There’s no need to lack respect for yourself. You’re simply at a point in your journey where you don’t know what to do next, at least that’s what it seems to me. I don’t know your whole situation, but a high ego and a low ego are both ego. Try meditation if you’re interested. It helps with letting go of emotions, including ego. Don’t lose ambition, but don’t think any less of yourself because of where you are in your journey. Just try to make good choices, one decision at a time, and don’t judge yourself. It’s easier said than done because I still do the same thing sometimes. Sometimes I just can’t seem to forgive myself for something I did earlier that day. I put myself down for it, and I find it hard to respect myself. Humility is thinking of yourself less, rather than thinking less of yourself. So stop thinking about how good or bad you are. Start thinking about the rest of the world and what your purpose is in it. I guarantee you that you will find it if you just listen to your gut. I don’t know what your gut is telling you, but it seems to me that your gut is telling you religion is the way to go. If that’s the case, listen to your gut and try praying to God for a bit, you don’t have to jump straight into church or anything. You can though, if that’s what your gut is telling you to do. From my experience and others (I learned to trust my gut based on advice from Dean Graziosi), trusting your gut is almost always the right thing to do. If it’s not working and you’re not satisfied, why not experiment? And if you’re satisfied, why change?
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023, 12:07 A.M.
I’m a fucking wreck… The fact that I’m swearing pretty much shows that, I don’t like to swear, but I feel like no other words can describe the state of my brain other than “a fucking wreck”.
WHO AM I???
I DON’T KNOW!!! I SWEAR I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON EVERY DAY AND I HAVE NO ANSWERS TO ANYTHING! AM I THE ONLY ONE LIKE THIS???
I must be crazy or something. I feel like shit. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I refuse to turn to religion. It’s too complicated and most of it’s a lie. Everybody believes that their god is the one and only true God, but here’s some news: SOME OF YOU ARE WRONG! My friend told me that whatever I feel is correct, but that’s bs. How I feel doesn’t even matter in the slightest. There is truth and there is falsehood, what I feel doesn’t affect either of those things. I can’t feel Christianity’s God to being the one true God. I can’t feel Allah into not being real. Something is true and I don’t know what it is. And I can’t even imagine getting wrong, because I won’t accept that. I won’t go my entire life devoting myself to something that doesn’t exist, and a lot of people are already doing that without even considering the possibility that they could be wrong. They are born in a religion and die in that religion without even thinking about the possibility that they grew up in a lie. All of that to say how the hell do I pick a religion? Because I can’t trust my feelings, feelings are weak and misleading. You want something to make you feel better so you make yourself believe something. I don’t do that, I think, I learn, I evaluate. I won’t allow myself to be wrong. I just want someone to think like me. You need to think. We have to find the truth.
I still don’t know why I’m doing NoFap anymore, and I’m just giving in to every urge that comes along. I don’t feel like fighting anymore.
What would younger me say to me now?
I’m not a good guy, I’m not a good friend, or boyfriend, or brother, or son. I’m a piece of shit and a liability.
I think about ending it all a lot, but I can’t do it because I’m too selfish, I want to live even though I don’t deserve too. Suicide used to be a selfless act. Honorable. Now it’s a sign of being a coward. If I killed myself I feel like I would be doing a service to the people around me, I would stop being a problem for them to deal with. They wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore, they wouldn’t have to waste their time or energy on me anymore. They wouldn’t have to waste anything on me anymore. But I can’t do it. I want to live, I want to make money, I want to be famous, I want people to like me, I want to have sex and do all the things my mother won’t let me.
And at the same time I hate everything I just said. I want to turn my life around, I want to study and learn and commit and find the answers. I want to follow my dreams and have fun. I want to wait until marriage for sex and I want to listen to my mother. But that seems too hard. So far out of reach. It would be much easier to just give up…
Is this who I am?
The guy who had huge dreams but never had the discipline to do them? That sounds like who I am right now.
Sorry this one was a bit long and depressing…
I wish this state of mind on no one.
Peace 
Tuesday, May 23, 2023, 12:29 A.M.
Being patient is the key to make yourself connect to God. When you sin too much then love of God also diminishes. Start from scratch do small good things in life and just don’t watch ■■■■ like vortexkicker. The main problem with us is that we are too in dopamine that we cant live without it. Just go with a day. Do little struggle with it. Just for a day. Your struggle is itself a proof that you love God but don’t get into the dungeon of Satan. He(Satan) will do it’s work to get out of God’s way but don’t you get lured by him(most cursed).
Thursday, May 25th, 2023, 2:43 P.M.
I hate who I’ve become. I used to be happier, I used to motivate people, but now I come here and complain about my life and talk about suicide. These are not the answers. This is not the way to live. I have to get back on track. I need to study and work and have better habits. I’ll keep you guys posted because I’m busy today. I’ll catch up with you guys later.
Thursday, May 25th, 2023, 2:45
Monday, June 5th, 2023
I haven’t been active here for a while, and I haven’t been updating the counter much, so if anyone thinks I was doing better I wasn’t. I’ve been endulging in PMO whenever I feel like it. I lost my motives. I quit caring. I don’t even know why I should do NoFap anymore. It used to be because I was Christian, but I’m not anymore so it feels useless to try. I started working harder on something I’m really passionate about and it’s not going well so I feel like crying. I’m out of shape and consuming really unhealthy foods. My room is a mess, but I’m cleaning it today so that’s okay. I’m just not very happy. Nothing seems to be going right and getting older is scary. My brain is a mess and I’m trying to ignore my problems, but it’s not going well. Hoping things start looking up. I really hope they do. Any advice is appreciated but like 2 people will see this and their first language won’t be english so they won’t understand anyways. Sorry if I’m being negative I know it doesn’t help.
Fix the most fixable thing first. What your brain is doing now is called Catastrophising. It is not all that bad. You have your body alright, you can do wonders. In my opinion, fix your sleep, start eating healthy, and stop caring about too many people and too many things. Focus on what you can do. Remember and relive your days of glory in your mind. Start with all your dedication on that one thing you can fix and when it is fixed, get down on another. Don’t think too much. Neither past nor future, just keep doing ONE thing properly until your reach the light at the end of the tunnel or the dead end. If you reach the light, well done. IF you reach the dead end, blast it open with the force of your dreams and move on.
Let’s forget everything and i challenge you for 1 hour abstinence. are you ready?
Sure I can do one hour. Starting now.
Congrat we done for more than an hour if we can do for an hour then we are good
Not every hour is the same man. I’ve been busy for a while. I’m not always busy
Not every hour is the same but in 24 hours of you can do for one hour or even 10 minutes or less than 10 minute then Inshaallah you can go for a longer time whether you are busy or not.
Friday, June 9th, 2023
Every update I get worse. I’ve lost all of my grounding. I used to have beliefs and values that I held onto. Now I have nothing. I know nothing. I have fallen into the same pattern of PMO everyday and I’m simply not happy anymore. I quit trying to stop PMOing a while ago. I just do without thinking. It’s awful. I’ve lost feelings for my girlfriend almost completely and I don’t know if it’s PMO or something else. Nothing feels worth it. I don’t know what to do with my life. It feels like nothing I do will ever really matter. I’m only here for a short amount of time. Does what I do really matter? What’s the purpose? I don’t understand how an athiest can even live. Without a God there’s no purpose right? I’ve refused to go to God, but now I feel there is no other way, and I’m still avoiding God. Something is wrong with me. I need help. Severely.
Sometimes you gotta feel the pain to remember or to find new footing.
Message me personally. We can discuss and find out what is going wrong.
Listen to this podcast when you find the time. It helped me, and I think it can help you. This podcast has like 7 episodes and they dive super deep into purpose and meaning. Just give it a try, find some free time to just listen to this: https://qcpodcast.gospelinlife.com
Tuesday, July 11, 2023
It’s been a while… I quit updating my counter a while ago and finally decided to reset it. I have been doing okay, if anyone really cared. I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily happy, but I’m not really depressed anymore. I don’t think about suicide as much anymore and I’m doing some things that I love and that’s made me feel better.
During the time I’ve been gone I decided that I wasn’t a Christian anymore, so that’s where I stand spiritually right now. I’m not religious.
I’ve been working on a project that I’m really passionate about, but just hadn’t been doing for a while.
I’m more comfortable with my body now, and I got a haircut and shaved so I look a lot better.
I decided to wait until marriage to do anything physical with my girlfriend so I’m trying to stop doing things with her now, and not go any further.
About addiction:
I’m still addicted, it’s pretty bad. I still want to stop. It’s draining and it’s fake and I wish to quit. But I just haven’t put in the work for it. It’s something that I think about and want to do but never put it into practice because whenever an urge hits me I just don’t care in the moment and my shields go down. The forum has not helped me at all. I left for about a month and not a single person messaged me or asked if I was okay or anything. And I didn’t find anything useful here to read or anything like that.
With that being said I think I’m done here. I may come back every now and then to update how things are going or to chat with my accountability partner (if he doesn’t disappear again), because if I’m being honest I have no influence here. I’m not helping anyone here and no one is helping me, so I don’t see any reason to stay.
I’ve really enjoyed my time here. I loved this place like a year ago, but it’s just not the same anymore.
To everyone that’s still trying, I believe in you. You have the power to stop at any moment. And you can do it. Just keep trucking and never let anything knock you down so hard you don’t get back up. Always get back up and fight harder.
To everyone who helped me in the past, you guys are awesome. You’re truly an inspiration and I hope you find happiness in life. You deserve it, everyone deserves it.
That’s all from me.
Goodbye
Hey guys it’s been a minute… I guess I thought leaving would help, but Idk… I’m really mad that I came back and not a single person messaged me or reached out but it’s whatever Ig. I just need a new accountability partner. Someone who will actually check in on me and make sure I’m ok. So if anyone wants to be mine please message me. I’ll fill you guys in on what’s been going on some other time bc no one really cares. So yeah. I’m back Ig. Please reach out to me. I need someone to talk to…
Minor setback today. I let myself get in a weird spot emotionally and made a dumb decision. I won’t let this happen again. I gotta lock in. Let’s keep going bros.
I am a monster. That is how I feel. The things I did today for gratification can only be labled as disgusting and horrific. If you were to watch that shit in the 3rd person you would want to throw up I’m sure of it. I want to change somewhere I know I do. If I didn’t want to change then I wouldn’t feel this way. Something needs to change. I have weakened my defenses. I’m easy to break now. Easy to fail to temptation. I need help. But only I can help myself truthfully. I must think. I must do. I CANNOT allow this to be who I am anymore.
You have successfully taken the first step in taking responsibility for your actions. Now you have to produce results. Don’t worry, try to think with a calm mind and don’t over exaggerate things. Things will be much simpler