30 days of Heaven or Hell? - My Journal (David 25M)

I have been struggling with porn addiction for more than 5 years now. I fully understand that it’s ruining me piece by piece and that understanding has driven me to find help.
Been reading books and articles but I relapse still and lately it’s become more terrible and scary as I fap almost on impulse.

Found this app after faping 2 days ago and I am hoping it helps. I never did have an online space where I can write about this issue for others to find and probably encourage me. I am looking forward to not faping or checking porn for 30 days. Today is Day 2 and I am writing this at 10.30 pm, so the day is gone. I hope to continue tomorrow.

I hope this works…I really hope so

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Day 3
The thought of masturbating crossed my mind this mornimg. It was funny to be honest and if I had actually given it, I won’t be surprised with myself. I usually tell myself “today I won’t check porn or masturbate” and I end up doing it. But I didn’t do it today.

I didn’t check any porn site. Encountered YouTube thumbnails that were inducing but didn’t click on it. Although I did talk naughty with a female colleague today and I don’t know whether that is a trigger in the long run (if it is, do tell me please). I also brushed off all sexual thoughts I had and drowned myself into work as much as I could. Today was a good day.

All in all, it’s all going well. Still feels like heaven and hopefully it says that way. :joy:.

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Day 4

It’s Friday and most Fridays I download porn for the weekend. It’s a crazy ritual but I find myself most times doing it. Usually because I am always the last one in the office as time goes on and leave really late because tomorrow is Saturday and I can sleep late.

I didn’t download anything. Instead, worked more on a passion project. Went to the gym and did some cardio exercised. Cooked myself a nice meal when I got home and ate it while cracking up to Kevin Hart and Ice Cube in Ride along.

Day 4 was good. I was tempted many times and had to struggle with sexual thoughts but I didn’t give in. Really good.

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Day 5

I was home throught out the whole day. So 60% of my day was spent behind a screen. I had to fight through the urge of searching for porn. Distracted myself by playing games and tried my best not to dwell on sexual scenes in the movies I watched.
Also, the internet is a crazy place. I was recommended a video of a wife that welcome her husband home with twerking. I gave in and watched it. Gladfully it wasn’t really twerking and she didn’t even do anything provocative. But I have come to understand that my mind is looking for a way to give in and escape. I have to do better.

Got into a argument on the phone with my girlfriend later in the day. It would have been a great day but I am still thankful.

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Day 6

I had a dream where I met a pornstar and she was about to had sex with me. Woke up before that could happen but had this incessant urge to check whether she had done any new videos. I did fight the urge many times. I kinda told myself I should reward myself after 30 days by relapsing. I really hope I don’t and I would love to keep this going forever.

I am also currently reading a book on treating porn addiction. I read today that porn addicts still have the urges even after years of no fap but don’t fall because they have come to understand what porn has cost them over the years so they don’t go back or can’t even risk going back. This is the goal for me. I want to be able to understand in the coming days what porn has cost me.

We move.

Day 7

Wow…A week. So far it’s looking good. My urges are increasing by the minute and I feel and see triggers here and there but the stories on this app gives me something to hold on to.

Did my chores today, visited my aunt and spent quality time with her. Made up with my girlfriend, so it was a good day all in all. I really look forward to seeing this 30 days through.

Day 8

Mehn…I might just give up

The urge has been really intense. Every thing I come across reminds me of porn. I have to work on my system and the internet is always on for work due to mails. I keep getting the urge to check the latest scenes on porn sites.

It became intense when I came across a sexual scene in a comics I was reading. I read it through and then found myself searching for other comics like it. I did found them and I could say I did some edging.

Now I am restless and just want to get it over with. Check this app for motivation and can’t seem to find it.

God help me.

Gave up

End of this journal

Going to try the 30 day challenge again

8 days huh?

Still cool to me