[28M] Beyond Thousand Days Campaign (28th-04-22 to 22nd-01-25 +)

Diary
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#unloading

every day for the past week, I tell myself, today is the day I begin to study… today is the day I begin to do something productive… today is the day that changes things… and every night I go to bed thinking tomorrow, tomorrow.

reality check:

  1. I engage in contemplation in transience as if to appear sober or flirt with my ego that I’m of a personality that thinks, analyzes, problem-solves all through theory… all by making patterns in the air, as if I’m all revved up and all I need is to touch my wheels to the ground reality and I’ll shoot towards my goal and achieve it in no time.
  2. Yesterday I was going to make this post but I saved it till tonight: Walked a marathon yesterday… probably record time for me (shorter for sure) and I was wearing 1kg extra on my legs, next time I’ll properly time it. Today I woke up at 0330 and until 0400 I was in bed deciding whether to get up… today I’ll plan out my day before I sleep so when my eyes open first thing in the morning, I know where to be and what to do. Until now, 0645, I’ve cleaned up some files and filled out my fitness journal with exercises to do with all its details while listening to music (I’m surely listening too much).

So to address all the points raised:

  1. Timestamped activities, no action, not even rest, will escape my documentation (hasn’t been done, I wore a stopwatch this morning but due to not writing down my goals, I removed it in a few hours)
  2. Need to establish baseline rules so I avoid all the pitfalls:
  • Fixed Sleep Schedule - (mostly messed up)
  • no need to address other elements as when one domino is out of wack, all of them are offset and out of wack

I was unsure whether to even post this, but this deserves documentation. I have been half-assing my exercises and it’s all I do during the day really besides listen to music, listen to an audiobook, watch tv shows, browse the web, discuss politics, talk to friends online and online friends, and organize what needs to be done (but haven’t started to do it).

So now I’m gearing this diary towards imperfect action items rather than long-form journaling.

Execute Format Change

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  • wet dream, approaching 2 weeks… woke up at 0400 amused smh
  • stayed in bed until 0430, forlorn and at my baseline level of dejection
  • tried to answer the question what is my dream job, no matter how ridiculous (Question Diary App)
  • after much contemplation about my worthiness in any endeavor, decided upon “combination of the Dark Knight and Tony Stark” XD
  • music and tea while listening to music and watching Djokovic v Nadal highlights
  • now writing this and its approaching 0600, reflecting, deciding gameplan
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  • been approx. 1 week since my last post, I’ve focused mainly on my fitness this week
  • achieved my personal best of walking approx. 73km i.e. 100k steps in 20 hours
  • a test of mental endurance and capacity more than anything else, it’s made me realize I stand on firm ground personally and I’m made of way more than I give myself credit for
  • changing up my fitness regimen now, moving towards strength training… I tried to emulate the fitness routine of my (more advanced) cousin and I couldn’t even do 50% of it, so it’s a public wake-up call and confirmation of where I stand (this will go on for the whole week after which I will create my own plan that will aim for a checkpoint test in December)
  • finally, I’m shifting gears and focusing on my studies and I’ve removed myself from distractions (and will continue to do so until I’m like that sharp sword in LoTR I forget the name of it, the one that killed Sauron the first time)
  • there is one gaping flaw I see in myself which is that I still associate with people that are sinking… although I keep my distance, they are eating up my time… I will just have to busy myself to avoid telling them to their face how detrimental they are for me (saying I’m busy is better than get the fuck out of my life, you’re pulling me down with you i.e. being an asshole)
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  • getting horrific dreams i.e. the materialization of all of my fears combined but I see through them, nothing is going to stop me — it’s 0120 in the morning and I’m ready to work
  • desperate/efficient change is necessary at my end at this point, not all but most of the vitality I’ve had has been ground to dust in the areas that matter… all I need to do is pick it back up
  • fuck over-planning, I’m on attack mode, I’m going all out execution style with breaks for sleep, food, workout, minimal/needful socializing, and rest for decompression so that when I return to the work that matters, I’m sharp
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Having respect and compassion for yourself is the best way to last.

The psychorigid discipline can’t last forever. The concept of entropy cannot be ignored indefinitely.

Tension and stress are good in a certain way to help you to perform. But there are also bad tension and bad stress which just destroy you insidiously.

Take care bro!

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Thanks bro! This is a crucial reminder as you picked up on one of my regular pitfalls.

It is the case for me for sure to compensate for my lack of self-respect with inflation of the ego through pumping up the psycho-rigidity of ultra discipline at the expense of self-compassion. This is how I operated and looped in relapse cycles for a long time.

This time around however I’m treating the journey like a long-distance hiker (it’s also the reason I walk long distance, to condition the mind and most importantly THINK long-term so that I may prepare accordingly). This strengthening of the spirit against the universal force of entropy DEMANDS a lot of sacrifice.

And these come in the form of unnecessary burdens, time-sinking activities, negative habits, futile distractions, etc. that I engage in, that need to be simply cut out. On top of that, the zeal to be expectation-and-outcome oriented can get overbearing if the pace towards them is not right.

The next challenge to post here for me is a simplified routine to follow (something that is presently hard for me to do but it is the next milestone).

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You’re awesome guy! This is a very interesting answer.

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Here it is… a simplified routine (thought about on a walk and thought of like a long distance walk)! Milestone unlocked.

  • 8hrs sleep (typically a more/less hard bedtime of 2200 and out of bed around 0600) but it will be less on most days
  • 3hrs of free time (diet, exercise including 70min of walking or fewer minutes of running, etcetera)
  • 13hrs studying (I know this seems like a lot, but I will take 10min breaks every hour to walk, digest, relax, and so on — also it’s the only way I can still manage to walk 20k steps or more in a day)

that’s it! now all it takes is tinkering to see which specifics fit where and when… and that will be the jist of my posts from now on! The 13 hrs of study is not random, it’s deliberate… as 13hrs/day * 77 days (duration left until I begin a new semester) = 1,001 hours

next objective is to daily post the day’s routine at the end of the night to build the new habit

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Best of success with the new routine brother!

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Alright, what’s happened in 4 days… I did the daily tidings, worked/tinkered with a new routine, and felt noticeable therefore shareable effects of exercising sobriety.

Hair - Now it could be the new anti-hairfall shampoo but we all know how these ads work (and how the product doesn’t work as advertised wrt to these things) - but literally every time I ran my finger through my hair… a swath of hair would come out with it… especially during showers. This has stopped to very few, most probably countable on one hand.

Stamina - I’ve lead of a family fitness group since beginning of September and have been pretty much consistent there but the strides I’ve made, I attribute to having been sober. Simply the idea that I can keep walking for extended periods of time without giving up lead me to walking 2 marathons in September (then I traveled and that was a 1 week interruption to the routine, and to my sobriety, as I let the stress get to me). Now in my new place, I’m all clean. And so far in October, I’ve walked 2 Marathons and 1 personal record of 100k steps approx 73km in 20 hours total. I couldn’t have done it without being sober. Not to mention, I’m coming out from the worst shape of my life this year. And speaking of the worst shape, my mind and habits also took a turn for the worst and I’ve reignited good studying habits too with documenting the hours through Forest app.

Confidence - sometimes it turns into arrogance and anger if I don’t control it but the mind is way clearer and I cut through the bullshit supremely fast and don’t get emotional about petty things as much. It’s like how the controlling of the indriyas, or senses is described by Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita… that we are the charioteer (therefore CEO of our rath, or chariot) and that only with a special bond with the saarthi, or chariot rider, the Lord Himself can we control the horses (i.e. senses, emotions, mind, etc) and drive into battle with full control and full force with the Lord on our side if we are on the side of Dharma (the Way that we must discover ourselves).

Last night was the first night I felt lust again fully since my relapse last month. I understand that whenever I go towards my limits, mentally or physically exhausted, the primal forces emerge. I’ve since stopped communicating with troublesome people and the next milestone is to stop indulging in politics and anything that moves me off center.

Although my decided upon plan was ambitious, I intend to build towards it incrementally. Today has been good so far. I have these self-limiting and negative thoughts floating around but I choose to rather dissolve them because sharing them doesn’t add anything of value for now.

Next milestone - cut out more bullshit from life… simplify life/routine to bare essentials…

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#shitrant_imcryingcuzigotabooboo_wankermindset

possibly the hardest day so far… it’s been an accumulation of falling short of ambitious goals I’ve set for myself, in fact they were so ambitious that the jest, playfulness and joy was totally subsumed by the severity of being outcome-oriented (i.e. the reason for setting near-impossible ambitious goals). In that frame of mind, every little thing becomes an obstacle and an offense to the way of life… it’s like I’m the knife and I’m to cut through a solid metal block that is my goal… I can delude myself that if I apply the knife to it for a sufficient amount of time, I can technically do it. Like a pure scientist trying to do an engineer’s job i.e. knowing that it can happen in principle is WAY different than knowing it can happen in reality.

Another marker that I’m on the wrong path is that last 2 nights and some of today I fell towards fantasies and seeking out bad company to escape reality… because the truth is that I don’t think it’s possible, in fact I know it’s impossible what I’m setting myself up to do. It’s not just a gargantuan task, I’m just so ill-prepared that every day I re-confirm the fact that “the knife” that I am now, I cannot cut “the metal block” in the time I’ve given myself.

Even though fitness wise, I’m getting better each day… where it really matters, my studies and my career… from which everything else emerges and to which everything else flows into… I’m practically useless. And I’ve been trying to convince myself that the critical lens with which I see myself are too dark and not accurate to reality, now I find that the expectations I have from myself, are really just delusions in a rose-tinted reality that I’m not living in but would like to.

I’m so damn tired being on the sidelines man… wondering whether thinking about sharpening “the knife” can actually sharpen it… or wondering that “the metal block” will magically become thinner… I want to grind and when I do… I get tired and discouraged. Fucking hell… this is just a shit rant. Probably not even worth posting - maybe it helps to see/document that these days are part of the recovery.

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Part of the issue with having made terrible choices for a long time is that when we start making positive choices that improve our lives, we want to undo all the damage as soon as possible. We want to pile years’ worth of accomplishments into 3 months to escape the void we’ve created through neglect.

We have to be patient with ourselves. Like the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day. It took consistent daily action to build an empire. As long as you put in the effort to make today better than yesterday, you are on the right track, brother.

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Thanks brother - I see that I must have faith, I’m certain I’ll learn patience once I surrender the ego: the one that makes me think that I must now overcompensate for the lost time; the one that associates my self-worth to the outcome and consequences of others’ and my own actions; the one that thinks I will find a wholesome fulfillment with only material affluence.

No matter how many and however tough the reminders, checkpoints, or obstacles along the way, I will make sure to live these days as fully as I can… cuz they ain’t coming back! Instead of being compulsive and forceful with my time, be graceful (which is just being courageous under pressure) instead. And never ever, ever let go of the spark of light in here and out there.

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it started in mid-October… and it only took two weeks… here’s the breakdown:

  • the using of the phone last thing before sleep and first thing in the morning
  • I made sure to go to bed exhausted but my mind went habitual patterns of browsing
  • browsing lead to songs and videos which could be termed risque but not outright
  • red flags ought to have gone up here but I persisted this until the last week of October
  • began celebrating my highest streak of nearly a month this year, urges returning
  • then BAM, I had a fight with my father and a lot of repressed shit was brought up
  • another BAM, realizing my studying was dismally insufficient to achieve my target
  • extra BAM, I’m pending graduation in May 2021 and it’s my last chance for it: stress
  • one more BAM, I MUST move out of my parents’ house ASAP, rn it’s unfeasible
  • keep on BAMming, negative self-talk e.g. that I compensate my failures with BS wins
  • slaying BAMs, my recent strides in fitness are distractions from my academic goals
  • demoralizing BAMs, bubbling rage, sullen and morose demeanor, too serious, ruminating
  • smfh BAM, at least I got my streak going… I’ll just peak, I deserve that much relief ffs
  • really man BAM, wrote one thing and did another, cuz I peeked, lying fraud indeed
  • wtf BAM, alright… edging by watching P late at night while deluding myself about why
  • masks off BAM, “how could I watch this stuff?” to “aite let’s see if I can control myself”
  • BAM, relapse is inevitable, we are past the point of return, “is edging really relapse?”
  • BAM, relapsed… “but what’s really the difference between wet dream and relapse?”
  • BAM, relapsed again… the first time was an “accident” but this time, it’s a proper one
  • BAM… do I really need to report it… what if I just ignore it and go about my day?
  • BAM… okay I will do xyz impossible task today and if I succeed, I don’t report it…
  • BAM… I can’t live a lie… it wasn’t the fault of anyone but me, wrong to blame others
  • BAM… my mind thought up all extreme scenarios to writ off my responsibility… no
  • BAM… here I am, this is what I did… voila… fuck what other people think honestly
  • BAM… my relapse delayed me 1 hour this morning, otherwise had a fairly good day
  • BAM… the SMH when I reset streak and see that 33+ days go down to 0 days…
  • BAM… how to prevent this from happening again? coherent thoughts/words/deeds
  • BAM… become a man of focus, commitment and sheer fucking will… post daily ok

it’s horrendous but it’s real… here’s the sample of what I will be posting daily from hereon out… (just one more thing: ffs I would have crossed 90 by the time my birthday came, but this number thing really fucks with me… added stress for what? I didn’t let it get to me today and beat myself up very minimally compared to earlier times)

  • Woke Up before dawn
  • Workout + Walking a 6km shy of a marathon
  • No Cold Shower today
  • Healthy Diet < 1000 cals (couldn’t go through with total fast, losing weight)
  • Minimal Studying
  • Minimal Reading
  • Listening to the Entirety of Bhagavad Gita As It Is
  • Lots of Pick-Me-Up Music/Videos
  • Browsing Politics minimally
  • Socializing Online minimally

Things to restart: yogaasana, pranayama, weight lifting, cycling, using forest app, prayer

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It’s an important period of your life… You deserve the best, let noone telling you the opposite.

Be strong brother. You’ll become more powerful after all these stuffs.

Be kind with yourself! You are a good guy and you will succees in your life in your own path.

Work your vision! And give it power at every moment of your days.

It’s your time for major transformation! Congratulations, the Universe is working on you.

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Merci bcp mon ami (j’ai decouvert que tu parle Francais juste ce moment) @FlowForCourage tes mots donnent a moi plus que la coeur et le corage dans les moments apres je fais un rechute. Ils me donnent un idee — les declarations non negociables! (comment-est mon francais XD, j’ai quitte l’apprentissage presque dix ans dans la passe)

  • Woke up past dawn, around 7AM, sore from yesterday’s workout
  • Read an intellectual dialogue between Adi Shankara and Buddhist Monk on Quora
  • Worked out and ate breakfast, used a coffee machine for the first time
  • Oiled hair w/ cactus, almond, olive hairoil + cold shower (oh yeah)
  • Read/wrote on Rewire Companion Forums and deleted a blocker because I was preoccupied earlier trying to get around it and being curious to see where and how it cracks and what slips through, so it’s not for me (thinking of the scene in the Dark Knight Rises… where he succeeds only when he climbs without the rope)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXxw-zXRqOs

Now… it is noon, I plan to do yogaasana, pranayama, and my baseline 20k steps throughout the day. The rest of the time, I dedicate to sniper-focus on my studies (shall post forest app studytime before sleeping)

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Oui, je parle français :slight_smile: Je suis content que mes mots puissent être pour toi une source d’encouragement, surtout en période de rechute.

Pour quelqu’un qui n’a plus pratiqué la langue depuis 10 ans, tu peux être content d’avoir conservé quelques restes :+1:

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My Non-Negotiable Declarations
(could be thought of as a harder form of affirmations)

  1. I have slain my ego and I give my total samarpan (surrender) to the Highest
  2. I plan meticulously/prudently and I give my everything to only one task at a time
  3. I exercise complete humility, compassion and saiyam (control) over my senses
  4. I am clairvoyant in weaponizing my vulnerabilities/doubts to feed my strengths
  5. The misdeeds, mistakes and missed opportunities of my past armor my present
  6. The path to my bright future is lit up by how much I burn in the present moment
  7. In this ran/rang-bhoomi, I shall uphold my swa-Dharma at any and all costs

Imperfect but sufficient for now (I am open to suggestions). I may be tweaking these as time passes but their impact will only grow more fierce with more changes. The aim is to read these daily and whenever I feel myself slipping.

Time for lunch now and then I begin to tackle my studies!

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It’s time to BAM BAM BAM in the right direction brother.

BAM Consistency.
BAM Self-Appreciation.
BAM Positive Self-Care.
BAM Productivity.
BAM Forgiveness.
BAM Total Commitment
BAM A new mindset that doesn’t view PMO as a reward or cure for stress.

You deserve the best man, don’t settle for any less.

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@Forerunner that’s RIGHT brother, BAM BAM BAM in the right direction, own the BAM :pray:

Report from last night: I did not do yogaasana or pranayama but I did meet my 20k baseline steps. As for the forest app study time… I focused for approximately 3 hours yesterday. By the time I went to bed, I was compelled to peek but I fell asleep before I got anywhere into it… I only want to do PEAKING from now on, no more peeking.

Today

  • woke up around 0700 but laid in bed for awhile thinking about my methodology
  • did saitama training of 27 reps (1 rep incr./day - 10k run) + dips + 60s plank
  • drank 2 cups of ginger tea while on Rewire Forums, Telegram, US Election Results

it’s 0900 so far, I will be posting multiple times daily until I get things right.

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