[25 M] Hellojaani's Diary

motivation

#21

Dude you are relapsing way too frequently. You gotta be more watchful of your thoughts. Control the triggers in your mind


#22

100% agreed

Hence better tracking my habits

No Youtube (0/7)
No unecessary Internet browsing (0/7)
No more naps, sleep @ bedtime (0/7)
Out of bed, the moment I wake up (0/7)
Meditation (0/7)

Keep it small for now. Upon edit, daycount will rise!


#23

Don’t bring phone to your bedroom. Keep it away. Invest in alarm clock and put on the other side of the room to force you to stand up from bed.

Ask me anything in subject of relapses and how to prevent it, because I fight with this addiction since September 2016 and stuck in 0 - 10 days range.


#24

Cheers man! Keep giving these tips!

As far as I can tell… my issue is a lack of initiative and drive, as I see it, an internal malady and only has an external solution (and I wasted so much life trying to find an internal solution but only accosted my ego). So Im learning that the moment you engage with the world… this forum being a small yet vital extension of the world… see it in the right light of love, community, and growth… but again feelings are bound to change so… the stronger foundations Im investing in habits and actions.

My desk is furthest from my room so another habit…

Alarm and electronics away from bed (0/7)


#25

Don’t put too much pressure on you tho when you come up with new ideas for personal challenges.

To organize my day I’m using Habitica - time management organizer which gamifies your routine. It’s a RPG game where your real life action influence on you game progress. Community there is kind and helpful for newcomers. I’m also the leader of Porn-free support guild where despite sharing significant number of resources about porn addiction I also host reboot challenges every month! The website: https://habitica.com/


#26

I remember DLing it once. I preferred the Habits App because it was more straightforward for me personally.

On the putting too much pressure on myself element… I am guilty as can be. But I see its just another tactic to not be successful. Cant have that.

Once again, the small new habits are:

  • no YT
  • no mindless internet
  • sleep only at bedtime
  • no electronics in bed, alarm away from bed
  • wake up and get out of bed immediately
  • meditation (waking up app)

#27

Im on here too often lol gonna take a short break… from the app not from sobriety!!! Brb!!!


#28

Back!!! Okay so active day, had a good grade and a bad grade given back… im finally realizing shit is gonna end whether or not I see it or want it… people are gonna go home and life will be completely different.

And that I dont need to force myself to be the same person in changing circumstances… i can change along with


#29

Early morning. Hello!i had an out loud self-talk moment last night… felt great. And I had a good dream. Time to drink tea and get something done


#30

16hrs have passed since last post

I have done productive things but not vital things. Next I post… I will do so only after I do vital things.


#31

Im on the vital track now.

My next day target is being hit tonight. Day 3!


#32

Next Target is Day 7… lets go!

Thing to remember… cant delay things indefinitely… ultimately

Either things get done or they dont… and when they dont get done, you cant complain if youre done for as a result


#33

Just here to say hi… check in… not wasting anymore time here. Shall check this tomorrow morning again


#34

Alright… almost tomorrow… its 11pm. Im retiring for the night. Ive had a productive day. Ive lived such a depressing soup of a life lately that when good things happen… its hard to believe yknow. But it is good.


#35

A moment comes where you ask yourself what is important…

All of you, your health, your wellbeing, your prosperity, your goals, your dreams, your present, your future, what good you love to do, what good you imagine, everyone in your life that supports you, their genuine good wishes, aspirations and investment in you…

Or

All your lies, your ideologies, your depression, your childish attachments (to this, that and the other esp things that serve you detrimentally), your negativity, your loneliness, your resentment, your hatred, your pain, your excuses, your self-pity, your darkness, your isolation, and all the people who sicken, twist, manipulate, hurt, and hate you.

And this moment comes many times every day, and you answer one or the other EVERY SINGLE TIME… every single time without fail whether it is knowingly or unknowingly. Most of the time unfortunately it is unknowingly. These are called reactions. Some of those times, if we have cultivated enough self-awareness, it is knowingly and these are called responses.


#36

WARNING — MY DARKEST THOUGHTS

Today, I both reacted and responded negatively (continuing from the previous post). This day was a total waste and I made it so.

And I know why.
Expectations. Unrealistic expectations.

To mask my vulnerability, to hide my fears, to cover my inadequecies, to suppress my pain, to dismiss my ignorance…

To want to live up to everyones expectations and to want to have the best kind of life imaginable and if not… to feel that I have been grossly cheated - because even after doing everything right, I am delivered nothing… I feel empty. And fragile and the dark side beckons me.

Instead of building my future, building my failure - by continuing to self-handicap to avoid going into the real world to test myself nobly and instead becoming overcome by my impotent self-loathing (that is self-importantly self-inflicted) that is motivated by a kind of vicious justice to deliver a message… to the cobwebs of existence itself. Knowing that I cant destroy life itself, the way it has tried to destroy me… that I cant go out and cause enough havoc to justify this wretched existence… then I will take all that bitterness, all that sin, and all that chaos and instead of pointing it outward and exploding… I will point it inward and implode. If a supernova is out of the options… I will become a blackhole and suck everything in my vicinity into oblivion along with me.

I wont continue this way of life any longer. I cant. I dont even want to think or do the kind of things I do. I hate myself when I make the decision to consider the ill-bearing sides of me and of people and of the world to be more important than the cumulative good or any good. But Ive bit into the dark side… I made that decision to explore it.

But I wont let it destroy my life or anothers life anymore. Fuck that way of life. Ive had enough of it. Enough.

Where will all that teeth gnawing resentment run, where will all that fist curling hatred go, where will all that scowl bearing negativity live, where will all that lowered head weakness hide, where will all that darkness donning façade exist…

Now that I have made up my mind. I HAVE MADE MY DECISION. This is my choice and I have chosen it. And I will reaffirm this as many times as it takes so that it seeps into every part of the quark-gluon plasma soup Im made of and into every action I do and every thought I think.

You cant be on the goddamn fence… youre either for or against reality. I was misguided and I was against it for the later part of my youth and I did myself in that way. No more of that.

No more pretending to sit on the fence. No more secretly rooting for the worst in humanity to manifest so I can self-righteously justify its annhiliation. No more judgment on the entirety of Being. No more running into and after and around bullshit that amplifies such externally and internally destructive modes of living.

I am on the good side. I think and do good. I refuse to turn the lights off. I refuse to stop fighting for the good.


#37

You’ve written this so well.

It’s intense. I feel like I have to read it a few more times to fully grasp what you’re saying. And I’ll probably never know what you’re feeling.

But these realisations are legit. Glad you’re keeping record of it. Even if you chance upon an edit, you’re not stagnating in your journey.

Props!


#38

I wanted to be sufficiently dark without being too self-deprecating. I think if I mentioned specifics, it would paint a more vivid picture but I dont want to transgress any community guidelines by posting especially dark things.

Thanks for the support Natalia, really means a lot more than I can express :pray:


#39

The default is relapse. If I dont inhabit the spirit of life and love, I will accumulate at the bottom. This is not good. The struggle can be hard but my constant relapses of late suggests Im not learning. Typing wont change anything. Fuck the accounting. Whats the point of counting days if I cant make the days count? No more promises, only delivering results (after the fact).


#40

Thats exactly sounds like words of real warrior.

Come on brother. Let’s do the s together.

:muscle::slightly_smiling_face::muscle: