[30 M] jojo's diary: 1 hair out of place

Nobody is goin to make recovery easier for you because no one knows you’re going through it. I love fight against my own biological nature. The discipline, the honor, the pride. Especially the thoughts that attempt to corrupt me. If i simply tap into the memories of frustration and pain from being powerless to resist, i can wear a grin on my face and find humor in the pathetic attempt of my darker power to get my pants down to my ankles and my bare butt on to my computer chair.

3 things annoyed me yesterday. My mothers dependance of me. She isn’t handicapped, not mentally retarded, but insists that she can’t do simple tasks on her own like working a new blender or putting ink cartridges into a printer.

1 co worker reminds me of my former self and i can’t help thinking that he should be better. He’s in his fifties and worked at the facility 3 months before me and yet im showing him how to do things. i feel he should be ashamed for not taking initiative and having everyone talk shit about him not being dependable.

another employee doesn’t annoy me ,but she’s female so my darker power uses her as a tool. first off biology causes obsession, but I know how to run on intelligence and spirituality so i know i dont love her or nothing. When im ignored by her my addiction tries to find insult and drag me back to when i was 13 and humiliated by girls.

Nobody makes recovery easier. I can’t make the human population dissappear, but i can remind myself they are the window to my true self. My mom shows me Im independent. My 50’s co worker shows me i want to be reliable and knowledgeable. my female co worker shows me I need to love myself genuinely.


I started getting back in the gym after i had to take a month off because of surgery. I believe that my testosterone has shifted and causing me to feel loneliness and desiring affection. It was so easy to throw out the love i have attained for myself as if it was just garbage. I’m flooded with thoughts about my crush, but I know it’s just biology.

I vow to train my hardest in becoming the man deserving of the girl of my dreams. who is she?

kind, funny, assertive, rebel of adulthood, strong, creative, passionate, affectionate, hardworking, goal oriented.

Most importantly if she can kill my dark side that makes me feel worthless and fear that she’ll fall out of love with me one day, I’d give her this world in flames on a plate.

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I am livid and awoken. For two weeks maybe i have been disillusioned that relationships were perhaps the missing key to my life ,but those are the desires of a child in a small world. Here I am attending some event with my mother and im furious that she is just sitting not even talking to anybody and its just a waist of time. They keep asking about my well being like what the fuck do you think? I came here cuz u wanted company and you aint even doing shit.

if Relationships are being there for someone then fuck it. I never belonged anywhere and enjoyed my own company above all else, but i have to stop falling back into this illusion that isolation is negatove.This is my peace. Im not Ghanaian enpugh, american black enough, american enough. Fuck the fuck off! And a huge fuck off to the porn industry making me think i was recieving affection and control.

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I failed to uphold the virtues of this new faith im interested in joining. Someone needed education and i wanted the job to be done swiftly for praise and to let others know im reliable and flawless. I see my error and im going to try harder for the one who protects my spirit from this addiction.

This addiction has created a parasite in me.

Few days ago i had an insidious dream where the family was over and i had to find something to watch for everyone. The channel was on “BET” and yet graphic images were showing up and i was saying to myself “i might as well jerk off now” I woke up…empowered.

Why in the hell would i ever do a thing you say?! I never forget the night my misery culminated into a tear riddled breakdown wish for death and all thanks to years of worshipping false gods. That pathetic display is the source of my power to recover.

90 DAYS!!! Im so happy. I was laughing the whole day about pathetic attempts from my addiction to ruin things for me. My dignity and Gods desire is all i care about, so good luck trying to stop that!! Thank you all for being honest of your struggles and answering my questions and your support!

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I had a lucid dream of a woman with the qualities I melt for. In this dream i was flirting and ready to do the bidding of this servant from satan. It’s frustrating that my weakness is that warm intimacy that a female can offer because i’ve only had glimpses of that whilst i’ve known men to have it for years.

But this is a false fading illusion. My creator sees me as flawless, no female has ever saw me as such. My creator doesn’t want me to leave their side, no female has ever held me in such regard. My creator has infinite love to give , no female has ever saw me more than a means of entertainment.

I can’t stop the dreams or the biological stimuli, but I know the intimacy I desire isn’t in the west nor on earth and so I will strive to become purer and purer in order to be worthy of the Omnipotent one.

Yesterday I got flooded with pure serotonin. I read a discovery that told me my actions for five years on this journey were being seen by the Omnipotent one as great acts even above that of charity. I felt bad not being able to be on my mother theresa shit, but this denial of carnal pleasure shows the almighty glory!

The feeling i got was electric.my chest got tight, tears leaked from my eyes in fervent flow, i laughed, my face was numb as if my whole head was vibrating. I can make the claim right now that weed, booze, shrooms, nor ecstasy had anything on this feeling! and the best part it is still within me not like these finite desires where you have to keep searching to feel good. God Bless Bahaullah!!!

Yesterday there was minor creaks in my armor to entertain mental images. A clerk at my supermarket had such an adorable voice, and piercing blue eyes. When the transaction was complete she made a smiling gesture with her eyes closed and it was so warm making me want to be held.
Later that night i was forced to do a sort of hate meditation where i intentionally bring up my worse relapses and humiliations for 10 minutes. It’s bad for my netvous system, but i would things of great magnitude if i could be near Xe who is “the help in peril.”
We are dead longer than we’re alive so i have to do whatever it takes to be of the purest spirit before my time is up. Had i gone through the motions of engaging this woman i know I’d just be treated as a product and when she found out i am nothing in the likeness of Shaitan she would dispose of me.