[29M] Forerunner's Diary - Ascension to Greatness 🙇🏾

[Forerunner]

It’s been a long time since I last posted. I’d like to thank everyone who reached out and expressed their concern.

Last year showed me the depths of addiction, how self-destructive and all-consuming it can be. It is a miserable place to be. I’m honestly scared of what I can do to myself if I’m not in the right frame of mind. As a close friend likes to say, we are all completely capable of utterly ruining our lives. But we also have the ability to turn things around in a tremendous way if we’re willing to commit.

I’ve signed up for a gym membership, planning to go today. I haven’t gone in years, I’m out of shape and quite nervous, but it’s time for positive actions again.

Always thank God for everything.

[Rebooter81]

That’s a great start to a new streak and personal best

[Forerunner]

@Rebooter81

That’s a great start to a new streak

Appreciate it brother, thanks for your support.

I’ve gone to the gym twice so far this week, planning to go again. Good to be taking positive actions again.

[Christian_Pilgrim]

You’ve been my greatest inspiration on this platform since I joined and even the previous relapses don’t change that.

You’re astonishingly determined and resilient.
I’m rooting for you!

[Forerunner]

@Christian_Pilgrim

I’m rooting for you!

That’s very kind of you, I appreciate that.

We never give up, brother. The people we want to be are on the other side of this vile addiction. As long as we keep growing and learning, we’re sure to break free with God’s Help.

Stay strong my friend.

[ncubeanelem]

Hey brother. I concur with @Christian_Pilgrim. You’re also been my greatest inspiration on this forum ever since I joined in June 2018. It’s so awesome to see you come back here renewed in strength and doing everything in your power, both in mind and body, to fight this drug. I’m cheering you on and hoping for all the best that you can achieve for yourself this year. You’ve got this brother.

[Forerunner]

@ncubeanelem

I’m cheering you on and hoping for all the best that you can achieve for yourself this year. You’ve got this brother.

Thank you my friend. Likewise brother, hope to see you make new strides this year

[prince_king]

What is your current streak?

[Forerunner]

@prince_king I’m on day 22 right now, thank God. This is the longest I’ve been clean since I returned to PMO last May.

I’ll start posting again in this diary soon.

[prince_king]

@Forerunner

I’m on day 22 right now

Man, come here to the three figure mark. You have done it before you will do it now.

[Forerunner]

@prince_king

the three figure mark.

It has been far too long since I’ve reached the three-figure mark. The last time was in 2021.

@prince_king

You have done it before you will do it now.

You’re right, brother. I will do it this time. It’s time for real change, God willing.

[prince_king]

@Forerunner

The last time was in 2021.

Atleast you have done it before unlike me.
But coincidence that my last highest streak came in 2021.

[Nep_12]

@Forerunner

It has been far too long since I’ve reached the three-figure mark. The last time was in 2021

So what? You did it before. You can do it again.
I’m planning to do same. We’ll get it done.

Remember the last time when you had never reached the 3 digit mark? Then you actually managed to do it. Now you have done it, but you have never done 4 digit mark. You can manage that too.

[Forerunner]

@prince_king

you have done it before unlike me.

You stay determined, and you’ll only need to do it once

@Nep_12

We’ll get it done.

Yes we will brother, we can do this. 4 digit mark sounds awesome

[Forerunner]

Erik Hassle - Hurtful

Today, I apologised to my mother for the harm I’ve caused her as an addict.

When we’re in the midst of addiction - the deep pleasure and escaping from our problem - it’s easy to forget just how much destruction we’re causing. I look at all the problems and challenges in my life right now, and they can all be tied back to PMO.

A lie pops up in our heads every now and again. “Well, I’m not hurting anyone; it can’t be that bad.” We are hurting people. Ourselves, our loved ones, society at large. The world is a worst place when I’m doing PMO because I’m depriving everyone of the best version of me. I neglect my duties as a son, a brother and a friend. I isolate myself from the world, abandoning people when they need me. I engage in self-destructive behaviour and become an object of worry and concern for others, wasting their energy on me while I indulge myself.

Sure, Forerunner, you’re not out robbing or killing people. But that’s another lie. Am I even the type of person who would commit such crimes in the first place?

PMO is my worst crime because when I’m engaged in it, I am my worst self, and I’m capable of horrible things as an addict to satisfy those dark desires. I’ve done unspeakable things when I allowed myself to give into that voice, and only God stopped me from going further and causing irreparable harm to others.

I put pleasure and escapism above everything that truly matters, everything that I care about, and that was a great sin. My family needed me to work and provide financial help to the family instead of staying at home, being unemployed and being a burden. I have relatives who are unwell and need me to be there for them, friends suffering through depression and poverty, brothers and sisters in this community who count on my support and advice. Okay, I have enjoyed doing PMO for many years, but is it worth continuing to ruin my life?

My mother accepted the apology and was glad to receive it. She said that I’m her son and of course she will always love me. She can forgive the past, but “Son, what will you do now? What are your plans for the future?”

Good question Mom. I plan to make you proud.

Always thank God for everything.

[Forerunner]

Today I met up with my friends and we watched the final football match of the African Cup of Nations. Our team lost but we still had a great time.

Even just last month, I would have refused to go, telling them I don’t feel up to meeting up. The social anxiety and awkwardness due to hours and hours of PMO binging. The feelings of shame, regret and guilt that felt permanently etched into my face. The inticing lure of skipping another social event for a midnight session loading up tabs and browser windows, searching for the perfect video.

But today, I felt fantastic. My energy was high, I wasn’t awkward or shy, I made jokes that made everyone laugh and enjoy themselves. Backrunner wants to make me believe that an abstinent life is a boring life and that I can’t have fun without PMO. Well, he watched me prove him wrong today for sure. He’s the one feeling deprived, not me.

Always thank God for everything.

[Forerunner]

I walk through this park all the time on my way to work, but I hadn’t appreciated the beauty of nature until recently. Usually I’d be in a poor mood, thinking about another miserable day at work, worrying about my life and wrestling with whether or not I’d return to PMO when I got back home. But I’m in a good mood these days, and the little flowers stood out to me. I stopped and smiled, feeling at peace. Those dopamine receptors must be healing

It was a tough day yesterday. It seems I may have to cut ties with a close friend who I’ve known more than half my life. I’ve been friends with him almost 18 years. But you can’t spend your energy on someone who no longer cares about your wellbeing. It’s sad but like they say, some people weren’t meant to be in your life forever.

As a result, I wasn’t in the best mood. But I still picked myself up and got another productive session in at the gym, and I met up with friends later. I still got what I needed to get done for the day. Backrunner flared up for a little bit, giving me flashbacks and saying just a little won’t hurt, but I stood firm. I do not need PMO to cope with any of my problems. No more PMO. I will never PMO again.

Always thank God for everything.

[The_Rising_One]

@Forerunner

Backrunner

I really liked your alter ego. I’ll also name one. Looks like it will benefit me.

" The_Falling_One "

Just like you , if there is any urges incoming , I’ll think its a trick of The Falling One.

[Forerunner]

@The_Rising_One

Just like you , if there is any urges incoming , I’ll think its a trick of The Falling One.

Awesome! I tell you, it helps so much brother.

When we understand that the real us wants to be free forever and never go back, it must be another guy inside us who wants to go against us and binge on PMO. It’s a brilliant technique to separate that personality as an alter ego and tell yourself to never listen to him or do what he says.

[ToThy]

Great post bro, I also become more determined when I think about my Mom. I want to become the son she is proud of, and I wish I can let her enjoy happiness and fortune. Keep Mom in our heart, and we’ll surely conquer our addiction