Hey @Forerunner , how are you doing? Is your condition getting better? I hope so 
.
Which advice of yours are you following to recoup from the relapses?
I cannot say that I can help you 
as you are clearly wiser than us all and have given us sooo many adivces, suggestions, wisdom over the years 
. You clearly are more prepared than the rest of us.
I hope you recoup well with all those advices of yours.
Such a WISE man you are 
.
Good vibe brother, keep it up 
.
Day 44 free and clean, thank GOD.
Before I joined Rewire Companion in 2018, 44 days was my longest intentional streak for years.
I couldnât even imagine passing 90 days back then; the farthest I would permit myself to hope for was 60. 2 months sounded beautiful to me. I would imagine the freedom, confidence, self-esteem and much more I would experience at 60 days clean.
Since then, Iâve learned a great deal about addiction. Iâve read over 10 books, hundreds and hundreds of success stories, horror stories, articles, advice and motivational posts. Iâve watched and listened to hundreds of NoPMO videos and podcast episodes. Iâve passed the â90-day-rebootâ three times and posted articles and motivational videos myself.
Yet here I stand, about an hour away from completing day 44. The longest streak Iâve had since another post-90-day relapse in September 2021.
People here are kind and like to assume the best of others. Still, the reality is that if someone who was active in an addiction recovery forum abruptly stops posting - without even a goodbye post - they are most likely back in active addiction, binging. 9 times out of 10, thatâs the case.
My time away since then was dedicated to self-destruction. PMO binging, junk food, TV shows, movies, and video games - very little productivity or growth for the most part. It was an utterly wasted period. Ramadan came and went and I gained no spiritual growth due to sinning repeatedly during the sacred month. I gained over 30 kg (66 lbs) and was obese at one point. Women would avoid me in the street and my friends were repulsed at how far Iâd let myself go. I stopped responding to phone calls and messages, people asking me to hang out with them, letting me know they were there for me and wanted to help in any way they could. At one stage I didnât even speak to my own mother for over a month. One of my close friends cut me off because they got tired of watching me destroy myself and isolate myself from others time and time again. I was unemployed, literally eating through my savings and dragging my account into the negative.
Iâm sure my accountability partner was tired of me reporting yet another relapse every week. I canât even honestly call them relapses - relapses imply a fall from a period of health, and there was nothing healthy about my behaviour. Every now and again, I would find a spark of the âwill of fire,â and start up a streak, only to fall on my face again within a few days. For a full year, the furthest I made it was 28 days.
I would even watch some of my old videos on my channel, yet the advice fell on deaf ears. I considered closing my YouTube channel and hiding all my videos, but a comment came in from a NoPMO brother who had been struggling and my content really helped him. I was deeply ashamed of myself and what I had become. The most shameful part was how far Iâd allowed my life to fall, and yet part of me still wanted PMO just as fiercely. That part wanted to continue binging without end, 16-18 hours a day at times, stopping only to eat, sleep, or do enough out in the real world that I wouldnât be disturbed by other people when I returned to my porn haven. As someone who claimed to be âtrying to quitâ, I had amassed a collection of videos once more. Iâd go on a streak, delete them all, then relapse and download them all back again and more for good measure. A truly wretched state of existence.
For the most part, I left the recovery communities I was participating in. I didnât post anything on my channel for over a year, I didnât log into Rewire Companion or message in the recovery groups on Discord or WhatsApp. Isolating myself further. I only spoke with my accountability partner, who for the most part was struggling with his own issues and relapsed frequently for months, so there wasnât much judgement from his side. I was a coward, and I felt deep shame for being a part of the community. I had been a loudmouth. Making over 100 videos on YouTube, success stories and posting advice all over the place. Swearing up and down that I was done being an addict and I had beat it for good. Only to relapse again after another long streak. And I was even more ashamed that part of me was even more addicted than before I joined the forums. That part of me wanted to disappear for good into active addiction, download a collection of 3000+ videos and burn down my life in the process. That part of me wanted to PMO in silence without judgement or messages of advice and encouragement and support asking me to get back on track. That part of me knew that being on the forum and in the communities would force me to make changes and improve my life, which meant the steady supply of PMO would run dry.
I am knowledgeable about addiction and how to be free of it. But I have not been wise. Wisdom is found in those who have the knowledge and use it correctly to improve their lives and the lives of those around them. My advice has helped others to become free. One NoPMO brother who I gave advice and encouragement is over 500+ days clean, married now with a beautiful new baby. Another had 2 relapses in 2022; 363 out of 365 days of the year were clean. Heâs on the path to permanent recovery with Godâs Help, and I used to advise him back when he struggled to pass 2-3 weeks. Anyone who sincerely applies the advice and follows the necessary steps to be free will be free. Recovery from addiction usually isnât easy for us, but the steps are simple, and they work.
But why, Forerunner? Why have you shared this horror story with us? Why do you keep relapsing again after 250+ days, 120+ days, and 90+ days, after having posted success stories and advice and motivational videos? Why hasnât all the knowledge and experience youâve acquired helped you to be free for good?
A very simple reason. There is only one reason why we relapse, whether we are on day 1, day 100 or day 10 000. We relapse because we want to experience deep pleasure from PMO. No other reason, everything else is an excuse or a justification. And even though the pleasure is an illusion and the consequences are severe, we chase it down because we are addicted. This deep pleasure produces the same effect in our bodies as if we were high on morphine - medical-grade heroin. Heroin is said to be so addictive and pleasurable that some people ejaculate after shooting a needle into their arms. And we have access to it 24/7/365, on tap from our computers and laptops and mobile devices.
Knowledge is not sufficient to be free. It isnât even necessary. I have a close family member who has been free from PMO for years, and they never joined any community or read any books or watched any YouTube videos. It was just, âThis is ruining my life, and Iâm going to stop it permanently and never return.â It wasnât easy, but after relapses and failures, they are free today. I asked for advice - âYouâre free, help a brother out!â They couldnât even tell me much, I was far more knowledgeable than them, but they just wanted freedom more. Eric Thomas says that if you want to succeed as badly as you want to breathe, then youâll be successful. Thatâs all that is needed. The desire to be free must be stronger than the desire to continue engaging in the addiction, otherwise, itâs fighting a losing battle.
I have been passionate about helping others - during my times on a good streak anyway. I sincerely want to find ways and provide guidance so that every man and woman, boy and girl caught in this wicked cycle can find a way out of the darkness. But Iâve heard it said that the people who are most passionate about addiction recovery were also the biggest addicts, and that is definitely true of me. The past year is great evidence of that. GOD willing, I will keep the darkness at bay this year and truly move forward on the ascension to greatness.
Always thank GOD for everything.
Bruh I can totally feel you here 
.
Itâs a lifetime decision struggle for us. We have to just keep our decision making straight.
Good to see you after so long.
Thank you @The_integrous_one, good to see you brother. Looking forward to passing January clean together.
My God what a day⌠Great to have you back brother⌠Me too after losing my 93 day streak was hardly able to reach 10 days since the past year⌠Though other good habits were still there that i built during those streak days. Yet the PMO thing after dopamine fast of few days always comes back and as i said i live alone and work finally was giving to it⌠Presently too i edged badly last week and dumped my brain but currently having a streak of 7 days. That monster at back keeps calling at my low times specially at night and morning times.
But now since i see the best one of the forum back which i used to follow then i think i can ignite the fire of self control again.
Brother whatever be the situation keep in touch here whenever you have time. Its not that we have lost something loosing streak and letting our bad habits back but it is to fight till the last breath. I personally is still a failure but everytime i accept my defeat to PMO but hits back hard against the evil. Since i created this shit in my brain so its my duty to get it out at any cost. Its always better to have an old friend rather than 2 new friends. And you were the genuine one i had that time. So no matter how many times we fail but we need to learn our behavior and change it with time. Love you FORERUNNERâŚHARE KRISHNA~~
@RiSingSpirit_06 Good to see you Abhi, long time brother.
We may stumble and lose our way for a while, but we will never give up. We must win in the end.
Day 0: 16th March 2023
Rank: Prisoner
Time to dig myself out of this hole. LORD, please help me break the chains Iâve locked myself into.
Daily Activities:
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Watching NoPMO Motivational Content
Deleted all PMO Content and Bookmarks
Caloric Deficit for Weight Loss
Conversations with Loved Ones
Completed my 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (>30 minutes)
Walking (18 km)
Household Errands
Looking after my Family
Conversations with Accountability Partners
Planning for the Future
Gratitude
Reflection
Recorded Day 0 Video
Alhamdulillah for everything.
Long time no see bro. Where were you these days ? You are always a gem here.
@Risinglion123 Hello brother. I have been living in a fog of darkness. What matters is that GOD willing, I am back and I am here to stay. I plan to post daily.
Day 1: 17th March 2023
Rank: Prisoner
Stay on the right track, Forerunner.
LORD, these chains which have been broken, may they remain broken.
Daily Activities:
Wake Up Before 5 AM
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Listening to Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Audiobook âThe Easy Peasy Methodâ
Plan for the Day
Studying the Qurâan
Islamic Fasting
Dopamine Detox
Calorie Deficit for Weight Loss
Weigh-In for Weight Loss (-2.1 kg)
Taking Vitamins
Cold Shower
Walking (18.7 km)
10 Push-Ups, Sit-ups and Squats
Mindful Breathing
Completed My 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (~30 minutes)
Household Errands
Looking after My Family
Conversations with Loved Ones
Phone Call with Accountability Partner
Phone Call with a NoPMO Brother
Reflection
Gratitude
Thinking about the Future
Journaling
Recorded Day 1 Video
Adverse Events:
Involuntary Ejaculations: 1
Alhamdulillah for everything.
Day 2: 18th March 2023
Rank: Migrant
The journey has begun.
LORD, please show me the steps to follow.
Daily Activities:
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Listening to Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Motivational Content
Reading Daily Reminder
Plan for the Day
Studying the Qurâan
Islamic Fasting
Dopamine Detox
Ate Healthy Meal
Taking Vitamins
Walking (9.1 km)
Mindful Breathing
Completed My 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (>30 minutes)
Met up with Friends
Household Errands
Looking after my Family
Conversations with Loved Ones
Conversation with a NoPMO Brother
Reflection
Gratitude
Thinking about the Future
Journaling
Editing and Uploading Videos to YouTube
Recorded Day 2 Video
Alhamdulillah for everything.
Day 3: 19th March 2023
Rank: Settler
The battle really begins once there is difficulty.
3 days in, the first urges of the journey. I know those dark thoughts you had, Forerunner. But you knew that nothing good could come of returning to PMO. You stayed vigilant and kept on track.
These were the first urges, but they are by no means the last. Seek refuge in GOD, He helps us when we call upon Him. Be compassionate towards yourself. The best thing you can do is continue the journey.
LORD, steady my feet on this new path.
Daily Activities:
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Listening to Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Audiobook âThe Easy Peasy Methodâ
Watching Qurâanic Lecture
Islamic Fasting
Dopamine Detox
Taking Vitamins
Walking (14 km)
Mindful Breathing
Completed My 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (> 30 minutes)
Household Errands
Looking after my Family
Conversations with Loved Ones
Phone Call with Accountability Partner
Reflection
Gratitude
Thinking about the Future
Editing Videos
Adverse Events:
Involuntary Ejaculations: 1
Alhamdulillah for everything.
Itâs nice to have you back brother.
God bless you brother with Love,Peace,Joy and Happiness
Day 4: 20th March 2023
Rank: Settler
Feeling blessed and thankful for this community.
Daily Activities:
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Listening to Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Audiobook âThe Easy Peasy Methodâ
Reading Daily Reminder
Plan for the Day
Watching Qurâanic Lecture
Islamic Fasting
Dopamine Detox
Prepared Healthy Meal
Taking Vitamins
Cold Shower
Walking (21.1 km)
Mindful Breathing
Shift at Work (8 hours)
Completed My 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (>30 minutes)
Household Errands
Looking after my Family
Conversations with Loved Ones
Reflection
Gratitude
Journaling
Editing and Uploading Videos to YouTube
Recorded Day 3 Video
Adverse Events:
Involuntary Ejaculations: 1
Alhamdulillah for everything.
Day 5: 21st March 2023
Rank: Peasant
You are stronger than you think, Forerunner.
I know that you struggled yesterday, all those thoughts and suggestions to return to PMO. But you succeeded. Another day free and clean. The best thing you can do is continue.
LORD, thank you for bringing me out of PMO poverty.
Daily Activities:
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Listening to Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Audiobook âThe Easy Peasy Methodâ
Studying the Qurâan
Watched Religious Lecture
Islamic Fasting
Renewed Commitment to Abstinence
Dopamine Detox
Drinking 2L of Water
Taking Vitamins
Walking (21.3 km)
Mindful Breathing
Shift at Work (8 hours)
Completed My 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (>30 minutes)
Household Errands
Looking after my Family
Conversations with Loved Ones
Phone Call with Accountability Partner
Phone Call with a NoPMO Brother
Reflection
Gratitude
Thinking about the Future
Journaling
Recorded Day 4 and 5 Videos
Adverse Events:
Involuntary Ejaculations: 1
Alhamdulillah for everything.
Day 6: 22nd March 2023
Rank: Peasant
I was speaking with a NoPMO brother yesterday and something he said was insightful.
âSincerity requires consistency.â
If our actions are not consistent, then our âsincereâ decision to quit addiction, repent and improve our lives was not so sincere in the first place. He said instead that it was born out of guilt and shame, and that once those feelings have faded, itâs far too easy to go back on our promises and return to doing exactly what we claimed we never would repeat a few days before.
LORD, help me to remain sincere and take care of the freedom you have given me.
Daily Activities:
Prayers
Listening to Qurâan Recitation
Listening to Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Motivational Content
Listening to NoPMO Audiobook âThe Easy Peasy Methodâ
Studying the Qurâan
Islamic Fasting
Renewed Commitment to Abstinence
Dopamine Detox
Prepared Healthy Meal
Taking Vitamins
Walking (25.5 km)
Weigh-In for Weight Loss (-0.8 kg)
Mindful Breathing
Shift at Work (8 hours)
Completed My 3 âAtomic Habitsâ
Working on Dropshipping Business (>1 hour)
Household Errands
Looking after my Family
Conversations with Loved Ones
Conversations with NoPMO Brothers
Phone Call with Accountability Partner
Reflection
Gratitude
Thinking about the Future
Journaling
Recorded Day 6 Video
Adverse Events:
Involuntary Ejaculations:1
Alhamdulillah for everything.
