18th August
Coincidentally, it has been exactly one month since I posted here.
I am mainly here because I wanna start over properly.
I also have a confession to make and I am sure I will get judged for what I am about to confess, Do read carefully though if you are reading this, It was around last month I was in Mumbai and I had nothing to do in hotel, I relapsed in afternoon that day and Idk what actually happened to me and I decided to book an escort, I got very positive that yes I am gonna do that and also lost some money in the process because the way I tried to approach was kind of fraudulent and then thankfully I didn’t go through with it, didn’t get my money back tho. Yup that’s where this addiction for lust took me. I am so damn thankful that God saved me that day, If I had gone through with it I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself for sure. I have still been full of regret since that day thinking how could I even think of doing such a thing, plus how could I waste my hard earned money which will never come back no matter what I do now and to be honest I have been feeling scared of myself since that day, I can only try but I can never justify what I did that day.
After that I immediately went to a temple nearby and thanked God for putting me in right mind before it got too late. Then I prayed to goddess Lakshmi (Goddess of money in hinduism) and prayed to forgive me for not respecting hard earned money, the value of money has increased so much in my eyes since that day. I think I was forgetting its value and hence I got this lesson that day.
I went clean for 20 days after that which was until two days ago, and as I said I got scared of myself at that time, well I still am scared of that monstrous part inside me. I could never in my right mind have done such a thing which I was about to do that day but then again in my right mind I would never relapse and still I do. I guess that’s what people call an addiction.
I will also have to stay in that hotel once in a while in which I was that day because it’s one of the official hotels which my organisation offers stay in, I’ll be reminded of the trauma every time I go there but I’ll have to make peace with it and If I replace the memory with positive memories It’ll get better I’ll just have to let time take care of things.
I couldn’t build up the courage to confess about all this to anyone but it was actually needed, I couldn’t tolerate this burden anymore and I have got this platform for dealing with this addiction specifically so yeah here I did it.
Any further questions, judgements or advices are welcome.
Now about my current scenario.
Well I relapsed yesterday and that continued till today. But I am here because I wanna make some changes, I am posting this from my new laptop, first post from new laptop, I am at my home currently, I will be leaving for 2 month long training day after tomorrow and I can actually get my shit back together in that training because it will be mostly chill and good socialisation will be there.
One I have gained weight over past couple of months since I joined job even when I had been fairly consistent with exercising, the main reason for it would be not taking care of my diet so whatever it takes no Junk food and no sugar from now on, plus I have recently started running (mainly on treadmill) to lose the extra fat that I have accumulated. In training for first 28 days I’ll have classroom training from morning 9:45 to evening 5, I can easily run and go to gym in morning and keep evening time for either playing or going out with friends, I’ll also mediate and read on a daily basis, I am in the middle of two books, Bhagawad Gita 1 shloka daily and reading the other book How to be a stoic for at least some time everyday.
Plus without journaling I have been finding half the things in my life have become meaningless, When I used to journal at the end of the day, I used to look forward to making my day well and doing well throughout the day as much as possible. So yeah gotta bring back the habit of journaling, I don’t have to go to platform in the middle of Arabian Sea at least for next two months (Until 23rd October) and I am looking forward to posting here everyday until then, After that let’s see if RC works on IOS on platform, it doesn’t work on windows. Even if it doesn’t I’ll do offline journaling to keep a check on myself but until and after that I am gonna journal here.
For tomorrow, I have a couple of things to take care of, First thing I am gonna do in morning is 1.Change into workout clothes, workout and meditate, 2. Clean my room a little bit Then 3. Get some work related approvals 4. Get some work related notes sorted. 5. Decide what I am gonna take with me and pack accordingly. 6. If I can find some time I’ll go to play in the evening and 7. Journal before sleeping.
I watched the show “After Life” by Ricky Gervais recently and I teared up in last episode, brilliant show. For now I am gonna watch the movie Groundhog Day and sleep, It’s an old classic feel good movie, let’s see if It can make me cry 
.
Oof feels good to go all out.
Workout
, hiit with dumbbells in morning, played basketball at two different courts which are at a distance to about 3 kms in between and I walked all that, walked a total of around 6 kms, overall 2 half court games and one full court game, awesome games. Went out at 5 and came back after 8 in evening 
, 3 hours of playing.
, It’s liks I’ve forgotten the basics of no fap, you are supposed to not search for anything sexual or even remptely so, no matter what happens, I made this same mistake, some minor search which led to a couple of searches and eventually relapse.
