.

I joined a Nofap accountability what’s app group made by some Indian youngsters and I am motivated by reading their inspirational messages and advices towards each other, it felt nice to see all those messages on the groups. Some of the youngsters were 100 days+ and some 30+ and the rest were asking the other for advice and how to manage when the urges appear.

Today I woke up at 10:30 am ( I was in bed for 12:30 hours since yesterday night) and felt really energetic thanks to not viewing any internet and YouTube I guess.

Before my no pmo day 2 begins here is a report for right now :

Urge meter - 4-5/10

Cigarettes - 1 (since morning)

Productivity - wrote and read a few word definitions (I am really finding it hard to even be a little productive this is all I can manage as per now)

Exercise - none

Internet usage - none no YouTube

I am feeling the relief of being away from pmo, everyday without pmo and moving towards freedom means a lot to me.

Goals for the day :

Read 150 pages of a good book

Exercise - A walk and a jog - 32 push ups and 32 crunches.

Eating three good meals

Figuring out how to get employed

I’m on day 4 and will be on day 5 in 13 hours from now.

My previous good streak and I maintained a reboot log on Nofap forums :

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/hii-i-relasped-today-with-porn-and-i-am-scared-that-my-future-has-been-destroyed.231996/

Day 5 hour 22 , Feb 27 2020.
In two hours it will be day 6.
Both yesterday and today have been idle just sitting and sleeping at home except reading journals here and reading a few pages of PDF book ybop. I am traped not just in a cycle of pmo’ing - I am also trapped in a cycle of sloth lethargy and not working for money. I wish it was day 6 being employed and being productive as well. My goals are to replace pmo and add value into my routine such as reading a lot, exercises, being honest and being employed. At this stage I am not being able to push myself to do anything. Yesterday I realized that back in 2015-2016 when I was without internet (and obviously p) for about 2+ years I started to have pains in my body it was really hard maintaining a posture I wonder that since I was not mo free my withdrawal symptoms appeared after two years however soon after I got an internet connection and spiraled into 2 years of pmo.
So yes withdrawals can be tough so I have to be careful in the future when I make it like 4-5-6 months no pmo mark and that’s a long way from here and I have to take it a day at a time.
I don’t know what else to write here for now. I’ll write again in the evening
Report
Urge meter - 4/10
Exercise - None
Productivity - None

Day 10 no pmo - 18:41(New Delhi, Indian Standard Time) Monday 2 March 2020.

I am aware of no pmo and the about the negative/low value effects of p since may 2018. Since then I have had a no p**n streak of 100 days however I was m’ing 5-7 times a week so its not considered a reboot then when I realized that I cannot just abstain from p and I have to abstain from pmo in order to reboot so that I can live the no pmo no fap lifestyle forever. I then signed up on Nofap forums and after a few relapses I was able to have a no pmo streak of 87 days but again them I was not really serious about rebooting and a permanent Nofap lifestyle because I didnt brainwash(brainwash in itself is a neutral term) myself with the information about no pmo streaks reboot and Nofap lifestyle intensely(since p is so intense our obtaining of the reboot information should also be daily, regular and intense) just like a filthy cloth needs to be washed our filthy x rated brain/mind should also be washed hence brainwash. I had several wet dreams/nocturnal emissions during the 87 day streak asweal that implies my kidney which is connected with mastuabtion and nocturnal emissions/wet dream and involuntary ejaculation is weak due to a decade of pmo’ing(5-15 times a week) now I have read a bit on Nofap forums and through a thread there have found a legendary translation of the reboot logs of soring eagles 6 years reboots which is originally in Chinese/Mandarin from where I have learned about brainwashing and exercises that heal the kidney to prevent nocturnal emissions. so today is my day 10 no pmo after a long set of relapses 7-10 days max streaks and today afternoon as I was waking up from my afternoon nap I had an incedwnce of perversion and objectifying a very pretty, smart and intelligent woman in my dream. I am sad to type that my objectifying was intense and perverted. I am disheartened however I have not o’d involuntarily this is because I don’t even have enough in my system otherwise healthy people would o I can tell because my objectifying was intense (I stopped right in time I didnt imagine that smart woman nude or anything but I had moved close to her in order to harass and seduce her which I was thinking in terms of immediate pick up and x. I have realized how filthy my subconscious and even normal mind is and am troubled by it. I must dedicate to rebooting and changing myself for the better or else it will be to late for me. I have typed it all out here because I am not going to forget how I objectify normal women and it is corrupted and so intensely wrong and I am sick/ill because of the effects of pmo on my mind.

Report :

Urge meter - 6-6.5/10

Exercise - A small morning walk at 06:30 am in the morning

Productivity - None

Brainwashing - Have just read a 2 page post on information and remarks about p addiction and reboot.

Day 10 hour 22 - 12:54pm (Indian standard time) Tue 3 march 2020

I haven’t typed in a proper log in a few days and I have not understood why I am feeling so lazy and why I don’t type a good written daily log everyday, I understand it is vital to be able to achieve the challenges and then move toward having a Nofap lifestyle for my entire life.

Today I typed in this for my log so that I can motivate myself to type in a daily log here :

10 most common English words :

  1. The. det. (called the definite article) denoting one or more persons or things mentioned or assumed to be familiar

  2. Of. prep. connecting a noun (often a verbal noun or pronoun with a preceding noun, adjective, adverb or verb, expressing a wide range of relations broadly describable as follows 1. origin, cause or authorship

  3. and conj. connecting words, clauses or sentences that are to be taken jointly

  4. a det. (also an before a vowel) (called the definite article) one, some, any (used when referring to something for the first time in a text or conversation)

  5. to prep. introducing a noun - a) expressing what is reached, approached or touched (five minutes to six) b) expressing what is aimed at, often introducing the indirect object of a verb

  6. in prep. 1) expressing inclusion or position within limits of space, time, circumstance etc.(in English, in bed, in the rain)

  1. during the time of (in the night)
  1. is 3rd singular present be

(Be (sing. present am, are, is; pl. present are; 1st and 3rd sing. past was; 2nd sing. past and pl. past were; present subjunctive be; past subjunctive were; pres. part. being; past part. been) v.intr 1(often prec. by there) exist; live (there was once a man) 2 a) take place (dinner is at eight). b) occupy a position in space (he is in the garden). 3) remain, continue (let it be). 4) linking subject and predicate, expressing a) identity (today is Thursday). b) condition (he is ill today). c) state or quality (he is very kind) d) opinion (I am against hanging)

  1. you pron. (obj. you; poss. your, yours) used with reference to the person or persons addressed or one such person and one or more associated persons

  2. that pron. (pl. those) the person or thing indicated, named or understood (I heard that; who is that in the garden)

  3. it pron. (poss. its; pl. they) 1. the thing or occasionally the animal or child previously named or in question (who is it? It is I?; is it a boy or a girl?)

Report :

Urge meter - 4-5/10

Exercise - a small morning walk and a very small afternoon walk

Productivity - none except writing some word definitions in my notebook

Psubs - none

Day 11, 03:59pm , Tuesday 03/03/2020.

I have read on the threads that withdrawal symptoms will start appearing from today and will be present till day 40 at least and my continue even till day 90. I have to withstand these withdrawal symptoms and persevere so that I complete first the 14 day challenge then the 21 day challenge then the 30 day challenge and then the 90 day challenge. I will take it one day at a time and withstand this trial. It is my need as I am an addict to pmo however I now am aware I am an addict and want to cure my addiction and heal. I want to accomplish these challenges and then work towards establishing the nofap lifestyle for life.

God help me in this time of weakness please I really want to get rid of my addiction.

I don’t want the thrill of pmo I don’t want the fun and recklessness of pmo. I don’t want to use pmo as a comfort and I don’t want to use pmo as a crutch. I feel dead and I am a deadbeat amoung the people who have a job and a career. I want to have a family one day and want to strive to have a healthy family life. I don’t want to disgrace the good people around me. I want to be clean for my parents and sibling.

I didnt type here everyday.
I’m am doing well and have not relapsed I’v completed day 43 no pmo.

2 Likes

I didn’t know that you are on this app also. I had seen you on nofap.com. Super Saiyan challenge😁