Yes brother! 
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I shall update regularly on weekends from now on (meanwhile I’ve got a notepad which I write in daily so I’ll have content to share when weekend comes). Also I’ll refrain from lurking/commenting/etc on Rewire Forums until my words gather formidable weight/value and that will come when I reach 90 days. So, until then I’m limiting myself to this thread alone.
Presently on Day 3… identifying (and reminding oneself of) a relapse is important, this is what I consider one:
P - porn
E - edging
M - masturbating
O - orgasm
S - sex
Most of my efforts will be active e.g. having good overall fitness, studying, etc. I’ll also be documenting formation of good habits. Cheers all, until the weekend!!
I cleared 7 days and now I feel that my words once again, have some value so here are my reflections:
-
two days after my last post, I relapsed
-
excuses ranged from - (1) binging on Easy Peasy Audiobook that evoked strong feelings of negativity and hopelessness (that I wasnt prepared for), (2) wanting to do a killer 45min David Goggins guided workout on Saturday for which I took the entire week basically off my normal fitness plan to “rest”, (3) overthinking about the study program instead of studying, (4) lying about my life and my progress to others, to myself, (5) and I used Diwali to mark the beginning of a new streak.
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Since beginning my new streak, I have (1) done the David Goggins 45min guided workout (every single rep except substituting 115 normal pushups with knee pushups to get through it haha), (2) recovered for the next 3 days with my baseline fitness activity, (3) invested in super healthy diet, (4) actually began studying, (5) listened to Feynman’s audiobook (tickles my mind in a way that it makes me remember and feel like myself before pmo and simply wonderful), (6) much more actually organized, clean, and efficient rather than simply organized chaos, (7) more transparent with what I am doing (with myself and my family) at any given time of the day, (8) much more composed discussing incendiary topics, (9) beginning to feel moments of fulfilment with how much I accomplished in a day, and in front of the accountability mirror, (10) actually have and enjoy spending my free time with family.
Challenges for week 2 (next post at day 14)
- curb unnecessarily involved on forums and social media (telegram, discord, whatsapp)
- cautiously finish Easy Peasy Audiobook
- unhoard all the collected garbage by (i) deleting/trashing it, (ii) tackling it in the present moment, (iii) scheduling it for the near future - this next qeek marks the end of the shuffling era i.e. no more BS organizing, no more mindless inputs/outputs/downloads/uploads/timewasting and stealing time from the future
- plan the day ahead on the night before
- ultimately, run like a perpetual motion machine (PMM) in the right direction and keep track of the progress to report November 27th, 2020.
Thats all folks! Paaaaaarapapapapapapapa
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Time to get serious. I’ve got some deadlines to reach and I need stability in my routine. This is what I’ve been seeking ultimately and the history of this diary shows my various attempts/methods to achieve it. This is not just another one of those ways… this will be The Way as far as I can manage. Tweaking will occur but no major changes until mid January (at which point my classes resume and this will continue in a less rigid format).
- Always have something to do or somewhere to be (even during free time)
- No hard deadlines so all times are approximate to plus/minus 30min
- All electronic-usage is recorded and banned in bedroom/bathroom/free-times
- Finish all workouts before lunch, track diet and update health metrics
- Plan the day ahead on the night before with major focus on studies/career
Legend
finished it; yes
started but did NOT finish
never started; no
needs attention
25 Nov 2020
proper electronic usage y’day
drafted today’s plan, last night
had sufficient sleep last night
rise before sunrise 0613
track and achieve diet goals
workout finished before lunch
diary report before sunset 1632
read/notes PSC till page 100
academic plan for Spring 2021
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26 Nov 2020
2 proper electronic usage y’day (I tend to fall asleep looking at stuff on my phone)
drafted today’s plan, last night (I “knew” what had to be done but I didn’t record it)
had sufficient sleep last night
rise before sunrise 0614
track and achieve diet goals (exceptional day)
2 workout finished before lunch (most of it was, but no cigar)
diary report before sunset 1632 (change time to right before sleep, forcing a small/efficient entry)
read/notes PSC till page 100 (started very nicely pg. 37, needs a lot of work)
academic plan for Spring 2021 (didn’t even touch it)
Extra: Internet Browsing, Social Media, YouTube speckled during the day
Feedback: Manage explosive bouts of anger by introducing pranayama/yogaasana tomorrow. Unite and synthesize (C4) disorganized chunks of “stuff” to minimize distractions (finish project until the end of November in 3 days).
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27 Nov 2020
3 proper electronic usage y’day (YT and SM distractions - slept distraction free though)
drafted today’s plan, last night (I was too tired to do it entirely, but did the morning)
had sufficient sleep last night
rise before sunrise 0615 (I did but I lay in bed on my phone, b/c it was too cold to get up)
track and achieve diet goals (exceptional day)
: workout finished before lunch (set a personal best record, great day)
diary report before sleeping (~1700 and I’m shutting down my laptop after this post)
read/notes PSC till page 100 (haven’t started to so far but I’ve got 4 hours to study left)
academic plan for Spring 2021 (it seems too ambitious and far away for now, I’ll do it at the end of December - save this for later)
Extra: SM/YT peppered in the afternoon and watched movies/cricket while cycling
Feedback: I didn’t introduce anger mgmt exercises and was very irritated today. I had outbursts even. My thoughts veered to negativity and were criminal even! I began the cleaning up mission so that, start of December, I have no excuses to do anything but work.
To Do: Add pranayama/yogaasana tomorrow
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I will be posting today’s report tomorrow - a couple of things got in the way.
Meanwhile I have thought up a game to play on Rewire Forums, I’ll post that tomorrow too.
28 Nov 2020
proper electronic usage y’day (busy cooking, shopping, studying)
drafted today’s plan, last night (I need to figure it out today i.e. Nov 29th)
had sufficient sleep last night (more than)
rise before sunrise 0615 (yes but then I went back to sleep after 1 hour)
track and achieve diet goals (best day yet)
workout finished before lunch (a great no. of cals burned, cycled even at 2300)
diary report before sleeping (had a fight with my father and studied instead)
read/notes PSC till page 100 (got nearly halfway done, so progress finally)
Extra: watched El Camino while I did stationary bike
Feedback: Huge fight with father and right then, I decided that one of my life’s goals is to crush his ego out of existence, and when he’s one blow away from being thoroughly defeated, pardon/forgive him - I’m done taking shit from him and anyone else for that matter (especially myself). Although I won’t exercise that mercy for others. Also I’ve concluded that I’m falling behind on my fitness plan so it needs changes that I’ll implement tomorrow, Monday!
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29 Nov 2020
proper electronic usage y’day (studied quite a bit but also distracted with SM/YT)
drafted today’s plan, last night (under construction, will be finished before sleeping)
had sufficient sleep last night (habit of lying in bed after waking up, break it 'morrow)
rise before sunrise 0615 (yes but then I went back to sleep after 1 hour)
track and achieve diet goals (ate an entire avocado dammit XD)
workout finished before lunch (declared rest day, did literally no exercise XD)
diary report before sleeping (sure but spent too much time on forums)
clean up the workspace and schedule things to do in free time
Feedback: wasted a lot of time thinking about (i) depressing and stressful things that I can’t change all at once now and (ii) nonsense games to make on the forums here, finally decided not to make it haha, so slow day until now but before sleeping tonight, a new level of dedication is expected tomorrow to follow the routine set up - looking forward to it!
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30 Nov 2020
proper electronic usage y’day (yes mostly, but I did go on risque chatting)
drafted today’s plan, last night (pretty much knew exactly what to do)
had sufficient sleep last night (a little more than usual, not healthy to sleep so much)
rise before sunrise 0615 (yes but then I went back to bed cuz it was too cold, change!!!)
track and achieve diet goals (Im fasting for 36 hours, so all was well here, lots of tea)
workout finished before lunch (declared rest day, did literally no exercise XD)
diary report before sleeping (sure but spent too much time on forums)
clean up the workspace and schedule things to do in free time
Feedback: spent a lot of time distracting myself from not eating and overthinking… however I needed to take a break so I managed somehow. The unbelievable rage is winning atm and my self-talk is bad, this must change! Otherwise, new month tomorrow, good time to start afresh on new habits!
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1 Dec 2020
Let’s be more specific and definitively dangerous with deadlines —
no electronics in bed last night (even opted to chat with strangers — end)
drafted today’s plan, last night (I knew what I wanted to do but no record-keeping)
had sufficient sleep last night (yes, precisely enough sleep)
rise before sunrise 0618 (finally I did it and it was great)
examining spiritual, mental and bodily changes (lot more zen/relaxed)
limit showers to 10min and end with a cold blast for 5sec
roughly examine hairfall during shower (getting slightly better)
track and achieve diet goals (broke fast and finished eating by sunset)
workout finished before lunch (hell yes and it felt great, better tmrw)
diary report before sunset (spent quite some time on forums)
studying a minimum of 6 hours (Forest App SS pending tmrw’s report)
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2 Dec 2020
Let’s be more specific and definitively dangerous with deadlines —
no electronics in bed last night (too tired for that, that’s the key - bed is for sleep)
drafted today’s plan, last night (I woke up late hence couldn’t stick to it 100%)
had sufficient sleep last night (yes, precisely enough sleep again)
rise before sunrise 0618 (I woke up around 0440, too early, then I slept till 0730)
examining spiritual, mental and bodily changes (didn’t write anything down)
limit showers to 10min and end with a cold blast for 5sec (yes, was super busy)
roughly examine hairfall during shower (ehh, it’s the same as y’day)
track and achieve diet goals (finished eating by sunset, on a 16-8 fast)
workout finished before lunch (I didn’t wake up on time to do it, so goes until night)
diary report before sunset (spent some time on RCH but just enough for starting days)
studying a minimum of 6 hours (I won’t post Forest until I’m doing only study-related)
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3 Dec 2020
Let’s be more specific and definitively dangerous with deadlines —
no electronics in bed last night (being tired enough is the key)
drafted today’s plan, last night (FINALLY, I did it… and I followed it imperfectly)
had sufficient sleep last night (less than I’m used to, but its good)
rise before sunrise 0620 (I woke up approx 3 mins after the alarm at 0550, great timing)
examining spiritual, mental and bodily changes (yes and even acted on it)
limit showers to 10min and end with a cold blast for 5sec (defo not 10min, still too long)
roughly examine hairfall during shower (I accept, I’m losing hair)
track and achieve diet goals (finished eating by sunset, on a 16-8 fast)
workout finished before lunch (indeed and a great workout too)
diary report before sunset (here it is, let’s get more done by sleeptime)
studying a minimum of 6 hours (until I record diligently, I can’t say… but it’s a good day)
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4 Dec 2020
Let’s be more specific and definitively dangerous with deadlines —
no electronics in bed last night (was alone at home for the first time in months)
drafted today’s plan, last night (the plan is nothing, planning is everything)
had sufficient sleep last night (more than I should’ve… trying to strike a balance)
rise before sunrise 0620 (woke up my latest since half a year ago, unreal)
examining spiritual, mental and bodily changes (it’s tough but I did it)
limit showers to 10min and end with a cold blast for 5sec (had too much on my mind)
track and achieve diet goals (my meals are heavy when on a 16-8 fast, oh well)
workout finished before lunch (no, I challenged myself to a full-day workout)
diary report before sunset (I keep coming back to RCF, wont come back till 'morrow)
: studying a minimum of 6 hours (it shall be even more than that by time I sleep)
Reflections: I went on a chat site last night and it veered towards risque stuff… I stopped before it went anywhere near sex related or pmo related shit… but this is not good… I’m at 21 days and this is unacceptable — I shall never forget!
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5 Dec 2020
Let’s be more specific and definitively dangerous with deadlines —
no electronics in bed last night (I exercised so much I couldn’t sleep without it)
drafted today’s plan, last night (the day started out very poorly… very poorly)
had sufficient sleep last night (3 hours dammit… all because of the exercise/electronics)
rise before sunrise 0620 (technically yes but laid in bed until 0800… wth)
examining spiritual, mental and bodily changes (yes but it was too depressing)
limit showers to 10min and end with a cold blast for 5sec (yes, I did it but needs more)
track and achieve diet goals (no 16:8 fast… as we had guests over, great times)
limit showers to 10min and end with a cold blast for 5sec (yes, I did it but needs more)
track and achieve diet goals (no 16:8 fast… as we had guests over, great times)
workout finished before lunch (hell yeah, I did it despite a shitty day)
diary report before sunset (I keep coming back to RCF, wont come back till 'morrow)
studying a minimum of 6 hours (forget about this until Monday man, I need a break)
Reflections: I went on a chat site last night AGAIN, 2 nights in a row… and it veered towards risque stuff…and the urges were MAXIMUM, enough to FEEL like a relapse… and after 22 damn days I realized why I can’t let myself think I beat this… cmon man and that’s the realization that made most of my day in low spirits but I also finished listening to The Bhagavad Gita and that was comforting but also… I was too much in my head — The Rewire Continental Hotel was a great relief… the engagement there is more than I could’ve imagined… in fact I thought I was going to abandon it or delete it if it didn’t get any replies but thankfully I didn’t and now the folks there are a stellar — alright, I’ll get back to the party!
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I just hope that if there is a naraka, it isnt going to punish me by making me relive myself at my worst xD I think living thru it once is punishment enough but we all pay our karmic dues dont we haha
Im back here… why? I abandoned the post, I just left… I did. But as before, I left this place, this place didnt leave me, so Im back. Answering why… Im back not to merely talk as I did before, but to pay homage to my friends here and roots of my journey. Those are friends, who are friends in need, they are friends indeed!
Its true Im altogether different in so many positive ways than before a year but tbh they are only “so many” and I can be even better in many more and of better quality in all the exisiting ways. This is why Im back because I am in need of a change and Ive stagnated.
Lets start with weekly goals and updates xD hope all are well
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This week I shall aim to finish
- TBK by FD
- My certificate courses
- Tweaking my training regimen
- Applying to Unis/Jobs
- Organizing, cleaning and upkeeping
Enough. See you guys in 1 week.
Happy Janmashtami!
What do you wish to get out of this?
- clarity above anything else
What makes you think this is the way to go about attaining clarity?
- because it has worked before and because imagineering is my forte
Why do this on Rewire?
- a sense of camaraderie, the idea this could help another, going back to the war post that I had abandoned and winning the war
What constitutes victory on Rewire?
- more than the arbitrary 1000 days, I consider it a victory if there is a time “after” my gnawing thoughts cease to be (i.e. negativity)
How will you stay disciplined this time and what makes this time different than all the other times?
- IRL I have set some goals without accomplishing which, I wouldnt be me nor would I be you, my higher self, who I am striving to be and some understood but hard to explain insights separate this moment from all the rest
Do you think you have what it takes to be successful?
- yes but do I want it enough… thats the real question
So answer it… do you want it enough?
- if I say no, I am a coward… if I say yes and I lose, I dont want to be the guy who “at least tried”… if I say yes and I win, I will have to keep winning and I dont know that I can keep winning
So what are you trying to say?
- I dont want it enough
Ffs… whats the point of your living then?
- the point is that I can decide to want it enough
And when will you decide to want to succeed?
- when the conditions are right
And what if the conditions are never right?
- then… okay, fuck the conditions…
What are you afraid of?
- failing…
Do you have any other choice besides trying?
- no… I will have to try this or that, there is no escaping it
And what are the possible outcomes of trial?
- success or failure
Just that? How about stepping stones… why cant they be stepping stones to improvement?
- what if its not enough… what if my rate of improvement is not enough…
Not enough for what?
- to justify, forget honor my existence… to uphold the dreams and expectations of my own and of my family
What other excuses do you have for not trying?
- none…
So all this fear, overthinking, and misery, really they are offsprings of excuses for not trying right?
- in a harsh sense, yes
Just in a harsh sense or in a true sense too?
- I legitimize and acknolwedge my struggles…
What struggles?
- the ones I gave myself and the ones others gave me
Do your struggles justify your inaction?
- no…
Does anything justify making the present moment worse than it is?
- no… what about revenge though?
What about it… who are you seeking to avenge?
- the inner child in me, I wronged him…
So you are avenging “your past” with “your present”?
- phewww yeah i guess so
To put it more simply, you are punishing your present/future for your past… misdeeds?
- thats what I tell myself
Is it true though? Couldnt it just be that you are justifying your past misdeeds by continuing them in the present/future?
- thats more accurate than the concoted narrative I tell myself to placate my resistance when I continue my misdeeds
Is talking to yourself really helping?
- I am talking to my future Higher Self
Yes but how exactly is it helping… arent you just embarassing yourself in front of whoever reads this on Rewire?
- I want to stop lying altogether and this is helping me be clear with myself. And honestly I dont care about what others think of me here.
But you do care… a part of you seeks their approval, validation and so on…?
- its mostly in the past… and I still seek it somewhat because I dont really have friends IRL that Im in touch with
Why dont you reconnect?
- because their potential success will make me envious of how if I had done the right things I could have been better and their potential failures will make me secretly pleased that at least Im not the only one who fucked up
So whats your solution, what do you do daily to overcome all these challenges?
- distractions help maintain the veil of ignorance that is slipping away fast but most postively, I have a schedule for the gym, for my work and for my family and whenever I meet new people or even old friends, I feel myself putting up these masks to hide how I struggle with my past having an impact on my present and future
Sometimes the acting is so real, you begin to believe for long periods of time that you are totally fine right?
- yes… and then… phew, well its cyclical and nowhere as bad as it used to be, to the point of suicidality even
Look how far you have come…
- its true, if I focus on the positives, honestly it is miraculous how much Ive grown, both in comparison to my lowest points but also objectively in comparison to others
So why so serious today?
- because I relapsed recently and I needed this process to rebound me once again into the path of my higher self
Any time you want… you can ask me questions or have me ask you questions…
- okay, I will come back here if things get out of control IRL
Okay, good talking and I believe in us
- me too, cya
Already back?
- Yes… I could do this in my head but I feel like documenting it so I could revisit it someday.
Whats on your mind?
- Tea and 40 more minutes of a TV show… after that, Im securing my gym training
You will need this fitness, plan in a way that you cannot reach it and execution will be magic
- To be able to deliver more than what I thought I was capable of. Copy that.
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Always shower before breakfast.
- wilco
Realize this detachment from self only serves you well if you accept Brahma satya
- and its to my detriment if I accept solely jagat mithya and move towards a void which is tempting at times
Do more and do better sadhana and these mayavi doubts wont plague you anymore
- beginning seriously now, starting small once again
Yashasvi Bhava
- Kalyan Bhava
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