Agantuk's Diary [20 M]

Hi there! I am starting this journal/diary to pen down my daily life experiences which will make me more accountable, expressive and focused.

History of my Addiction

I dont remember my exact age though it was certainly near about 8 when I got into this vicious circle. As a kid of just 8 years, I should have been busy with my school homework and games with friends. But life isn’t fair chaps. It isnt!.
One dreaded summer, me with my family went to my cousins house for vacations. It turned out the most disastrous event in my life.
My cousin (a girl), who was elder to me, physically molested me. I prefer to say ‘Rape’. As a guy and at that age, I couldn’t convey my condition with anyone. But the incident changed me. It gave me a permanent mark on my body and soul which I was going to carry in the near future.
During the whole event I came to know the uses of penis other than for peeing. And… curiosity grew. I started experimenting with my body to forget the “Rape”. Soon, got access to Porn.
And then, nothing remained the same. Gradually with passing of years, the genres of porn kept changing and slowly just from a medium of escape became the essential thing of survival.
I entered my Teen age. Hormones soared and the need for a ‘girl’ friend came. I fell in love with a girl. She rejected with increasing my insecurities. She said ‘I was ugly and she can get a lot better’.
I got my comfort in Porn. My addiction levels escalated to a different platform. No more I could easily stop. Started having problem even with the mere existence of girls. All day I used to masturbate. Tried to peep see relatives. Ah! Disgusting. I dont want to remember all that.
This continued till 2019. At the end of 2019, I got to know that majority of my problems in life are due to PMO addiction. I pledged to leave my addiction.

2020, Started

This year will be remembered throughout history as Corona Year. Due to the outbreak of Corona we all were pushed inside our homes. My mental illness got severely hampered. I did a few good streaks in the whole year but couldn't curb my addiction. Highest streak in 2020 was: 21 days.

2021, Recovering a little

The recent year was a little fruitful to me where I could do a lot of 20+ days streaks. Found some unbreakable blockers for my phone. So am able to quite distance myself from porn. But in the last 4 months, I am suffering from imaginary masturbation (MO). Though, I have watched P in the last 4 months due to Chaser Effect. Highest streak in 2021 was: 30 days.

2022

Currently am on my 5th Day. This year I will just go more subtle and calm. I will not make any fake promises to myself. I wont promise myself that at the end of the year I will be spotless. But I will promise that this year I will outgrow myself. I have lost a lot of time, energy and resources which cant ever be returned. But I will give my best. I will work on 5 (Panchamrit) aspect in life.
  • Health (Year end goal: Burn my belly fat. I am suffering from skinny fat. Get back my hairs which I have lost due to Fapping)
  • Wealth (Year end goal: Currently am studying. So wont be possible to earn money. But yaa, will work on my Career Goal. Finish 100% of that)
  • Happiness (Year end goal: Should be able to find happiness even in the smallest things of life
  • Skill (Year end goal: I want to be able to cook at end of the year. Not something chef like. Just to cook myself meals)
  • Expression ( PMO has snatched from me even the simple ability to express. Year end goals: Be my best in expression )

Let’s begin! From today, I will write everything that I am doing, planning, lessons and failures.:grin::grin:

Sharing Code: kfu5o6

11 Likes

2022-01-09T16:49:00Z

Day 6

:white_check_mark: Woke up at 9 am
:white_check_mark: Study hours: 3 hrs
:white_check_mark: Preparation of routine

Journal

I woke up really late and this has been my routine from last few months. To be precise, from the beginning of winters. I have always thought to sleep early but then I would get up near about 3. Its the most problematic time for me as am relapsing in that time (I know, quite awkward time). So, I force myself to sleep late.

I started studying with whatever will possible. I took my bath in between. I had my lunch at 1 pm. In afternoon, I thought to have a nice nap. But sadly, I had to sacrifice that for my streak 😔. I had planned to start my exercise routine from evening but I started feeling a little ill 😷during that time. At evening, I dont know why but I was feeling very sad. Trust me, I didn't have any reason. I was sad without a cause. I am learning a lot from Rewire and have also built my daily to do list. Hope to start the routine properly within few days.

Special Notices
I am getting too much tired even after having 8+ hours sleep and physical activity. Maybe, my body is just trying to recover.

Good night.

3 Likes

2022-01-10T17:19:00Z

Day 7

:white_check_mark: Woke up at 8:30 am
:white_check_mark: Study Hours: 2 hrs

Journal

Lord! Again… what’s happening to me these days. Its going unbearable. But I won’t give up.
I tried my every possible way to be productive today. I started to study as early as possible (wanted to have 8 hours study time today :grimacing::sweat_smile:).
I could concentrate for about half an hour but then I started to get sooo much irritated. My mind was crawling from one place to another in search of any dopamine. At last, my study got hampered.
I prepared Gajar ka Halwa in afternoon. I just love its taste when it is topped with Ghee and almonds :yum::yum:
Had to go to the market to bring some groceries. Due to it missed my workout sessions. Watched a good film called " Soorarai Potru ". Got to learn a lot of things from there. Its a story about a person living in rags but still dreaming of building an Airline Company which will allow poor people to fly in air with cheap tickets.
There was a Marxist approach in the film and honestly it attracted me. It taught me

If a person even from the lowest strata of life has dreams and capability to conquer it. Cant we people who live in almost riches(has fulfilled basic necessities of life) fight our addiction? :dagger::crossed_swords:

From evening, I got followed by some severe headache and mood swings. Sometimes I feel motivated and sometimes to be cuddled to sleep.

Anyways. Good night.

3 Likes

Well you r from my age group and I can relate to your story of struggling in PMO… But believe me you can do it …You have power and dedication :fire:

What things are you doing for your hair regrowth or planning to do ?

1 Like

Particularly for hairs am doing

  1. Sirsasana
  2. Having Amla juice the first thing in morning

Few things I want to include more as my streak progresses.

  1. Balayam
  2. Right diet
  3. Flax and Chia seeds
  4. Pranayam
2 Likes

How much hairs have you lost (percentage)? … Is your hairline receded?

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Yeah!! I used to have bouncy hairs just 3 years back. Now hair line has receded and hair has thinned a lot. I mean you can see my scalp through my hairs. Occasionally I also get white hairs.
Sad…:pensive::pensive:
I need to reverse the situation.

3 Likes

2022-01-11T16:34:00Z

Day 8

:white_check_mark: Study Time: 2 hrs
:white_check_mark: Wake up at 8 am. Was very close to Nightfall.
:white_check_mark: Drink warm Water
:white_check_mark: Amla Juice
:white_check_mark: Healthy Breakfast
:white_check_mark: Take a bath
:white_check_mark: Afternoon Nap (1 hour)
:white_check_mark: Hip Bath

Journal :writing_hand:

I am too happy to complete a lot of work today. I am getting back in my productivity area. I woke up with huge urges. I also had a dream. I cant even remember whether it was a dream or reality. I saw that am edging to porn and then masturbating. My mind trying to convince me in every possible way to give up. And its very hard to resist the temptations during dreamy state. But thanks to God! I survived. After waking up I do felt miserable. But continued my routine.
Today it was raining all day and I love rains. Its so nice to sit in the comfort of your blanket and see Nature dancing with rain drops. Dust from every leaf of my curry plant got washed away. :herb:
The weather is calmer in night. I can just hear the barkings of dogs in the street. They must be drenched. :dog2:
I dont understand this…Whole day I got every thought from every corner of the world. From why should we pee to why should we build more advanced transportation service. Everything just flooded my mind. But see, now when I have to write down my journal, pen down my feelings, I am left in a thoughtless state. Will return back tomorrow.

Good Night!

Sharing code: kfu5o6

3 Likes

Don’t be sad… i m also facing same problems though not white hairs problem but all other then this!!
.
What’s your thoughts on using MINOXIDIL ?

1 Like

I have just heard of it. But I can assure you that I wont ever use it. I dont believe in the idea of putting external material and that too some unknown medicine on my scalp.
Will stick to the other ways.

1 Like

2022-01-12T16:53:00Z

Day 9

:white_check_mark: Study Time: 2 hrs
:white_check_mark: Wake up at 8:30 am
:white_check_mark: Drink warm Water
:white_check_mark: Amla Juice
:white_check_mark: Healthy Breakfast
:white_check_mark: Take a bath
:white_check_mark: Herbal Tea with Chawanprash
:white_check_mark: Sirsasana
:white_check_mark: Hip Bath

Journal :writing_hand:

I am seriously feeling too much drained today. There had been conflicting emotions. I tackled my best. Now, I just want to jump into my bed and just hear the rain. The rain hasn’t stopped still. I had a lot of food today. Had Paneer Matar in dinner. For the first time, I prepared Paneer at home. I was quite joyful on the fact that it retained the same taste as bought from stores and maybe better.

I have identified that my most problematic period lies in afternoon. I always have two thoughts-

  • either to sleep peacefully or
  • else study or do something productive at that time

I always get stuck as the desire for both attracts me. Though, sleeping has a negative point for me. If I sleep in afternoon, I will not be able to sleep early in night. And if I stay awake till late night, I will get bad thoughts which will put me into a perplexing situation. I wish anyone could advice on that. Discussions are open.

Good night!
Sharing Code: kfu5o6

1 Like

@Samaranjay and @GOVIND-19 bro…if you could give some piece of advice.

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What I can advice here is that you should take enough sleep at night. I take about 8 hours sleep at night and hence I don’t feel sleepy in the day, but still like once in 2 weeks or so I do feel tired in the day and I can’t focus, at that time I go for a daytime nap.

2 Likes

Really? :astonished::astonished:I sleep for more than 9 hours. Then why I am feeling this?

2 Likes

Yea @Samaranjay is more fit to advise on this question. Because he is the only one I know who sometimes sleep in the afternoon and more importantly, he studies unlike me

2 Likes

I sleep 9-10 hours sometimes. Your sleep requirement depends on your daily activities

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Then we are kinda same. Sleeping pandas :joy::panda_face:

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Bro i work out hard everyday. I need that sleep. Otherwise I’ll die

2 Likes

Oho!! I am missing that in my routine. Bro how can I do it as a beginner. Should I stick to some app?

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I also do that sometimes :joy:.
But what you face in the afternoon is called afternoon slump, more than 60% of the population experiences it here’s a video that you might find informative

More importantly if you are taking enough sleep at night and you make an effort and don’t sleep in the afternoon for 4-5 days straight you will get used to it and you won’t feel sleepy in the afternoon in general, this is what happened to me, I used to be a regular daytime napper and now I’m not

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