(32 M) Sdom´s Rewire Journey

Diary
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Hello, My name is Sdom. I’m a man, 32 year years old. (sorry if my writing is not the best, I’m not a english native)

I have been a porn addict for 15 years. I think it is the first time I count the years I’ve been watching to this shit. It is a long time, more than half of my life. I realized I was a porn addict around five years ago, but I accepted around 2 year ago.

So far, so bad. I haven’t been able to quit porn. I watch porn in an average of 2 to 3 times a month. Before I got married on february 2018, I said to myself “ok, now it is time to quit”. For me, PMO is a sort of cheating. Then I got married and I lasted around 1 month clean, and of course, that first married fall, felt terrible. That was the moment when I said to myself, “no matter I want to quit PMO, I Can’t”. I realize that the reason I was watching to porn was because I was an addict, not because I want it.

I started to read about porn addictions. Also I discovered that I use PMO to escape from stressful situations from work duties. So, any difficult moment, I just need a dose of dopamine to go on. But actually I go backwards in all of my life aspects.

I realized everything in my life it is getting messy. I am no good in my job, I have no motivation at all and I feel very lost. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. I am very lazy, the little motivation I have in something, it disappears just with thinking in the effort that it will take me. I lost my self-esteem. The relation with my wife is not entirely bad, but definitely it can get better.

lately, something interesting happens, once I accepted I was an addict, I felt a little liberated. So now I do PMO with less guilty conscience. I know, that’s no good at all. But in some way makes me realize I have no control and I need help. In the last 2 month, I’ve been watching porn once a week, more than often. That situation makes me so scared: the picture of me keeping doing PMO and getting bigger problems like lose my job, lose my wife, get erectile dysfunction, etc.

So here I am. I don’t know exactly how Im going to do this journey but I do have some specific things to do.

  • Every day I will read something that help me to keep clean. there’s plenty of good material.
  • write my new feelings of this journey and meditate it about how I feel
  • star tracking the days and say thanks to me for everyday of success struggle

Any advice to start this journey, I would be very thankful !!

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1 - Take 2 minutes everyday to review what you are Thankful/Grateful for. Your wife, job, parents, latest streak etc.

2 - Help others. In any meaningful way you can. Love your wife. Do good to others. Take the focus off of yourself and onto someone who needs help.

These 2 things have helped me stay clean for 121 days as of today. You can do it.

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Some meditation I’ve been writing

My brain is transformed. The human figure is no longer a human model but a lustful element, a kind of flesh. That complicates me to relate correctly with people. I see people as a sexual lust thing

Thank God, I know the other side of sexuality, the pretty side. The real one. That is a motivation to be able to move forward. Have a good sexual intercourse with the girl you love is something extraordinary. I think it is sad how something that beautiful can turn so messed up.

I got hooked on pornography in my puberty. I think it was because of my lack of sexual experience. I was shy and with pornography I found an escape. Without knowing it, I started my addiction.

Today I blame myself, but I was too young and innocent to be able to discern correctly. The fault is not mine, it’s the environment I lived on. The technology that gives infinite accessibility to contents. The lack of sex education. My absent parents. In short, it’s not my fault. And, if in some way it is actually my fault, it is my inner child´s fault.

It is me now, it´s my adult self that must take responsibility despite not being the guilty. So now I have to discover how to act and free myself from this addiction.

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Day 3,

Last night I dreamed that I wanted to see pornography. In the dream, I was looking for a place where I could hide to see it calm, but I was always with people and I could not find a single minute. I woke up a little anxious and with a big erection. Naturally, my first wish that morning was "to find a place to be able to watch quiet pornography". Immediately I took a shower and discarded that desire. Also, I was with my wife next door. I do (or did) PMO when she is not home.

Now that I think about it, these desires scare me a little. They are like a ghost that looks out and announces its arrival. Of moments it only appears, but I know that later it will invade me completely and I will need strength.

For that, I’ve been taking some measures.

  • Ive been reading a book to avoid procrastination and schedule my day. My falls are usually to avoid job responsibilities. So I have to learn to deal with my anxiety and get my work done efficiently.
  • Reduce time in social networks and filter some accounts that I follow, this in order to avoid triggers.

While today I woke up a little anxious, in general these 3 days that I have been without PMO have been fantastic, I have been flooding with motivations. My goal is to be able to overcome 3 weeks. When I turn 21 days, I will reward myself in some way.

thanks for the support.
code: jtgc88

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I am happy. Today is 1 week since I made the decision to eradicate PMO from my life. I remain very determined and energized. I have had some mild lustful thoughts but still nothing so difficult. I am afraid of having very strong temptations in the coming weeks. That is why I am informing myself of this issue, and reinforcing day by day my conviction of wanting to quit PMO. I want to have a strong shield for moments of weakness.

I had a thought that gives me strength. With my wife we want to have children soon. The idea is to put ourselves on campaign in mid-2019. But the fact of having a child while I still do PMO, sounds terrible to me. It’s definitely something I do not want. Somehow I’m happy because I found another reason to quit porn.

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Yesterday’s I had lust thoughts for some moments. I wanted to look at a things on internet, not precisely ■■■■. Usually I would have done it, and I would end it looking at ■■■■ and then masturbate. I’m used to lie myself, “I only need to see one litle thing” and always end it in ■■■■, so stupid !

Anyway, I rejected that thoughts and started a different task. So I won my first battle, I’m very happy. :sunglasses:

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You have made me see my sad reality. I have been accompanied by the PMO since my childhood, youth, adulthood and I know 78-year-old people who still struggle with the PMO. It is a battle of a lifetime. Do not let yourself be defeated. And do not stop helping, when you do it you fall very easily. We have to make our networks of support and mutual help. My code is 7027de add me and help me improve. Thank you for sharing your journey to freedom

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Thanks @Yon456 for your support ! Keep on fighting, never too late.
The code 7027 doesn’t work. My code is jtgc88.
:call_me_hand:

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Sorry. My code is 7027de
With de the numbers and letters.
Thanks.

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I´m happy because I reached 2 weeks, I´m on my day 15. In one week I’ll be on my first goal, 21 days.

Everytime I commit myself to quit porn (it can be easily hundreds of times), 2 weeks it´s the average time I last without PMO. So this is my crucial week. I will be alert. This time must be different. I know I will relapse someday, I’m an addict, I’m not perfect. BUT NOT THIS WEEK.

If I count my 12 years with evident PMO addiction, plus, an average of PMO every 2 weeks (could be more, but I´ll be positive) gives me 24 PMO a year, wich means, I have had at least 288 PMO since I was 20. (I´m 32 btw).

The thing that freaks me out the most with this calculation, is that there have been 288 occasions when I said to myself: “Ok, this was my last time, now I’m gonna quit” or “This will be my last time, after this PMO I will quit”.

So, I’m so fuckin tired of saying something that I don’t do. So this time I WILL QUIT.

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I’m used to watch ■■■■ as a sort of reward for myself, after some stress situations… Now I’m on one of those tired situacion and I really miss PMO… I’m on a urge and some part of me lie to myself saying “you’re tired, a PMO it will be ok, you deserve it”. I now It’s just a lie but it’s getting very difficult :cold_sweat:

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I know the feels man!
Just came back home from a stressful day and thought to myself ‘I really feel like treating myself with a wank’ :smile:
I lay on the sofa, read some success stories from this app and eventually fell asleep. I always try to not push myself too hard in those situation and to reward myself some other way, even if it’s just a nap.
Keep striving brother :facepunch:

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I relapsed 3 days ago… I was stressed and I couldn’t handle it… I felt terrible after pmo, I really thought I was going to reach my 3 weeks goal. Also today I had sex with my girl and it wasn’t the best at all… ■■■■ definitely ruin sexual relations :unamused:. I don’t last enough and I’m not completely excited…during weeks without PMO sex is so much better.

Anyway… I’m back in the game, this time my goal will be 1 month… it’s difficult but I know I can… could be a coincidence but the week I relapse, I didn’t make any sports… I release my tension swimming, I swim 5.000 a week… so I think that might affected my state of mind.

@BorisKw I couldn’t make it, but thanks for your words bro :call_me_hand:

Cheers

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@sdom It’s all good man, remember just as in the Dark Knight ‘why do we fall?’.

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Day 0

I´ve been relapsing this last month… probably around 5 or 6 times, I don’t even remember now.

I kind of quit or forget my rewire goal. But, as always, I felt terrible about porn and I started feeling very bad on my relation with my wife. Our sex relations frequency decrease a lot (we did it twice), and the quality of them got bad as well.

So now I’m here again. Kind of humiliated.

Writing this words helps me, it makes me think. Even if the last time I didn’t reach my goal of one month without porn, at least I did last 3 weeks, and that’s something. Also I think that without this app, I probably wouldn’t last 3 weeks.

So I will start again with the same goal, one month without PMO,

I will be more thoughtful about the triggers. Also I think I should do something different this time, but I don’t know what. Any suggestion ?

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It’s great your back at it dude! Keep going! :slightly_smiling_face:
What was your motivator during the three week streak (sports, meditation, socialising, diary)? Maybe it helps you to get back on track again…
Also… what’s another goal or habit you wanted to pursue, but didn’t have the time last time?

Whe I look back at my past streaks they were all different in the new stuff (mostly habits) I learned during that time. And the knowledge from my past streaks helps me for my current streak and future streaks. It’s an on-going process, but you always gotta try something new.

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Hello,

Sounds to be hard for you. And for your wife.
It destroys you, and your relation in exchange of nothing.
Not judging, just seeing it.
Even with all of this you made a good streak , good work.

For me, escape triggers for a time, not too many in one week, then yo uwill be more calm when seeing them.
Maybe you can also think about your relation ? It’s kinda hard to destroy something for something which is worth nothing, i mean do you really want it ? You can maybe ask this question to yourself if you are near the relapse.

Trying to be yourself too maybe ? When you have urge , just observe yourself , stay calm and be who you really are, does this excite you really ? i’ve tried this and had no excitation , maybe this can work on you too. Is it better than sex to throw your wife away for it ?

Making activities of course reduce the number of urge you can have , but in the end , when you have one , it’s up to you to choose to give up or not to let you be overhelmed by the urge or not give it in.

Staying conscious of yourself reduce your chances to relapse since YOU don’t want it… But someone else is taking control of you… and then after relapse you come back again and … it’s already over.

I hope i might be understood, english is not my first language.
No judgement here, i respect your road, it’s not easy for everyone… but is it hard ? Who knows …

May you achieve your goal ( and you will of course ,who can stay in porn ? )

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@BorisKw Thanks for your words bro.

I think I will do a map of my goals (personal, career, hobbies, relations) and post it in my laptop, so I can remember constantly what things helps to my goals and what thing does not, like, of course PMO. When I fall in to PMO, I forget how bad makes me for my relation, and for every aspect in my life, I think nothing good can come with PMO, or any adiccion.

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@SunRise It is a good advice to think in my relation, and what I’m destroying with PMO. I will be more analytical and conscious in urge moments.

Thank you very much for your words, really useful in this moment.

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Im on my first week without PMO. I´ve just started to feel some urges. Especially today that I had an argue with a colleague. After every stress moment, the urges starts. I have to find some method to canalize those stress moments.

Also yestarday I had a dream in wich I wanted to see porn. I hate that, it makes it even more dificult. I have to hold on to PMO not only in real life but in my dreams.