April 11 - 2 days ago my wife messaged me at work, are you looking at porn again? Don’t lie, I already know… just be honest. I initially went on the defense, WTF, WHY… I fessed up… I was hesitant to give any details. In the past anytime this came up she just asked me to be honest. It was always when I was confronted which always led to her threatening to leave. It made me fearful to admit anything, even when I wanted to out of fear and shame. I’m not saying she is in the wrong. She is well within her rights. The fear and shame made me bury my pain and lies. I would lie to myself, it’s just one slip up… Ok it’s not that bad it’s just this one time. While the frequency and time spent had become next to nothing in comparison to what it had been 5, 10 years ago.
She asked me to watch Don Jon because that’s what she thought it was like, what she imagined me being like. While I related to him, he was an extreme. I’ve spent the past few days reading, watching ted talks, YouTube confessions, videos on effect on the brain, the science of addictions, the relation of porn addiction and shame.
I want to beat this addiction, I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of lying, I’m really fucking tired of being ashamed. I am not religious, I’m agnostic. There is no religious backing to my desire to get above this problem. I need to save my family and the relationship with my wife. I need to be a better father to my kids, I’m tires of the shortness, the yelling… I need to be better. I have already accepted she is likely done with our marriage. I am devastated but my resolve has never been stronger.
My brother in law is a recovered heroin (and other drugs) addict, my sister in law is a recovered alcoholic. I’ve been considering talking to him about being my accountability partner. I have had my battles with drugs and drinking. I smoked cigarettes for 10 years, I drank to excess, I smoked weed all day everyday for many years. I’m high school I experimented with hard drugs. I never felt addicted to any of those things. I got tired of them… I stopped. But I never had a bag of weed in between my thighs.
When your tool for addiction is within arms reach it’s a lot harder to overcome. I stopped using back I’m 2008, I relapsed once with weed around 2009/2010. I seperated from the group of friends permanently shortly after that. I have tried to fill my life with new habits. I’ve tried to move into healthy addictions, working on my car, meeting with friends and driving in the back canyon roads, bbq, baking. One of the problems I’ve induced with this is an addiction to social media… Facebook and Instagram mostly. I’ve deleted everything else but those 2.
My point here is that I am prone to addiction and excessive behaivor. I’m difficult to talk to, I am not that great at social interactions or maintaining relationships.
I have a lot to learn and fix.
April 11 evening - Good day with the wife. Smoked a tritip and had a nice family dinner. We are still acting seperated but her anger has subsided enough. I kept busy with some projects on the house. I was watching a YouTube video on porn addiction and had a revelation about my first interaction with a porn magazine and subsequently the friend that introduced me sexually abused me. It all came back like a wave, I had blacked it out. Years of porn, drugs, drinking, sexual partners… Anyway. I asked if she would speak with me and told her everything I could think of. It was hard but it felt good. She had been abused as a child as well and related, she warned me that there maybe flashes over the next few weeks.
I feel like it was a good day. I have a lot to work on. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Thanks for the responses. They mean a lot.
April 12 - Spent the morning with the wife and kids, made them all breakfast and took a family picture. Wasn’t expecting the wife to hope in. That was a nice surprise. Did a few quick projects around that house I hadn’t done. Went to go now the lawn real quick and the mower wouldn’t start after sitting all winter. Wife came out to see how it was going and saw how frustrated I was. She has been a lot nicer after our talk last night and said she was just hurt. While she meant what she was saying she didn’t mean to be so mean about it.
Anyways, she gave me a hand draining the gas from the mower and while I pulled off the carb and fuel lines to clean them she pulled weeds and we chatted. It was really nice.
I came back in and made an amazing dinner. Got a bit buzzed and decided to knock out 4 or 5 quick projects we had sitting around. Made her really happy which in turn has made me happier. I’ve been cautious to not let myself get ahead of where I am. It’s been only a few days now. It’s a long road ahead but unlike previous times, I am focusing on me and the problem not just trying to win her back.
Stay healthy all
April 13 - Another rough one in the books. My wife last night couldn’t stand to be around me and went to bed crying. I followed her in and asked her if she was ok and ended up talking for a few hours. I released more information, stuff I had been holding back. Why I keep holding back stuff? I know one reason is shame. It’s fucking embarrassing. Another is it’s been so much shit for so many years that I have a hard time distinguishing what happened when… how long it has been. I just really don’t know.
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I so badly want to be better and I want to be honest about everything. She is pelting me with questions about everything I have ever done, including before we were married. I’m really trying to answer everything. Some stuff I just flat out don’t remember. I partied a lot in highschool and my early 20s. A lot of the shit I was doing was under the influence.
She’s been asking me questions evening at work and she just told me she feels like I’m still hiding stuff… honestly I don’t really know sometimes. I feel like I’ve made a huge step and said all the things I’ve done. And she goes… What about ______? And then my heart sinks and I realize yet again… something I’ve done.
Today I was asked if I’ve ever been with a guy, no. Asked repeatedly if I cheated, no. Asked about being in a 3 way… Back in high school ya. She just told me she has had a tracker for my web browsing and social media. Ok… I mean at this point what the fuck do I even do. I feel like everything’s falling apart and I’m just stuck in the building as it crumbles on top of me.
I really have no clue what to do at this point. I want to be honest but I feel like I’m under attack. I feel like I’m trying to admit my faults and work on coming clean and everytime I have a breakthrough or realization I just get smacked back down about what a piece of shit I have been.
Really losing it right now