A New Life ( Diary , Male ) For Honour and Mental Fortitude

Study- 8 hours✅
Wake up early✅
Exercise- weight lifting✅
Meditation- :x:
Diet documentation- complete✅
Smartphone control✅
Brush teeth at night✅
Communicate with family✅
Clean up❌
Urges under good control✅
Read books before sleep✅

One hell of a day ! 8 hours of study… don’t even remember when I did that the last time. Studied medicine, finance and studied annual financial reports etc. Tomorrow, gotta go harder!

Pumped up for tomorrow.

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Lost the battle today…

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What happened bro :sweat_smile:
You mean lost the study battle or NF battle?

6 hrs 33 minutes for today.
And yes, I did lose the NF battle

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Study- 6.5 hours✅
Wake up early❌
Exercise- weight lifting❌
Meditation- :x::x:
Diet documentation- :x:
Smartphone control❌
Brush teeth at night✅
Communicate with family❌
Clean up✅
Urges under good control​:x::x:
Read books before sleep❌

The worst happened today. And that literally ended all my focus. It seems the level of self-control I am trying to develop needs a lot of minting. But for now, I need some timeout.

Study- 2.5 hours❌ need atleast 5 hours
Wake up early❌
Exercise- weight lifting✅
Meditation- :x:
Diet documentation-:white_check_mark:
Smartphone control❌
Brush teeth at night✅
Communicate with family❌
Clean up✅
Urges under good control​ :white_check_mark:
Read books before sleep✅

Working on trying to find my flow, although I was in control today. Atleast when it comes to urges, I triumphed. Need to slowly dig myself out to freedom.

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Study- 3.5 hours❌ need atleast 5 hours
Wake up early❌
Exercise- martial arts✅
Meditation-:x:
Diet documentation✅
Smartphone control❌
Brush teeth at night✅
Communicate with family✅
Clean up✅
Urges under good control​ :white_check_mark: :white_check_mark:
Read books before sleep❌

Was on a binge for the past few days. Back on track and absolutely hungry to improve.

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Nice :fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire:
I also want to learn martial arts especially after seeing shang chi :joy:

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Almost lost it… almost gave up. And then came back to the grind. The idea of self control once more ringing my ears. It’s never easy to be in absolute control. But I’m willing to wage this war.

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Study- 4 hours❌ need atleast 5 hours
Wake up early❌
Exercise- weight lifting✅
Meditation-:white_check_mark:
Diet documentation✅
Smartphone control❌
Brush teeth at night✅
Communicate with family✅
Clean up✅
Urges under good control✅ almost gave up
Read books before sleep❌

A great sense of joy. I almost did it… but I remembered my own words. Self-control… the greatest virtue of them all.

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Study- 6 hours✅
Wake up early✅
Exercise- :x:
Meditation :x:
Diet documentation❌
Smartphone control❌
Brush teeth at night✅
Communicate with family✅
Clean up❌
Urges under good control❌ lost the fight
Read books before sleep❌

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Feeling very much alone in this fight. Past few days have been difficult for me. I wish our community could meet each other face to face and help each other out when troubles surround us.
Self control is the determining factor for me. But how much can you control? What steps can one take to not act upon their impulses? It becomes truly overwhelming. I am having strange thoughts… that I am not worthy. The man I wish to be get farther and farther away from reach.
Has anyone felt like this before? What can one do?

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Do not give up. Do not change the very essence of what you are. You don’t have to. You are stronger than what you think you are.
Remember, what did you say about the future? That there is hope. No matter how little, but there is hope. You have hope in future technologies. You have hope that one day you will be able to rewire yourself. You have hope that you will become the person you wish to be. And then, there shall be the chase. Peak after peak after peaks. Every mountain you shall triumph. One after the other. Eternally.

Remember, the rock that is being constantly hit by the waves and disperses apart. That is what you must be. The rock that remains unaffected.

This pain will pass. It has to. No pain can sustain itself forever when the mind is unbreakable. But even if it is able to sustain itself forever…no matter. That is what you wanted, right? THE CHALLENGE THAT IT BRINGS. THEN BRING IT ON!!! ONE DAY WHEN YOU WILL MASTER YOUR MIND, IT WILL TURN ON ITS TAIL AND RUN.

READ WHAT YOU WROTE ABOVE. READ IT. READ IT IF YOU HAVE TO SUFFER FOR THE ENTIRETY OF TODAY. OR TOMORROW. BUT DONT GIVE UP.

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Acceptance is a defeatist attitude. Are you really going to abandon the mind that you cultivated for 25 years to accept something so shameless and degrading? NEVER!!

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Suffer today and live the rest of your life as a champion. Not just that, I am willing to suffer eternally for what I believe in. Until nature itself bends to my will, this war will go on.

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At this moment, consider yourself frozen in time. Your purpose has now become clear to you. There was one before, and now there are two. What has been happening for the past two days was not a curse, but a boon. You finally know now what you have to do. Creating your own world is not enough, to rewire your mind is imperative as well.

There once was a disease called plague that killed millions of people. And now thanks to medicine, it is in the past. There once were diseases like polio, smallpox, cholera, tetanus that were once incurable and fatal, but thanks to modern medicine have been brought under control. Bronchial Asthma, Leprosy, tuberculosis and plethora of diseases that caused untold misfortunes were brought under medical control. Even psychiatric disorders now belong to the realm of medicine instead of the occult. Do you really think that addictions will remain incurable forever? Do you really think that a day will not come when you will be able to completely control your Instincts, your addictions, your impulses?

There will come such a day. But until then, you must push yourself through this trial. Just like the rarest diamonds are found in the deepest mines, just like a gem retains its shine through frequent rubbing, so the best of men are brought out through the toughest trials. Be proud to be a part of it.

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Urges under control✅ No relapse

The only initiative I could take today. I failed everything else today. I will admit it. The past few days have been torturous. Lack of focus. Identity crisis. As if my entire reality has been challenged fundamentally. And yet I chose not to relapse. Because even though I feel like losing everything, there is still a glimmer of hope. A mere fraction of it. That I will be able to restore myself. My will, my identity, what I truly am. There is a faint hope that I will survive this ordeal. The man that I wish to be could be real. I hope to preserve that man forever. I wish to preserve that hope.

If I have to suffer every single day like this for eternity, if my sanity will be challenged like this forever, I accept it. I am willing to take that pain, make that sacrifice. But I will not betray the man I wish to be. I am willing to fight for that hope eternally.

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You are not alone bro, we are here, drop me a message when you feel like this, or just post here, I see your journal updates regularly.

I did, I felt the same when I relapsed last time, I introspected a lot, run my whole life in front of me, went to the root of the problem, like what happened to me that I turned to this addiction. Journalled about all of it in my offline journal, some of it was so deep and embarrassing I could never even think of posting it here, but giving a mindful thought to all of it helped me a lot. I even cried that day. Then meditated for like half an hour to calm myself down.

You are doing good bro, stay strong and keep going :muscle::fire:

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Thanks a lot, brother. It feels as if this stuff is changing some very fundamental aspects of my personality. Trying to turn me into something I am not and will never be. But I will not admit defeat. If I have to face these challenges forever… I am willing to do it every single day. And I know I will succeed… especially when I am here with friends like you.

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I can understand your pain @Samaranjay . I am going through some tough times myself. I still remember when I was younger I used to look at things differently. Before this p stuff happened, my idea of love was starkly different and more palatable. Something I was truly proud of.

Later when I started binging, I became more and more corrupt at heart and in my mind. I started slow, and my hunger for more brought me back to it again and again. Until I became desensitized to it.

Then I moved to more shameless stuff, more desensitization, this continued on and on. Until now, when I find myself out of control and inhumane. I wish I could resensitize and rewire myself to become what I wish to be, not what I have become.

I hope it is what you want as well, Samaranjay. To preserve the most essential parts of yourself, to preserve your drive for life and growth of human spirit. You have an idea of the person that you wish to be, encompassing all your essential aspects and virtues that you wish to channel on to the world. I have my own idea of a similar person that I wish to be. I want to emulate that person for eternity.

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