@Sacred and @Forerunner:
Thanks for your encouragement guys! I really appreciate it. I’m glad I’m aware of that difficult state and I’m glad I talked about it yesterday. This gives me a chance to change something and to avoid the relapse.
Today I made a step in the right direction. I practiced a lot and reminded me of my life vision. And I didn’t indulge in fantasies when something popped up in my mind. But I browsed the internet too much at work and neglected my work. I wasn’t on any tricky websites but still. It’s not a good habit.
I think I’m out of that “pre-lapse” state I talked about earlier this week. I incorperated more good habits in my life again and I feel like I have total control again. That’s no reason to let my guard down and I need to be mindful about it, but I’m in the right track again.
There’s a new potential threat now because I had insomnia the last two nights. I slept three hours last night and two hours the night before. It drains my energy and potentially my willpower. I hope I’ll be able to sleep better tonight.
Oh man, what a day. In my last post I wrote that I’m out of that pre-lapse state and today I was closer to relapsing than every other day this year. I woke up at around 3 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. After 5 AM or so I fell back asleep and before I woke up again I dreamt about relapsing. It was 100% real. In the dream I sat in front of a computer and was at a website I used to go to in order to PMO very often. I recognized the women I saw there and it seemed just totally real.
After waking up I was glad it was only a dream, but it really triggered me. The scene in my dream came back into my mind and I struggled with fanatsies. Around noon I tried to go to a porn site on my phone. I have the browser and the App store deactivated on my phone and I have an App Lock so I can"t change the settings. In the past I always found a way around and I’m sure I would’ve found a way this time as well. I tried to go around the app lock for two or three minutes and then I thought to myself “Dude, what are you doing here?” I thought about how I had to report that relapse in the Hero’s 90 day challenge and how I would’ve reset my counter. That was the thought I needed. I put my phone away and exercised and read a book instead. I didn’t go to a porn site. The settings on my phone and the thoughts about the consequences rescued me.
I’m glad I didn’t relapse but in my mind I choose to relapse for a few minutes. I had enough clearheadedness left to pull myself away from that situation. But what it shows me is that I’m not safe and triggers can always hit me. Yesterday I felt fairly safe and in control. One sexual dream and some fantasy later that self-control diminished (fortunately not completely). The next few days I have to be extremely mindful.
That takes extreme effort to snap yourself out of. That’s a win in my eyes. Congrats on keeping your streak intact. Hope you gave some thought into what you can do differently next time to avoid getting that close to relapsing again. Sure sexual dreams give everyone problems, but maybe you need a method to control your thoughts when you do have those fatansies playing out in your head.
@Adioz
You’re right. Thinking about the consequences is mindfulness. I guess that’s an improvement. In the past it often felt like I’m in autopilot.
With click-bait articles I mean articles on the internet where the headline is very “sensationel” to make sure people will read the whole text. It’s something like “10 best ways to…”. And sometimes there’s some triggering and sexual content. You read a normal text and on the side there’s a link to an article with a headline like “The 10 best nude scenes in Hollywood movies” or something like that.
I guess the solution here is being more mindful about my internet use. This happens when I’m bored and I browse the internet mindlessly and without any purpose. I should think about healthy alternatives to do when I’m bored. Reading, listening to a podcast, going for a walk for example.
@Sacred
Yes, I agree that it’s a win and I’m really glad. At the same time I’m a little shocked that it was so close. When I’m starting to fantasize I use the practice we do in the Hero’s 90 day challenge and it was really helpful so far. Yesterday for whatever reason it didn’t come to mind. Well, it did but late. That probably needs more practice and patience until it becomes an automatism.
I also think mediation is a very useful tool here.
Just stumbled upon your diary, don’t have much time since I’m at work, but wanted to let you know to not bear yourself up too much. Take a walk outside and remind yourself of all the things you have accomplished so far, compared to where you were a few years ago. It’s just one relapse and so many many wins. Keep going!
Relapsed yesterday as well and that thought is what kept me from falling into a pit of self pity and shame that would’ve just dragged me down. Feel incredibly good today!
All the best
@Luke don’t worry , the goal is to stay clean. Don’t let emotions control you. You are a strong man.
And practice daily meditation , it takes time to show results but once it becomes a habit , you will have an unbreakable will.
@amadeus and @tuku
Thanks for your encouragement guys!
Today was difficult. But I didn’t act out again. This is an opportunity to prove to myself that I’m strong enough not to turn it into a binge. I keep going.
We’re here with you Luke, we all know how hard it is getting back up again. Proud of you for getting right back into action - that first day is very difficult!
You can do this brother. You’ve gone further than most of us ever have. You can surely take what you’ve learned and overcome this once and for all.
I managed to keep it at this one relapse. The first days were hard but now I’m on day 7 again. It’s important to me that I didn’t binge because that’s what I did a lot during the second half of last year. I felt hopeless because I had no self-control. It’s good to know that I don’t have to hit rock bottom in order to get back in the horse.
I started a 30-day yoga challenge last Sunday. I usually try to do yoga once a week and I feel good and more relaxed afterwards. So I thought “I wonder what will happen if I do this every day for a month?” So I try it. The old Nike slogan: Just do it.
