@Sahas Brother, thank you for your wonderful compliments.
I’m just a man like you, trying my best to overcome this and to help my friends along the way. It was you who inspired me to write this diary. I wanted to be like you and give more in this community. You are a hero also.
I need to spend some time reflecting on the next steps and re-affirming my commitments to the journey and continuing to improve daily. I’ve slipped up with my morning routine for the past few days, and that’s not good. I don’t want to sleep in; I want to be consistent. There are many great things to be doing each day. GOD willing, I will continue to improve.
Today, I was checking my emails and I received an explicit spam email with pornographic images. I was disgusted and deleted it straight away. A few seconds later, I realised what I’d just done and tears of gratitude rolled down my cheek. There are so many ways that event could have gone wrong; I could have decided that it wasn’t my fault for coming across the images but no harm in looking, right? Or been triggered enough to start searching for other material. But no, this life has become an automatic habit now. Thank GOD!
It’s time to make other areas of my life instinctual in the same way. Regular exercise. Completing daily tasks. Learning a language. The journey continues.
My dark passenger returned yesterday with a vengeance. Those were the strongest urges I’ve had since beginning this streak. I battled with them all through the night until 7AM. I refused to give up after coming this far. I had to go back and read my posts for motivation and encouragement. In the end, I proved that I was stronger than the urge.
But I didn’t achieve a complete victory, sadly. I succumbed to watching some kissing prank videos on YouTube. This only fed the urges more, like my saying - don’t use gasoline to put out a fire. I don’t want to watch those kinds of videos. I want to see women with genuine love and affection as fellow human beings, not objectify them and reduce them to tools for false pleasure as I’ve done so often in the past.
I learned just how crucial it is to respect each day and be thankful for how far I’ve come. Too far to go back - it’s so easy to fall back into old habits, but I’m choosing not to. I’m choosing to continue with this new life I’ve built. Now that I’ve started my journey towards Nineveh, I can’t go back and end up trapped in the belly of the whale once more. There are so many blessings in my life now. I thank GOD for this journey. The days on my counter are just a bonus. Gratitude is a must. Everyday has to be approached with the same diligence and respect as Day One from now on.
Not only that, but I’ve been blessed with amazing companions on this journey; companions I can and should have reached out to when I was struggling. I cannot be prideful regarding having passed 90 days. Whether I’m on 100 days or 10 years, I must ask for help if I need it. This journey is NOT EASY! It’s not the world’s strongest addiction for nothing.
you are my big inspiration. you know that you don’t need PMO. and you are doing it with a good, healthy mindset. keep moving. write down on paper what is bothering you. give yourself some time to relax and sleep properly.
please, you really don’t wanna be where I am right now. you are climbing out of the deep pits of hell on earth. you came so far. just keep moving.
I’ll take some time and reflect on my journey. I need to renew my commitment. I’ve fought so hard to get to 90 days that I lost sight of the journey. This is only another stop along the way.
After seeing how easy it is to fall back into old habits, I’m extra cautious at this time, especially given the chaser effect. Relapsing is always an option, but it’s not one I’m choosing to make. I’ve set up some accountability software on all my devices and a friend will monitor my activity online and help keep me on track.
@Aoshigreen Thanks man. That’s definitely something I want to work on - treating and looking after myself.
I really enjoy reading - I could do more reading for fun instead of educational. I like to dance and listen to good music but I hardly do that. I really like cake I’ve been worried about going back to old junk food habits but a treat now and again wouldn’t hurt.
I’ll think more about this. It’s a different mindset to what I had in the past; I did things more out of habit than because I enjoyed them, so I spent loads of time watching senseless TV and playing video games which I didn’t even care about completing.
I love cake too. Cake is awesome, Thanks be to God, truly
Thank you for creating the person who delights in making a good cake, so that we can delight in the creation and say “wow, this is good cake”… “nom nom nom”
I love Maria Callas the great Opera singer.
She brings tears to my eyes, I very rarely listen to her because I never want to tire of her beauty.
More changes are needed. I grew into the person capable of passing 90 days, now I must grow into the one who can pass a year. Two years. Five years.
One day at a time. Thank GOD I’m still standing. I’ve had to swallow some harsh truths. I’m grateful for my friends and companions. One friend has suggested that I stop using YouTube. Man…it’s barely been a day and that’s seriously difficult. YouTube has been a staple food since 2009. But I’m here to recover fully.