I’ve decided to start new diary as I have left the old one long time ago. I have easily reached half a year without relapses, felt over confident and here I am, back to this forum.
This time will be different. I was always in lack of privacy to write posts here, I was sharing dorm room with 2 friends. Now we are in flat and everyone has private room. So I hope to post here almost everyday.
What happened when I was out of this forum? Long story short.
-My streaks were longer and longer with record half a year.
-I have a job in electronics for 9-10 months now, atmosphere there is great, duties challenging, salary is nice and my boss is satisfied about my performance.
-Me and my 2 roommates moved from dormitory to a flat. We have seperates room, but still we talk and meet quite often in the kitchen or our rooms.
-I started dating a girl of my dreams. We’ve bee doing really fine, we’ve just came back from 2 weeks long cycling trip. I’m about to propose to her, but first I need to have some spare time to look for a ring, think of nice place to propose and to ask her parents(yes, I’m a bit oldfashioned).
-I bought a car. My first car ever. 13 years old, small engine… but perfect for my needs as I don’t use it often.
-I finished university. I mean classes, I need to defend my thesis yet.
My worries and why I need this forum again?
-I’m back at relapsing loop.
-This relapsing wasted a lot of my time recently. I have 2 weeks to build and write my Master’s thesis. It’s hard as I have full time job. I need to work all the time at my thesis. If I don’t relapse, it is possible.
-Posting at this forum was always good therpy for me. I hope it will be the same now.
Unfortunately I relapsed today.
But there is some progress. I made a list of things to do and it goes pretty okay for now. But progress with my thesis is very small.
And I feel like I’m missing sth in my life. My gf came back to the city after weekend at home. I refused to meet as I felt like shit after relapse.
Tomorrow back to work, than to thesis. 1,5 week left to finish thesis. I must do it.
Anything is Possible If you want to !!
Keep your Head up and defeat this shit. You are on good path to build your life like you have job,car,etc. Now you just have to work on your weak points.
All the Best mate
Today was hard day at work. And after recent relapses I was totally exhausted when came back home. Had some sleep, did some chores. It’s late in the eveneng now and I’m just starting working on my thesis.
I will write down plan of the next day and tomorrow I’ll strictly stick to it.
Relapsed again. The last time I couldn’t stand 24h without porn was about 5 years ago. I feel pissed about it.
Today I feel extra motivated for work on my thesis. Long night in front of me.
I won’t go for a dance lesson tomorrow. Priorities.
Don’t think of it as fighting urges and working, rather think of it as using all that energy in your work, you feel urges because you have excess energy, redirect it to your work.
Thus it becomes a single useful task with positive gains. Rather than two tasks both of which feel taxing separately.
I have relapsed again today.
I sleep ±3h daily for last few days. Hardware in my project is not working so good. Writing goes tough. I really want to finish writing this week and next week I’ll try some modifying for hardware. This is hard.
I got covid.
I was supposed to finish my thesis few days ago. But I was ill in bed. Tomorrow is last day of my sick leave. I will call doctor to give me more days. i hope it will be enough time for me to finish my thesis. ife sucks as its best.
There’s one good thing recently. My access to porn. I bought new mobile phone and told myself that it can’t be used for watching porn. 2 months and it still works.
My only source of porn is my laptop now. I lost feeling of horniness and this talking works for me with laptop too. If it will be problem, I will switch and use company’s laptop only so I don’t have any opportunity to watch porn.
I will think about it, for now I need to focus on my thesis.
No. They didn’t work for me. If i get desperate and extra horny then no blocker can stop me.
I believe in rewiring mind more. When I finish thesis I will read easy peasy method again.
I have headache, it’s so hard to write anything. Even my thesis advisor stopped repying when I was writing him that again no progress.
Of course, I’m still a little ill and can’t focus for 100%. But…
Yesterday I realized that I can’t finish my thesis in 2-3 days and there’s no point trying. I need to get my life back. To get good sleep, to get good food, to have time to stick thoughts together, to do some home chores. And that’s it. Today and tomorrow I’ll write few pages of my thesis and then I will write to my advisor that I will defend it next month. That due to covid that I’m having it’s impossible for me to finish thesis now. He is supposed to accept it I guess.
And I visited my girlfriend yesterday. It gave me huge boost of good mood. There was a sign also. Recently I was wondering what should be my opinion on anticonception and living togethr before marriage. And guess what, there’s was a book on my gf’s desk. It’s written by polish priest, sth about purity and related stuff. I borrowed it from her. I’m so excited about what will be inside.
Yea, I feel much better. No more waiting for living my life and self improvement to the time when I finish thesis. I started better life today.
So I’m on business trip abroad. I planned it for this week as month ago I believed my thesis would by written by this week.
Less free time so less time for writing, it’s extremely hard now.
I wasted so much time on porn that was supposed to be my thesis time.
I was thinking if I can tell my gf that I have overcome huge addiction, that it’s my success. Instead I’m back at this shit.
She called me yesterday and told that she just can’t understand how can I spend so much time on thesis and have no progress. I told her I can’t focus. It was painful conversation. I must work, must finish this f***ing thesis.
Still in relapsing cycle
Deadline for my thesis is coming. I cant focus. I’m in lack of sleep.
The only good thing is that I got promoted. I didn’t ask for it so it’s super cool.
I’m only dreaming of how great it will be after I defend my thesis finally.