Hello, My name is Sdom. I’m a man, 32 year years old. (sorry if my writing is not the best, I’m not a english native)
I have been a porn addict for 15 years. I think it is the first time I count the years I’ve been watching to this shit. It is a long time, more than half of my life. I realized I was a porn addict around five years ago, but I accepted around 2 year ago.
So far, so bad. I haven’t been able to quit porn. I watch porn in an average of 2 to 3 times a month. Before I got married on february 2018, I said to myself “ok, now it is time to quit”. For me, PMO is a sort of cheating. Then I got married and I lasted around 1 month clean, and of course, that first married fall, felt terrible. That was the moment when I said to myself, “no matter I want to quit PMO, I Can’t”. I realize that the reason I was watching to porn was because I was an addict, not because I want it.
I started to read about porn addictions. Also I discovered that I use PMO to escape from stressful situations from work duties. So, any difficult moment, I just need a dose of dopamine to go on. But actually I go backwards in all of my life aspects.
I realized everything in my life it is getting messy. I am no good in my job, I have no motivation at all and I feel very lost. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. I am very lazy, the little motivation I have in something, it disappears just with thinking in the effort that it will take me. I lost my self-esteem. The relation with my wife is not entirely bad, but definitely it can get better.
lately, something interesting happens, once I accepted I was an addict, I felt a little liberated. So now I do PMO with less guilty conscience. I know, that’s no good at all. But in some way makes me realize I have no control and I need help. In the last 2 month, I’ve been watching porn once a week, more than often. That situation makes me so scared: the picture of me keeping doing PMO and getting bigger problems like lose my job, lose my wife, get erectile dysfunction, etc.
So here I am. I don’t know exactly how Im going to do this journey but I do have some specific things to do.
- Every day I will read something that help me to keep clean. there’s plenty of good material.
- write my new feelings of this journey and meditate it about how I feel
- star tracking the days and say thanks to me for everyday of success struggle
Any advice to start this journey, I would be very thankful !!