Jaani this is not cool. why fapping so frequently ??? and please report before fapping.
D0 — Since the reset: I showered, did laundry, did the dishes, took out trash, binged on cookies, binged on a TV show, ate and drank healthy, kept in touch with parents but lied to them about my academics, slept and dreamed an amazing dream (very rare for me, usually nightmares o), found it comparatively easy to get up and get going albeit I woke up in the afternoon. I spoke with friends and updated my companions so far. I ate healthy. I wrote in and organized my journals. I updated my to-do list.
I live in a pretty warm climate so I take cold showers on the regular anyway. So it doesn’t work with me because I’m used to it. Thanks for sharing!
No problem Natalia____ )
D1 — it’s a tough cookie to crack, getting back into the swing of things but it will be done. Now, I’m going to get the day going. It’s about bloody time. My friend told me a quote once… “we cannot go back and change the beginning, but we can start now… and change the ending.” There’s lots of things I don’t type here for the fear of realizing that they come true or that by voicing them, I can’t sustain the ignorance that “protects” me from them or gives the illusion of it nonetheless. BUT, I will begin to write the complete unadulterated truth in my journals now.
It’s important to find out how deeply and where and why the PMO system is lodged into your psyche, behavior and substructures and what triggers it and how you’ve wired the circuits together… and what you find out like when you try to expose one reason… are a multitude of equally ugly, disastrous and hellish reasons/decisions that are all linked and only by understanding how they function together… can the weak spot be found and then swiftly eliminated.
“keep your head up and keep the faith, hope for better days” - tupac shakur, listening to his songs for the first time… recently found out he was 25 when he was assassinated.
I’m 25. Almost 15 years of those, I indulged into feeding the sexual appetite in all its forms. This is 60% of my life. And no, are we insane enough to think that the entirety of the 60% was wasted on PMO? Of course not. I slept. I ate. I showered. I went to school. I made some friends. I had a few laughs and I had a few cries. I grew older, I grew up, I learned things, I succeeded at some things and failed at others. I got up every time. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to kill others, I had many rock bottoms, I had many moments of shining in the sun. I gave a lot of my heart away for free, I loved a lot, I cared a lot, I truly gave a shit and I also retreated into isolation, into bitterness, negativity… but I’m still here.
I’m still here.
Let’s do this together dude.
Am also 25 years old. It’s all up to us. Its not impossible to do this. Because many people have done it before us. And many ones are still doing this.
As far as I understand, you are a frequent relapsed like me. If we do this in a systematic way, we won’t relapse. Even if we relapse we will have a clear idea on what is leading us to relapse.
We have tried various methods and succeeded and failed. But never give up brother. It’s our life. Those shameless industry is making money by destroying our life. They have nothing to lose. Instead we have many.
Think about the beautiful life we will get once we are out of this. We are still young. It is still not late for us. Think about a day, when we achieve whatever we have aimed at and succeed in life. That satisfaction will be immense. We will look back to our life and say I HAVE DONE IT. We will fell proud of ourselves.
So, for that BEST version of ourselves, let’s do this brother. Let’s do this together.
Let’s get to it man! Let the past rest behind us, it’s already passed - no point carrying it into the future and allowing it to ruin our present. There are real reasons that need to be addressed… why out of all things do we go back to it, what are we trying to escape from? In trying to avoid real life, we make it that much worse. No more of that… Look at the time that’s still waiting to be lived to its fullest! And if we will, we must begin now.
Speaking of systematic… I’m keeping my room tidy and only for sleeping, prayer and writing. Academics are done in a public place from hereon out. My phone and laptop time to a minimum and used necessarily for academics. Push-ups for urge control when I’m on my own. Daily I’ll write here however much I can and keep in touch with those who want the best for me. Just this. All my creativity I want to pour in my studies.
You and I both, we’re high-soaring eagles… it’s ridiculous to continue hopping on the ground to move around. You’ve written and I’ve written, this is the bro-code that mustn’t be broken! The greatest challenge as far as I can see is to be convinced deep down that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and that the tunnel ends soon so that we may be in the light where we’re meant to be.
I half-finished the book - Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson — I got some clinical help and my parents are helping me as much as possible.
I went to see a psychiatrist and I’ll start on antidepressants soon. I also told him about my pmo addiction and my failed online relationships. First real-life face to face person I told. Having said that, I finished Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson and I’m most inclined to believe that pmo is my major problem if not the only one and all the other things are symptoms of pmo. So Ill be careful not to overdo the dosage as I still maintain… I’ll do it as naturally as possible.
Feelings man. Feelings. Such lies.
I woke up early for the first time in weeks. I’ve achieved day 5 for the first time in months. For now, it’s do or die for me, truly!
Edit 1: Putting too much pressure on myself makes me want to escape… I tried edging for a bit… didn’t feel right so stopped. I must be careful about this shit — I’m not going to be a failed statistic, five days is nothing, I did 50… and I will do more… until I own the present moment, I will not cease my efforts.
I’m on the brink. If I must fall, I can fall forwards, that I can do.
Edit: darn flashbacks… it beckons, it lies, it ensnares… I shouldn’t have edged yesterday… oh well. Clear my mind - I can only stop it before it ever happens again. No to edging… of any degree… of anything that leads to sexual cues… that includes any mindless Internet browsing and procrastination and isolation.
Forgot to write. It was my first day on full antidepressants. I had severe doubts whether I should be taking them at all. I am realizing how deeply unlikable I have become, the better I get. I shun the goddamn self-pity… the fucking emotions that make me chained to wanting to escape into fantasy and immediate pleasure… whether it’s edging or whatever… anything to break the rules and not that, the master procrastinator… spending time and giving my all to useless things rationalizing that I’ve at least given it my all… doing everything but what is necessary and in need at the moment. Enough with the bullshit.
Day isn’t over yet but so far, I feel like the worst person in the world — but I’m using that as an impetus to work onwards and not yield instead of a downtrodden excuse to further justify my indiscretions and depredations… casually tossing aside the dedicated help and time and effort of everyone who wants better for me. How can I single-handedly be my own worst enemy… it’s my damn thoughts. My standards for reality. My arrogance, my feelings of resentment and envy and bitterness and hatred due to fear… so much fear. This day is the first of its kind… I turn things around from this point onwards, all in my favor. Peace.
What is seeping negativity into the day going to do? What’s done is done. I can’t change the past. I cannot change most of the present. I cannot influence the future exactly as I like. But what I can do… I can do. What I can control, I can change to the best of my strength. And all that energy that’s going into distraction, negativity, and thinking about bullshit is best reserved for the things that I can change that’s in front of me right now. Here we go!