Monday, 14th Dec 2020
Woke up some 20 minutes ago. I again slept late last night. I need to go back to my old habit of sleeping and waking up early. I also saw a stranfe dream which I still remember. Nothing secual, but I saw that two girls I know/ once knew are in love with me LOL. This is strange because I have never seen them that way and also its been really long since I have seen them too. I have never been attracted to them either. So, I hope this was only a strange comical dream to keep me entertained LOL.
Anyways, yesterday was a busy day. I have decided to bring radical changes in my lifestyle. So, even though I live in a house filled with my family members and though I’m preparing hard for the govt exams, I have decided that from now on, I’ll do everything related to me in anyway by myself. I am going to sweep and mop my room everyday, even though there’s a maid. I am going to wash my clothes everyday, though there are 2 washing machines. And also only going to wear 2 sets of clothes from now on and discard my wardrobe, probably I’ll donate all of my clothes too if I find enough will some day. Once in a week, I am going to clean my room including spider webs, old books, bags, etc… Then clean my bathroom in a week as well. I even requested my mother to let me bake my own food, but she outrightly refused and hence I had to give in.
Apart from that, I have decided to wake up early and exercise 2 times a day (bodyweight+HIIT in the morning and running in the evening) after 20th, since I have an exam on 20th. I am also going to bathe early and then pray and meditate for like 20 minutes everyday as well. Remainder times in the days will only be spent in studying, eating, writing here , some minor replies to messages and share market and probably some time in playing with my little niece.
I have decided to do these things as I can’t rely on anyone anymore. I realize that most people my age are already earning handsome salaries, are living in their own homes and many are even bearing responsibilities of their family. While me, I am still a burden on my family. I am ashamed of my own existence. I can’t believe that I have been so selfish and everything that I hate, my whole life. And all because I was only thinking about sex all the time, which I didn’t have either while 99.99% of the people in the world have it by my age.
Anyways, I started working on my decisions from yesterday, I cleaned my room, washed my clothes, bathroom was already clean, so instead washed old shoes. However, good amount of time was elapsed in that and I could study for only 5 hours in the remainder of the day. However, that was because my room was in a very bad state, it hasn’t been cleaned in nearly an year. Also, the amount of clothes I washed was huge. And even the clothes were too heavy. So, I feel I’ll be able to do these things much quickly from next week.
As for urges, I had some urges but I overcame them. I am turned on by silliest of things, thats why I get so many urges despite nearly 20 days being passed. I have also realized this long time ago, that I suffer from hypersexuality as well as I have symptoms of some other mental problems like ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression disorder and even partial Asperger’s syndrome and borderline personality disorder. I also have anger issues, I get angry on smallest of things and then I’m often unable to control my anger So, I feel that this battle will cure a lot of things in my life. Yes, its harder for me but I can do this. Also, I feel that I’m not a very social person, I don’t greet people, I have a very rough tone of voice and I often talk very loudly and rudely. I hope I’ll be able to better myself in these areas too.
I have a long way to go in order to become a better person, someone that I want to be. I’ll need to perform extreme and continuous penance to cure myself and I know I’ll be able to do that . I am the owner of my body and my soul.