A Day in a Fighter's Life (Diary)

Sure akhi i will keep this habit all my life

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April 29: A Day With Friends
DAY 18

Dear Diary,
I successfully finished my 18th day away from porn. I am very proud of myself!
I woke up today, attended my lectures, and due to little sleep, I slept for a couple of hours after my lecture ended. I then went with my friends for a night, where we ate, played billiard and had a cup of coffee. It was a great day, and thankfully I had no urges.

I am Still Standing Strong SSS
See you in a new experience

April 30: Motivated
DAY 19

Dear Diary.
I was never more motivated than I were today. I took enough sleep, woke up a bit late (before iftar in 1 hour). Then at night I prayed and studied.
Hope this feeling remains.
SSS
Meet you tomorrow.

Dear Diary,
So, I left this forum for 2 days.
I am back now!
Will update you, diary, with my thoughts in the past 2 days shortly soon…
Stay Tuned

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RELAPSE
Chapter 1: SUCCESS

Dear Diary,
The previous month was an accomplishment to me. At the start of Ramadan, I started a new page in my life. I wanted to get rid of this addiction.
I succeeded, and my path seemed obvious…
20 days passed with very good results: No Porn. As for urges, they were always there, but my plan was good to stop them.

  • Help family
  • Do push-ups, or exercises
  • Have a cold shower
  • Go pray and make dua…

I had high spirits and my religious work in this month kept any relapse away.
I should not forget this great forum that helped me and supported me…

I was 7 days away from breaking my highest no porn record of 27 days. Accomplishment, wasn’t it? Or, that’s how it seemed…

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RELAPSE
Chapter 2: LUSTFUL

Since the start of May, I haven’t written anything.
I have been in a very hard and difficult situation.
I had studies from one side, making me stressed, and sleep deprived, and then several urges from another. Urges were pushing me towards watching, peeking or whatever that is called. I fought back. I remembered how my progress has been and how I could, for the first time since a long time ago, I can live a whole Ramadan without watching porn.
Urges returned.
I fought.
My mind kept thinking nonstop. How can I fight this urge? Am I really falling?
I don’t think so. I can fight back.

Then I peeked. I felt like my hands started searching for old stuff, and whenever I see something in front of me, I close everything. I had a battle in my mind. My good side is telling me to stop and continue this path, and my bad, evil side is telling me to peek.
I did this several times. But man, each time I peeked, dopamine increases, and this pulls me towards peeking more…
I decided to return back to the forum, get motivated and ask for help. I HAD TO PUT THIS TO AN END.

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RELAPSE
Chapter 3: THE ACT

The last 10 days of Ramadan started. My spirits got higher. I shouldn’t miss this great night. I shouldn’t miss the opportunity that I will pass a full Ramadan without an immoral video.
But urges were always there. And this time they got stronger.
My mood was not supporting me: I was sleepy, sleep deprived, and stressed. Urges get activated faster and easier…
I was supposed to have a plan ahead of me to fight back any urges, and I tried following my plan, but I think the plan was missing something.
Urges started increasing. They never left my mind. I started fantasizing, dreaming, and lustful thoughts were always there in my mind.
I tried several ways to stop them, but couldn’t.

And in May 05. After 22 days 20 hours of No Porn, I relapsed.
But how did I relapse? I think I gave up. Yes, I gave up to urges. I felt weak.
They say porn is entertaining? Yes, but only for the first couple of minutes. When the relapse is done, regrets start…

Now, I have 2 fights ahead of me: the first being to know what made me relapse, and the second being to make sure I don’t fall into the so-called Chaser Effect.
Till then, take care. I have fallen, but you shouldn’t.
Keep fighting…

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Chapter 4 is on its way… When I fix my mistakes, regain my power, and reorganize my thoughts…

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PORN IS DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU TRAPPED, THE MORE YOU DO IT THE MORE DEEP YOU BECOME TRAPPED

DON’T GIVE UP AKHI, DON’T FALL INTO CHASER EFFECT, MY DEEP REQUEST TO KEEP YOURSELF HIGH ALERT FOR ATLEAST RAMADAN FINISHES, IT WILL HELP YOU TO GET AWAY FROM CHASER EFFECT, IN SHA ALLAH.

DM ME I WILL TRY TO HELP IN ANYWAY I CAN.

IN FACT IT IS RECOMMENDED TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH ANOTHER NOFAPPER DAILY ATLEAST TILL YOU REACH A CERTAIN NO. OF DAYS.

I AM IN TOUCH WITH ANOTHER BROTHER CURRENTLY, BUT I WILL STILL LEND IN A HAND,
IN SHA ALLAH

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RELAPSE
Chapter 4: MIXED FEELINGS

Dear Diary,
What am I supposed to tell you? Should I tell you I feel better? Then that would be a lie. I never got better. I still remember the moment I relapsed. It wasn’t worth it at all. I didn’t feel any entertainment. 1 moment of happiness got followed by 100 others of depression, regret and shame.
I have never felt that bad after a relapse.
When I relapsed after my first ever trial of NoFap, after 27 days of happiness, I was destroyed. I was thinking now, what made me relapse that day? I had thoughts. Same exact reason how I relapsed that day. However, previously I used to watch movies, series and spend lots of time on Instagram. Now I deleted Instagram, and stopped watching movies and series, completely.
So what is different? Was it that my hope and energy to continue declined? Impossible, I was the happiest person ever. I was very happy and satisfied. I lived 22 days of my new life. I saw how it would be. Man, whenever a girl passes by me, I get hard. Now, everything different.

Ok, so you’re waiting for me to tell you I feel better? No, I did not lose hope yet. I am strong. I am not the first person to relapse, and won’t be the last. Then, a relapse did teach me something. I need to reorganize my thoughts and see what I did wrong.
And as someone once told me:

There is nothing called a bad relapse if it did teach you something.

I hope, this relapse teaches me something. And I hope I return back stronger. I only live life once, and I shouldn’t waste it on some aimless fantasies that makes my God mad at me.

Dear self,
Allow me to tell you that this here is something to keep for you. Whenever you feel an urge or that you will relapse, read this.
Read what you have written and how you feel.
Read what a relapse made you do.
Read Relapse, and learn from it to not start writing RELAPSE 2.0

I am back, stronger and wiser!

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Keep going brother, kill the lust.
May Allah make it easy for us

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I said I am back. And I am!

Today I finish my 10th day streak! It has been an accomplishment after the disappointment I had on myself because of the last relapseat day 23.

I am now back again, and will take this challenge slighty differently. I will:

  • write a diary on a DAILY BASIS This is because this diary can help me stay away from porn…
  • workout everyday. I will take this as a challenge and habit. I used to workout daily but stopped. I am back.
  • reduce my YouTube usage. I have successfully cut off all social media, and am left with: Whatsapp, which I use for friends, Telegram, which has many useful channels and i use it for university, and YouTube, which is becoming a stronger trigger day by day…

So, as a backup to how my journey has been so far, here is a recap…

Day 1-3 I felt good and full of hope.
Day 4-8 I travelled with my family and spent lots of valuable time…
Day 9-10 I am back, but have lots of study. So I am busy with studying… Finals are on their way and I should work harder…

Hello everyone,

I am very disappointed and ashamed to say this.
Yesterday, I was celebrating my achievement to reach 10 days. But, in the last couple of hours, I do not know what happened to me. I felt very weak. My patience and focus suddenly disappeared.

I RELAPSED

This was not this type of urge that kept around for so long and got stronger by time till I relapsed. I was very in control of myself. I had very weak urges that I was able to get rid of. But I just felt very weak. I unconsciously with no reason chose to relapse…

I never knew a simple Google Ads may get me aroused. This time not social media which always got me, not YouTube which I started slowly reducing my time on, a simple Google Ads. It is very disappointing to say this and it also feels much more disappointing after I broke my streak because of a regular ad on a regular website. What is more disappointing is that the website I used is for my studies…

Since the start of my journey, I rarely made it past the 10 days streak, and here I fall again AT DAY 10

I am very confused with what happened.

This won’t get me down, and I will start over. There are 2 choices ahead of me; either I will stop, or never stop, and I am not this type of person who would give up that easy and stay surrounded by failure forever.

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Assalamu alaikum brother, don’t fall into chaser effect, my desperate request to you, get up and move, don’t look back on that relapse, on that disappointment which you did not expect, I know that feeling, even I relapsed after 24days for no reason, I mean the urge wasn’t that strong, but I did not make any effort to get rid of the urge, I could have called a friend and he will pick the call, I could have texted, I could have taken a cold shower, I could have atleast gone to toilet and the urge would have gone away as my bladder was full at that time as soon as I got got from sleep,

So right now after relapsing, this is the moment your emaan will be very weak, don’t wait, take ghusl, then pray salat tawbah, then do istighfaar, read Quran, drink lots of water, go out for some time and come back, so to avoid immediate guilty lonely feeling, also tiredness and numbness will be there after relapsing, so do these things.

And get out of this 5 to 10 day streak, we are stuck in chaser affect for months and months, by chance we make a streak of 3 weeks or a day more than that and that’s it, chaser effect follows again…

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Dear brother @slave_of_allah

Thank you for your post. It really gave me hope and made my day.
I really do reflect on what you said, and will be more careful now…

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I will actually take this post as a daily reminder, andwill read it everyday.
I really do thank you for this great post that is full of hope…

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Good luck brother keep going💪

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I may seem I left, but I am back now :muscle:

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