82nd day and this is whats going on with me

Current streak : 82 day. This is my longest streak. Second longest was 15 days.
I am 28 years old, from India.
Reason for quitting : Porn, when i came across nofap, I thought no m not addicted, can easily stop M but no,I tried but I couldn’t. My life was full of flirtings with many women, gf after gf, fun in a sexual way, or always looking for sexual fun and I want a break from all that, properly focus on myself, deal with my emotions in the right way other than masturbating when I am bored or stressed or talking with a girl and making it my goal to impress her, and that taking all my focus, energy and being my eventual goal and if that one falls, onto another. I mean its like a side project, a hobby, something I do to pass my time, but after doing it for 10 years, its so hard to stop. Plus, I have anxiety, brain fog, a guilty feeling always in my mind, asking myself what are you doing? Is this really necessary?

Life with nofap, the positives: I hardly get brain fog, I think clearly than before, stopped literally everything, no contact with girls, just trying to enjoy by myself without the M, P and the girls. Its important to explore yourself, life is not just about those three. Sometimes I feel like I am in route to be a new and improved version of myself. I lost this feeling of being shy to speak up. For example, i can never tell my parents certain stuff, but now I dont care, I am speaking up, or even telling my dad… Dad you shouldn’t be doing this or that, mom is getting worried, you need to think about her too, this is a family, not always what you want. I mean I am like am I a grown up? Because a year ago, there is no way I will talk this way. Last night I almost got a wet dream, and about the girls I see in those dreams, I feel they are way too hot to an extent that I couldn’t control myself. My senses are heightened. Before me couldn’t controlling myself never happened in real life or in dreams.
The negatives : I am having this anger, shouting at people, which is totally unlike me.I am generally the calmest person, Is it me or the covid or the quitting doing it? Not having people to Share these stuff with, especially girls is not helping too. But I am determined to stay away from them. Today I wokeup wanting to have fun by flirting with people online… Half hour later, that feeling went away and I am back to wanting to be without all those.
The worst : I brokeup with my girl. We had this toxic relationship, I stayed even when I knew this. But quitting gave me the clear mind and I saw things practically as well as emotionally and I could see break up was the right thing to do. She was hurt badly and so was I. I am still not over her, happened like 3 weeks ago. And later now, I am realizing that I became like her in certain things, not the good ones. I have to find my way back to being myself.

I know this is like a story, probably this is me sharing to you guys, tell me about the anger part mainly, and give your opinions on anything. Thanks.

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Don’t give up bro. Things will get tough before they improve @JonSnow001
About your gf- if you don’t see yourself marrying her, then leave it. You admitted that the relationship was toxic. Don’t chase girls, chase goals, like you have been doing.

Don’t edge bro. I don’t think you are, but if you are, don’t.

About aggressive nature- I think that’s a combination of being locked up in this covid and your natural testosterone increase due to noFap. Try meditation or conscious breathing. Workout or play a sport to release energy. Eg. I go play pick up basketball games with people so I don’t have excessive energy since excess energy --> restlessness --> relapse.

Keep going bro.

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Thanks a lot!! Your reply was a lot positive. That helped.

And no, definitely not edging. Before, I used to get blue balls between a week and 15 days, and they don’t go away unless I relapse. Once blueballs stopped happening, there’s no way I can edge. That puts my streak at risk.

Gf thing, If I marry her, I wouldn’t be happy, I never promised I would marry her, yet I find her sweet irrespective of the toxic nature… Which is why it is super hard to move on from her.

Yeah I understood what you are trying to say about the aggressive nature, I am working out in the evenings but I think I have to find something else to release my energy.

Thanks again for the positive words :slight_smile:

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