Day 90
Last week was very stressful for me. More than once out of mental exhaustion I thought āwhy not just give upā. Itās not like that active, energetic drive when an urge hits you. More like a calm fatal feeling you get, that uncomfortably seems to make sense to you in that situation.
Thanks to the habitual mechanisms I set up (ā ā ā ā and app block, studying at public places most of the day, day structuring and many more) I didnāt come close to giving in to this feeling, thank god!
Iām feeling really good now once the exams are over. This phase was indeed a crucial test. The tricky thing is not getting too confident afterwards though. Reading all these posts in the forum sometimes makes me think that many people relapse inbetween day 90 and 120 because they grinded through with this goal 90 days in mind and once there theyāre like āI completed the reboot, now what?ā.
When I had leisure time in the past weeks I tried working on my personal mission statement. Itās a term from the book āSeven Habits Of Highly Effective Peopleā (a self-improvement classic and recommendable imo). Basically you write a vision for what you want your life to be and then you try to live up to it everyday. Easy right?
Iāve tried writing a pms more than a couple of times in the last decade (even when still in school) and I always failed miserably. Why? I just want to much! I have this whole bucket of goals I follow and I canāt compress or integrate it into one lousy vision. I also donāt like it to be so fixed, because you never know what life brings you. In essence: no matter what the end result turned out to be it never really inspired me to follow it for a long time.
So for the sake of the whole NoFap thing I thought it makes sense to try it out again, because once ā ā ā ā is gone - what else do we have left in our life? A vision can guide you in the time after 90 days when you grinded through, but then realize life still goes on as usual. Youāve gotten used to your new super powers and unfortunately you donāt transcend into a state of eternal happiness at day 90.
So I tried to write this personal mission statment and guess what happened? ā¦ yep, again I wasnāt content with it.
I then tried a different approach and it had very interesting results! Basically I just wrote down all the goals that I had for myself, e.g. my sports goals, travel goals, uni goals - you get the point, from every part of my life, where I set out to accomplish something.
After that I tried to reverse-engineer my motivation out of these goals - with honesty! Iām talking about real self honesty here. Imagine youāre drunk in a bar a very good friend sitting next to you. Itās 4 a.m, you just told him about your goals and he just asks you āwhy?ā. What you would answer in that situation? Thatās the honesty we need here!
No you donāt have to go on a pub crawl to find out your motivations, just an example so you know what Iām talking about.
What were the results for me? I had this vast vast variety of goals, but interestingly enough they all boiled down to four core motivations of mine:
- I wanted to feel good or at least avoid feeling bad.
- I wanted the approval of others.
- I wanted to do something meaningful in my life, something that would be remembered after I died. (This may also overlap a lot with approval)
- I wanted to create something in my life.
I was happy with my results, it felt like I touched some pretty basic needs of mine. Unfortunately those results didnāt make for a good mission statement either. Again it just didnāt inspire me at all!
Then it hit me. The purpose shouldnāt be about that I need to have these needs fulfilled, but how(!) I will choose to fulfill them. And the answer to that is: I will fulfill them by changing my beliefs and trying to orient my life towards values and not concrete goals.
Now, Iāve come a long way from here, but there were still some problems to be handled for me.
The problem with changing beliefs and orienting towards values is that in order for them to have a real effect on your life they need to adress a specific topic and undermine a certain stance. We can all agree on whatās āgoodā, but in our daily reality these values we theoretically all agree on are lived very differently by us all.
So I thought to myself āI may start changing my beliefs and values about the topic that started it all in the first placeā: which would be ā ā ā ā and Sexuality.
When I first learned about the addictive potential of ā ā ā ā in 2015 there were a lot of things at first that I didnāt want to be true. I grasped that many problems I had were related to ā ā ā ā . Calling my addiction by the word addiction though was something I definitley didnāt want to be true for example. I also didnāt want to realize how ā ā ā ā changed my believes and the believes of our whole western culture about sexuality and women.
Youāre probably thinking now āNo shit Sherlock, have you read any forum post lately?ā. But I think itās a big difference between reading some classic phrases that get thrown around a lot (āā ā ā ā objectifies women - what does that even mean?ā) and deeply realizing for yourself that they are actually true (āI do objectify women for my sexual pleasure whenever I stare at their cleavage and butts in the subwayā). If I should relapse these insights about my āā ā ā ā -inducedā beliefs is something that I will have gotten out of this streak and that will stay with me.
Back to the point - what are my false beliefs about ā ā ā ā and sexuality? I made an effort to write them all down. This worked best for me when I had urges, because thatās when my mind screams these beliefs into my face.
Here are a few examples:
- Itās desirable/manly to have sex with as many attractive women as possible
- Whenever there would be an attractive woman offering the possibilty to cheat I would give in
- If I wouldnāt give in it would be out of cowardice and not out of strength
- Iām a bad person, because of this. A horny, thirsty man unworthy of true attraction, love etc.
- Iām not able to love.
The first point may make you go - yeah, why not? The second and third point probably - you sick fuck you have a girlfriend! The fourth and fifth point - donāt be so hard on yourself or donāt be such a suck-up.
Your reaction doesnāt matter. I do know all these believes are wrong. They are in my head nevertheless, that is the true problem. All these beliefe and values play into my head when Iām sexually aroused or feeling an urge.
I firmly believe that there isnāt a single one of these thoughts that wasnāt shaped by my ā ā ā ā use. All these believes are basically messages or results out of messages that ā ā ā ā has sent to my brain in the last decade that Iāve been using it.
The first one is not only a message of ā ā ā ā , but also a belief that is spreaded a lot through our media and culture.
āBut thatās what men were biologically designed to do!ā you may say. Itās true, we were designed to spread our genes but we were also designed to desire connection and intimacy! Itās as equally important for biological survival but noone mentions this.
āBut people have always cheated or desired other women, its naturalā - people have also always been killing each other so thatās probably natural and a part of being human too, yet noone really tries to justify a murder that way.
Second point came directly from ā ā ā ā . Frankly, the thought of cheating turns me on, probably because it reminds me so much of ā ā ā ā . If you look at the ātopicsā of a typical ā ā ā ā vid in over 50% it contains the aspect of cheating Iād say.
The last points are basically the results of my struggle and failure to incorporate these āā ā ā ā beliefsā into my life. Lifeās not ā ā ā ā , of course. I donāt live up to this expectation and that leaves me with a bad self image. Being in a relationship and using ā ā ā ā will create even more conflicts of beliefs and it hurts my self image even more.
So what did I do to change these believes? I did the same that ā ā ā ā did. I invented a new set of values and beliefs for myself - that I think are right - and try to recite and meditate on them everyday to ingrain them into my brain. Itās really important.
I think the reason why the religious part of this community seems to be more successful is, because they basically adapt a new set of values through their religion and it gets reinforced on a regular basis through mass, prayer etc. Atheits or āless religious peopleā can profit from that too.
Here are again examples of my ānew believesā:
- It is desirable/manly to be in a relationship with a women you love.
- Whenever there would be an attractive woman offering the possibilty to cheat I would possess the strength and assuredness in myself and my relationship to decline without second thought.
- Iām a good person with dignity, decency and ideals.
- I love my girlfriend. I love my parents. I love my family and friends.
I recite them everyday and I also think about them a lot. If a value doesnāt feel right or doesnāt explain my stance well enough I think of a better way to express it. If Iām still not feeling satisfied I find out what else bugs me. This is really a journey of self-reflection.
As a last example: Practising my new values last week I immediatley noticed how my behaviour in spontanous social interaction changed (e.g. looking at women). I always asked myself, how would the new Boris react to this and then tried to act accordingly. It needs a lot of concentration and mental power but it feels just right! Itās like when youāre correcting your posture by practice and looking in the mirror.
Anyways despite this I really felt unhappy, when I didnāt get positive feedback (approval!) from others. So currently Iām working on finding out values that I can see as my internal approval system. That way I wonāt rely on external approval that much anymore.
There is still a lot to work on, but I feel Iām heading in the right direction. I hope this entry gave you some ideas to implement into your life