[Adioz's Diary] Let's have Break up with My Porn(Buddy)

Day 6 12hrs Completed

Everything going great…
No Big Urges I felt today…
I have learnt many things on which I am working on…

Today thought:-

images (7)

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After completing exact 7days

As well as recently I did…

Again Came back to Day 0

Did the same mistake what I have done earlier…
I have to fix my sleeping time(till what time and at what time)
All will fixed as I will fix only this thing :point_up_2:t2:

Don’t know how I can explain how I am feeling now… It can happen again if I feel the same way…

But I assure that I will come back again… With more enthusiasm…
Sorry AP I let you down… (I didn’t told you because I don’t want to disturb you in the night)…

I will write down how I feel after one time relapse

What I have learnt ?

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Relapse Story:-

Not as usual but I sleep late yesterday…
Because of some entertainment show I was watching…
I went to sleep at 12:00 a.m. and at that time I didn’t have any your anything not even a single thought about…
I just doubting myself that why I am not able to do what is best for me… Feeling emotionally down, felt low confidence…etc
But suddenly I wake up(half an our before the triggered time) i found that I have a boner… Later i saw time(mostly happened this time about to come) it triggered me… And for distracting my mind I started watching some skillful tutorials… But(15mins later) it feels boring to me…
So I focused on whats going in my mind…?
There are lot of Thoughts related to P*… I understood that I gonna relapse soon… So I opened the rewire app… Use Urge tab, I thought this atleast this will help me… But didn’t…I saw is there anyone online… No one is…
So, I saw some Motivational quotes… Even that doesn’t helped me…
I am like crying inside that somebody help me… But no one is there…
Lastly I guarded down by reminding myself all negative things about me…
I started seeing some girls images… I thought I won’t relapse if I will see just casual things… (I didn’t touch it)
Later it became erotic… & Goes to some intimate videos…(I was edging)
& Finally I fell in the trap of my craving mind Thoughts…
In the first time I didn’t saw any porn
But when it became extreme in the morning
I saw kind of P*(saw some GOT scenes)

You ask too many questions, and mostly all of them leads to self doubt. You needed someone to talk right? You should join a whatsapp group , it’s an international group and the group is active. I will be sharing the link below but it will take time to get authorised by the app. The name of the group is 300.

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Day 1 1hr Completed

Adioz StreakCountup

After relapse

I felt like I have low energy, low will power, being Lazy to do anything, felt sad, Negative Thoughts, Procastinating, Making Excuses and Low Immune system…
Because of these I feel inferior than others… Running from situation which one day I have to face anyway…!

These negative effects which I had because of PMO…
Many people taking advantage of this… They think that I don’t have that much capability to do anything…! (They can find out by seeing my face)

I can relate to my Day 15(my highest streak from the day I joined) and Day 0…

There are so much difference Where I am happy all day(without reason). :blush:… Now I am sad(with many reasons)…:pensive:
Where I am waking up early before the alarm :alarm_clock:… I am just sleeping thinking someone stop this alarm. :sleeping_bed:
Where I am feeling great about my body, feel like I have healthy pure soul, there today I felt like bad about my body cursing myself… why I am lean when other people looks healthy…? :frowning:
Where I feel like… walking like a Lion :lion:… With helding my head Up
Now I am walking like I am nothing to proud of…! :disappointed:

I really want to go back to that day when I am “Who I Am” :smiley: actually not what I am now…

So I think this is the time whether “Do or Die”I have to choose myself… which life I want? :angry:

I don’t want to see back and regret myself I had an opportunity to change my life but I didn’t.

Today’s Thought

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
:point_right:t2:It is what you think about.
:point_left:t2:

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Day 2 2hrs Completed

Adioz StreakCountup

Y’day days is not so good… I had a fever(genuinely) because of low immune system… I was feeling cold when I went outside …& then i came back home…!
I felt cold even after I have taken a thick blanket…
I am low on energy, can’t able to walk properly… feel so lazy…!

(I know these are all Excuses… Which I have not to repeat again… That’s why I am writing here…!)

All day went in sleeping & eating…

In the night I sleep late… I am scared again that the time is coming when I feel urge…
My AP suggested me to block all apps from which I get triggered… He helped me to pass my urge…!
When I went to sleep I switched off my mobile as well as lappy so that I don’t have any options available…

Night went so peacefully…
Morning I read the Important content suggested by @ERNOL
Thanks for the beautiful content… I will read every single day… So that I won’t forget why I am here??

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Day 3 3hrs Completed

Adioz StreakCountup

Y’day as it is Sunday so Funday, full on entertainment Day
I decided to watch a Movie… Name:- Terminator the Darkfate

After watching movie I felt these:-
1)I am motivated
2)I Have that aggression which I must have on this journey of NoFap
3)full on positivity … +ve Mindset
4)I am super energetic
5)Mentally clear no brain fog
:point_up_2:t2: When I am in this condition I can get all the solutions of my problems

So y’day went well after watching movie…
I went to Sleep early with phone Switched off…!

From 2-3 days I am experiencing some different… Life is trying to Teach me something

And I have Learnt this:-
"Whatever you say that karma will rewind that in future… So, speak only when is needed & whatever you say that must be true otherwise if you said a lie… One day you will be trapped by your own words"

Today morning I wake up at 7am but still on bed because something (not related to Nofap) going on inside my head which force me to sleep & later… I wake up & get ready & went out…

Today I am feeling some fear inside me… I am hoping that I can face this fear…!

Today I faced 1% of my fear… This will come again in future, so I am preparing myself that next time will face every fear with full confidence… I won’t step back a inch.
Let’s see what will happen…

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Day 4 01hrs Completed

Adioz StreakCountup

To be honest
I am not following anything which is written in my Schedule(from last 4days)…
• Not Waking Up early(as I don’t have to go anywhere)
• Not doing Morning routine
• No exercise (not consistent in doing it)
• Not Reading(which I thought I will replace the habit with)
• Making Excuses, Complaining, Negative Thoughts (are still there about myself)
• Delaying everything ( procastinating every work)
No day is Productive till date…

I have to work harder to quit these habits… & Start doing as I did earlier… Appreciating ever single achievement and giving reward myself (in any form)…

Wasted a lot of time because of my friends (at the time of work)
Wasted all time in gossiping and doing some extra activities (which is useless in next 5yrs)

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After Day 4 21hrs Completing

Again back to Day 0

Adioz StreakCountup

Why exactly I relapsed?

When I wake up with this irritating alarm…
I opened the rewire app… I read some words like slip, P, edge etc… That reminds me about my AP’s past days…
I got a boner… and I am resisting that energy…
Then I switched on my mobile & found the way to unlock the apps… Even it is password protected… So I searched some normal pictures (non nudity) but that hits me again hard & then I went to incognito mode & opened the P site… As it is blocked in India… I tried 2-3 sites… Lastly I found one… I was watching (without touching) & suddenly Thought came that I should reset the counter… Then again something came in my mind where I am disappointed by one of our companion…

My Mind Thoughts are like : (don’t relate this to your Journey)
Nothing will happen as he too did the same… Watched P, resisted and didn’t reset the counter… Why should I have to?

I resisted by saying if I touch it… I would relapse… Almost 90times I said but when I did the same mistake as I did earlier…
Taking my mobile with me in bathroom… watching P*
Then Relapsed…!

I know this is wrong… and I am not ashamed of writing this Journal(it’s gonna help me anyways)
I have to reset earlier but, somewhere I know that… I would relapse definitely…
If I don’t reset this even after I relapse… Or if I lie to everyone… It’s not their loss… That’s my loss I am lying to myself…!

From today I have to be more aware because I will be in my comfort zone for few months… I know it takes a lot time to come on track… Hope I will get back on track where I was long ago…

Still I feel like I need some “Mental Clearity”… — “Why I am doing this?”“This is only I can clearify” because I have tried to ask everyone… “Unless I feel inside I can’t beat this Demon”…!

And I will follow my schedule… It’s like Today or Never ever…

It’s important that how you react after you relapse…
If you Motivate yourself then your day will be full of happiness otherwise if you curse yourself that you did mistake then you’ll stay stuck where you are… Don’t miss the happiness which you can get only by changing the mindset

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So what did you learn? How can you avoid this next time?

And I actually disagree, I think pain after a relapse is a good thing. Pain is something we learn to avoid. While I don’t condone being depressed and overly sad over a relapse I definatley don’t condone happiness either. I think it’s good to be motivated after a relapse, that “I’m tired of falling” mentality, and “I must win.”

You got this brother. It’s possible for all of us. May God help you.

So what did you learn? How can you avoid this next time?

@Sacred I have learnt that Apply as much blocker as you want, but when you finally feel the pressure, then you also get a solution for the Impossible.

I can avoid this by being optimistic about every situation…
Not thinking about anyone… And do this without being dependent…!
And I will follow my schedule where I don’t have time to think about the PMO…( As I experienced earlier… This definitely help)

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If you bring your smartphone with you when you go to the bathroom you will make this challenge 100 times more difficult, try to avoid it as much as possible.

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If you bring your smartphone with you when you go to the bathroom you will make this challenge 100 times more difficult, try to avoid it as much as possible

@Antares
Actual cue is not that taking phone in bathroom…
Main cue is thinking about P*… As I already mentioned
What my mind says & get trapped by that Thoughts… When I relate that to someone else journey…
I know comparing others Journey is insult of me… Because not everyone have same mindset…
Everything Starts with mindset…

Note:- kindly don’t stretch too much the conversation here if you want you can ping me PM.

Day 1 3hrs Completed…

Adioz StreakCountup

I know Nobody will believe me…I wasn’t sad…
But after realpse I made the mindset and then
WHOLE DAY WENT HAPPILY… :smiley:
Y’day was Productive day… I have learnt many things…
Not wasted lot of time…
Y’day I wake up little late… But slowly slowly I will get aligned to my schedule…
(I have to fix my sleeping time too that leads me waking up late) y’day I sleep at 3:30 p.m…

What’s Wrong with me?

Actually y’day I was thinking about my future wife…
What if I won’t fulfill her dreams which she expects before getting married?? She will find somewhere else & she will forget me… (First time tears came in my eyes, After many yrs)
Later I realize that’s just a thought and nothing gonna happen like this… Currently I have to focus on my Career make my future better…!
This happened when I am trying to sleep
Anyhow I slept…

Mostly I Overthink about my past relationships which I don’t have control over now… And I kept my Relationship in High priority where my Career should beWhenever I think first thought comes about my relationship… rather than my Career…. What should I do in my future?

What made me Smile?

I was talking to small children(7-8yrs) in between one small girl(1-2yrs old) is there… {She always scared of me when she is alone} but most of the time she smile by looking at me…

When I talking it other children…
In the middle small girl interrupted…
She said with smiling face :slight_smile:“Bayeeeeeee”:wave:t2:

I ignored it :smirk: as I was talking to others…
Again she interrupted with same expression :slight_smile: “Bayeeeeeee”:wave:t2:

When I didn’t went
She stand up and Said same… :blush::wave:t2: "Bayeeeeeee"

(This time I understood that she is getting disturb and want me to go now… She will talk to me later…!)

I said “Okay I am going”… Then again she smiled without saying anything…
(She is too small that she leaned these just few days before and saying like a mature girl) :laughing::point_up_2:t2::metal:

These lines gives me more Motivation to Keep Going:-

लोग डूबते हैं तो समुंदर को दोष देते हैं,
( People blame the sea when they drown )
मंजिल ना मिले ये तो मुकद्दर को दोष देते हैं,
( If they do not get the destination(what they want), they blame their Luck. )
खुद को संभाल कर चल नहीं सकते लोग
( People cannot walk carefully )
जब ठोकर लगती है तो पत्थर को दोष देते हैं।
( When they stumble, they blame the stone )

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Day 1 13hrs Completed

I can’t say that from morning I did this & that because I sleep so late I wake up late today… I wake up in afternoon…
I am changing the time of Journal… I always write in the night so that will remind me to sleep early…
As I wake up late so… I started that taking as a complain and working on it… I wasted alot of time till evening… Later I realize that if I am wasting my time why not waste my time in gaining some knowledge… I started reading book(In mobile)… I read atleast 2hrs wherever I go I take that & read book without any distraction…
While reading I started new Habit i.e, Walking… slowly it will change to running…! I am grateful that I started walking otherwise I wouldn’t know what’s going nearby me:blush:
I came home, I was thinking to do something different… I started singing… I am not a great singer but I can become if I do consistent effort in this skill… As it is side hobby so I don’t pay much attention to it…

Even I started playing with small childrens,
“that’s the age when they’re not selfish… Don’t think about what others will think… It’s all away from world’s negativity”…!
That’s why people say that God inhabits children

“Life is good when you see everything with your positive mindset”…!!

Today I sleep at 5:00 a.m

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Day 2 Completed

As I helped someone y’day… Today’s morning was superb than usual… Feel more joy in life… I am happy in the morning with my parents…
As I mentioned in last post I sleep at 5am & then I wake up at 7am… that time somebody came to my house… When I heard the door bell I was sleeping imagining some dream… It feels like there… I heard the door bell. Then when it comes continuously… Then I woke up & realise that wasn’t the dream.
I think I was awake till 11am
then I went back to nap but it is for little longer… after the Nap(for 2hrs) I started doing what’s necessary…
Later when I have completed all my to do task…

I just exploring the old data I found some movies(in my lappy) and wasted a lot of time because I didn’t realise that how 4-5hrs passed…
Now in the evening around 7pm because of some conversation I became sad… to control that feeling it taken an hour…
I reported my AP about this situation… Because there might be chances that I could slip again…
But I met someone today like a water in the desert…and he helped me when I am thirst badly… Thanks to him…
Overall my day is 80% happy and 20% sad but sadness started increasing deliberately… Unless I met the person with water…!

As I told already that karma reversed on me👆🏻… I’ve experienced whatever I am saying with in few days I have to face that situation so now on I am becoming aware of my words🤐 I won’t speak unless it is necessary to speak…!

Today’s Lesson for me:-

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