[25 M] Hellojaani's Diary

motivation

#41

As promised, speaking after delivering. I did something today that genuinely surprised me. First, I dreamt a horrific dream in which I almost died… I wont ever be able to forget this one. Thats two now. Also it made me picture the idea that theres no reason for me not to engage with reality… everyone is dead and ashes… its all a matter of time… and I saw a vision of standing in the rain at random funerals. And it gave me peace. Finality. That whatever we call life… it has meaning because it is limited. And so vulnerability and not knowing is a strength. It means you can grow. My mind
… was as usual running with negative ruminations and overwhelment as the norm… or so I thought… I just… I got up off my bed and did some work albeit at the last minute and got to a presentation just in the nick of time, racing in minus weather conditions (and changing electric rides nearly two times, both times didnt work)… only to find unfortunate circumstances challenging me to lose hope. I didnt. And having to assert and recall from memory my slides and I did. And I presented well. I talked to my group about my shortcomings. And I recommitted to being a student. And worked on it. Next time, again I report as I deliver!


#42

Dont ever look back on the world closing in. Be on the attack with your wings to the wind.

  • sweet sweet sweet victory yeah

Now yesterday sucked. What did I deliver? The fight! I could have delivered much more. It was a pyrrhic victory. Now on, not letting an entire day go to waste like that.

My trouble is lack of positivity and abundance of negativity. This is a source and consequence to the downward spiral. The way I get in control:

Do things I fear. Coming up… the delivery report of what happened when I did what I was afraid of doing.


#43

If you don’t mind sharing some personal details. …

What do you do?I mean,are you a college guy?have a job?

And when was the first time you started pmo?


#44

Thanks for asking Uchiha! I am an undergrad student in my senior year of engineering. My job search will begin at the end of this year.

I began pmo at age 12 - I was introduced to porn by a “friend” who after which, we had a falling out and I distinctly remember the last words I told him as I kicked him out of my house for the last time and I shouted, “you ruined my life!” We ran into each other a few years ago and it was a cordial interaction, we both matured but there was certain awkwardness. He invited me to his house but I didn’t go. Of course it was a matter of time before I was introduced to sexuality but once upon a time I heavily resented that it was through porn by someone I thought of as a friend. He told me that he wanted to show me “something,” and he came to my house and asked my mother if we could use the dial-up Internet for “school-purposes.” Next, he opened a hardcore porn site. I didn’t even know what sex was at that point… it was a huge shock to me (to understate it).

That’s where I’ll stop the story for now. Hmm… perhaps I should write the past in story-form to see how and what I remember. Just writing this felt good!


#45

Soka…

You seem like a person who would know how to beat urges…judging by your experience here…

Is too much stress in life causing you to relapse?


#46

Dattebayo!!!

And the cause of this stress is threefold - (1) my over-constraining my behavior that limits freedom to live, (2) having unrealistic expectations (striving for perfection which is unattainable instead of mastery which comes with time) over my work output and (3) swimming in rumination and isolation instead of reaching out to my peers, companions and mentors.

Thanks for digging into me Madara… always the sennin philosopher I remember! Arigatou Gozaimasu!

So, how are you escaping your Infinite Tsukuyomi? XD


#47

More like…how I’m planning to get rid of Black Zetsu (Porn xD):joy:

Well,I’ve made a promise of waking up everyday between 4:00 to 4:15 am

By the time its 4:30 am,I’m out of my house to go jogging/sprinting

I return home by 5:45 am…and then check out my followers streaks and these forums (Trust me,it gives the much needed motivation to not have a single sexual thought throughout the day!!:grinning:)

By 6:15 to 6:30 AM,I’m on my desk to do some mathematics and mug up chemistry (I’m a JEE Aspirant!)

I have SPIN Browser installed,blocks all sorts of erotic and NSFW stuff!!

I beleive I’ve gone 3 weeks clean,is because of waking up at 4:00 am,and going for a jog

Even Chanakya said in his Chanakya Niti
“If a young man,full of vigor and vitality,wishes to prosper in life,he must wake up before the sun does”

Swami Vivekananda also highlighted the importance of physical fitness for a celibate quoting “I wont lie to you my child,for I love you,but you’ll be more closer to heaven by playing football,than by reading the holy Gita”


#48

The Uchiha Nindo is strong in you! Three weeks is habit-forming time for all of this!

Waking before the Sun, exercise upon waking, and highly competitive academic goals (adding to that - listening to Chanakya Niti and Swami Vivekananda)… it almost sounds like I’m writing to myself from a while ago! Except today, I’m missing the most important part: actually doing all of these and that too regularly - “on lesser busy days I will” - deep down I know it’s an excuse - an excuse that’s no longer welcome in my life!

Consistently I write in journals, sumiran/read/listen to the Gita (began recently), call my parents daily, simplify and keep my environment spotless, eat conservatively and healthy, and go to every class as necessary. Everything else is inconsistent.

In talking with the God of Ninja - I realize I wanted to add something. You reminded me!

So what’s a challenge you have?


#49

I just want to reach that 90 day mark!!

I am a generally egoistic person xD (Not the kind that sees others as lowlifes,but the type who thrives to be at the top)

There is no way i would like to appear as a person,who cant stay without touching his D for 90 days!

So yeah…My ego is,kind of pushing me to do this xD


#50

D4 - Sunday

:white_circle: - said it
:black_circle: - did it
xxxxxxxxxx

:black_circle: Delivery - I delivered two major assignments!
:black_circle: Fear - One of them, I feared to delivered but did nonetheless!
:white_circle: Mindless Electronics - too much time on YT for music and on forums
:white_circle: Procrastination - too much time ruminating and sleeping
:white_circle: Alone in Room - too much time indoors, alone


#51


I can relate to that egomania.

I haven’t been to 90 days so I wouldn’t know.
I’ve been to 50 days twice in a row once upon a time.
Remember, don’t fight with Kaguya (PMO)… it doesn’t end well for anyone.

The fascinating thing is, with higher streaks, you begin to forget the day count because living life well is what takes center-stage attention — I want to get that and go beyond it. I discovered nofap in mid-2016 and since, I made the most terrible life choices I have ever made. I also made a few good choices and so I haven’t given up and nor will I.

My mission right now is to rise so high in life, way up so that my present completely dominates my past and my future prospects just keep getting better. What I need now, is a complementary POSITIVE outlook, perspective and understanding to run with my mission - this is my greatest challenge.


#52

Last night I was being dodgy in bed last night but fell asleep before shit got real. No more going to sleep dejected, dissatisfied and despondent. The antidote is doing only what is necessary.

Woke up before the Sun! Dreamed a solid dream.
Updated the forums, group, Master List, watched a video on YT about loneliness, spoke with a friend, called parents, had tea.

D5 - Monday

:white_circle: - said it
:black_circle: - did it

:white_circle: take-home exam
:white_circle: assignments due midnight


#53

Idiot. Instead I had a night of debauchary borderlining on relapse. Henceforth my drawing stricter, darker and wider boundaries to encompass dubious edging, procrastination and sexual chatter… means that what I did last night will become relapse in the future. I wont be draconian and impose todays rules on yesterday so from now on… this is law.


#54

I had to share it, a friend sent me this:

Teared me up. Love is still the answer.


#55

New Report Format
D0000 — 1114 on 02/21/2019

Screw the self-pity. Screw the self-defeatist behaviors. I am a beacon of fortune and I chose to be that the day I was born - I’ve gone through a rough patch and I’ve forgot who I am. I don’t care how tough the road is… all I need to do now is keep moving forward, no matter what. Let this day bring light and love to all life everywhere. Peace.


#56

D0001 - 2242 on 02/23/2019

Forgot to write here yesterday. I had all these plans and at first it was great but I quickly realized I’m leading myself to dark corners if I just plan and don’t act on them. No point in spending time organizing shit, no one can control anything completely… gotta learn to let go and live life as it comes… also because this is what I really want to do. I sense that I need to become dispassionate and detached in order for this to function but at the same time, make what I need to do, what I must do… my bread and water - my breath. I’ve consistently been reading/listening to the Bhagawad Gita in the mornings and meditating… this for the last two days… but I feel that the more time I invest in actually applying the lessons I know to be true, it’s even better than that!


#57

D0002 - 2246 on 02/23/2019

Today, it began very brilliantly - I wanted to see how much I could get done. I’ve been postponing action and only planning for a long time and the underlying issues I understand will only be solved once I begin acting on my plans laid out… but now I know I won’t act unless I really want to. I have a sense that if I report something, I must report only the good and never the bad but no matter what you report, what reality is… will manifest and the worst thing is to keep it bottled inside and this is what I’ve become an expert in. I don’t contend with life at large because I’m walking around with these ball and chains. I woke up from a nap today (had a wet dream, serves me right… indulging in tame sexual stuff) and having listened to audiobooks instead of working on what needed to be done. There’s an insidious part of me that I’ve nurtured that wants to divert my attentions and put me under extreme duress unnecessarily just to see me fail… but I know that’s the worst interpretation; in truth I am scared, I am frightened, I am overwhelmed, I am sad — and when I just admit it, I find bringing it into the light makes it vanish like dew drops on the morning grass as the sun comes up. Anyways as I listen to Namo Namo song… I finish this sentence. Let me do something.


#58

Relapse - Im just now resetting at D0003, no excuse. Not learning, just persisting in my old ignorance - lots of pressures in life are a cause but to choose this degrading outlet is unbecoming. My word is worthless until I can prove otherwise.

D0000 - 0842 on 02/24/2019

Alright… with tears in my eyes I type this. No more wasting time. I want to be a human being again!


#59

D0001 - 1040 on 02/25/2019

A challenge to wake up but I did it! A challenge to get ready but I did it! A challenge to get small things done but I did them! I challenge myself to keep up to my mark today. Sleep is less than 12 hours today… I can make 12 hours, hour by hour! Easy!


#60

We MUST learn from our failures. Sadly me too keep on failing these days. But we have no other options. We have to keep going no matter what happens. I hope one day we all rewire our brain completely.