A Monks Journal

Diary
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Day 1

Hi. I am planning to document my journey untill I reach 90 days of sobreity.

I am 24 years old working professional. Early 20s is supposed to be quite interesting patch in one life. But that’s not the case with me.

Its odd how lonely we have become with the advent of social media and smart phones. It’s quite depressing.

I have tried quitting ■■■■ many a times, but I have observed that usually I get bored and start getting urges. I was 11 years old when I first watched ■■■■ and it’s been almost 12 years I have been watching ■■■■.

I have decided on some alterations to eradicate this habit. Journalling is one of them.

Please wish me luck and strength for my reboot.

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I’m with you, bro!
It’s very true what you said about social media. I sometimes follow the lives of several people (not necessarily famous) but I’m alone at the end of the day. these people may be acquaintances of mine, friends, family, but few keep in touch and it’s just an illusion of company : (
(My English isn’t good, I hope it’s well written)

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Hi Thanks a lot for your support and thoughts. It really means a lot to me.

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Day 2

Felt good today.Also went to the gym( push day).

I am also researching on an action plan to tackle urges, though not strong now but later in 1-2 weeks they are going to intensify. I have decided on chewing gum, playing with sponge ball or watching a standup.

One interesting thing that I learned today is that the urges that kick in are actually the cravings , your body might not be recovered from the previous session, it is just the brain asking for more eventhough your body doesn’t want it.

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Day 3

Went for cardio today and had a very chill day at work.

From tomorrow onwards I am planning to continue my GRE preparation mainly focusing on the verbal part first.Since I relapsed last weekend I had no energy to focus on the preparation. I went into a spiral researching on how to tackle my addiction.

Also I am planning to purchase a physical journal and start journalling for goal achievement.

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Day 4

Felt little uncomfortable today, I felt urges creeping in. But got myself busy in setting up Habitica and preparing a playlist which will help in diverting my mind. I completed forgot about urges when I occupied my brain in work.

I find songs by Imagine Dragons, Coldplay and One republic to be quite effective. Weeknd is on a different echelon, it feels as if his voice descends from heaven and touches one’s heart. MJ, Queen,Elton John songs are gold.

Unfortunately I couldnt prepare for GRE. Will begin those tasks from tomorrow for sure.

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Day 5

Complete 40 vocab words and went to the Gym for Back and biceps, now I am really tired.

Also urges tend to creep in during the afternoon, but I try to ignore them and get busy with some work.

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I’m trying best to go out my comfort zone
This is 6 th day of no fab and it’s all going good🙃

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All the best Bro ! I hope we both complete our challenges.

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Day 6

Complete 40 vocab words and had a leg day at the gym.

Felt light urges in the afternoon but was able to manage them.

Also watched King Richards with my family.

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Day 7 , Jan 29,2022

Today was a rest day and a very lazy day. Urges were at the peak, turned to listening to music to avoid relapsing.

Something about you by rudimental , the video of the song is excellent for recovery from addiction.

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Day 9

Today was chest day, felt better at the gym was able to break previous week’s stats.

Urges come and go but I have managed to ignore them and let them pass.

Today I learned about an interesting technique , 5 second rule. So whenever one feels urges , they must countdown from 5 to 1. This helps bringing back the focus .

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Day 10

Had a hectic day today, couldn’t go to the gym or prepare for GRE.

I have a feeling that I am getting used to the No Fap lifestyle, it’s like I have forgotten about fapping.

But it is too early to comment, this sense of control can turn out to be treacherous.

One thing I have realised it is very important to ignore negative feeling just like one ignores urges.

Before reacting on negative things one must think if anything can be done or not to tackle an difficulty. If nothing can be done to make the situation better, its better to ignore.

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Day 11

Super busy day at the work, with new of mandatory 3 days work from office news coming in. I was devasted, it’s not that I don’t like going to the office but I don’t like this firm where I am working. Plus going to work is going to interfere with my workouts and my journey of self improvement.

It was a very tough news for me, got so much anxious, felt like I had to relapse but I rationalize for a moment and decided it’s not going to solve any problem.

Couldnt go to the gym because it got late,instead went for a 4k jog .

PS- It’s funny how yesterday I was confident that I had figure out how to be less anxious, but life throws curve balls.

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Day 12

Chill day at work and had a good back day at the gym. Completed 25 verbal words.

Though I checked instagram once in a while today, I was ok.

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Day 13 , Feb 4 , Time : 14:05.

Well I usually post during the nighttime, but today it’s different.

Yesterday I checked my Instagram maybe for just 5 mins and checked few models but didn’t feel anything. Everything was in control.

Today in the morning I searched for swimsuit fashion on Youtube, I don’t know why but just happened automatically, without giving it much thought, I felt everything was in control, but everything changed when I found one of the models very attractive, I could feel the rear and middle back of my brain lighting up like a Christmas tree.

I closed the youtube video immediately and Oh god the next 2 hours were hell. It was like my brain was demanding and deceiving me to relapse and stop all this pain and return back to the safe place where everything is just perfect. The 2 hours were constant mental torture, I decided to play some music and start studying for GRE, but my brain was continuously projecting images and memories of explicit content. I was physically at my home but mentally in a torture room.

I understood that from the previous week, all those small urges culminated into this big urge. All those small urges were manageable till yesterday. But today It was very rough, my brain had got the better of me, and it had tricked me into checking Instagram and the video on youtube.

I had experienced this pain before, I would have relapsed but not this time. Previously I used to think that this urge is a signal from my body to me to masturbate and release all the sperm.

But at the beginning of this journey, I had done my due diligence. The good news is I didn’t relapse and I feel normal now, though the rear and middle part of my brain is feeling little light. I am in control.

From now onwards, If I slip a little (like checking models etc), that must be an indication that A huge urge is incoming and I need to be prepared and Extra careful.

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Day 14,

Doing well, had a shoulder day at the gym.

Though my brain is constantly suggesting me to fap, I know that if I slip, I will have to restart my streak and I am bored of restarting and want to see progress.

I am not going to relapse, I have given a commitment to myself and it needs to be respected. It is important for my brain to realise that self improvement is the only way forward.

If I relapse then I won’t be able to take myself seriously and I am at a very important junction in my life and I need to act constantly on fixing my life.

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Day 15

Today was a rest day for the gym , but was very busy day at work.

I am am not getting much urges, but I am feeling as if I am stuck in time. Everything is moving on but I am only stuck in time.

Since porn was the only thing giving me bliss in the 12 years and I have abstained from it for 15 days, there is a void in my life and I have started to realise how much I have messed up my life. Mates who were ahead of me are now unreachable and friends who were with me are now ahead and if I don’t get out of this trap then they are going to be unreachable.

I need to slowly but steadily move ahead , every move is important in this precarious situation.

I have learned to appreciate the positive things in my life which I disregarded earlier, my family and my friends.

Now a days whenever I am doing any hard task, I keep 2 things in my mind - I am doing this so that my family becomes proud of me and because I want to enjoy with my friends guilt free and that can happen only if I get to their level.

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Day 16

Doing good, went for a jog.

Urges come and go and I am now getting used to it. Whenever I feel the urges , I fast-forward the process in my mind and realize how in the end I am going to feel pathetic and again continue with this cycle of restarting my streak and watch no fap videos.

I don’t have time for this business now.

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Day 17

Had a back day.

I have observed one thing , during the after noon period , I feel the urges and they are at the peak. That thing just troubles me during the day but once I go to the gym . After that it just disappears and I start to feel good.