[46M] Wander's Diary

Hello all,

I really like to share my thoughts and observations, but don’t want to send lots of posts to the bulletin board and annoy others. So, this will be my new place to share and, hopefully, connect with others.

If you find something useful or can relate to something I share, please tell me. I want to make some friends here to get to know and maybe encourage one another.

More to come.

Be well. Stay strong.

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All the best sir for your journey

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DAY 5

I woke up this morning and it took a moment to remember that I still had my sobriety. This made me very happy. It’s been a very long time since I felt this, as most mornings I wake up feeling hung over and depleted from the previous night’s activities.

A little about myself - I am currently 46 and have been addicted to pornography since around 10-12 years old. I developed a high libido several years prior, but hitting puberty made my cravings much more intense.

For me it started with momentary glimpses of R rated movies. The real moment my addiction took hold was one day when I was walking home and found a stack of very explicit magazines on the side of the road. I still remember the rush of adrenaline I felt. I grabbed them and found a hiding place for them near my home. I spent many hours looking at them. I regularly went back looking for more and did find some over time.

I eventually showed them to friends and they shared theirs with me. It quickly felt like something all kids my age did. I was around 12 or so.

I became obsessed with the rush it gave me. I have never tried hardcore drugs like heroin, but I can understand how people can immediately become addicted, always trying to chase that euphoric feeling.

This is a diary, so I will tell my story over time. Writing it all at once would be difficult, since I have been dealing with my addiction for around 35 years. If you are interested, I hope you will return. I plan to post at least once a day if I can.

Thank you. Be well. Stay strong. :heart:

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Another post for today. I was reading through some of my posts here from years ago and found this one. It seems surprisingly relevant. It’s from approximately 2 years ago. For me, it is a reminder of just how significant our unconscious mind is. Always watching and remembering.

“So, last night I found myself browsing a site that is not completely a porn site, but definitely has a lot of content. Not going to name it here. I was on there for probably 15 minutes. Scrolled by lots of triggering content, but did not stop to fixate on it. Suddenly realized the ridiculousness of my behavior and closed everything. Last night I had a dream where I was giving in to my addiction. I felt shame and embarrassment. When I woke up and realized it was a dream, I was so grateful that I had not given in. My brain was letting me know that even that small amount of exposure had a significant impact on me. It is a good reminder to never let my guard down. Thanks for reading. Stay strong!!!”

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