Hi. I live on small planet near Sun.
(Warning from place to place may be bad at english, non native, sorry in advance)
Thanks for reading my diary!
My poor ability to control myself make my life worse. I hope what I can find way to persistently change my mind and achive more contol on my actions.
26 year old. Broke up with a girlfriend a couple months ago. Recently procrastinating too much and relapce almost daily.
Here I want write as often as I can at start. I will write about my state, feelings, that I try to do and how I change.
Let’s begin!
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It’s day zero. Fap today twice though not feel yourself as shit because of regular physical activity(calestenics and running, I train both every other day but plan to divide and train each day).
Advise - you may reduce consequences of relapce if increase your testosterone levels by gym or other physical activity.
I have some experience with my addiction. Next thing what I will do is make a plan with rewards. Let’s say a pizza tomorrow if I will not relapse ( I know junk food isn’t good but it rare for me, and will be great as reward )
Advise - have a plan with reward, fight pleasure with pleasure! It will easier to justify soberty today for monkey part of your brain if you will have rewards what this part understand. (Not only high level things as self respect - you understand what it is good consciously but it is not a conscious part of you relapce each time, it’s like an enemy within,
badly developed part of brain waired with your reward system that sabotage your effort)
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3 days
So far so good.
I was training today.
(My current results 11 pull-ups and 19 dips)
Met with a friend.
Plans for tommorow - run 5km and I need cold shower because I feel as tension grows.
Running - check
Cold shower - check
Now I will make todo list for today and execute.
End of day 6.
Felt really strong urge.
Running and cold shower helped a little bit.
I continue feel force within.
I will try meditate and after calmly channel energy to work.
Relapse, almost 7 days(without half a hour).
Really regret it.
I need to control incoming information.
I’m sorry you relapsed bro, I know the feeling, been there it isn’t fun, been thru a breakup too, those are rough. You can do this tho, just don’t put yourself down and get up and continue, every good effort is a step in the right direction, if you keep taking those steps you’ll get where you want to go. It’s awesome that you are setting goals to better your life aside from nofap because we need to replace it with something better and not just take it out. You got this bro!!
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levimorris4567 - thanks for your words, they mean a lot to me!
Breakup actually was my initiative, by experience I learn to trust my mind more than my heart. We spent some time(few months) without each other and after I feel that she don’t love me and see me only as provider (dead bedroom, blame).
Some times I feel that I want her(not in sexual way, more like hug, kiss, love) but I understand that she only will despise me even more.
For me first relapse usually happen because of excess of uncontrolled energy then I don’t spend it properly, but consequence fapping is self destruction behavior, the masochistic way to punish yourself because of first relapse.
Also masturbation may be a indication of disbalance in life. We need identify this weak sides of our life and find strategy / set goals in order to fix them.
for example:
I don’t want but probably need more communication.
I stay too long in one place, I want travel because I feel more alive then I find myself in new place(and opportunities for travel may appear for me at the end of this year.)
Current results - 12 pull-ups (+1 since week ago) and 22 dips (+3).
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