28m guy11's journal

Due to corona i lost my job and right now the future looks bleak because i was working as a Marine engineer and its tough to get a job just by sending emails .
Since I lost the job I started preparing for upgrading my licence but again now due to covid even those exams stay cancelled.

Now I’m two months clean from the PMO but i have no motivation to study. To wake up in the morning thinking about future feels depressing. I loved the job but now i need it badly . Im thinking of quitting the whole thing and try to switch field altogether. I am not sure but today i got to thinking and was only thinking about my past .
I had some real nasty relationships. Although I broke up with them for various reasons , I still think about all the intimacy that I shared with them and this leads to strong urges. I think about calling them just reconnecting with them but fuck I remember why I got out in the first place

I used to think about them before too but I would go fap and this helped clear my mind . But now since I can’t do so, I’m forced to somehow settle these particular urges that haunt me . I don’t really know where to go from here. Atleast till June i was doing my preparatory courses so i had a schedule but since july im rudder less. Just drifting in the open seas without any heading. I don’t want to feel like this for very long . I need to get out of this rut . I don’t know how I’ll do so but I’m hoping God will help me through this time .

I know most of the people are suffering right now and my intention was not to complain but just wanted to write about it . I was hoping that by writing something might click but till now nothing . I’m addicted to internet. I don’t have social media accounts but just YouTube and 9a destroy my whole day. I put stars because I don’t want any other person to check it out. If u know than you know . No need to spread the cancer. I want to stay healthy , on a path , emotional stability. But every one wants something.

I dont like this phase of my life but hopefully this will train me for future hurdles. Stay strong brothers. May we all see light at the end of the tunnel . Right now it’s pretty dark in here .