[25 M] Hellojaani's Diary



it’s a matter of persistence and not strength or power… repeated, consistent effort to make life better… nothing like false motivation that hypes your false ego up for a few hours then you come crashing down… more about understanding our place in the universe and in human endeavor and in society… and the choices we make, end up making us. I hope the best of us make good choices henceforth.


D0002 - 0922 on 02/26/2019

Forget about the trials of yesterday and the battles of tomorrow… I wont lay like I did so many times, in a bed full of sorrow. Its a lyric from pursuit of happiness kid cudi remix or something. I feel exhausted and I just woke up.

I will persevere and prove the negative thoughts wrong… rip away the downward mindset moment to moment… day by day until its gone!!! I dont care how long it takes.


I’ve said it for days now… this time for real - next login on Sunday, March 3rd 2019… until then!


D0000 — Monday, March 4th 2019

I suffered immensely.


D0001 - Tuesday, March 5th 2019

Suffering amplified and crescendoed to reveal long forgotten lessons I’d abandoned.


D0002 - Wednesday, March 6th 2019

Preemptive entry. Waking up from this hell is my life’s purpose now.


How long will you sleep. Wake up.
You can do this, Jaani. Go beyond what you have before. Stay away from those triggers. Uproot them!


Yes man… Come on…you can do it. This time you won’t give up.

Let’s do this…

Sharing code: z12r5l
Days 1


Hi @natalia
U are doing well & keep going.
I have one question for u(just curiosity)
Do any female get same benefit like any male get after high no fap streak???

benefit no PMO 1 month

  1. Clear thinking
  2. Breathe better
  3. Smoother mood transitions
  4. Sharper mental dexterity
  5. More articulate
  6. Better memory
  7. Working through stress more effectively
  8. Increased energy levels
  9. Reduced depression
  10. Deeper interactions with others
  11. Improved integrity
  12. Boosted confidence
  13. No social anxiety
  14. Better focus on task at hand
  15. Enjoying simple pleasures more deeply
  16. Increased faith in ability to control negative mental triggers
  17. No risk of arrest or legal troubles
  18. Increased joy
  19. Renewed self-respect
  20. More free time
    (A male post in rewire companion)


Thank you, @batish.
Women definitely experience the benefits of no-fap, or should I say no-PMO, because it’s not JUST about masturbating, aka fapping.

It’s the addiction that needs addressing.

Like any addiction it’s about thought processes. You address the illusion of control.
Particularly for us rewiring, it’s about changing the way we think about sex as a commodity.
It’s about teaching the brain to not see intimacy as instant gratification.
It’s about developing a healthy outlook towards the opposite sex. I used to objectify men and I used my own body as a tool. It’s not about semen retention for the people who are addicted because this addiction is a mental struggle for men and women alike.

With the quitting of any addiction there are so many benefits. The ones you listed are pretty generic; except the alleviated legal troubles. (I recently quit smoking after 11 years and felt similar benefits)
For me the differences I see from ending the PMO cycle are:

  1. I receive pleasure from the slightest touch by my boyfriend.
  2. I no longer need to masturbate to release tension
  3. Porn is exposed as the unnatural indulgence that it is and it gives me a sick feeling that’s replaced the arousal I once felt
  4. I can keep my hands to myself and not try to be too physically familiar with men.
  5. I definitely have a more positive outlook and I have time to do other things that I have wanted to do, like working out. Therefore I am fitter and that in itself is a big boost to my physical and mental well-being. Exercise is the replacement for a lot of my unhealthy habits from before, so it’s not just quitting that helps.

The point is that quitting only freed me to invest in myself. That’s where I see benefits. Hope that answers your question!


This is where boys also experience most of the benefits.


Exactly! You create new habits and become amazing


Cold shower is amazing as well try it too.


Every numbered post was meant for every day I was absent from the thread. It didn’t come to fruition since I was once again bringing the present to the future aka delaying the inevitable. Planning means the inverse i.e. bringing the future to the present. I’ll post it nonetheless because it is important to me:

I’m starting a new thing - defining 10 goals I have for 2019… (yes, late start by but better late than never and better now than later and I say this rarely, that’s why it means something). The format is that each number represents a vision and goal looking forward to the end of 2019 and each bullet point represents me having accomplished it and looking back.

1. Positive drive for life - To be present in all endeavors I'm in. Simply be there. And I've no doubts that I will acquire the positive drive just being where I need to be when I need to be there.
  • Looking back, I inspired inner-change within me and within others and we together strove for the light and it was because I was where I was meant to be, always present and engaged.
  1. Better understand myself - To think on paper and keep my handwritten journals a vital part of my routine however small. One journal is free-form and the other is structured where I answer questions regarding recovery and targeted improvement.
  • In hindsight, I understand and empathize with myself - all I needed was reassurance that the light will overcome the darkness but instead of generating that within, I took to fear that led to anger that led to hatred that led to suffering that led to the dark side. I held self-limiting beliefs about sex and about morality that made me resentful, bitter and envious. I had a huge problem of pride and arrogance which, coupled with conceit and self-righteousness, made me isolate myself. Finally add in a little deceit… willful ignorance to stampede my self-awareness and make me loyal to a path than to a goal. I didn’t believe I had the strength to combat the obstacles I would face if I were to strive to achieve my highest goals. And I wanted to believe that I was better than everyone and I realized I wasn’t and I knew I wasn’t and I had tasted “success” in whatever amount to know how the world opens up to you when you’re at the top but it’s damn lonely. In reconciling irreconcilable elements of nature, I fed into my weaknesses and justified not putting in the effort by saying it’s not worth it because of xyz excuse and I was of the belief that I was better than others and I deserved accordingly and to be average was inexcusable and worse than death… so I thought a meaningful life is only at the edges of life, at the boundaries into unexplored territory and as I realized just how arduous and difficult the journey would be to the top once more… I said fuck it, if I can’t be at the top, I will fucking show everyone a new dimension of the bottom and so I chased the bottom. For me, PMO has a huge part in this, it was a death drive and a tool to further desecrate life that didn’t seem to be worthy of goodness… I sought and held onto cancerous ideologies as a means to an end. I made a choice to do myself in. Yes, that’s the truth… but only a small part of the truth. The actual irrefutable truth was that I was a young teenager and smart but also prideful and weak-resolved. I had parents that I couldn’t speak to about this. I was placed in new and harsh environments growing up and over time I justified my unwillingness to fight because I saw the immense destructive power that was within me and bought into low resolution cowardly morality of peace and listened to the wrong mentors and peers who amplified and manipulated my weaknesses. My issue was always with myself and because I couldn’t go back and change the wrongs, I grew vengeful… I had a very curious nerve and as they say, curiosity killed the cat, I wasn’t a master of my domain and PMO was a way I punished myself for not living up to my ideal… and I made it appear like this was a challenge and experiment I’m conducting on myself that only if I overcame it I will feel accomplished… that I will seek to inflict maximal cognitive dissonance and suffering on myself to see if I can overcome it… and this was my vengeful side poking into me self-destructively. I read a quote recently that depression is rage spread thin. I was a fool. I thought I chose to lead a life of passion rather than reason. I was wrong, the passions led me… they are stronger than me and all I did was make the choice to dive-in headfirst into the river of my emotions. I was addicted to the vicious cycle self-righteously, indignantly, that I see a wrong and I attribute blame on someone… if it’s me… I punish myself instead of sympathizing, if I felt like sympathizing I grow resentful that why am I being so forgiving, why do I find myself in a place to be sympathetic instead of victorious, why instead of me receiving the blame for a wrongdoing… why wasn’t I strong enough to not do or partake in the wrongdoing altogether… and then negativity would seep in and I punish myself by indulging in pmo… and then hating myself for it and then forgetting about it and then being reminded of it and then once again the cycle starts… the only common denominator aside from the fact that with repeated indulgences and loops the cycle got more restrained and chaotic and vicious, was that my drive here was downwards… the initial choice I made was founded in emotion and that’s what I was fueling. All the intellectual garb and reasonable and unreasonable reasons came as sophisticated and complex justifications masking the deep emotional decision I had taken as a result of my world-view which was decided by CHOICE and not by everything around me… I deluded myself into ignorance so far that I literally believed (rather forgot and eroded my memory to a devastating point that I couldn’t remember basic things because I just wanted to forget and move away from the world) that my environment makes me… and because my environment is negative at present, there’s nothing I can do to change it… because me against the environment… aka the sum of its parts equals the whole, zero-sum philosophy… obviously the environment, the world wins and so I am just hopelessly stuck and my suffering will escalate and continue and because I chose this path a long time ago (doesn’t matter if it was based on ill-advised lies I was convinced of, bereft of love and life), my only choice now is to lessen this misery… and who would want to live such a life… where the highest aspiration is “my life will be shit but less shit than it is today” so I said fuck it… if it’s gonna be shit, I will make it the foulest fucking shit that has ever existed on earth… I was very very very dark and devoid of connection and sparing the details, I did things that I if I remember, immediately brings tears to me eyes. But I wasn’t irredeemable, I came back and having gone there and come back from there, I cannot believe the unfathomable ocean of pure energy that resides in me. To have known darkness that close and not only survived but been a beam of light, to be positively on the side of genuine good again… I have gained self-respect.
  1. Manage a great routine - By keeping a simple yet manageable schedule that I don’t spend more than 5 minutes a day on. Planning is bringing the future to the present — this will save time for me to do things I want to do.
  • In retrospect, I sincerely followed a routine that now has become ingrained into my memory and character so much that I spend no time at all on it, at any time I know what I am doing and where I must be and I am always there because I love what I do and I am grateful that I get the opportunity to be doing what I do.
  1. Excel academically - My path to reclaim and revitalize myself that I may discover what peaks my interest and towards what I can dedicate my time in - to conclusively determine my character in any and all tests (even exceeding academics).
  • In every academic frontier, I applied myself completely and that is where I won. The outcome is almost beside the point, I am happy that I delivered what I promised and kept my word and I’m happy I even had the courage to have a word and a way. I did my karma according to my dharma and I am forever in debt to the grand life for blessing me with a samsara that allowed for it.
  1. Become self-sufficient - establish a vision and keep it thru maverick focus and cheerful detachment, with no attention paid to the progress, just to the journey, loving the independence because I am dependable.
  • I cut ties with all the lies that I was living in and now I don’t notice the difference between being and becoming independent and self-sufficient, I am trustworthy and I’ve proven it time and again and will continue to do so. The future genuinely looks bright and calls to me.
  1. Adapt with maximum efficiency - to build endurance against the fog of ignorance and untangle from the clutches of the snakes of the mind… resist not, awaken to the higher truth that I am the origin and I make the choices about everything in my life and have been doing so far, so there’s no question about being overwhelmed by trappings I’ve set due to having deciding to mislead myself xD - no more misleading, only leading and to great endeavors.
  • I adapt more effortlessly now than I have ever before. Discomfort is exciting to me and risks are thrilling - my memory is razor sharp and I recall my younger untainted self and see that child in me now. I like to challenge myself to achieve maximum efficiency and mastery in my endeavors and shun the constipated perfectionist tendencies for being too deadbeat and impotent compared to the flow I embrace.
  1. Actively engage with mentors - seek their guidance because they are the masters whose shoulders I stand on. They have been through the trials and tribulations of my present and successfully overcome them - they can really teach me and I want to learn everything.
  • I engaged with my mentors so thoroughly and so valuably that neither will ever forget the other. I am eternally grateful for having been under their stewardship and had a chance to serve under their leadership.
  1. Be in the best shape of my life - my health takes precedence, and what feeds my soul makes me the healthiest; it is closely followed by what feeds my mind, my heart and my body lastly. And I have all the energy and time to invest in growing in this dimension to completely uncharted territories in terms of overall fitness. Only consume/do what is absolutely essential.
  • I exercised and took care of my health so diligently that I’m at my peak fitness and only getting fitter with time. I feel my youngest now than I have ever felt! I love life and my spirit is a temple which houses my mind, heart and body.
  1. Better relations with parents - because they are my Gods in this world. Truly. I love them. I love my mother. I love my father. (I want to be able to tell them this and really mean it from the bottom of my soul). And one of my main objectives in life is to live a life so serene by letting their unconditional love in and giving it back to them. And to retain my honor as their son. I hope they someday forgive me for all the pain I caused them and realize that when I am causing myself pain, I am causing them pain (and everyone who is my dear friend and who loves me)… I am causing pain to everyone in my circle and all the way up the list of my ancestors and down the list of descendants because we are all integrally linked. I will do everything that I can do be the kind of son that I know I am. I can’t thank them enough and I won’t let anyone come in between me and this mission, not even myself. I remember their love. I will always remember.
  • I follow the example they set in life and I have embraced full responsibility for this life and now it’s my turn to be the parent. I readily assume all responsibilities of my family slowly and slowly ever more every day, my turn to take care of my parents and to pave my path in life, as they walk beside me. My turn to show them the best of life now.
  1. Make and keep good friends - By being a good friend myself — that’s all really.
  • I have so many friends now, I feel blessed and lucky. my life has completely turned around! I am happy.


Thanks to those who read my posts and encourage me here — it’s quite unbecoming to see a companion fail to learn the lessons and by proxy to let down those even slightly invested in his upliftment… all I can say is that every time I find that I’m my own harshest judge, I find 10 of you willing to say… keep going and be a positive influence in my life… this is not lost on me. I will endure and show my gratitude by rising above.


Brother you spoke your heart out. I got quite emotional while reading it through.
By the way your English and your sense of phrasing sentences is just impeccable. Don’t waste time and energy on fapping anymore . You can become an accomplished blogger or author .


thanks bro… it’s a good sign that you’re on the right path with the right people when you move others and when others move you. In fact reading good things, real positive things, encouraging and inspiring things you say, all my friends and companions here say… it makes me emotional too. How needless all the trouble seems that we went through in the privacy of our lives. It’s funny actually how good things move me tears more than bad things… but I think this is the norm. We expect the bad so much that when the good peeks its head, it’s… really quite moving, reminds me there’s genuine good in the world that it’s worth it to continue… that I was wrong and will always be wrong when I make the world and people out to be all bad… no, there’s real good… it’s just waiting for us to stop being blind idiots and grab its extended hand.


D0 - I’m writing this on D1 but I recall nothing of yesterday… except the things I want to forget and no wonder why. So I won’t fight against it. But I will mention that I made several promises and I broke them consciously. Mindsets of ruin, sin and weakness are not surprising especially at this stage, so I will recount the steps I took in the positive direction - the little that I did today was more than I’ve done in the past 2 weeks combined. This week will be a trying one… every hour is crucial for me and I will persevere. I chose life when I chose to abandon pmo and all its allies.


D1 - There’s approximately 6 hours left in the day and I will attack task 1 on my to-do list. I will report in regularly here, daily is my goal if possible. My next target is 3 days. I’m on the edge, on the brink and I feel the associated inertial mindsets heavily but I won’t be a deer in the headlights anymore. My uncompromising goal this week is to not give up — I won’t think more than a few hours ahead and restricting my domain of attention like this, I wish to focus on the next thing on my to-do list… it is long, upwards of 20 distinct tasks. Keeping my head down now.

not really all that productive b/c emotions out of whack but will continue tomorrow morning


Go ahead brother. You can do it. Keep your head up. God bless you and all of us…be happy