levimorris4567 - thanks for your words, they mean a lot to me!
Breakup actually was my initiative, by experience I learn to trust my mind more than my heart. We spent some time(few months) without each other and after I feel that she don’t love me and see me only as provider (dead bedroom, blame).
Some times I feel that I want her(not in sexual way, more like hug, kiss, love) but I understand that she only will despise me even more.
For me first relapse usually happen because of excess of uncontrolled energy then I don’t spend it properly, but consequence fapping is self destruction behavior, the masochistic way to punish yourself because of first relapse.
Also masturbation may be a indication of disbalance in life. We need identify this weak sides of our life and find strategy / set goals in order to fix them.
I don’t want but probably need more communication.
I stay too long in one place, I want travel because I feel more alive then I find myself in new place(and opportunities for travel may appear for me at the end of this year.)
Current results - 12 pull-ups (+1 since week ago) and 22 dips (+3).