[Adioz’s Diary] Nҽɯ Jσυɾɳҽყ 𝚃𝚘𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍's 🅽🅾 🅿🅼🅾

I would like to speak up little about me in current days…
Since this lockdown(corona virus) started my parents are at home… No outings we’re going very less(unless it is very essential)
so, being at home irritate many people who dont like to stay at home(their dreams to explore the world/always socialize with other peoples). for me it’s little difficult for me to stay at home… Unless I will go out once or twice…
Sometimes I feel like I am in the prison… Just waking up doing one or two habit & then trying to pass the time so that I don’t feel boredom… For passing time I watch movies+YouTube+spend some time with family etc
& When these won’t fulfill the desires… Then I see P* when I am at my room all alone gadget in my hand & no filters…
My parents got panic when lockdown gets more strict day by day… In my home all day this news channel is on & the news I don’t want to hear unknowingly going inside my mind… & Create stressful situations… As I know that I can’t change my parents mindset, I have to change myself… So I always be extra careful that I don’t do any conversation which can arise quarrel(verbal)… Everyday there is a situation, where there will be a conversation if we exaggerate then it will go in different direction…
Let’s come back to my routine,
I missed my routine because of some work(not blaming) & when I came back home there is only dinner time and then everyone go to sleep…
I felt very sad that I missed my routine in which I was consistent… So, this sadness is still there because I didn’t find the solution yet… I always think what made me think that I will not break the Consistency of habit again…!
This is the big “fullstop(.)” in my journey…
Because I feel sad and no one was there to help me(or I didn’t ask help like it’s an emergency) this made me relapse again again… more no.of times then usual. I feel like I am indisciplined from the day one I joined here… But I am disciplined when I am on High Streak…
I think we can’t get back on track unless we ask help to other companions…
I think I am not serious/following the consequence as I have to quit this habit of PMO… That’s why I failed many no. Of times…
Because if I follow the consequence there is no chances of relapse

this is not the end but short break but i will be stay connected…
i will follow the Consequence of relapse from 29th March to 29th April

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Its good to see that you are struggling and thinking and not settling with this situation.

I want to say brother… keep thinking and keep analysing things …take a pen and paper and write…your plan… your strengths etc.

The only thing is you have to figure out a way or a schedule which helps you and you dont stuck in porn and relapse anymore.

Take everything positively and use every situation for your betterment.
I know and i believe…you can figue out a way… just sit and take a pen and write a succes plan to WIN YOUR BATTLE WITH THE DEMON INSIDE YOU.

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Y’day as I decided I did till 11pm(ist)
Abstain from any kind of screen… No mobile no laptop no tv etc…i got successful too till 11pm
But after 11pm I didn’t feel sleepy… Because I have taken nap in afternoon… It feels very long day without mobile…
So whole day I spent in reading book which is pending from long time…
why I didn’t followed Consequence after 11pm??
because i have pain in my leg and it wont let me fall asleep… whole night i try to do time pass using laptop(watching movies & got triggered too) and asked help… Thank to the person who helped me to heal the pain…!! (that time i was totally fine because my focus on the pain then the feeling urge)
not everyone help in the night because their high priority is to take enough sleep…
i did some stretches in the night which stretches muscle and it feels far better then pain i had the beginning…
its bearable…so i said bye to angel(male)… and try to sleep but i didn’t feel sleepy again i have taken my laptop and watching same scene which triggered me & i relapsed…
for me relapse is a sleeping pill… after relapse i fall asleep but in the morning my parents are angry on me… why i am waking up late…??
they don’t want to listen what happened with me last night just want to scold me…!! may be i am wrong but i felt that way…!!
everyday as i do help in the morning… today i didn’t got time to help(as i was sleeping)
i sleep at morning 5am…
now everyone is angry with me(actually everyone is frustrated as they cant roam outside because of this lock-down) and that frustration is coming back to me in form of scoldings…!!
feel very bad… no worries… i will continue until i can do it, what i decided earlier…

Day1 Completed

Whole day since I relapse I am just gathering the knowledge which gives me boost or good vibes…

I have created my diary in 3parts

  1. Regular journal (about activities I do)
  2. Points to remember (why I am doing NoFap, mistaken beliefs, slipping boundaries and my plans)
  3. All Motivation(mental clarity) I got from companions
    (Comments of Companions which means alot to me)

Everytime I will update these 3 diaries…
These will help me to go without any doubts in my mind…you can say it’s for mental clarity

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Day 2 Completed

In last month(last week) I was very lazy that nobody would be my friend if they see me all day lazy…
Sleeping on the bed with mobile and laptop surfing internet(mostly rewire), reading book (started few days ago) or playing addictive game all day…
Why I am on my bed all day?
Because if I spent some time with my family… they would speak about past mistakes or else they become introvert…!!
Let’s Leave this topic otherwise it seems like I am blaming my parents that why I am so negative?

Today is 1st April,
I thought I should begin every habit with positive energy…
So, I decided to do Home workout for 7days(Current Goal)
And book reading (not fix number of pages but I have to read) every single day…
Why I am doing these habits??
Home workout because I can’t afford to go to gym and it’s lockdown out there… Main reason is when I see in mirror I feel that I need to work on my body… So that I look healthy…!!
Reading book because it helps me to shift the mood when I lost while reading a book… It gives me positive thoughts and energy… and it guides me to get back on track, when I stumble
~ It works only when I don’t feel boredom and lost in the book (enjoying reading)…

Let’s see after the end of the day…
How far I followed my decisions…?

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At the end of the day…

  • taken 1work responsibility that I’ll do everyday(to help mum)
  • I went outside shopping (grocery) today…
  • Spent lot of time in rewire reading others journal
  • outside sources (browse separately) related to addiction… overcome stretegies
  • Listened podcast of Matt dobschuetz on recoveredman.com
  • Spent little time with family without devices around…
    Book Reading :negative_squared_cross_mark:
    Home workout :negative_squared_cross_mark:
    .
    .
  • Decisions without action are Worthless ~anonymous

day 4 3hrs completed

.
Day 3 while day went in playing game on mobile
And listening podcasts

Day 4 read book little
Socialize on call

Because of my mistake i have to bear the consequence…
dont worry i didnt relapse yet
i am saying i should be away from internet now… as much as i can

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Day 0 again because of movie scenes and i am not trying to resists and think logically…
my diary nobody want to see because there is no improvement
but i have to fix it by myself so, i will still continue until i will get what’s wrong with me…

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I am reading your diary brother… really…i want to see your improvement and i know…you can… you have done it once…do you remember that?

Just know your weak points… figure out a pattern… do self analysis daily…

Brother you know what… i never wrote this diary thing…never in my life…well i always knew…its a good habit…now i am using this diary… tou have seen my diary…i always write everything that happened to me on that day… like what i felt and all… NOT TO TELL SOMEONE ELSE…I WRITE EVERYTHIN, SO THAT I CAN USE THAT IN FUTURE… that on what day…how i was feeling…

Try new things…according to you…
Keep fighting brother…

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Y’day I was very emotional in the night because something reminds me my pasts,
One which is true love both side but there are restrictions
(We can’t be together because of society’s thinking and parents old tradition thinking)
And second which is one sided love because in this world without money we won’t even get our true love…
I was mad that I can do anything except one thing… In which I am not good at… And she choose that one… so, I thought where there is condition in love that’s not love that’s kind of signing bond paper…! It’s better to leave this kind of relationship(total unique)… But what should I do with that sweet memories I fed in my heart? This is the only thing which holds me back to her every single time…
I am trying to move on…
The second one is not intense relationship as I had first one I can’t forgot some moment which I spent with her… Always I wish, I can live that days once again…
Y’day when I reconnect with my past memories I try to live that moment but when I realise that can’t happen again… I feel extremely sad…
So I am again on day 0 again(in night as well as in the morning)

Today morning is like👇🏻
my :innocent: :thought_balloon:(thoughts) said “stop it…!!” and my :smiling_imp: :thought_balloon:(thoughts) said “I will not stop until I will get all the dopamine”… After couple of hours… Finally my :imp: :thought_balloon:(thoughts) won…!!

Lastly I want to say which I observed from so many Relapse
Not only me observed this but my close Companions also noticed that I became negative… I have negative thoughts all the time, where as… when I was helping others I was full of energy and no negative thoughts…
So I am thinking I should make myself positive as much as I can then only I can make it possible where I want to reach…!

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