Jaani this is not cool. why fapping so frequently ??? and please report before fapping.
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D0 ā Since the reset: I showered, did laundry, did the dishes, took out trash, binged on cookies, binged on a TV show, ate and drank healthy, kept in touch with parents but lied to them about my academics, slept and dreamed an amazing dream (very rare for me, usually nightmares o), found it comparatively easy to get up and get going albeit I woke up in the afternoon. I spoke with friends and updated my companions so far. I ate healthy. I wrote in and organized my journals. I updated my to-do list.
I live in a pretty warm climate so I take cold showers on the regular anyway. So it doesnāt work with me because Iām used to it. Thanks for sharing!
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No problem Natalia____ )
D1 ā itās a tough cookie to crack, getting back into the swing of things but it will be done. Now, Iām going to get the day going. Itās about bloody time. My friend told me a quote onceā¦ āwe cannot go back and change the beginning, but we can start nowā¦ and change the ending.ā Thereās lots of things I donāt type here for the fear of realizing that they come true or that by voicing them, I canāt sustain the ignorance that āprotectsā me from them or gives the illusion of it nonetheless. BUT, I will begin to write the complete unadulterated truth in my journals now.
Itās important to find out how deeply and where and why the PMO system is lodged into your psyche, behavior and substructures and what triggers it and how youāve wired the circuits togetherā¦ and what you find out like when you try to expose one reasonā¦ are a multitude of equally ugly, disastrous and hellish reasons/decisions that are all linked and only by understanding how they function togetherā¦ can the weak spot be found and then swiftly eliminated.
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D0
ākeep your head up and keep the faith, hope for better daysā - tupac shakur, listening to his songs for the first timeā¦ recently found out he was 25 when he was assassinated.
Iām 25. Almost 15 years of those, I indulged into feeding the sexual appetite in all its forms. This is 60% of my life. And no, are we insane enough to think that the entirety of the 60% was wasted on PMO? Of course not. I slept. I ate. I showered. I went to school. I made some friends. I had a few laughs and I had a few cries. I grew older, I grew up, I learned things, I succeeded at some things and failed at others. I got up every time. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to kill others, I had many rock bottoms, I had many moments of shining in the sun. I gave a lot of my heart away for free, I loved a lot, I cared a lot, I truly gave a shit and I also retreated into isolation, into bitterness, negativityā¦ but Iām still here.
Iām still here.
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Letās do this together dude.
Am also 25 years old. Itās all up to us. Its not impossible to do this. Because many people have done it before us. And many ones are still doing this.
As far as I understand, you are a frequent relapsed like me. If we do this in a systematic way, we wonāt relapse. Even if we relapse we will have a clear idea on what is leading us to relapse.
We have tried various methods and succeeded and failed. But never give up brother. Itās our life. Those shameless industry is making money by destroying our life. They have nothing to lose. Instead we have many.
Think about the beautiful life we will get once we are out of this. We are still young. It is still not late for us. Think about a day, when we achieve whatever we have aimed at and succeed in life. That satisfaction will be immense. We will look back to our life and say I HAVE DONE IT. We will fell proud of ourselves.
So, for that BEST version of ourselves, letās do this brother. Letās do this together.
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D1
Letās get to it man! Let the past rest behind us, itās already passed - no point carrying it into the future and allowing it to ruin our present. There are real reasons that need to be addressedā¦ why out of all things do we go back to it, what are we trying to escape from? In trying to avoid real life, we make it that much worse. No more of thatā¦ Look at the time thatās still waiting to be lived to its fullest! And if we will, we must begin now.
Speaking of systematicā¦ Iām keeping my room tidy and only for sleeping, prayer and writing. Academics are done in a public place from hereon out. My phone and laptop time to a minimum and used necessarily for academics. Push-ups for urge control when Iām on my own. Daily Iāll write here however much I can and keep in touch with those who want the best for me. Just this. All my creativity I want to pour in my studies.
You and I both, weāre high-soaring eaglesā¦ itās ridiculous to continue hopping on the ground to move around. Youāve written and Iāve written, this is the bro-code that mustnāt be broken! The greatest challenge as far as I can see is to be convinced deep down that thereās light at the end of the tunnel and that the tunnel ends soon so that we may be in the light where weāre meant to be.
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D2
I half-finished the book - Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson ā I got some clinical help and my parents are helping me as much as possible.
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D3
I went to see a psychiatrist and Iāll start on antidepressants soon. I also told him about my pmo addiction and my failed online relationships. First real-life face to face person I told. Having said that, I finished Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson and Iām most inclined to believe that pmo is my major problem if not the only one and all the other things are symptoms of pmo. So Ill be careful not to overdo the dosage as I still maintainā¦ Iāll do it as naturally as possible.
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D4
Feelings man. Feelings. Such lies.
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DD5
I woke up early for the first time in weeks. Iāve achieved day 5 for the first time in months. For now, itās do or die for me, truly!
Edit 1: Putting too much pressure on myself makes me want to escapeā¦ I tried edging for a bitā¦ didnāt feel right so stopped. I must be careful about this shit ā Iām not going to be a failed statistic, five days is nothing, I did 50ā¦ and I will do moreā¦ until I own the present moment, I will not cease my efforts.
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D6
Iām on the brink. If I must fall, I can fall forwards, that I can do.
Edit: darn flashbacksā¦ it beckons, it lies, it ensnaresā¦ I shouldnāt have edged yesterdayā¦ oh well. Clear my mind - I can only stop it before it ever happens again. No to edgingā¦ of any degreeā¦ of anything that leads to sexual cuesā¦ that includes any mindless Internet browsing and procrastination and isolation.
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D7
Forgot to write. It was my first day on full antidepressants. I had severe doubts whether I should be taking them at all. I am realizing how deeply unlikable I have become, the better I get. I shun the goddamn self-pityā¦ the fucking emotions that make me chained to wanting to escape into fantasy and immediate pleasureā¦ whether itās edging or whateverā¦ anything to break the rules and not that, the master procrastinatorā¦ spending time and giving my all to useless things rationalizing that Iāve at least given it my allā¦ doing everything but what is necessary and in need at the moment. Enough with the bullshit.
D8
Day isnāt over yet but so far, I feel like the worst person in the world ā but Iām using that as an impetus to work onwards and not yield instead of a downtrodden excuse to further justify my indiscretions and depredationsā¦ casually tossing aside the dedicated help and time and effort of everyone who wants better for me. How can I single-handedly be my own worst enemyā¦ itās my damn thoughts. My standards for reality. My arrogance, my feelings of resentment and envy and bitterness and hatred due to fearā¦ so much fear. This day is the first of its kindā¦ I turn things around from this point onwards, all in my favor. Peace.
D9
What is seeping negativity into the day going to do? Whatās done is done. I canāt change the past. I cannot change most of the present. I cannot influence the future exactly as I like. But what I can doā¦ I can do. What I can control, I can change to the best of my strength. And all that energy thatās going into distraction, negativity, and thinking about bullshit is best reserved for the things that I can change thatās in front of me right now. Here we go!
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@hellojaani great job involving your parents and getting clinical help, a very brave step to - youāre a better person than what youāre addiction makes you think!
Looking really good for you at the moment. You deserve the progress youāre making. I wish you all the best for your recovery!
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thanks my friend, it means a lot to hear you say that ā I definitely have to give all props to my parents for getting involved themselves and for sure, day by day Iām learning that Iām not that addicted guy ā generally people are averse to negativity and attracted to positivity but the sustained force of a pathological habit like pmo (or what i like to call pemos includes edging and other pseudo-sex stuff like chatting, āhotā YT videos, etc) makes it next to impossible to correct your trajectory.
Iām glad I have people to rely on and Iām more than glad when people choose to rely on me. Itās about time, I stop getting in my own way. Today 2 girls were walking past meā¦ and one of them, very beautiful make eye-contact with me and held itā¦ and when we were passingā¦ she saidā¦ I like that purple shirt of yoursā¦ and I managed to chuckle and whisper āthanksā and just kept goingā¦ I was likeā¦ cool. That never happens. Anyways, but more importantly, Iām actually doing things now and getting things doneā¦ Iām limiting and guiding and selecting and deciding and sanctioning my time towards limited tasks instead of āin the airā plans that never get done. So Iām definitely more grounded. I hope to continue this. All the best to you brother!
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D0
Houston we have a problem. First 10 day streak this year. Not complaining. The entire week was stressful and too much change came too soon and I was unprepared. I didnāt feel bad about it. Looking forward.
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Two months later. Cleaning in progress, Iām coming back to the fold! Let the games resume!
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