Day 13 , Feb 4 , Time : 14:05.
Well I usually post during the nighttime, but today it’s different.
Yesterday I checked my Instagram maybe for just 5 mins and checked few models but didn’t feel anything. Everything was in control.
Today in the morning I searched for swimsuit fashion on Youtube, I don’t know why but just happened automatically, without giving it much thought, I felt everything was in control, but everything changed when I found one of the models very attractive, I could feel the rear and middle back of my brain lighting up like a Christmas tree.
I closed the youtube video immediately and Oh god the next 2 hours were hell. It was like my brain was demanding and deceiving me to relapse and stop all this pain and return back to the safe place where everything is just perfect. The 2 hours were constant mental torture, I decided to play some music and start studying for GRE, but my brain was continuously projecting images and memories of explicit content. I was physically at my home but mentally in a torture room.
I understood that from the previous week, all those small urges culminated into this big urge. All those small urges were manageable till yesterday. But today It was very rough, my brain had got the better of me, and it had tricked me into checking Instagram and the video on youtube.
I had experienced this pain before, I would have relapsed but not this time. Previously I used to think that this urge is a signal from my body to me to masturbate and release all the sperm.
But at the beginning of this journey, I had done my due diligence. The good news is I didn’t relapse and I feel normal now, though the rear and middle part of my brain is feeling little light. I am in control.
From now onwards, If I slip a little (like checking models etc), that must be an indication that A huge urge is incoming and I need to be prepared and Extra careful.