[22 M] My Journey

Day 0
I relapsed today. Three weeks ago a church leader told me that I need to do better. He said that I have not been working hard enough to overcome my addiction, and he was right… the last three weeks have been really good.
Today I lost my job. My wife lost hers too, the “bad economy”.
I am in college, but school has been moved to online study. I spent all day on tv and computer. I didn’t have to look for anything. The ads came looking for me. Little by little I gave in to the urges until I had wasted all day.
I am trying again. I want to post here daily to keep myself accountable. It scares me to be so open about it, but I think it is the right thing to do.
I want to be clean. I want to be honest and faithful to my wife.
Today was day 0. I regret what I did, but I am grateful for another chance to keep fighting.

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Keep fighting… you said it all brother.
it doesnt really matter if it is day 0 or day 300, it is usually the same triggers, the pattern happens and you relapse. It is your brain wiring. don’t dwell into the regret and feel guilty, ashamed etc… you have the right attitude, be grateful you live another day to be able to prove yourself that for at least one more day, you will try. if you keep trying everyday, you eventually win at the end. ONE DAY AT A TIME. stay strong… there are difficult times in the uncertainty of the world itself… you have a wife that supports you. if she doenst know about it, maybe you can at least share your frustrations and your feelings with her. whenever you have a feeling, share it openly and seek support on that. communication goes a long way to solve other heart and mind stresses.
Keep Fighting.

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Day 0 again.
I relapsed again today. I am trying to be positive thinking that at least all I did was watch ‘soft porn’ but didn’t go farther or act on it, so I didn’t want t reset my streak. But I don’t want to minimize my behavior so I guess I should.
My wife almost left me today. Life is really beating me down.
I did good all morning. I woke up early, I got my school work out of the way. I cleaned up around the house. I gave in the same way I did yesterday because I thought “I learned my lesson yesterday, when those ads or suggested videos come up I will ignore them.”
Yeah right.
I played with fire and I got burned. So, no computer for me tomorrow.
I am falling into the trap of “life is awful, porn is the only thing left that makes me feel good”. But deep down I know that is a lie. Yes, it is stimulating in the moment, but long term it is a crushing disease.

Well, those are my thoughts for today.
I promise, tomorrow night I am going to say that I was clean all day.

Hey brother. Why do you think you spend time on your computer? Is it out of necessity?

Yeah. School got moved to online, and that takes a few hours every day. Also I am looking for a job. When I get tired of school I get distracted easily, mostly with YouTube. I’ve been thinking of going to a public library to use those computers for my school work.

That’s a good idea :+1:

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Day 1.
Well, good news is I got a job. I worked 10 long hours of construction and didn’t have energy for anything else.
One of my goals in life is to get to the point that I don’t even want to watch porn, that it will disgust me. I’m definitely not there yet, but I think I’m taking steps in the right direction :+1:

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Day 2!
I am feeling very depressed, and easily irritated. Based on my experience that is from withdrawals. It’s sad to think that my brain is used to so much dopamine. I don’t know exactly how long that will last but I hope not too long. Mentally I can still think rationally, but emotionally I feel like nothing in the world is worth being happy about.
I spent a lot of time today reading about my ancestors. It was really neat to learn more about who they were and the things they did. In an unexpected way that really motivated me to be the kind of person who will leave behind a good family name.

Day 4
I think that for the past four days I have done a decent job of not doing anything bad. But, I still long for the hi. Tomorrow I want to focus on actively focusing on good instead of just avoiding bad. That way I will actually be overcoming my addiction instead of running from it.
Here goes another day!

Think about this concept. You were born not able to walk,feed yourself or talk however those things you CAN do NOW. Nearly every skill can be learned or taught its just a matter of contestanty and persistent.

Laymen term behave as if you have already mastered the urges of p×@n.

I love you but I can’t learn it for you.

Day 1 again.
I couldn’t get myself to write my thoughts yesterday.
A little while after I relapsed yesterday I thought, I’ll try again tomorrow. Then I remembered a quote, I don’t know where I first heard it from: forget trying again tomorrow. Try again right now.
If I’m completely honest with myself, I’m only trying to quit porn because I think its wrong, it’s a sin. I don’t know if I need a better “why” or if I just need to focus more on the one I have…

Day 2.
What helped me today:
I kept myself busy. Some of that time went to homework, but I even tried cooking some new things to occupy myself.
Also, I got some books to read. True stories about mountain men, and a self-help guide for improving my marriage. Tomorrow I will add reading to my ‘well spent spare time’ list. I have seen a lot of suggestions to read physical books, so that should be another good step in the right direction :+1:

Day 3!
What helped me today:
I spent most of the day working. That used up spare time.
Since I did have to do schoolwork, I did not use a computer unless my wife was in the room. Since I did have some urges, that saved me.

Day 4
I am not happy. I don’t feel like doing anything. Life just feels like the worst right now. Even when I’m doing things that should be helping me be happy, emotionally it’s just not there.
I keep telling myself that I need to rewire my mind. That when I learn to adjust to life without the dopamine I’ll be able to be happier easier.
Something that has been holding me back lately is the weight of all my past mistakes. I feel like those regretful memories are dragging me down. I read a great quote on this app today. It was to the effect of: you can’t get very far in life if you are carrying the weight of your past with you.
I’m going to keep fighting, for the belief that it is going to get better.

Day 5
Wake up early even though I didn’t have to: check.
Cold shower: check.
Keep myself busy so I didn’t have idle time: check.

Surprise! It was a good day!

This quarantine panic sure pulled the rug out from under me. All the changes (mostly from losing my job) have taken a while to get used to, but I am not letting quarantine or any other excuse get in the way for my recovery!

Day 6
So far each day has been easier than the one before. I am really looking forward to tomorrow; I went months and months trying and failing to make it for one week, so that has become a huge milestone for me.
To be honest, that desire is still there. I want to watch that trash, I want that pleasure, but I keep reminding myself that it is fake, that afterwards I will feel awful.
Probably the biggest benefit I have seen so far is peace of mind. I still have a long way to go, but 6 days ago I couldn’t even close my eyes without my mind playing through old memories. I thought, how on earth do people meditate? But now I feel like I can just relax and be calm, and just breath without a constant nagging urge. Life seems so much more peaceful.
If it is this great after 6 days, I can’t wait to see how much I can keep improving.

Day 7
One week!
I was searching through YouTube today for a video clip from a kid’s movie I saw forever ago, and one of the suggested videos (I don’t know why it was suggested, they had nothing in common) distracted me for a bit. I thought, oh theres nothing wrong with just this, its just a music video. After about three seconds, it’s kind of crazy, but the feelings that came to me first were the guilt and sadness I feel after every relapse. It was like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy it before my mind admitted that it was wrong.
It was a unique experience for me, but I’m really happy to see that I am getting better at rewiring my mind.

Day 8
I have been mad all day. Really mad. Some of it is from things that were actually frustrating, but I blew them out of proportion. Most of the time I was just mad and actually looking for reasons to justify it.
And wow. Today was a killer. Worst urges I have had in a long time. Honestly, I just tried to hold on until the day was over. But, I made it!
I am going to sleep earlier and I’ll get up early and take a cold shower. Hopefully that will help me have a better day tomorrow.

Day 9!
I spent some time today reading through a section in the forum with a bunch of memes. They were funny and motivating. Mostly it was great to get so much positive encouragement from being reminded that there are other people like me, who understand how awful porn is and who are fighting it.
I’m so thankful for this community and the support to overcome addiction and be free!
I think that we have to take our chains off the same way they got there. One urge at a time. Each time we resist and fight back, the chains get a little weaker and we get a little stronger.

Day 10
I spent all day with people, mostly extended family. Quality social interaction and PMO cannot exist together.
So, I had a good day.
Also, general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was today and also tomorrow. That was a huge boost. I’m a big believer in the concept that we need spiritual, emotional, social and mental improvements to overcome addiction. It’s not just a physical improvement.

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