(24 M) Another old Diary

Journal
1587

Happy Diwali bro…:rocket::rocket::boom::boom:

2 Likes
1588

I am late but same to you bro :sweat_smile:.

1 Like
1589

5th November

  1. Study: 3 hrs 13 min 🤦‍♂
  2. :white_check_mark:Gayatri Mantra chanting before sleeping last night
  3. :white_check_mark:Sleeping before/around 12 am last night:
  4. :white_check_mark:Workout: 40 min + 1 hour basketball
  5. :white_check_mark:Prayer
  6. :white_check_mark:Affirmations, Visualisation
  7. :white_check_mark:Reading and contemplating the daily stoic
  8. :white_check_mark:Cold shower
  9. :white_check_mark:Evening meditation: 10 min
  10. :white_check_mark:No daytime nap
  11. :white_check_mark:No internet till dinner except for studies/important matters: Though I used whatsApp for a little while in the evening but it was for studies purpose
  12. :white_check_mark:Shutdown ritual (planning for the next day)

I had some urges in the day then I meditated, I realized one thing having cravings and urges is a part of our healthy mind we just don’t have to give in to them but from those cravings as well many are acceptable which I was not realising, I was considering all kinds of cravings like food, socialising and all as something I can’t control and thus feeling bad about myself but now I realized all these cravings are normal and everything is acceptable but sexual urges are not (as long as you don’t have a partner and you are working on your goals), everything else comprises of temporary urges and not harmful either.
Now about the day, I feel kind of sleepy in the afternoons now a days just after lunch for 1 hour or so and I end up wasting all of that time just listening to songs or walking around :sweat_smile:, I will take care to sit for studying as soon as I finish lunch.
Today went to play in the evening, then we had a local wedding to attend, we went there just for food :joy:, tomorrow’s Bhaiya dooj and we are going to my cousin sister’s place. I don’t think I’ll be able to study tomorrow but I’ll try to do at least something.

5 Likes
1590

I messed up again last night. The chain of addiction has reopened :no_mouth:, I was having intense urges all day and I succumbed to them at night, should have just gone to sleep.
God save me. I have to be much more careful now or I’ll be back down the rabbit hole

1591

Broo…TBH I think you relapse more when @GOVIND-19 is gone.
:joy:
And as per some of your past relapses I think u relapse when you’re trying to sleep and late night is just icing on the cake. So I think you should go to bed before 11.00 or something.
Shake it off. Get back up. You can do it!!:fire::fire:

3 Likes
1592

That’s actually true :sweat_smile:.
That’s why I kept a condition of sleeping before 12.
But just because I am up late should not be an excuse for going for PMO, But it’s hard to control during initial days so I should take this sleeping before 12 much more seriously at least till I complete one month or so I guess.

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1593

I’ve got one more confession, this will seem stupid but my addictive part is just on another level.
Last night I thought about giving up no fap altogether, searched for why p* is not harmful. Like wtf and on the top of it I even messaged taher to delete my account :exploding_head:. Then PMOed twice :neutral_face::neutral_face:.
When I woke up today I realized something is seriously wrong here and I deleted that message.
This was hard to share but that’s what happened :sob:
It’s like it was some other person and not me, I am not this, I can’t be, wth.

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1594

Bro first of all don’t blame yourself, it’ll cause you to go into victim mindset. We don’t want that.
We need warrior mindset. You can watch a video of project stronger self on that.

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1595

I’ll watch that and I know I am a jolly hardworking guy, I’d stay like that, I am not a sad coomer and I don’t want to be either

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1596

Hell yeah!!! That’s the spirit we be wanting!!!
:fire::fire::fire::fire:
Let’s light PMOs ■■■ on fire and blast it into air :joy::joy::joy::fire:

1 Like
1597

:fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::fire::100::100::100::100::100:

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1598

Yeah @The_integrous_one try sleeping earlier bro you mess with your sleep time yesterday I was on at 1.10 am i guess when i saw you too there i guess after that only you relapsed … even i have faced lot of late night relapses and tbh i don’t believe in such stuck in cycle thought its just a reason to cover yourself up just stop that and sleep early i know its hard but you can always do it :upside_down_face:
Sorry if that was harsh lol
All the best :v:t2::zap:

3 Likes
1599

Nope not at all :sweat_smile:. You just stated facts.

1600

I understand that my absence here has caused shit to hit the fan. Bro @The_integrous_one tbh I think you burned out, that’s all. It happens to the best of us. Chill, I’ll be here more often from now on. No member of Hydra will be left to suffer like this

4 Likes
1601

Thanks man, means a lot. Don’t think it has to do something with you being absent but still, thanks :joy:

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1602

6th November

  1. Study: Didn’t study today.
  2. :white_check_mark:Gayatri Mantra chanting before sleeping last night
  3. :red_circle:Sleeping before/around 12 am last night:
  4. :white_check_mark:Workout: 35 min
  5. :white_check_mark:Prayer
  6. :white_check_mark:Affirmations, Visualisation
  7. :white_check_mark:Reading and contemplating the daily stoic
  8. :white_check_mark:Cold shower
  9. :white_check_mark:Evening meditation: 5 min
  10. :white_check_mark:No daytime nap
  11. :red_circle:No internet till dinner except for studies/important matters
  12. :white_check_mark:Shutdown ritual (planning for the next day)

Today we spent whole day at my cousin’s place. We went on a small mountain hike in the afternoon, the view from there is great, we go there like once a year or so. We spent a lot of time there, clicked a lot of pictures, had some deep conversations, a soft breeze was blowing all the time. When we returned my aunt asked me to cook chilli paneer for dinner, the recipe was in my mind from quite sometime I wanted to try it but didn’t as it felt taxing for a single person but it was the perfect opportunity, took some assistance from my cousin and my sister, it turned out amazing. Overall a good day, could have enjoyed more if I hadn’t destroyed my sleep and everything last night but anyways life goes on :joy:.
Will be playing tomorrow evening for the last time till Gate exam, asked my friends to play a proper match tomorrow and told them I won’t be coming to play for next three months.
Will hit the bed now and sleep long.

5 Likes
1603

I see you’ve relapsed recently, I think you can try changing the way you measure progress. Like instead of counting the days you can just set a start date and an end date with 100 days in between. This way you can focus more on your lifegoals and have fewer relapses.

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1604

Thanks for the advice, that’s a good one

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1605

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Since I edited the video into a Gif so I decided why not share it here itself :joy:. Though I wish the sound of the breeze could have been accommodated somehow in the gif and also that 1 Mb rule didn’t exist

6 Likes
1606

Yeah that is not your rational self. Its your additive self. Basically your mind invaded by lust. Learn to identify the urges not as yours but as your mind’s.
You never have urges, its your mind that has urges.

Bro most people use PMO as a escape or coping tool to some situation. What’s that situation in your life that is forcing you to act on PMO??
If you have already found it, prioritize on facing that situation, if you don’t know prioritize on finding it first.
You have to deal it with the root of the cause of your relapse. Other than that, your routine and discipline is awesome :+1:

1 Like