A Wise Idiot's Journey (14 M)

Alright baby back on track!! Day 2 coming up✅
I wanna say a special thanks to @CarryOn @DarkViolin @DARSHAN2017 and @Fibonaccisequence for getting me back on track!! Going back and reading yalls messages to me helped me get out of a relapse today :smiley: you guys are awesome!!

3 Likes

Glad you’re doing better bro!

1 Like

Geez where has the time gone? I completely forget I have a diary here sometimes.
Day 5✅
Negatives:
I’m feeling distant from GOD
Urges are high
Social skills are pretty garbage
Positives:
I’m getting better at tackling urges
I’m undergoing the whole process again and I’m understanding the root of the evil of pornography

2 Likes

Day 4 :white_check_mark::white_check_mark:

  • Been staring at my phone a little too long
  • Relaying some wisdom
  • Started working on my mini book!

Alright I need to keep this more consistent because this diary has been really dry… Day 5 :white_check_mark::white_check_mark:
I had a dream about a girl that I’ve had a difficult time looking away from… She was tempting me to have sex with her… I didn’t give in but the crap she was wearing is still burned in my brain… Eventually she forced herself upon me and I guess that didn’t register in my dream but we didn’t consider that sex… Immediately after that we were both trying to restrain ourselves from doing it… We both resisted the urge and she was super happy about it… Her boyfriend just magically appeared and they lwere hugging and happy… I walked away alone… And then the dream ended… That dream jacked me up!! Those images are stuck in my brain and I may never see that girl the same way again… I cringed upon looking at a girl wearing some tight clothes so I looked away today which I guess is a win… I’m so desperate and lonely… Thats all out of me today…

2 Likes

image

2 Likes

November 6th… Day 6 of no PMO…
Today I want to talk about fear as I’m sitting here shaking because I’m so afraid of a relapse… I’m posting this as a refresh for myself and as a guide to those who need it so I hope I will be beneficial in my writings… I’ve been doing a bible plan over the past few days on how to stop worrying… And on Sunday I preached about the fear of failure so you think I would quit being fearful at this point but I’m still human! And I will keep trying to grow in this area, this being one of the steps to get there…

Keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will most likely include my relationship with GOD so if you may find something offensive or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

What is fear?

Fear is our (whether or not you believe it) our inability or unwillingness to trust GOD… Soak in that for a second…

Why are we fearful?

If you’re anything like me then you will struggle to put your faith in GOD no matter what and choose to love him unconditionally even though you know you should. Because honestly our brains have been wired to do this because of our addiction… Which is another reason I choose to quit, but that’s a topic for later. So because we choose to do NOTHING other than sit around and hope the urges go away we begin to become anxious and worrisome…
And when we choose to pray and do something for GOD we feel the gap start to shrink inside of us… Yet, we still choose to do nothing… This is why we are fearful…

So what do I do now?

Exactly!! What do you do?
Because we already learned before that when we choose to put GOD first and serve him we begin to heal from the scars we gave ourselves… Personally I don’t believe that even those who have beat this addiction can ever be as content as humanly possible without GOD because my GOD that I know is real wouldn’t allow that to happen because he’s always finding ways to point people to Him which is great! Even people who are with GOD and want to worship Him and His teachings will get a friendly reminder to pull out the Bible… So basically what I’m saying is, in that split second where you get an urge and the mental battle between righteous and evil, act very very quickly! Pull out your Bible!! Get down on your knees and pray and worship the glory of GOD!! Do a Bible study with friends!! And before you know it, the urge and the fears disappeared and you forget about them until they come back… When they do you repeat the cycle!!

What am I going to go do now?
This is me speaking in thurd person so this is like my daily log section so this doesn’t have to apply to you lol…

I’m going to go do a few bible plans and pray!!
Also I’m super embarrased to say this, but I uhhhh… I made like a homemade sex toy… I’m going to go destroy that now… Glad I came to my senses before I did something stupid! Day 6 my friends! If you read all of that thanks!! Please give me any feedback or constructive criticism you have about my words like if they were too harsh or something like that… Love you guys!!

ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING

3 Likes

Good points bro! Good luck on Sunday! I’ll be praying for you!
Yes, destroy that. :grimacing:

1 Like

No I already preached this most recent Sunday… Yeah uhh, I did…

1 Like

How did the sermon go?

1 Like

Well, I wanted to write all of my thoughts and feelings so here it goes…

I relapsed

Ah man Chris what happened?

Well, I broke rule number 7, and a few other things… Rule number 7 basically says that I have got to follow through with my tactics… And I did not, not even close… Like I started the Bible study and then I quit and went and did everything I said not to do… Basically I’m pretty dumb but y’know that’s nothing new…

I sat there and did nothing and convinced myself that I needed PMO

The only thing I’m not sad about is that I killed an evil crutch… I used NNN as a crutch that I would have lost going into December… So now I’ve got to really rely on GOD and my tactics…

Goodness, this isn’t going to be fun…

5 Likes

November 7th, day 0 of no PMO…
Welp as expected today I’m talking about relapses and how we should react to them! Also keep in mind I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if you may find something offensive or this a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

What is a relapse?

A relapse is endulging in any shape form or fashion of porn, masturbation, or an orgasm… This includes peeking and edging, because let’s be honest here… You can never win this addiction over while peeking or edging…

AHHH I RELAPSED WHAT DO I DO NOW??

First off stop freaking out that gets you nowhere…
Never EVER beat yourself up about it because this is what causes the chaser effect to take place…
I want you to begin by taking a very deep breath in and then release it slowly… Now, put on some music if you would like… Say to yourself that GOD’s got this at least 5 times… And then I want you to pray… Sit there and talk to GOD until you are 100% sure He’s listening even though he already is… I want you to really believe that! Yesterday we talked about failure… Well, now you have… What are we going to do about that? Exactly what you would have done to have overcome the fear before you relapsed… I want you to go read the Bible, I want you to pray, I want you to do a Bible plan and study with some friends… (That’s what I’m doing rn I’m texting my best friend about this) Because a failure is part of this non-linear journey to success… Now that you’ve done all that I want you to write down with pen and paper what you are going to do next time you get an urge and why you relapsed… This will be very useful to pull out if you’re tempted… There’s a lot more to this, but this is just simplified until I do a chapter on this in my book…

What am I going to do now?
This is my daily log so this doesn’t have to apply to you…
As I mentioned before I’m texting my best friend about how to wind down after being emotionally damaged… I’m also going to pray for a little while and write that piece of paper I talked about above…
Also a special thanks to @UntiltheEnd for the boost of confidence today, sorry I let you down brother… Love you man!

And I love all of you!!

ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!!!

1 Like

What an amazing diary you have

I may need to read some of this a few times.

I relapsed @ChristianMan today and feel sad.

I am starting my new job tomorrow and fear I may not succeed.

I feel high levels of negativity right now.

I learn slowly and maybe that’s why this addiction is taking me so long to escape from.

I can read tactics, advice, and ways to succeed, but I am poorly skilled in applying or implementing new ideas to help me succeed.

1 Like

It’s not really a matter of slow learning here… I dare say it’s because we’re so lazy and this addiction has driven us to a point where we sit around and do nothing until PMO wins us over… You’re not the only one struggling with this pal… I’m personally working on this as well and I will definitely update my progress here if you want to follow along with me!

Love you man GOD bless you!!

1 Like

Monday, November 8th 2021: Day 1 of No PMO
I’ve been thinking a lot today about what I want to do todays subject on… And I’ve decided on: Why does PMO look so good to us? Especially after a relapse when we don’t really feel too good about ourselves.
Alway keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if you may find something offensive or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

Let’s not deny this

Ok, this is going to be kind of a sensitive statement for a lot of people so just know that you don’t have to agree with me!
PMO is pretty physically pleasing!! It does feel good!! It’s very physically rewarding to the brain!

Now let’s take what I said, step on it, and then set it on fire

While PMO is very rewarding it is absolutely terrible!! Now, I’ve never done any but I’m going to use this as another example because it’s pretty much the same thing. Just because drugs make you feel that awesome high does not mean that it is right, in fact it actually physically will destroy you!! Same thing about PMO, but it mentally destroys you AND your view of either women or men! Plus there’s so so so so much in the Bible about sexual immorality and PMO definitely falls into that category!! I could go on and on about all the negative effects of PMO, but that is for another post!

Why does PMO look so pleasing and even feel more rewarding than other things that are way better??

Well… I only know limited amounts about the scientific effect on your brain, but I know enough to explain this. The first time you PMO it feels great right? That releases opoids, repeat this process over and over again and do you want to know what happens? Your dopamine system thinks that it doesn’t need to do as much work anymore and lowers it’s standards… So now when you want to get something out of life it’s super duper hard because your dopamine levels are low!! And even though there are things way more enjoyable than PMO, your brain doesn’t pick up on that because you are so highly addicted!

AHHHH NOTHING IS ENJOYABLE ANYMORE SO WHAT DO I DO TO FIX THIS?!?!?

Well, there’s at least 15 kajillion methods on how to overcome urges and reasons to stop so I want you to focus on those!! I’ve got quite a few of my own but that’s for another post!! I also want you to do a deep study on love and GOD’s love and find out what it means to you… And then I want you to pray on that!! I also want you to work on being independant and being content being single if you are currently!! Because when you understand that it’s ok to live without a partner It’ll move you that much closer to your success!!

What am I going to do now?
This is my daily log section so this doesn’t have to apply to you! I’m actually about to go jam with my band, but afterwards I’m going to pray and do some bible plans! I’m trying to be more content being single as I mentioned above so that’s what I’m currently working on!! I’m also going to make sure that I don’t relapse tonight whatever it takes!! I love all of you guys so much!!

ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!!!

4 Likes

Since u are an American , I have one doubt. At age 15 , Is it necessary that one has to look for a job along with studies. I also heard parents will leave you so that u will have an independent living.

@risinglion123 I don’t know where you got thay from but that’s all lies. First off, I don’t study! I couldn’t care less about school. Second, yes I will get a job at 15 but it’s not required. Third, no my parents wont abandon me, they probably want me to stay with them more to be honest… Except for my dad, my parents are divorced…

1 Like

Never expected that. I am sorry if you are offended by any means.

1 Like

Nah man it’s alright :slight_smile:

1 Like

November 13, Day 2 of no PMO
Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve done a daily post. Today we are talking about: How porn destroys your relationships!

Always keep in mind that I’m a Christian so all of my posts will contain information about my relationship with GOD so if this might offend you or this is a sensitive topic for you then you can click off now

What is pornography?

First I think this needs to be said even though you already know what it is. I’m just going to put my view of porn and call it what it really is.
Porn is pure evil
Pornography is high quality, recorded, scripted, and edited videos of all kinds of sexual encounters to entice people and tap into their dopamine system so the company makes money.

Why is Porn destroying my relationships?
Well, with the definition being thrown out there it should be very clear…
PORN JACKS UP YOUR IDEA OF PEOPLE!!
Every time you watch porn for pleasure you very quickly fall for their trap into making life all about sex. So while you’re enjoying yourself in the bathroom you forget that people exist. So the next time you want a relationship all you care about is how big their butt is and how long their penis is… And because porn is edited you think that the “sex” they show is actually acceptable. Let me make this very clear for you, IT’S NOT!!

Oh no what do I do now??

Call out your sin for what it is… Tell it to GOD, make sure He knows even though He already does. Confess it unto Him and let Him take it from you. Ask for His forgiveness wholeheartedly and believe so strongly in that moment that Jesus loves you and died on that cross so you could be free from this evil… Now I want you to forgive yourself for what you’re doing to your brain and your view of women. Pray. Pray like your life depends on it… I’ll put a prayer you can use at the bottom… Accept that you’re either going to fail or accept your past failures… Because if you never learn from those failures you aren’t heading towards freedom. Reflect on your past and make changes to your present.

What am I going to do now?
This is my daily log section so this doesn’t apply to you… It’s actually pretty late so I’m off to bed after this… But tomorrow I wake up and look for ways GOD’s going to use me… Because through my misery and hardships GOD’s glory will shine through… Lately GOD’s felt kind of distant and silent for me, but I read something today that’s really helped me: “the teacher is always quiet during a test” I think GOD’s testing me… I’m sure something big and amazing is going to happen…

My feelings today
I told my crush how I felt yesterday… I set myself up to win and lose by saying I liked her, but I’m trying to just be friends… She completely ignored that part of the text and it’s filled me with extreme sadness… I really want to be with her, but I also know that it’s best be friends with her and it’s killing me… I had a huge anxiety attack this morning and felt horrible… I’ve been bottling up my feelings a lot lately so that I don’t sin… My body is finding ways to let it out through depression and anxiety… Maybe tomorrow I’ll research this and talk about it… I’m just trying to understand my emotions right now and it’s a roller coaster… Taking it one step at a time though, beating addiction is my first step.

Prayer

GOD, I am a sinner… I struggle with pornography and masturbation and I know it’s wrong and you have better for me… GOD, I want you to destroy my heart and rebuild it 1,000 times stronger than before and so incredibly on fire for you and your love!! I want you to reset my sexuality… GOD I want you to delicately place relationships into my life that have real meaning and value and LOVE!! I want you to change me and to guide me in your word and to live it out every day!! I say this all in the name of your son Jesus and the sacrifice that he made for my eternal second chances, AMEN!

ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING

3 Likes