[24 M] PS's Diary

24th Nov, 2020
9:31 a.m. IST
Day 0
So, I have had my last relapse like nearly 2 hours ago, immediately after which I have decided to get rid of this addiction permanently. Its been over 1.5 hrs since I’ve joined this site and I’m determined to conquer all my addictions.

I’m going to Delhi tonight to get back my things which have been lying there for last 7 months in a PG. I’ll come back on 27th and hence from then on, I’ll start writing this diary regularly. I hope it helps.

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25th November
Day 1
3:54 PM
So, 1 day has already passed. I didn’t get many urges to do it, most probably because I was travelling since last night and have only reached Delhi this afternoon. I have been sleeping all night and morning in the train, so it was hard to get any urges.
But I do realize how weak my willpower is. I was sitting on my birth when I saw that there were 2 girls on adjacent seat and instantly I started to have dirty thoughts in my mind. I tried to suppress my wrong thoughts, but I couldn’t stop them. Meanwhile, those girls hardly ever looked at me even LOL.

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26th November
8:59 am
Day 02
So, its been 2 days since I began this journey. I slept early last night, so I didn’t have many urges. I woke up early as well and had already bathed by 6:20 am. It felt good. After that, I began reading Hanuman Chalisa, then some shlokas, Shiva tandav stotram and then I listened to MahaMrityunjaya Mantra Jap (which was nearly 8 minutes long) twice. Thereafter, I went to have my breakfast and now, I’m back here posting. Tbh it feels good.
However, I have realized one thing that keeping the track of days can be problematic in the long run, since it can overwhelm me at a later stage and make me full of glory and arrogance, something which I’ll never want to happen. I want to quit this for the rest of my life and hence days shouldn’t matter. From now on, I am only going to write about the happenings in my life everyday and won’t write the number of days.
I have also realized something problematic within me, its related to being unable to study. I feel like I’ve lost complete will to study. I’ll be throwing my phone away as soon as I reach home tomorrow and then , I’ll be trying to do productive activities as much as I can. I want to be a better person and I’m determined to fight for it.

27th November
1:20 PM
So, I came back home this late morning. Then I took bath and then had my breakfast. Thereafter, I played a bit with my niece and now since I’m feeling drowsy, I’m going to sleep. I’ll resume rest of the things thereafter.
As for urges, no major ones. But, there was some distraction as I waited on the platform and then even after I boarded the train, there was this one pretty girl on my adjacent berth. I wish I could talk to her and all that, but I have very high inhibition so I couldn’t. As I was having dirty thoughts about her, I took out Hanuman Chalisa and began to read it. It really helped. But when she got off the train , one stop before me (approx 1 hr earlier, Idk why I felt very sad. But its ok. For the looks that she possessed, I guess she might be having several guys around her already who are already way better than me. So, now I should focus on becoming a better self everyday. Theres no other option. Right now I’m tired and drowsy, so going to sleep.
Have a great time ahead to anyone who reads this.

Saturday, 28th Nov. 2020
12:23 PM
I woke up around 5 PM yesterday after posting here. Went outside the room where my elder brother and his daughter (my niece) were standing. Rest of the evening pretty much was spent with my niece. Saw a horror movie late night and slept around 2:30 AM as I wasn’t feeling drowsy because of sleeping in the noon.
Woke up around 7 today, received some new messages from a very dear friend. It was a beautiful start. I also restarted working out this morning with light exercises. Then, did some other things and just had my breakfast some time ago.
However, an important thing has happened in my life. I recently applied for opening a demat account to participate in share market. I was contacted regarding the same on 25th Nov, but since I only came home yesterday, I uploaded my documents last night and by 10 AM this morning, my demat account has been opened via Sharekhan. I hope I’ll succeed in this one area atleast. I’m excited and nervous at the same time, but I think risks are important in life. Have a great day ahead.

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Sunday, 29th Nov.2020
9:02 PM
Its kind of hard to fathom for me that I can’t study these days despite trying. Its really getting into my head. Probably because of my age, because of which I feel like a wasted human. Sometimes everything comes over to bite you so that you feel more miserable and alone. Well, anyways.
Can’t remember doing anything productive for the rest of yesterday. Had a long chat with friend and thats pretty much it. Woke up around 5 AM today, studied a bit and slept down again. After waking up, entire day was spent watching cricket match and then a bit of films. I’m getting urges right now, I won’t lie about it. Thats why I’m here writing my journal right now, so that my will doesn’t get weaker. I’m trying to sleep so that I start a new day in a new way. Lets see how it goes.
Right now, my streak is over 5 days and I want to continue the streak as long as I can.

Monday 30th November, 2020
5:30 PM
Last day of the month. From tomorrow, a new journey will begin. I’ve already signed up for several challenges here which are imterconnected in some way and hence will help me in achieving my goals.

  1. Phone screen time challenge
  2. Study challenge
  3. Challenge to complete some goals by the end of 2019
  4. Biggest challenge to beat my craving and not give in
    Life can be pretty funny at times and pretty sad at others. But I hope nothing stops me from becoming a better person which is the ultimate goal pf my life.
    I woke up around 6 today. Studies from 7 to 9. Worked out a bit and ran for like nearly 25 minutes too. Probably I’ll be able to lose some weight that way. I already hate how I look right now.
    Anyways, thereafter the day was spent with my cute niece and rest of the family members. I want to study more, that’s the only thing which I’m looking forward to improve. If I can study more, I can beat everything. I also need to improve my answer writing skills and I’ll work on that from tomorrow as well.
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Tuesday 01st December, 2020
7:18 PM
A new month. Idk what to say. I had planned a few things but was able to execute only a few on the first day. A brief overview:

  1. I really feel very sad about the fact that I am not able to study. This is my biggest problem right now.
  2. I woke up like over 2 hours after the time I had fixed. A big reason was sleeping late last night and the cold winter mornings. But I can achieve this.
  3. I jogged for an hour today. There is some pain in my calf, but rest everything is good.
  4. I was able to keep myself away from phone till around 1 pm but after that I started trading in share market and the entire day passed in the blink of eye. Also made an overall loss of 6 Rupees haha.
  5. Spent time with my little niece. :slight_smile: Yeah it screwed my schedule a bit but Idk if I’d get that much happiness elsewhere.
  6. Watched a movie.

I hope I’ll be able to follow my routine tomorrow. Thats the only thing I wish for. It’ll really help me bettering myself and getting a job. Thats all for today.
Oh, and I’m PMO free for over a week now. It feels good. Though I felt some urges today, including some stupid ones, like while fixing one of the dolls of my niece which happens to be a barbie in backless dress. And a few little things here and there. But overall, good.

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Thursday 3rd December
7:46 am
The last day has been very tough and so has been this day so far. Its like my body is almost pleading me to jack off right now. If I stay firm for next 10 minutes, I’ll be able to complete 9 days of this streak… but what after that? I’ve joined this site in order to quit this habit for the rest of my life but the condition that I’m in right now is very dangerous. I almost forced myself to sleep at around 12 am last night. I was even gonna have a wet dream tonight but I woke up just few minutes before that (due to ability to recognize it from previous experiences) and saved myself . My body is really trying to get over the line, and hence it has left me feeling extremely lonely this morning already.
Anyways, I’ll give it as much as I can to stop myself from fapping. I feel that if I can get through these few days, I’ll be able to maintain my streak for a longer time.
As for other things for Dec 2, everything is ticked but not studies. I need to work on that tbh but my mind is not working at all. I wish I could clear my brain of all the bad thoughts, urges, guilt, failures and all the bad past experiences like we can clear the history of our internet browser. Huh, a few important things are still not possible, probably the most important ones.

Saturday 5th November
7:17 am
I did not go to run today, so I’m here writing new entry to my journal.
Last 2-3 days have been real struggle to control myself. I am doing what I can, but I feel that the environment isn’t favouring me either. Weather is getting colder continuously and with it the smog is also becoming thicker and worse. I constantly feel tired, drowsy,unable to concentrate at amything, having a blank brain, I have headache, body pains and all that… but still the only thing that I’m able to resist everyday are the irges to watch porn and fap again. I am even having raunchy dreams but I’m not allowing them to turn into wet ones by waking early, but then I am able to remember some of what I’d see in the dreams which increases the temptations. However I’m holding on and I don’t want to fall back into that gutter again.

Tuesday 8th November
12:17 PM
Definitely staying away from devices and people has helped. Not that I’ve stopped either of the two completely, but I have minimised the usage and contacts.
I get urges everyday, but these are not as bad as I was having few days back. Also, I have been able to study for few hours since Sunday. Although this study time is not great but atleast I’m starting to do it again with a clearer mind and better focus.
I haven’t been able to workout well for past few days. I am doing very light exercises and on few days like today, I’m not even doing it.
So, I think I have to prepare a plan and follow it for better time management, but atleast I’m in a better situation atm than I was a few days back.

I am not a person who has ever believed that no PMO will bring miraculous changes in your life, but even if it brings small changes in your life, you’ll be sure that those will be positive changes. It has no bad effect on your life, so I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong in following this . Having expectations can actually ruin anything, so I feel that having any expectations from doing no PMO is wrong. You have to know that its you and only you who was, is and will be responsible for everything that happens in your life. I have written this because I have been seeing some posts and even topics and threads on this forum which give the impression that some guys are having unrealistic expectations which they feel they can achieve by just doing nofap. If any of you are reading this, just know that having an expectation is wrong. It weakens your will power and when you’re unable to get what you expect , you make yourself extremely vulnerable to falling back to same dark streets that you hate. Do things without expectations. Anything which doesn’t harm you or others is worth trying.

Have a good day.

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Wednesday 9th November
7:10 PM
Screw my life. I had a wet dream last night. Idk if it counts as a relapse or not , but the fact is that I have exceptional control over myself and I often wake up just before wet dreams to save myself, but last night I woke up only after it has already happened. Whats worse is that due to such control, I often end up having memories of such dreams. My sexual urges are suddenly exploding now. I had full erection last night after waking up for nearly half an hour till the time I slept again, and then since I’ve woken up this morning like 20 minutes ago, I’m experiencing a constant morning wood which doesn’t seem like it’ll go back to normal. Its really bad and due to that I’m even unable to go outside my room, as there are people outside and due to hard boner, my member is quite visible even from inside of lower. Also, my sexual urges are like at the top of Mauna Kea right now and Idk how to cool it down.
But I’ll continue. No matter how much I suffer, I won’t give in. I’m not resetting my relapse because I don’t count wet dreams as relapse, but if others do, feel free to tell me.

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Wet dream is normal and it is not considered as relapse bro. We will only suffer until we beat the addiction then we are free

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Thanks for the reply bro. I wasn’t much affected by it either and good thing was that I had comparatively less urges today, probably because of the release.

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Friday, 11th December
7:01 am
Just woke up few minutes ago. Last few days have been comparatively much better and I’ve been feeling quite good as well. The only thing that I haven’t been able to do is to wake up early which has eaten up my workout time as well as some time that I had fixed for studies.
For the new thing, I have participated in the study challenge and that has kept me motivated to study for longer time. I have also started to record time for other unproductive screen usage such as that of laptop and TV.
One hurdle in my path is though that of my 16 month old little niece. I can’t live without seeing her, loving her and playing with her and this often consumes some good hours of my day. I am trying to stay away from her but then she looks at me in sadness, which wrecks my heart and after that no matter what I’ll do , I’ll see her sad face in front of my eyes and due to this my concentration gets ruined. This is a tough thing to overcome. I have already started to see less of her and this makes her very excited whenever she sees me back and thus she doesn’t allow me to go the next time. :slight_smile:
I just wish I could sleep earlier , so that I could wake up earlier as well.

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Friday 11th November, 10:08 PM
I wouldn’t write 2 entries on the same day, had it not been such a hard day for me. It was hard to study already and adding to that I was kind of distracted today. However it was only around afternoon- early evening when things actually turned worse. So, I have qualified CDS examination on all the occasions I have attempted it. It has a rule that you have to register on its website joinindianarmy using the same email as your user id which is registered with upsc. Last year due to technical error, I was unable to register using the same email id for which I complained, and the issue never got solved. Suddenly in March they called me for the interview for the same and created an account on my behalf using the email id that was then registered with upsc. As a result, I had to delete the other account which was created usinga new email id, which I had registered for subsequent CDS exams. Now, I couldn’t appear for that SSB interview due to inability to obtain covid certificate. So, in the meantime, I complained to the concerned authority via calls, emails and even post to solve this email issue, but I wasn’t replied to. Suddenly today I recieved an email on my other email address inviting me for interview using the account which was deleted in March. Now, I can’t open that account and authorities as usual, are not respomding
This costed me some good 2 hours today and the issue remains unsolved. I have been tensed and this in turn has increased my urges to watch porn. Also theres some distraction which shouldn’t be there which are increasing my urges. But hopefully, I’ll overcome it and will be able to bear this heartache of not being able to appear for the interview as well. I hope I’ll be a better person tomorrow.

Friday 11th December 2020
11:31 PM
This is a really tough night. I switched off the lights around 9:30 and went straight into the bed. But I am having some difficulties sleeping tonight. First, my mind is not peaceful tonight. Second, my mouth keeps getting dry making me drink more water. Third, I am feeling too warm inside blanket so I’ve already removed that too. Fourth, I am having some pain in back somewhere around lumbar vertebra. Due to that I am not able to lay down on bed properly. Fifth, it was a very diaturbing day and I am unable to keep negative thoughts out of my mind. Conaequently, I am having massive urges right now to just listen to some songs on youtube atleast, but I have already posted my daily phone usage in the concerning challenge and hence don’t want to do that. Somedays, loneliness comes to bite you, and it becomes worse when you are not alone but you feel extremely lonely with noone there to understand you.
I am glad I have a diary where I can atleast talk to myself and pretend to my soul, that I’m known. I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Or atleast be able to have enough will to be able to get up and study right now. I’m like an undead sinking fish which hasn’t died yet but has probably forgotten to swim, yet its airbladders keep it floating in the waters , forcing it to stay.

Sunday 13th December, 2020
6:41 am
Woke up 20 minutes ago, and was still laying in bed for first 15 minutes after that. I had a lot of urges yesterday and it continues this morning.
Apart from urges, I am kind of frustrated with my performance in the studies. I don’t feel that I’m giving it my all, I want wake up early but end up waking around 6:40 only everyday. Apart from that I have been having sexual cravings , but I am trying to suppress that and so far I’ve been able to continue my streak successfully. I hope I won’t let those people down who have some expectations from me and be able to continue forever.
BTW as I completed 18 days yesterday, I saw a new badge “Gentleman” for me there. :slight_smile: Feels nice that I have been called/labelled a “gentleman” after so many years, even though its only a badge but still. I hope I’ll be able to become an honest, truthful, caring, gentle and hardworking person in real life, so that I earn this title for real. :slight_smile:

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Monday, 14th Dec 2020
6:57 AM
Woke up some 20 minutes ago. I again slept late last night. I need to go back to my old habit of sleeping and waking up early. I also saw a stranfe dream which I still remember. Nothing secual, but I saw that two girls I know/ once knew are in love with me LOL. This is strange because I have never seen them that way and also its been really long since I have seen them too. I have never been attracted to them either. So, I hope this was only a strange comical dream to keep me entertained LOL.
Anyways, yesterday was a busy day. I have decided to bring radical changes in my lifestyle. So, even though I live in a house filled with my family members and though I’m preparing hard for the govt exams, I have decided that from now on, I’ll do everything related to me in anyway by myself. I am going to sweep and mop my room everyday, even though there’s a maid. I am going to wash my clothes everyday, though there are 2 washing machines. And also only going to wear 2 sets of clothes from now on and discard my wardrobe, probably I’ll donate all of my clothes too if I find enough will some day. Once in a week, I am going to clean my room including spider webs, old books, bags, etc… Then clean my bathroom in a week as well. I even requested my mother to let me bake my own food, but she outrightly refused and hence I had to give in.
Apart from that, I have decided to wake up early and exercise 2 times a day (bodyweight+HIIT in the morning and running in the evening) after 20th, since I have an exam on 20th. I am also going to bathe early and then pray and meditate for like 20 minutes everyday as well. Remainder times in the days will only be spent in studying, eating, writing here , some minor replies to messages and share market and probably some time in playing with my little niece.
I have decided to do these things as I can’t rely on anyone anymore. I realize that most people my age are already earning handsome salaries, are living in their own homes and many are even bearing responsibilities of their family. While me, I am still a burden on my family. I am ashamed of my own existence. I can’t believe that I have been so selfish and everything that I hate, my whole life. And all because I was only thinking about sex all the time, which I didn’t have either while 99.99% of the people in the world have it by my age.
Anyways, I started working on my decisions from yesterday, I cleaned my room, washed my clothes, bathroom was already clean, so instead washed old shoes. However, good amount of time was elapsed in that and I could study for only 5 hours in the remainder of the day. However, that was because my room was in a very bad state, it hasn’t been cleaned in nearly an year. Also, the amount of clothes I washed was huge. And even the clothes were too heavy. So, I feel I’ll be able to do these things much quickly from next week.
As for urges, I had some urges but I overcame them. I am turned on by silliest of things, thats why I get so many urges despite nearly 20 days being passed. I have also realized this long time ago, that I suffer from hypersexuality as well as I have symptoms of some other mental problems like ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression disorder and even partial Asperger’s syndrome and borderline personality disorder. I also have anger issues, I get angry on smallest of things and then I’m often unable to control my anger So, I feel that this battle will cure a lot of things in my life. Yes, its harder for me but I can do this. Also, I feel that I’m not a very social person, I don’t greet people, I have a very rough tone of voice and I often talk very loudly and rudely. I hope I’ll be able to better myself in these areas too.
I have a long way to go in order to become a better person, someone that I want to be. I’ll need to perform extreme and continuous penance to cure myself and I know I’ll be able to do that . I am the owner of my body and my soul.

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That’s awesome. We have almost same goals,almost same thinking pattern. But please dont search internet about any depression and anxiety issues. Which is really really very bad thing to do so. Do you have pressure,sugar or any other physical symptoms or any weird sensations in body, excessive eating and excessive sleeping ?..You have nothing bro,the issues you have can be simply corrected by building positive habits,removing negative habits as you said.
Please read the books I said(Easypeasy,13 things mentally people dont do by amy morin)

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