[28M] Forerunner's Diary - Ascension to Greatness 🙌

I agree with that: if I understand it right, I also think that their falls is also helping others understanding the process better.
Moreover, I think @Forerunner is teaching us a lot, even with his falls. So, keep doing that man! We are learning a lot, thank you :pray:.
Anyway, if you need motivation, we are here to help as well. We can do this together!
:innocent::+1:

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Hey @Forerunner , how are you doing? Is your condition getting better? I hope so :hugs:.

Which advice of yours are you following to recoup from the relapses?

I cannot say that I can help you :expressionless: as you are clearly wiser than us all and have given us sooo many adivces, suggestions, wisdom over the years :blush:. You clearly are more prepared than the rest of us.

I hope you recoup well with all those advices of yours.
Such a WISE man you are :laughing:.

Good vibe brother, keep it up :+1::hugs:.

Day 44 free and clean, thank GOD.

Before I joined Rewire Companion in 2018, 44 days was my longest intentional streak for years.

I couldn’t even imagine passing 90 days back then; the farthest I would permit myself to hope for was 60. 2 months sounded beautiful to me. I would imagine the freedom, confidence, self-esteem and much more I would experience at 60 days clean.

Since then, I’ve learned a great deal about addiction. I’ve read over 10 books, hundreds and hundreds of success stories, horror stories, articles, advice and motivational posts. I’ve watched and listened to hundreds of NoPMO videos and podcast episodes. I’ve passed the ‘90-day-reboot’ three times and posted articles and motivational videos myself.

Yet here I stand, about an hour away from completing day 44. The longest streak I’ve had since another post-90-day relapse in September 2021.

People here are kind and like to assume the best of others. Still, the reality is that if someone who was active in an addiction recovery forum abruptly stops posting - without even a goodbye post - they are most likely back in active addiction, binging. 9 times out of 10, that’s the case.

My time away since then was dedicated to self-destruction. PMO binging, junk food, TV shows, movies, and video games - very little productivity or growth for the most part. It was an utterly wasted period. Ramadan came and went and I gained no spiritual growth due to sinning repeatedly during the sacred month. I gained over 30 kg (66 lbs) and was obese at one point. Women would avoid me in the street and my friends were repulsed at how far I’d let myself go. I stopped responding to phone calls and messages, people asking me to hang out with them, letting me know they were there for me and wanted to help in any way they could. At one stage I didn’t even speak to my own mother for over a month. One of my close friends cut me off because they got tired of watching me destroy myself and isolate myself from others time and time again. I was unemployed, literally eating through my savings and dragging my account into the negative.

I’m sure my accountability partner was tired of me reporting yet another relapse every week. I can’t even honestly call them relapses - relapses imply a fall from a period of health, and there was nothing healthy about my behaviour. Every now and again, I would find a spark of the ‘will of fire,’ and start up a streak, only to fall on my face again within a few days. For a full year, the furthest I made it was 28 days.

I would even watch some of my old videos on my channel, yet the advice fell on deaf ears. I considered closing my YouTube channel and hiding all my videos, but a comment came in from a NoPMO brother who had been struggling and my content really helped him. I was deeply ashamed of myself and what I had become. The most shameful part was how far I’d allowed my life to fall, and yet part of me still wanted PMO just as fiercely. That part wanted to continue binging without end, 16-18 hours a day at times, stopping only to eat, sleep, or do enough out in the real world that I wouldn’t be disturbed by other people when I returned to my porn haven. As someone who claimed to be ‘trying to quit’, I had amassed a collection of videos once more. I’d go on a streak, delete them all, then relapse and download them all back again and more for good measure. A truly wretched state of existence.

For the most part, I left the recovery communities I was participating in. I didn’t post anything on my channel for over a year, I didn’t log into Rewire Companion or message in the recovery groups on Discord or WhatsApp. Isolating myself further. I only spoke with my accountability partner, who for the most part was struggling with his own issues and relapsed frequently for months, so there wasn’t much judgement from his side. I was a coward, and I felt deep shame for being a part of the community. I had been a loudmouth. Making over 100 videos on YouTube, success stories and posting advice all over the place. Swearing up and down that I was done being an addict and I had beat it for good. Only to relapse again after another long streak. And I was even more ashamed that part of me was even more addicted than before I joined the forums. That part of me wanted to disappear for good into active addiction, download a collection of 3000+ videos and burn down my life in the process. That part of me wanted to PMO in silence without judgement or messages of advice and encouragement and support asking me to get back on track. That part of me knew that being on the forum and in the communities would force me to make changes and improve my life, which meant the steady supply of PMO would run dry.

I am knowledgeable about addiction and how to be free of it. But I have not been wise. Wisdom is found in those who have the knowledge and use it correctly to improve their lives and the lives of those around them. My advice has helped others to become free. One NoPMO brother who I gave advice and encouragement is over 500+ days clean, married now with a beautiful new baby. Another had 2 relapses in 2022; 363 out of 365 days of the year were clean. He’s on the path to permanent recovery with God’s Help, and I used to advise him back when he struggled to pass 2-3 weeks. Anyone who sincerely applies the advice and follows the necessary steps to be free will be free. Recovery from addiction usually isn’t easy for us, but the steps are simple, and they work.

But why, Forerunner? Why have you shared this horror story with us? Why do you keep relapsing again after 250+ days, 120+ days, and 90+ days, after having posted success stories and advice and motivational videos? Why hasn’t all the knowledge and experience you’ve acquired helped you to be free for good?

A very simple reason. There is only one reason why we relapse, whether we are on day 1, day 100 or day 10 000. We relapse because we want to experience deep pleasure from PMO. No other reason, everything else is an excuse or a justification. And even though the pleasure is an illusion and the consequences are severe, we chase it down because we are addicted. This deep pleasure produces the same effect in our bodies as if we were high on morphine - medical-grade heroin. Heroin is said to be so addictive and pleasurable that some people ejaculate after shooting a needle into their arms. And we have access to it 24/7/365, on tap from our computers and laptops and mobile devices.

Knowledge is not sufficient to be free. It isn’t even necessary. I have a close family member who has been free from PMO for years, and they never joined any community or read any books or watched any YouTube videos. It was just, “This is ruining my life, and I’m going to stop it permanently and never return.” It wasn’t easy, but after relapses and failures, they are free today. I asked for advice - “You’re free, help a brother out!” They couldn’t even tell me much, I was far more knowledgeable than them, but they just wanted freedom more. Eric Thomas says that if you want to succeed as badly as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful. That’s all that is needed. The desire to be free must be stronger than the desire to continue engaging in the addiction, otherwise, it’s fighting a losing battle.

I have been passionate about helping others - during my times on a good streak anyway. I sincerely want to find ways and provide guidance so that every man and woman, boy and girl caught in this wicked cycle can find a way out of the darkness. But I’ve heard it said that the people who are most passionate about addiction recovery were also the biggest addicts, and that is definitely true of me. The past year is great evidence of that. GOD willing, I will keep the darkness at bay this year and truly move forward on the ascension to greatness.

Always thank GOD for everything.

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Bruh I can totally feel you here :sweat_smile:.
It’s a lifetime decision struggle for us. We have to just keep our decision making straight.
Good to see you after so long.

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Thank you @Samaranjay, good to see you brother. Looking forward to passing January clean together.

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My God what a day… Great to have you back brother… Me too after losing my 93 day streak was hardly able to reach 10 days since the past year… Though other good habits were still there that i built during those streak days. Yet the PMO thing after dopamine fast of few days always comes back and as i said i live alone and work finally was giving to it… Presently too i edged badly last week and dumped my brain but currently having a streak of 7 days. That monster at back keeps calling at my low times specially at night and morning times.
But now since i see the best one of the forum back which i used to follow then i think i can ignite the fire of self control again.
Brother whatever be the situation keep in touch here whenever you have time. Its not that we have lost something loosing streak and letting our bad habits back but it is to fight till the last breath. I personally is still a failure but everytime i accept my defeat to PMO but hits back hard against the evil. Since i created this shit in my brain so its my duty to get it out at any cost. Its always better to have an old friend rather than 2 new friends. And you were the genuine one i had that time. So no matter how many times we fail but we need to learn our behavior and change it with time. Love you FORERUNNER…HARE KRISHNA~~

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@RiSingSpirit_06 Good to see you Abhi, long time brother.

We may stumble and lose our way for a while, but we will never give up. We must win in the end.

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