[25 M] Hellojaani's Diary

motivation

#1

Enough.

I nurtured and pushed any and all ill-bred motivations I had, into a life of misdeed and inaction, and now I’m bearing the consequences of my karma. I will use brevity and concision in serving the purpose that I willed this diary to have; this purpose being, the consistent reporting of the actions I carry out in the day for the next 1000 days. That’s for me. As for why I post this in the community — it is because I want the ultimate accountability as I broadcast my decision to rise come what may, to the world at large.

My daily report format:

Commitments

  1. Rewire Companion Forum: [25 M] Hellojaani’s Diary

Deadlines

  1. Until Day 1000

Consequences

  1. no-pmo for 1000 days

Sacrifices

  1. everything in favor of discipline

Incentives

  1. The life I’ve always wanted to live

#2

[1/7/1000] = [today/short-goal/long-goal]

It is day 3 and I’m recalling from memory, day 1. I was being a miserable hedonist. The uneasiness, cowardice, and bitterness so characteristic of me post-relapse, was spread into all areas of the day. Deceit, arrogance, and resentment, the dark triad, ran my entire day and I missed the mark on everything. And my report is blank because I had no commitments (didn’t find any utility in making them).

Commitments

  1. Nothing

Deadlines

  1. None

Consequences

  1. Depression/Nihilism

Sacrifices

  1. All that is good

Incentives

  1. Fuel negativity/hatred/sin

Although, it turns out that “indecision” is also a decision and therefore had its effects.

That’s it!


#3

[2/7/1000]

Once again from recall… it’s day 3 so we’re talking about yesterday. It was not a good day. It was better than the day before but it was not a good day. I cleaned up my room and I regulated my sleep/wake and meal cycle. I went shopping and did some upkeep - mostly busywork (better than nothing) but nothing vital.

Commitments

  1. Nothing

Deadlines

  1. None

Consequences

  1. Anxiety/Defeatism

Sacrifices

  1. Discipline/Truth

Incentives

  1. Benefits of procrastination

I slowly recovered from the relapse mindset by the inevitable passage of time and by indulging in busywork and comfort-seeking and distraction-driven behavior.

That’s it!


#4

[3/7/1000]

Today… began on the higher end but it was floating on a bubble of ego and reality burst it quicker than I could’ve anticipated. The kind of things I was pushing down to avoid while it was apparent but not until the threat was directly overhead and about to level me… I acted in base and immediate self-preservation. It’s a step up from completely giving up which has been the norm of late. I stayed true to my sleep/wake and meal cycles although the isolation tendencies (slightly better from yesterday) still persist. Day’s still not over, I anticipate to commit to something by its end and EDIT the following report (if I don’t edit, it stays as is).

Commitments

  1. Late submission of assignment

Deadlines

  1. Last minute after multiple warning emails and calls

Consequences

  1. Some relief but also some self-disgust

Sacrifices

  1. Self-respect and others’ (profs and peers) respect

Incentives

  1. self-delusion to protect my ego that serves my comfort-zone

The post-relapse mindset is still present… “to keep doing something that you know harms you”… particularly, my distractions of late are music and ultra-organization — in its place, I didn’t touch my phone more than necessary today and I deleted a lot of junk and will keep doing so.

That’s it!


#5

[1/7/1000]

Yesternight didn’t bode well. I didn’t choose well. I’m back at day 0 and spent most of the day, recovering in its wake. The night is still young, here I go again!

Commitments

  1. Finalize Master Schedule - acc. to SMART acronym

Deadlines

  1. By 7pm today

Sacrifices

  1. all distractions and comforts withheld and being held to a timer

Incentives

  1. Dinner is served afterwards - eat everything you want XD

Desired Outcomes (new addition)

  1. One spot to go to, to know all of my “who, what, when, where, why and how”'s

Consequences

  1. before finishing: I assume, a sense of purpose/direction
    :sunglasses: after finishing:
    edit 1: I got somewhere (but needs more time) - I ate moderately. New incentive: more food iff finished schedule in 30 more min - reporting in later.
    edit 2: It’s as good as it will ever be now but I overshot the 30 min deadline so no treat!

I wish to add more things once I finish #1. I changed the structure slightly for clarity and so it’s clear what I finished and what I didn’t. Also, I accepted a 20-day challenge from @Natalia - let’s do this.

That’s it!


#6

[0/7/1000]

I repeated the same mistakes over the weekend from which I refused to learn and grow. My entire life outlook is in question. From what I say to what I do is in question. Because none of it was for my well-being or any well-being whatsoever.

The app will count the days. I shall only report what I did during the day. Over the weekend, towards the end, I did some productive tasks e.g. cleaning and homework. I eagerly await tomorrow!

That’s it!


#7

Show how much are your words worth, how much are you worth! Beat addiction’s ass :wink:


#8

A glorious day… I would like to say. Comparatively speaking of course.

Although I skipped 2/4 classes, the other 2 were the most important and I attended them - much better than me MIA last week! One was being held a little ways away from campus and I had quite an adventure getting there - a memorable one, brought some color in life (I even got stopped by the police on the way haha) - next was a 3 hour lab - stayed the full time and my contribution was hefty. During the day, a couple of my dearest appliances broke but I managed… one of them being my laptop. But just one day away from it, has confirmed that it was more a hindrance than anything else. I’ll try to recover its memory… I type this @0230am after sleeping early last evening.

That’s it!


#9

The day hasn’t had 3 hours in it so far for me but running into an old friend and doing some solid right things yesterday and having had a good nights sleep and spoken mindfully with parents and had a good treat as a dinner yesterday gives me a boost today to make plans about today.

Since I’m awake at the twilight hour, I’ll sneak in a nap somewhere. Today my day begins at noon with meetings and classes until evening.

Commitment

  1. Three HWs
  2. Lab Report

Deadline

  1. Today
  2. Today

Incentive

  1. Morning uber trip
  2. Make a plan in the evening that I will follow (and not just make it for its own sake)

Sacrifice

  1. Time and Money
  2. Negativity

Results (I’ll edit the post after I did it)

  1. I started on 2 HWs
  2. I finished the lab

I’ve spent enough time on the app now.


#10

Alright… I’ve spent more than enough time on this forum for today and tomorrow. I’ll keep this short. My productivity increased no doubt but the better I get… the more I realize just how far behind I am. But I choose to take that as a challenge to surpass. I’m happy and outgoing and I have the first inklings of love towards life in general these days despite fallbacks and mistakes and accidents… I’m taking it in stride! Fuck it, might as well fight back with a smile, as I’m getting my ass whooped by life haha. Eventually I’m sure if I keep it up, I’ll be the one kicking ass. Btw I still rewarded myself.

For tomorrow’s deadline, I commit to homeworks. I will sacrifice the internet and incentivize myself with 3 good meals. The progress so far: not good so far… I have 9 hours remaining in the day. On edit 2, I report the results: I went out of my way to improve things so win! However nowhere near the mark I want to be at even realistically so gonna do it better. Also many things… many things I could’ve avoided and I still did it… that STOPS NOW.

Alright, that’s a wrap.


#11

Today I woke up at 9am and was on my phone in bed until 10… this changes from tomorrow.

I commit to a complete turn-around by the time I sleep… specifically, making life simple enough that I know what I ought to be doing at all points of time and that includes free time channeled into positive endeavours.

I sacrifice the 7 deadly sins and my incentive today is to take 1 hour and immaculately clean my living space.

Edit 1: approx 6 hrs till bedtime - 50% done
Edit 2: approx 4 hrs till bedtime - 75% done
Final Results: didnt finish


#12

I got demotivated hence didnt reply on regular time. Time to face the music. Goals for tonight accomplished… nope.

Relapsed.


#13

10 days it has been and my progress has built but very slowly. Been an exhaustive 10 steps forward 11 steps backward ordeal. Daycount-wise back to 0. And until I remove the underlying structure that supports a bad life completely, i have no way forward… heres to improving.

Cleaning up… done


#14

Alright. Back to it. Respecting the daycount… 2.

These are my five elements I turn to in SOS

  1. Telegram Group
  2. Rewire Diary
  3. Rewire Accountability Group
  4. Write in my Journal
  5. Call VIP People

Otherwise if its not SOS, I go back to work.


#15

I underestimated the time investment in following the aforementioned format (commitment, deadline, consequence, sacrifice, incentive) on a daily basis. I will then make my diary, a summary of my day and as a diary should be, make it personal. I was treating it as a task-keeper at first but Ive found better alternatives namely an accountability group I will create named: What I Do vs. What I Say where I will keep track of my goals and accomplishments (hopefully along with others).


#16

I began the new competition. Before I go offline for the day, I will spend the next 15 min taking what I nees from the internet.

I feel pretty fired up but also super nervous. Lots to do… Ill get to it! I really hope I can keep my word as its my first post.


#17

My Jungian shadow is quite insidious… once again relapsed. Three days. Cmon man. Im not even trying at this point. Lots of shit Ive kept stuffed deep in my heart. Going to write it out and see if such a disclosure and unloading will lighten my mental burden and relax my body… my breaths are shallow, my eyes narrowed, my thinking veering into negativity, and lots of bitterness and hatred within… clenched jaw and death stares… and I still manage to be social and be academically present… but this cant continue. On my own, I implode… ill keep track of new habits hereon out.


#18

Day 0 - the day is as goos as I am strong


#19

How were you thinking before?
What were you feeling?
Was there any changes in circumstance that might be triggers?


#20

Me alone in my room (today I avoid this)
No clear plan (at the least I know what I want to do right now and theres a sequence I can follow)
Taking to bed without being tired (meditate instead and internet access for academics and sobriety only)
Trying to escape feeling overwhelmed (talk to friends and walk outside)
Stressed out of my mind and body (massage the temple, face and neck)

In the parentheses Im including what Im doing to overcome the challenge. Thanks for asking Ao!